I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

It’s not being a mug….it’s keeping a promise 

So over the past few months Iv had some massive struggles but one massive struggle is watching someone else struggle.
So someone important has been struggling all her life building upto her mood at present and over the last 10 years had experienced a roller coaster of emotions good times bad times and the worst times but some how she keeps going and I commend that strength and bravery I’m not sure I could do it.

Food…. we all eat food, breakfast, dinner,lunch, supper, snacks throughout the day it’s nothing and a pleasure to you and me, how ever for some people food is a devil it plays with your mind the image that is seen in the mirror is the total different to what really is standing there, a restaurant can be scary, your heart pumping, sweaty palms, thoughts running through your head, when the most important thing on the menu becomes the calorie count not the sickly ingredients in the Sunday ice cream or the size of the steak or the amount of animals in a mix grill (sorry veggies) calories rules your choice and ruins your night.

Shopping becomes a task a weekly shop contains a few tins, bit salad, a yogurt for a treat and that’s about it (apart from sweets of course) but the shop is a very well drilled mission all food is check for fat contents and all sorts (I’m not too sure) but while I wheel around the isles pushing an empty trolley I wounder do I look stupid swinging around and crashing the trolley or the fact two of us participate in pushing a trolley with no food hmmmm.
So selection of food is not a quick mission, how ever the thought of food and needing to lose it out the back door shall we say is very important. Terrible phrase never again. 
How ever laxatives have become a part of every day life for her, this is my down side I struggle to watch the pain she is inn in the middle of the night, the pain she tells me about all day, the Hugh need to go to the toilet no body should be poping pills and drinks syrup stuff (I’m technical I know) the mess these so called drugs have on her body breaks my heart she knows that.

She tries so hard but thoughts are to powerful when you are so weak.
This evening she told how much she weighed and the number is incomprehensible it is scary, she lives at home in a loving home with food not in a poor country.
The happiness in her voice though when she does take a pill or survives a day with out food… destroys me I hear that voice when I close my eyes, it beyound sad.
This girl was once apart of my life in a big way, don’t get me wrong I don’t recognise her serial dating, making mistakes and repeating daily sometimes. An il be honest she will read this bit…. she knows too she has not treat me very well over time and is lucky I guess (sounds so big headed)

How ever

This the important part, once upon I told this young lady I loved her and she one day would be my wife, but when I said that I made a promise to who ever was above that you gave this opportunity I would re pay you by sticking by this girl…

I am stupid and an idiot at times not bad bad may I add but I lost what I had and I miss my old life soooo bad, but made someone a promise and that I would repay them for my little happiness by making sure this incredible girl always has me not matter what. When people say “I love you” they hardly mean it but one day when you do,  your know why I do what I do.

People call me a mug say I’m silly your being used I feel a mug sometimes, how ever no body ever experiences a bond two people have, supporting her is important to me but it’s painful to sit back and watch her life change when I know the little girl inside is screaming for me…I just know.
So to people who say I love you to someone…. think will you still love them when they hate you? Will you still love them when they are no longer them self, will you support them in something you hate….if you can, then cherish your moments! Don’t regret like I do and most all stick by them.
Don’t judge a smile as there is so much going on inside.
Ps this to show I understand I listen and always pay attention, may not like it but I support it as it’s your choice.