This is why, the true picture

Had to delete my last blog as…I was writing it, I got a text from a lass.
She brought me a bday present and a card, Iv known about this all week but I keep avoiding being able to see her. She says some amazing things about what she thinks of me and how I’m special, she try’s call me couple times a day…blah blah but I don’t show an interest, I’m not sure why.

Tonight she said I can’t get your attention yet a blog from Aimee does a blog that hurts you and begins you self harming yet that gets my attention more then a girl who wants to be with me…
I said she’s right, ya know what at times I hate Aimee, I think she writes stuff knowing she’s gonna upset me, she ignores me as she wants a new boyfriend that’s all….all these comments Iv heard and thought, ya know what the whole lot could be true for all I care.
But Aimee changed my life, she has a heart the size of a jumbo jet 🙈 she helped me deal with my childhood Iv never felt happy talking about it, I felt so happy confident and safe around her. She wanted to be part of my family she embraced it my family adore her even now I still get asked about her my friends too the ones o value always ask and my colleges as they knew what she did for me.

Iv painted pictures of a mean person at times, maybe she hasn’t reacted the right way maybe her family didn’t either but then I didn’t either, but none of any of that matters, I witnessed for months every single part of anorexia, I seen what affect it has on the brain, on the body, on loved ones it affected us all, but it affected this beautiful girl, it stole her identity it stole her body it stole her mind and it stole her life. No body in the world done anything wrong everybody did there best herself, my self her brother her parents everyone. But it’s not an illness you can take pills for it’s and illness that the more you fight it the harder it is but no fight and you get no results it will be a part of her life for ever…but it’s just a tiny peace of a girl who has so much to give.

I have cried, I done stupid things to kill myself hurt myself. I do feel responsible but that’s my mentality.
But a picture needs to be painted of a true angel, I will never ever forget her… I had the experience of my life with this girl. I would literally have taken the illness off of her if I could and still would.
I’d love to buy her a coffee now tell her I’m sorry. I wanna shake her brothers hand and apologise for being a tool I wanna shake her dads hand and thank him for raising someone who will be the best memory of my life.
For all the crazy people on her dating site they are all missing a true gem!!! Perfection one guy will marry her one day and he will live my dream. But I had my chance and anorexia won.
I made so many mistakes on this journey but they are remembered none of the good things I did.
But I mean no harm, I miss her everyday no one will ever compare to her, but she hates me because I didn’t just walk away…but you don’t when you love someone. Never tell anyone you wanna spend rest your life with them if you literally wouldn’t do everything in your body to try not to lose them when you lose everything around you and your dignity.

It’s a once in a life time feeling…I was always gonna fight.
Anyway bday over now… feels better. Even tho we went away a year ago today lol 
Keep battling your own battle, it’s doesn’t need to be a disease or a visual illness everyone has a battle never judge anyone else’s.
#mybattle #missmylife #cantwallow y

Wake me from this nightMare

Iv woken up and my heads pounding…I’m sweating yet it’s freezing 😦
It’s Aimee, Aimee Aimee bloody Aimee it’s always Aimee lol all day i was thinking about her, I was meant to be working today and part of it was to be in London I spent 3 hours exploring…all it made me do was think of her 😦
I miss her sooo much, nobody has any idea how much she means to me, she’s my absolute world I’d literally die for this girl. I wouldn’t left her for the world even when she was so ill I would never have given up on her intact I loved her so much it made her split up with me 😦
I hurt every second of every day, because she hates me I blame myself every day because she hates me. But I love to peace’s even now I’d marry her tomorrow if I could, I watched a program and they were talking about engagements and how they asked they laughed about spending there life with one person…I can’t imagine my life with anyone else, I don’t wanna experience all the scary things life has to throw at us with anyone else but my crazy soulemate…the girl version of me 😦
Every girl I talk to I compare to her no one in the world is her, no one has her personality her heart and not even close her beautiful face.

Iv seen a pic of her from tonight and I cried, I just miss her so much she is the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world she is absolute perfection, Iv never ever ever been so envious of guys she chats too.
I’m really fed up atm and there a girl who wants come to mine tomorrow because she worried about me, she doesn’t no me very well but she’s worried about me…it’s nice someone cares but I can’t let her come here…it’s only Aimee that’s ever been to mine and this girl as lush as she is doesn’t even come close to the girl I called my princess 😦
My heart really hurts my head really hurts… this is the worst heart ache ever.
I want to and will write a blog I’m working on to paint the true picture of Aimee, but I want it to read perfect and that’s because she is perfect.
I am talking to my self when I say this but I love you every day no less if anything even more, I’d give my right arm for 5mins with her again, the most perfect girl regardless of what anorexia has done she’s still the girl of my dreams literally.
Night night world…if I don’t wake up from the nightmare..I don’t wanna wake up 😦  

Misinterpreted again

It’s been misinterpreted again.
I’m being described as nothing a complete nothing. Just the past.

I’m described like the worst thing ever, like did I imagine everything that happened?
I don’t try and make anyone feel bad it’s me that’s made to feel bad. I was made to feel this is my fault and knowing what my weakness is, there fully aware I would struggle in this situation.

So making me feel awful, ignoreing me and make me feel responsible knowing this would make me suffer.
I don’t paint any pictures or the one they think is actually wrong. 
I just don’t understand what ever happened, how did it go from helping someone to them then hating you. Then now because I blog and say I struggle I’m the one who’s causing all the pain…
IM NOT DOING ANYTHING … I just miss you, an I have no closure 😦
I will never understand why I’m being punished.
I’m so sad 😦 this is the worst Iv felt and her dating is destroying me 😦
I’m at work now and staring at the scissors….is it a good idea?? 😦
How has this bloody happened 

Gone 

So Iv done it properly this time.
I haven’t eatten since Tuesday night last week 6 days and Iv not eatten one meal. 

I’m most certainly not proud.
Iv stopped talking to a girl who was lovely to me, I’m making a million mitakes at both jobs I’m getting lost at job 2 because I’m not paying attention to a sat nav.
I erm…begun to cut my arms, I have to wear a jumper to work now already lol I hate myself!
Basically I hear the guilt and feel it every single second of every single day, I am the reason she is sick every bad blog is my fault she’s in hospital because I didn’t do enough I didn’t try hard enough. Then when she was in hospital it was my fault she didn’t get instantly better all this is my fault.
I don’t deserve to live a normal life, I don’t deserve anything every blog makes me feel awful, I asked work if I could have a lunch hour today to drive to Tesco to by some scissors because I read a blog this morning not aimed at me at all but reading told me “you idiot…look what she has to deal with everyday because your such an idiot” all morning it was in my head…then someone asked how she was getting on and randomly about my older brother and she gave me pitty said I had bad luck, I do NOT deserve pitty I’m the reason this happening…this made me mad at myself. I haven’t had a tough year it’s her that has. 

Iv tried contacting her recently which make me feel even worse, but I’m clutching at any straws to help me get past this…until this guilt has gone I can’t function at all.

What’s triggered this is the marathon, I couldn’t do it last weekend because I was ill however this run was important…. I choose this charity mind because it was my life 2017 had been based around anorexia and mental health my life was this and my partner, I had stood out side the bubble and watch it around my beautiful incredible girl, I watched it make her cry, I watched let her try and die every single day I watched it remove her from her body then destroy her body…the love of my life was wrapped up in front of me bit by bit…every single day I think about it, I think of the support she got and mind meant the world to me. 
With her now hating me so much this run for me was for her it was my way of saying I’m sorry I let you down, mental health is so serious.
But by not running Iv failed again, but this time it’s hit me awfully. I need to tell someone somit else that’s happened that’s the worst thing ever but I can’t talk to anyone because I don’t wanna.
This is slowly becoming the nightmare from hell…I hate myself more then anyone can imagine.   

Signs = sadness 

I read about signs the other day…. Iv been hit with the same sign all day long, which certainly isn’t helpful.
So today no word of a lie 3 times Iv been asked, “jamie how’s that beautiful girlfriend of yours” from people in 3 different branches… how’s my beautiful girlfriend, well she’s still beautiful but as I accidentally discovered the other day “is seeking a relationship” and she decided to hate me too.
I was out in Newcastle Monday one of my friends didn’t no and didn’t believe me either, he said Facebook and Instagram we looked in love… ” well I was”
Then today a girl who wanted spend my day off with her…. I made cry 🙈 said I couldn’t do it, she said not me “it’s Aimee” I didn’t realise I’d mentioned her much, turns out way too much, she then said somthing unkind about her… and I hung up and won’t reply to her.
Yet I then seen her dating profile and just broke my heart again, it’s the worst feeling ever this time.
Yet no one is Aimee she was literally perfection, I can’t explain it.
I told that lass who was lush in every way people will think I’m crazy, but I told her it made me feel guilty seeing her as I care more about her blogs then this lass, she just wasn’t her 😦
But why does it matter? This girl doesn’t just not care she completely hates me 😦

This is what destroys me!

If I was on fire this girl would probs walk past me and kick me that’s how much she hates me. So why do I care so much 😦
Then tonight I cancel all my plans to stay in, I’m still not feeling great and have a super long day on the road but I flick on sky and what films available 
Sully….. No 🙈 I wanted to watch this with her for ages, she loved winding me up about it all the time lol even called the radio to tell them one hahahaha but I can’t watch it!!! 😦
This memory makes me smile every time, but makes me realise she was just perfect 😦 and makes me miss every single thing about her 😦
I feel sain, but I did think today I wish I was someone getting caught up in these bad attacks I don’t care if I’m no longer here…it’s like there’s no point with her.
Life mann 

I must be awful

How does she do it?
My mood isn’t great today I feel so disappointed. But now I feel rubbish I hear she’s sad stuck in for the weekend and lonely.
How can someone I wanna be around so bad be so lonely 😦

I hate hearing her sad she was my best friend I hate it hate it.
I dream that I could talk to her make sure she’s okay tell her about my day find out about hers 😦 but I’m not allowed.
But what does it say about me? She is so lonely and has no one, but she would rather feel that way then say hello to me, what does that say about? How awful a person must I be? How much must she hate me that feeling like that is better then me? 
😦 

I’m dreaming right?

So I found out through Facebook earlier my dad is engaged to his younger then me girlfriend who are expecting a child soon, combine that with my ex being so close by but who still hates my guts :(Like I’m surely gonna wake up one day and realise this is a dream right?
So I meet a lass who isn’t generally my type of girl more my brothers tbh a bit to Essex for me, but is a stunning girl and really canny and for some crazy reason stupidly keen on me, someit anyone wants right…but why isn’t it enough for me, I still think constantly miss and want the only girl who hates me to bits.
I’m nervous this weekend as I know she’s home, I’m nervous for her 🙈 I read her blog and get upset when I read she’s sad…I care way to much, but why?? This girl hates my guts she treats me like a bit of rubbish…so why can’t I hate her? 
This weekend is a struggle, I have full on flu I’m now on nights too but we are to short for me to call in sick. Just wondering what ever is next for me???? 
I could right a book, I just want a nice simple life…wish I had the life I imagined not this comedy show lol
Hope everyone is enjoying there weekend