The illness called Anorexia

Anorexia.
It’s not a choice not to always eat, imagine the thought of being hungry and being in a supermarket but your unable to select anything from the shelf, calories are going through your mind, then your body what will that cake do to my body I can’t but I want to, this is Anorexia.

My best friend is living this nightmare at the moment and I’m by her side though it as much as she will let me, recently Iv held her hand through 1 A&E visit, 1 GP visit, 2 support worker meetings, 1 blood test, 1 blood pressure check and finally 1 food clinic visit this was all in 7 days…this girl had been out through torture.

I sit with this girl I look at her face I see the discolour in her cheeks I see the lack of meat on her like a normal human being I witness the tears she bleeds I witness the tiredness from walking. She no longer can decide anything as her brain is just food it thinks nothing else, I witness her snappy I witness every that this illness is doing to my soulmate.

She wakes up everyday and thinks food how to avoid how to not get told to eat how to not get fat, yet she looks in the mirror and is disgusted she looks like an old lady she looks like she’s knocking on deaths door. She has to wear cloths to layer up to keep warm and look better, we went to a supermarket last week and 2 people were clearly staring at her looking her up and down as she is so skinny her legs are tiny her arms are tiny she looks awful, she is still the most beautiful girl though. 

She has a bed ready 400miles away if she doesn’t eat, they will stop her being a human she will be told what to do what to eat and when, she won’t be able to do as she pleases and will be alone…this breaks my heart in two.

She doesn’t want to get to this stage but the illness is stopping her from seeing how close she is, if I tell her then I’m upsetting the illness and she doesn’t see it.

It’s not about putting food in her mouth this illness is taking over her brain, her choices, her body basically her whole life and she can’t beat it.

I am petrified, I get upset on my own about it I talk to my mum about it to try and comfort me, but this poor beautiful little girl is wondering around this big planet battling this every second of every single day.

I love her she’s my best friend so I can’t lose her but every day this illness is getting her a step closer to death and she wants it now too as she’s sick of the battle.
But she is a very very brave girl and she keeps finding that tiny peace of energy to try, I can’t explain in words because there isn’t a word or isn’t a sentence that can describe how proud of her I am for trying she’s my inspiration she is incredible. I want her to know I adore her and please keep fighting you will break down this illness and you will you again you have a long life left to live, I won’t let it take you away from me so early.
Please realise the damage anorexia has on a life it’s not a choice to be stick thin it’s not easy coping with it, its not nice to stare at someone because they look fragile…this is a human being who is slowly killing her self because there is not tablet to make it stop, there is no quick fix and as me I have to try and help but mainly sit here and watch someone I love, fall apart lose her identity and slowly die in front of my eyes.

I just want it to go away now, leave her alone she’s suffered enough. I want my beautiful girl back!
Life can be cruel.

She does read my bloggs so this is kinda for her to realise I get her pain and share mine too on the subject. But please comment anything if you think it will help as she will read.

Thanks all, happy Wednesday 

#day10 – where i would like to live

For me it will be again one day Newcastle.

I spent all my adult life there, it’s a very special city to me.

You have the amazing night life with all the sounds and sights you expect many bars, clubs and pubs the atmosphere of happy people many visiting during weekends, the mix of people on an evening out from stag and hen dos to, people visiting for weekends or students or the ever loving Geordies them self.

Then there is also the coastal area where I lived, you have an amazing coast line which has amazing views and have walked to full length a few times from a ruined castle all the way to a light house on it’s only little island, Iv walked the beach and run along the water edge it’s amazing to clear your mind there is somthing very special about sitting on the beach in winter and feeling the wet cold air come off the sea and watching the sun go down its incredible.


Then there is the countryside to you can travel minutes away to be in a quiet country pub or woodlands to walk and explore or just sit and enjoy in the summer with an ice cream of course but experience the great out doors.


So yeah I’m not ready to return there just yet but I intend to enjoy it more and would massively like to show others of this amazing crazy city that i call HOME.
Happy Wednesday people šŸ˜¬

Day2

Day 2…… started slowly, big day is getting close (not wedding) no day I go to be assessed at the Hospital, I’m petrified I can’t think of anything else, I msg my friend this morning as I promised myself I would carry on being polite to people I care about…but again she ignored me.

I continued work and was looking at stuff online to get me out of the U.K. And all sorts my brain was walking…. it got lunch time and I felt sick of worrying about tomorrow thinking about aimee, thinking back to last weekend I spent with her and the laughs at the pub and this thatbthe other let’s just say I was anxious.

I tx her and eventually she replied not a lot but she said was proud of my effort this along with one other saying the same kept me happy they don’t realise the power of them simple words.

Then as the day continued and it was stressful the closer to Friday I get the more scared I get. 

So I msg my friend she says look we go for a drink one hour only, I jump at it I don’t have anyone else….I say only if you want, she says well not really, I’m busy. My phone has poor signal so I head over I’m feeling up beat an positive for 20mins I’m not thinking of Friday….then I get there, she says she’s baking she’s busy…… I drop out that cloud and smash my face on the floor, she then said I’m in the bath go away. An tells me off because she changed her mind she never said would…. then pops in she’s out tomorrow night and can try fit me in at some point and then ignores all me again.

At this pint I’m feeling so low so low I can’t even cry am I angry or sad?

I end up apologising to her an she tells me off. I come home empty and lost my brain thinks nothing my body just moved im lost I’m so scarred and all I need is my friend who’s here yet all she wants is to arrange her next date……why do I hold no value.
I’m scarred 

Need to give inĀ 

I’m at that point again, I can’t take anymore.I’m so useless I’m so pathetic, no has respect for I’m just the idiot with a heart.

This hasn’t come about over love or jealousy, it’s all about me, my name is Jamie and growing up unloved growing older you want that love(don’t get me wrong I don’t understand it and I mess everything up) all jamie wants in the world is for someone to seriously care about him.

Yeah Iv I’m a nice guy, I do stuff I shouldn’t to see people smile yeah I go above and beyond because I care.

I just realised how people care but I’m not the priority I make others, not even close.

I hate me for putting me through this and causing all this….. I don’t wanna be me anymore, I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow I don’t wanna carry on day in day out jamie just jamie that’s my life that it. 

I’m ready to throw in the towel, Iv tried for months to be strong do this do that…. an I just can’t do it, I need to get a out, I need to escape this pain, I want people understand why I want to get out.
Unfortunately as I write this I know what’s the point….I give up

My LonelinessĀ 

Loneliness to me is not sitting in the corner on your own or hiding away from the world, it’s about feeling as though the world has been put on fast forward and everything and everyone is rushing around but because your not fast enough you don’t see it properly no body stops, everyone just continues there journey, best you can pray for is someone trips over you, but even then you have to apologise.

So having a massive group of friends spread over the country sounds great how can you be lonely right? Social media people make you seem like a ledgend they look up at your achievements they like your posts they tell you how much they miss you and remind of good times…

But why just good times?Who’s there when I come home at night after a bad day at work? Who thinks on xmas day oh I must say happy xmas to them? Who thinks il go out of my way to check how there doing? 

I lay in bed recently and smelt the perfume of a special young lady in life, yet I lay an smelt it and think about her then I think about my friends and I pray she would be there holding my hand or my friends calling to say hi, I also think of everything Iv done recently and realise I made all them occasions happen no one actually went out there way for me….. but it happens and you realise to everyone your just a option or a back up your not actually a selection anybody has made…. but they appreciate you being a MUG.
Iv also learnt that being nice doesn’t pay, you go out your way to make someone feel special do anything and everything to make there day…yet your not important you a time passer, a moment, your not special…yet your loneliness tells you it’s okay this is all you have, deal with it.
So I remain like an ant in a desert there’s nothing around, nothing, no one, if cry no one sees it, if I scream no one hears, if I ask for help no one cares, but if I make a mistake everyone hears, this makes me wonder what’s the point?
Do I really have to continue? No one would care… no one would notice