I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

Crazy 48hours

So the last 48 hours have been crazy to say the least, I sit at work right now having sneaked in some sleep a very proud young man.There are 2 reasons for this see if you can work them out.

2 days ago my ex who I wasn’t talking with properly after messing up with anxiety, well she asked me if I could pick her up from work….this is where it begun it turned out she had been trying to take her life she had tried to throw her self down the stairs the day before and had that morning taken an excessive amount of pills and wasn’t feeling well.

I collected her she was like a lost child, she was on edge, staring into space and looked like a ghost she was so ill, she is anorexic to so her life is spiralling out of control, she didn’t look like the girl I feel in love with she doesn’t have the energy to even talk anymore, once upon we would laugh, sing along and just be generally happy. 

This completely snapped my heart in to peaces, how ever I kept it together and made her go to A&E we spent 5 hours there but had a good chat while waiting she opened up about her feelings and explained how she feels she can turn to me about anything (that made me smile) but I held her hand and went and seen every doctor and nurse with her (I did hide from the needle bit tho).

There was a moment when she was told to take her jumper off…8 jumpers, tops later she got down to just 1 and they lifted her top up wire her shall I say and I couldn’t look because she is all skin an bone 😦 she looked ill it was like a Skelton laying in a bed look like she wasn’t meant to come out she looked on deaths door I had to dig deep not to show how deviated I am. I promised the doctor I would take her home and look after her at mine. I got her home and we talked loads about us and her and she said she was giving me a chance but my last ever chance which TBH didn’t bother me, what did bother me was her.

Then yesterday πŸ™‚ she had zero sleep I didn’t get much but she started making a difference and she still can’t see it but we were up and at her doctors for opening we got an appointment and she went and finally decided to get some time off work to recharge..step one. 

She then asked me if I would do the hardest thing Iv ever done in my life, she asked me as she was scarred if I would sit her mum down on my own and tell her what’s been happen as her parents no nothing she hides from them….so again I had to find some words and hold my nerve and I sat her mum down who i don’t know amazingly and tell her that her daughter tried to kill her self and is eatting her way to death too, how I kept that one cool I will never ever ever know but I did it for the girl I adore. Then our journey continued to her next appointment I took her to see her food councillor, this wasn’t a success she has been told they are beginning to search a bed for her to omitted to hospital, she has to drink some stuff to give her energy so she can do stuff and she has a milkshake diet as she won’t eat but just about have a milkshake. This is again heart breaking I don’t want her taken away for a length of time 😦 il miss her too much.

She has agreed to spend my 4 days off with me so I can help her an look after her….an to thank me she has booked us a couple night in my home (fav place) the other end of the country she’s never been but it’s my safe place and just wow she really didn’t need to but she wanted to say thanks and knows how special that place is to me. 

I am going to make her have a fun weekend she will smile πŸ™‚

I just want the little princess back I adore so much, I wouldn’t done any of this for anyone else.

She’s so special and she will read this at some point and when you do I want you to read me tell the whole wide world you are one special young lady, your strength is commendable and I am so proud of you for fighting this, life is cruel and tough no one chooses to suffer, but you choose to beat it and that you are πŸ™‚ you should be proud.
…an the second person I’m proud of me, I’m sooo proud of myself I wrote some awful blogs over the months and didn’t know if I’d still be here today to write but now I don’t know how I did it but I made myself realise and I’m not the same person at all….I dropped her home yesterday and she called me so happy her mum knew and was supporting her, when she hung up I cried on the drive home lol sooo dammm proud.
Anyway I rambled but, never give up on life it will get better. 

Happy Wednesday people πŸ™‚ 

#day9 things that make me happy

Okay, so things that make me happy are spending time with loved ones and special people.

Now I don’t have a close bond of people where I currently am, but I love spending time with certain people or person.

Also for me visiting a city I grew up in brings a lot of good memories for me I restarted my life there it’s very special to me.

But when someone does something for me I value this sooo much, makes me happy. I was today brought a cake from someone….nothing at all really something totally silly but makes me sooooo happy someone went two seconds out of there day to do something for me it’s so rare it means soooo much.

Also music, nothing makes me more happier then a good old sing song in the car cheesy music I can sing my head off too cool or not I do not care.

And my last thing is flying of course, nothing is more amazing then hurtling down a runway and taking off fighting the wind and looking at the incredible sights below you, its special makes me very happy.

#day8 my fears

Okay so playing a little catch here…
I have many fears in life but a few of the main ones are death, now death scares me which is odd as Iv thought about suicide before but death and closing my eyes and ever opening them again never thinking anything again or never talking again never moving just black just nothing it scares me yeah, I don’t want to die with out enjoying life and have experiences to which I’m currently doing neither, I’m scarred il never  experience true happiness for longer then small periods in my life.

I have a fear of being like my Dad, growing up my dad help contribute to a terrible up bringing making me the car crash of a person I am today, I never wanna turn out like him and I strive never to treat anyone the way he did to me.
Now last one is a touch strange, how ever I have a fear of heights lol yes I wanna be a pilot but I’m scared of heights I’m fine in an aircraft….just thought I would share that as it makes people laugh.

#day 6 If you could have any job and why?

Now this for me is very very easy.

From a young child I used to remember being taken to airport to watch the aeroplanes I used to watch them come in and be amazed and I thought how amazing pilots must be to me they were more incredible then the royal family.

So I grew up believing this couldn’t happen you need to be rich and well educated, I’m neither so I decided to gain employment in aviation to get close to aircraft and I loved seeing a cockpit for the first time the walking in and handing paper work over never got boring even after 10 years I loved it.

I then worked with several guys who worked they way through and are now first officers and even captains, an decided I could actually do this.

I then began but stopped as I got distracted and my now job I work for an airline I basscially do everything accept fly the thing.

So now know I need to nuckle down continue to work hard and wait for that day I love my ultimate dream, I will not stop till I get there 
πŸ™‚ ✈️

#day5 Someone I really care about

Okay so this one is going to cause a stir, but someone I care massively about is my ex girlfriend/ best friend.

We share some of the best memories and some of the worst together.

So growing up I didn’t have anyone even family, so when I meet her and she done so much for me I loved it. This girl would move a mountain if she could, she would help me through struggles, she would bake me cake (she’s an incredible baker) she would hold my hand, we cuddle all night long and hold hands asleep so we knew each other was there we had an amazing connection.

We could spend hours laughing at each other to the outside world we wasn’t pleasant to each other lol we would call each other names and pick on each other an that is because we are so comfortable with one and other, we are the boy/girl version of each other it’s a unique thing to click the way we do.

But what makes her special is the tough times, I suffer badly with anxiety and ATM it’s trying to take over my life and right now we’re not talking properly because of it but normally she would been there she was the whisper in my ear “it will be okay” the holding tighter of my hand and keeping me busy she knew what it was and how to help she would help anyway she could, for the first time in my life I felt safe I felt I had someone I could rely on someone who understood and someone who had be as a priority.

Iv never cared so much about a human being as I do right now, Iv not slept properly again this time hoping she had a good night and made it home safely…I miss this one so much.

There isn’t another human on this planet that could ever compare to this beautiful, pick and mix eatting, milk shake drinking , special singing, incredible baking, most the time ultra loving young lady. She holds the value for me.

#day 4 A happy memory

Okay this is an odd one as this is going to be my birthday weekend, it’s weird because I was dreading hitting 30.

How ever I was well and truely spoilt, my birthday consisisted of being spoilt and made to feel very special something I’m very much not used too why it remains.

So presents a side someone had decorated the place, brought me a couple cupcakes with candles…I’d not had a birthday cake ever before I don’t think. I was then taken out for dinner and spent a night with my at the time girlfriend, and all my mates and I loved it… even more so because it was awkward for my lass but she continued to ignore it πŸ™‚ I felt special.

I was then taken away to a beautiful part of the country and remember the long country walk (very long) by the river then getting dressed up for our 3 course meal just us the restaurant lol then we went back and sat on our balcony in the dark wearing all the layers in the world having a drink and a cuddle was amazing.

Then the next day went and did segwaying was a good experience I loved it…. but for me it was for 3 days I was made to be the most important person in the world was the best feeling ever. 
πŸ™‚