Gone to far

This has gone to far….
So I have been told I shouldn’t blog, I will be sued for expressing my inner thoughts.blogging is to be able express what you think and how you feel your are encouraged to speak out loud but I’m told I can’t can’t say what I think.

My posts are about my life my situation nothing is aimed at anyone at all. It’s what helps me.

But I am to blame for all this, my words are killing people, my confusion my being lost is me causing trouble.

There a situation here that has got so far out of hand it untrue, it kinda turned my life upside down…but again it’s my fault. The situation is I mess up, I’m jamie I mess up I’m human I hold my hands up I’m far from perfect I mess up, I have spent my life the last four months helping a mentally ill person because I loved them, it affects you my whole life changed over night everything changed this was no ones fault it’s life I choose to be part of it. But it put me on edge I didn’t want this person to die, I wanted to do all in my power to help them and that I did. My friends told me last night I shouldn’t not be ashamed I should be proud of what I did not many would… an no one else was willing too. 

But I did everything I could, but I don’t feel proud, I’m sad I’m told I’m killing her now I’m stopping recovery…. because of hurt, confusion, sadness. I told my friends last night I no longer care about life Iv thought before some stupid stuff but I literally don’t care anymore, I haven’t eatten a meal in coming up for 3 weeks I got told I’m looking ill but ya not what I’m pleased I wanna punish myself, people txing me an having a go at me agree with it all, so I wanna punish more. 

My words aren’t angry at people, it’s confusion. Our brain consists of questions and when stuff isn’t answered you make the answers….but we shouldn’t be punished for this.

This whole situation has got out of hand and made so much more then needed to be.

I am blogging because i neee to!

My head….

So it’s been a rollacoaster ride this week.

I have discovered a few things but they main thing being my inner strength, I actually do have control of my life which is fantastic.

Some scenarios were put infront of me which I would have crumbled but instantly turned to fix instead of delaying. Already feeling the benifits.

I’m in a weird situion and unfortunately for reasons I can’t explain, it’s weird. My life has taken a hugh U turn and everybody seems to be telling me I don’t need to worry and this that and the other but I feel it this time this is new this is different.

Iv come back home tonight and I don’t wanna talk with anyone I’m not annoyed I just don’t wanna talk, I just wanna pack my stuff and leave…. is that brave or is that silly? I have my notice written and ready…I thought about it before but never so seriously….is this right? Is this time? Is this silly? Should I be patient? I have millions of that going around my head. 

I cried today…..no just a tear or two, full on gut wrenching tears no one was in so screamed it as I cried (I scarred the dog) I kinda scarred myself I’d been so calm cool and collective till earlier, I was feeling the pain the my chest soar my head hurting and uncontrollable tears…I was hurting and unfortunately had no one to support me this time, no one to cuddle me no one to tell all was okay…think these tears had been building up… but I must admit I didn’t like it at all.

When do you stop following your heart? When do you follow your head? What about when the two say the same as everyone but you? 

But I’m in control, I’m in control of me…I doing the right stuff, so why? And why am I neglecting me too??? A lay down last night in bed at 0200 I don’t sleep, an I felt content I had said good bye to my house mate and something I was watching….I woundered if I had said goodbye to everyone and maybe felt this was my time? I didn’t ever wanna argue again with people, I didn’t really care about anything I just….done, happy Iv done what ever. But I’m not suicdale like I say I’m fine, for once belive it or not!!! 
I can’t explain anything….it’s all mashed up

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.

Switch on 

….so Iv decided I can no longer struggle because my girlfriend is struggling. I need to respect her feelings and thoughts.

I want to marry this young lady and I hold my promise. But the day I do I will read vows that say I will protect honour and obey her what’s the point if I can’t do that now.

This is a tough time for me for everyone and mainly for her…it’s time I shower her I love her.
I had a light bulb moment once and changed my life …. so Iv switched it again 

Need to let it out 

So I can’t sleep. Iv been wake since 7am yesterday. I’m stressed out.

I’m in bed and I can’t stop crying, I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to think I just wanna cry and scream, I need a cuddle from the one I can’t. 

I feel like such a failure I can’t explain to anyone the pain I’m in…I’m lost I have no where to turn no one to turn to no one who understands no one who cares Iv tried help from everyone in last 24 hours, I even tried my dad who I hate …I just don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m just laying here a complete wreck and no body seems to care.

I hate myself so much right now I hate me I hate I hate me, why am I such a failure why do I mess everything up why? I’m such an idiot? 

I’m sorry I don’t make much sense but I’m going crazy I need to blog. Please don’t take any of this wrong way anyone…I need to vent and don’t have anyone to vent too 
What happened to my perfect life 😢

The illness called Anorexia

Anorexia.
It’s not a choice not to always eat, imagine the thought of being hungry and being in a supermarket but your unable to select anything from the shelf, calories are going through your mind, then your body what will that cake do to my body I can’t but I want to, this is Anorexia.

My best friend is living this nightmare at the moment and I’m by her side though it as much as she will let me, recently Iv held her hand through 1 A&E visit, 1 GP visit, 2 support worker meetings, 1 blood test, 1 blood pressure check and finally 1 food clinic visit this was all in 7 days…this girl had been out through torture.

I sit with this girl I look at her face I see the discolour in her cheeks I see the lack of meat on her like a normal human being I witness the tears she bleeds I witness the tiredness from walking. She no longer can decide anything as her brain is just food it thinks nothing else, I witness her snappy I witness every that this illness is doing to my soulmate.

She wakes up everyday and thinks food how to avoid how to not get told to eat how to not get fat, yet she looks in the mirror and is disgusted she looks like an old lady she looks like she’s knocking on deaths door. She has to wear cloths to layer up to keep warm and look better, we went to a supermarket last week and 2 people were clearly staring at her looking her up and down as she is so skinny her legs are tiny her arms are tiny she looks awful, she is still the most beautiful girl though. 

She has a bed ready 400miles away if she doesn’t eat, they will stop her being a human she will be told what to do what to eat and when, she won’t be able to do as she pleases and will be alone…this breaks my heart in two.

She doesn’t want to get to this stage but the illness is stopping her from seeing how close she is, if I tell her then I’m upsetting the illness and she doesn’t see it.

It’s not about putting food in her mouth this illness is taking over her brain, her choices, her body basically her whole life and she can’t beat it.

I am petrified, I get upset on my own about it I talk to my mum about it to try and comfort me, but this poor beautiful little girl is wondering around this big planet battling this every second of every single day.

I love her she’s my best friend so I can’t lose her but every day this illness is getting her a step closer to death and she wants it now too as she’s sick of the battle.
But she is a very very brave girl and she keeps finding that tiny peace of energy to try, I can’t explain in words because there isn’t a word or isn’t a sentence that can describe how proud of her I am for trying she’s my inspiration she is incredible. I want her to know I adore her and please keep fighting you will break down this illness and you will you again you have a long life left to live, I won’t let it take you away from me so early.
Please realise the damage anorexia has on a life it’s not a choice to be stick thin it’s not easy coping with it, its not nice to stare at someone because they look fragile…this is a human being who is slowly killing her self because there is not tablet to make it stop, there is no quick fix and as me I have to try and help but mainly sit here and watch someone I love, fall apart lose her identity and slowly die in front of my eyes.

I just want it to go away now, leave her alone she’s suffered enough. I want my beautiful girl back!
Life can be cruel.

She does read my bloggs so this is kinda for her to realise I get her pain and share mine too on the subject. But please comment anything if you think it will help as she will read.

Thanks all, happy Wednesday 

#day10 – where i would like to live

For me it will be again one day Newcastle.

I spent all my adult life there, it’s a very special city to me.

You have the amazing night life with all the sounds and sights you expect many bars, clubs and pubs the atmosphere of happy people many visiting during weekends, the mix of people on an evening out from stag and hen dos to, people visiting for weekends or students or the ever loving Geordies them self.

Then there is also the coastal area where I lived, you have an amazing coast line which has amazing views and have walked to full length a few times from a ruined castle all the way to a light house on it’s only little island, Iv walked the beach and run along the water edge it’s amazing to clear your mind there is somthing very special about sitting on the beach in winter and feeling the wet cold air come off the sea and watching the sun go down its incredible.


Then there is the countryside to you can travel minutes away to be in a quiet country pub or woodlands to walk and explore or just sit and enjoy in the summer with an ice cream of course but experience the great out doors.


So yeah I’m not ready to return there just yet but I intend to enjoy it more and would massively like to show others of this amazing crazy city that i call HOME.
Happy Wednesday people 😬