2017 so far

so I have made a monumental school boy error lol But never mind I am human we are all going to make them.

So I spent such a long time feeling glum, down and blogging about my past. I would read her blogs and get upset she would not or maybe did realise how broken hearted she made me feel every day and I would bite.

She asked me if I loved her to never msg her again and iv stuck to it, I adore this girl and its what I have to do.

Life has changed so much for each other in last 4 month its been awful and crazy but its life. 4 months ago in 3 days I was with her talking about marriage now we don’t talk iv not seen her in months and everyone else in the whole world is more important then me to her, but I guess I have learnt the valuable lesson that I never held the value to her that she held to me.

How ever this isn’t about bringing up the past, life made this happen you deal with it, I wont lie its a part of my life that caused me the most pain how ever she is also so someone I will never forget for all the bad that is plastered all over and for the devil I am described as we hold some of the most incredible memories just its easier to remember failure instead of success. I have a lot to focus on and some words from her a little while back have stuck in my mind and have really helped me make life choices.

 

Its been the worst year of my life I do anything in the world to change stuff but it is what it is, sick of acting out of character I am a much better person then that trust me I am showing it again sick of “wallowing”.

I wish that she would get better soon and that she had the strength not just to eat her way out of there and starve again. I want her to be happy and she clearly thinks its with anyone else but me so I wish her all the luck in the world. I no longer follow her on anything iv deleted everything I have I no nothing except blogs as I still care.

I say this to Aimee as she did read this, but I am sorry all of this happened two people who did love each other but both hit issues in mental health in very different ways the combination was a bad mix and made this a bad break up instead of a supportive one. I want you to know I don’t care what happened I don’t blame you, I don’t listen to what others say…I know you better then anybody’s comments I always stick up for you. I will always love you and I think about you every single day, I wish things were different I will never ever forget you!

To everyone else think about what people mean to you, don’t be a push over but also think about your actions heat of the moment or not remember how you would feel. I lost every thing I had all because a blog…so please think of the out come because right now there are things I wanna share with her, smiles I wanna make happen, cuddles I wanna hand out advice I wanna give and stuff I need to tell… but unfortunately I am never going to see her again or talk to her again in my life!

 

Don’t make my mistake people.

 

Stay happy, keep going and try live your dreams. Don’t learn the hard way 🙂

 

Happy blogging people.

 

Misinterpreted again

It’s been misinterpreted again.
I’m being described as nothing a complete nothing. Just the past.

I’m described like the worst thing ever, like did I imagine everything that happened?
I don’t try and make anyone feel bad it’s me that’s made to feel bad. I was made to feel this is my fault and knowing what my weakness is, there fully aware I would struggle in this situation.

So making me feel awful, ignoreing me and make me feel responsible knowing this would make me suffer.
I don’t paint any pictures or the one they think is actually wrong. 
I just don’t understand what ever happened, how did it go from helping someone to them then hating you. Then now because I blog and say I struggle I’m the one who’s causing all the pain…
IM NOT DOING ANYTHING … I just miss you, an I have no closure 😦
I will never understand why I’m being punished.
I’m so sad 😦 this is the worst Iv felt and her dating is destroying me 😦
I’m at work now and staring at the scissors….is it a good idea?? 😦
How has this bloody happened 

Im a mug 

So Iv had to bin sharp objects that were in my room. I woke up today and I had blood everywhere I had just caught some them that’s all and must gone every where.I’m starting look at myself and panic, I can see Iv lost loads weight. I can’t even type that with out feeling sick.
But I’m starting to discover my bullying of myself isn’t self guilt as much as I thought. 

It’s anger at my self, I’m angry with myself that I’m doing this to myself, I’m angry I’m letting someone else ruin my life make me sick ruin my dreams everything because I’m letting it.

I’m angry at myself for trusting someone for putting so much in, time effort money everything I had because I thought she was the one…I’m angry I’m such a mug I’m angry I didn’t listen to voice she’s too good.

What’s the point in being a nice person if people see that as weakness and a reason to exploit it.
I have no life, she has a better life then me and I let it. I don’t do anything, I’m always ill coz I don’t eat I can’t meet new people because I still love her and I’m scarred il be treated like this again.
It’s on my mind 24/7 everyday second, I’m a true mess. I don’t know even no what I would want from her to help but Iv asked, if it’s forgiveness (for nothing) a hello even a thank you for helping her anything.. just every time I see her online dating it kills me, it makes me think what we had was nothing all these feelings I have are fake. I can’t imagine after everything and no real reason for a break up how easy it is to then go online dating while sick which why we aren’t together.
I read blogs and stuff I agree and wanna point out told you so…but I’m not that person. I’m not angry at her, I’m angry at me…my punishment is Aimed at myself.
I don’t think this is gonna end to well for me. I’m out ideas out of luck and there’s no one that can or wants to help me. 

Signs = sadness 

I read about signs the other day…. Iv been hit with the same sign all day long, which certainly isn’t helpful.
So today no word of a lie 3 times Iv been asked, “jamie how’s that beautiful girlfriend of yours” from people in 3 different branches… how’s my beautiful girlfriend, well she’s still beautiful but as I accidentally discovered the other day “is seeking a relationship” and she decided to hate me too.
I was out in Newcastle Monday one of my friends didn’t no and didn’t believe me either, he said Facebook and Instagram we looked in love… ” well I was”
Then today a girl who wanted spend my day off with her…. I made cry 🙈 said I couldn’t do it, she said not me “it’s Aimee” I didn’t realise I’d mentioned her much, turns out way too much, she then said somthing unkind about her… and I hung up and won’t reply to her.
Yet I then seen her dating profile and just broke my heart again, it’s the worst feeling ever this time.
Yet no one is Aimee she was literally perfection, I can’t explain it.
I told that lass who was lush in every way people will think I’m crazy, but I told her it made me feel guilty seeing her as I care more about her blogs then this lass, she just wasn’t her 😦
But why does it matter? This girl doesn’t just not care she completely hates me 😦

This is what destroys me!

If I was on fire this girl would probs walk past me and kick me that’s how much she hates me. So why do I care so much 😦
Then tonight I cancel all my plans to stay in, I’m still not feeling great and have a super long day on the road but I flick on sky and what films available 
Sully….. No 🙈 I wanted to watch this with her for ages, she loved winding me up about it all the time lol even called the radio to tell them one hahahaha but I can’t watch it!!! 😦
This memory makes me smile every time, but makes me realise she was just perfect 😦 and makes me miss every single thing about her 😦
I feel sain, but I did think today I wish I was someone getting caught up in these bad attacks I don’t care if I’m no longer here…it’s like there’s no point with her.
Life mann 

I’m dreaming right?

So I found out through Facebook earlier my dad is engaged to his younger then me girlfriend who are expecting a child soon, combine that with my ex being so close by but who still hates my guts :(Like I’m surely gonna wake up one day and realise this is a dream right?
So I meet a lass who isn’t generally my type of girl more my brothers tbh a bit to Essex for me, but is a stunning girl and really canny and for some crazy reason stupidly keen on me, someit anyone wants right…but why isn’t it enough for me, I still think constantly miss and want the only girl who hates me to bits.
I’m nervous this weekend as I know she’s home, I’m nervous for her 🙈 I read her blog and get upset when I read she’s sad…I care way to much, but why?? This girl hates my guts she treats me like a bit of rubbish…so why can’t I hate her? 
This weekend is a struggle, I have full on flu I’m now on nights too but we are to short for me to call in sick. Just wondering what ever is next for me???? 
I could right a book, I just want a nice simple life…wish I had the life I imagined not this comedy show lol
Hope everyone is enjoying there weekend

A day with anxiety 

Waking up everyday more tired then when you go to bed. Sleepless nights looking through your phone looking at other lives and see how people are married, engaged and have kids and houses, everyone else is happy happy Happy.I get up and stare into space and forget basic life skills making a drink with out spilling it or collecting lunch for work I forget because my brain is thinking and thinking about anything and everything it’s obsessed with thinking.

People ignore you, someone doesn’t text you back or you’ve a reminder your single and you think why why what did I do what did I say why me, your brain goes round and round and round.

You imagine your ex is happy out and about your fiends are making plans with out you your family are avoiding you.

You begin to lose interest in everything work becomes a chore, eatting is a chore life it’s self is a chore your to tired.

Your brain is constantly thinking how to improve you keep telling your self why this is happening why that happened how you can fix it, who can help you fix.

You try and date as that’s the answer not releasing it makes it worse, you can smile and it’s gone you can get compliments and your fixed…..then ya alone and your brains back your back in this world your the failure again social media is happy happy happy, you add Instagram and Facebook pics to see likes to feel some love we blog random stuff to see if people care, we tx people to see if they care.

One person cares and we jump on there caring side we love them we adore them but how long will it last do we really?

We lose weight with stress and lack of food, we loose friends with negative behaviour we lose our jobs maybe our loved ones we lose everything apart from the thoughts the thoughts never stop.

Then you do get a few hours sleep before starting all over again tomorrow.

This ladies and gentleman boys and girls is what I go through every single day, to the outside world this is crazy and extreme but I reality to me and many others this is life and this anxiety.

Lying in bed very poorly, but watched a video that inspired me to describe what it’s like every day for me and many others.
Enjoy your weekend everyone 😄

Torture – it’s me 

I can’t deal with what I’m reading I can’t believe what I’m reading.
It has to be me, what is so wrong with me?
You must be awful when it’s so easy to hurt me and seems so much fun to hear what a mess I am.

You must be awful when dating in hospital is a better option then you remaining in there life after everything you been through.
When we made a year she said our rollercoaster had stopped didn’t realise she would be wrong and it’s just got worse.
I just can’t stand myself for finding out how awful a person I must be, I tried everything to be a feiend a boyfriend or even just a human and I’m the peace of rubbish she describes she threw me away in the bin!!! Am just kicks me about here an there 😦

Iv already thrown my dinner in the bin, wanted to call in sick for work I’m here and can’t be bothered yet have a very important flight plan to do 😦 

I have zero idea why any of this is happening????
Someone tell me why???? What have I done?

I’m gonna die a lonely guy 😢 just wish it

Would hurry up!!