For me it will be again one day Newcastle.
I spent all my adult life there, it’s a very special city to me.
You have the amazing night life with all the sounds and sights you expect many bars, clubs and pubs the atmosphere of happy people many visiting during weekends, the mix of people on an evening out from stag and hen dos to, people visiting for weekends or students or the ever loving Geordies them self.
Then there is also the coastal area where I lived, you have an amazing coast line which has amazing views and have walked to full length a few times from a ruined castle all the way to a light house on it’s only little island, Iv walked the beach and run along the water edge it’s amazing to clear your mind there is somthing very special about sitting on the beach in winter and feeling the wet cold air come off the sea and watching the sun go down its incredible.
Then there is the countryside to you can travel minutes away to be in a quiet country pub or woodlands to walk and explore or just sit and enjoy in the summer with an ice cream of course but experience the great out doors.
So yeah I’m not ready to return there just yet but I intend to enjoy it more and would massively like to show others of this amazing crazy city that i call HOME.
Happy Wednesday people 😬
Day 2…… started slowly, big day is getting close (not wedding) no day I go to be assessed at the Hospital, I’m petrified I can’t think of anything else, I msg my friend this morning as I promised myself I would carry on being polite to people I care about…but again she ignored me.
I continued work and was looking at stuff online to get me out of the U.K. And all sorts my brain was walking…. it got lunch time and I felt sick of worrying about tomorrow thinking about aimee, thinking back to last weekend I spent with her and the laughs at the pub and this thatbthe other let’s just say I was anxious.
I tx her and eventually she replied not a lot but she said was proud of my effort this along with one other saying the same kept me happy they don’t realise the power of them simple words.
Then as the day continued and it was stressful the closer to Friday I get the more scared I get.
So I msg my friend she says look we go for a drink one hour only, I jump at it I don’t have anyone else….I say only if you want, she says well not really, I’m busy. My phone has poor signal so I head over I’m feeling up beat an positive for 20mins I’m not thinking of Friday….then I get there, she says she’s baking she’s busy…… I drop out that cloud and smash my face on the floor, she then said I’m in the bath go away. An tells me off because she changed her mind she never said would…. then pops in she’s out tomorrow night and can try fit me in at some point and then ignores all me again.
At this pint I’m feeling so low so low I can’t even cry am I angry or sad?
I end up apologising to her an she tells me off. I come home empty and lost my brain thinks nothing my body just moved im lost I’m so scarred and all I need is my friend who’s here yet all she wants is to arrange her next date……why do I hold no value.
I’m at that point again, I can’t take anymore.I’m so useless I’m so pathetic, no has respect for I’m just the idiot with a heart.
This hasn’t come about over love or jealousy, it’s all about me, my name is Jamie and growing up unloved growing older you want that love(don’t get me wrong I don’t understand it and I mess everything up) all jamie wants in the world is for someone to seriously care about him.
Yeah Iv I’m a nice guy, I do stuff I shouldn’t to see people smile yeah I go above and beyond because I care.
I just realised how people care but I’m not the priority I make others, not even close.
I hate me for putting me through this and causing all this….. I don’t wanna be me anymore, I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow I don’t wanna carry on day in day out jamie just jamie that’s my life that it.
I’m ready to throw in the towel, Iv tried for months to be strong do this do that…. an I just can’t do it, I need to get a out, I need to escape this pain, I want people understand why I want to get out.
Unfortunately as I write this I know what’s the point….I give up
Loneliness to me is not sitting in the corner on your own or hiding away from the world, it’s about feeling as though the world has been put on fast forward and everything and everyone is rushing around but because your not fast enough you don’t see it properly no body stops, everyone just continues there journey, best you can pray for is someone trips over you, but even then you have to apologise.
So having a massive group of friends spread over the country sounds great how can you be lonely right? Social media people make you seem like a ledgend they look up at your achievements they like your posts they tell you how much they miss you and remind of good times…
But why just good times?Who’s there when I come home at night after a bad day at work? Who thinks on xmas day oh I must say happy xmas to them? Who thinks il go out of my way to check how there doing?
I lay in bed recently and smelt the perfume of a special young lady in life, yet I lay an smelt it and think about her then I think about my friends and I pray she would be there holding my hand or my friends calling to say hi, I also think of everything Iv done recently and realise I made all them occasions happen no one actually went out there way for me….. but it happens and you realise to everyone your just a option or a back up your not actually a selection anybody has made…. but they appreciate you being a MUG.
Iv also learnt that being nice doesn’t pay, you go out your way to make someone feel special do anything and everything to make there day…yet your not important you a time passer, a moment, your not special…yet your loneliness tells you it’s okay this is all you have, deal with it.
So I remain like an ant in a desert there’s nothing around, nothing, no one, if cry no one sees it, if I scream no one hears, if I ask for help no one cares, but if I make a mistake everyone hears, this makes me wonder what’s the point?
Do I really have to continue? No one would care… no one would notice