Sorry

It’s nearly 1am and I’m in a bit of state, todays been awful.
It’s got me thinking as normal, being spat at like your scum and being told your a peace of s*** from your own Dad his words have hurt because I hate him, but his supposed to be my Dad his supposed to be proud of me not treating like dirt.
Then my true love comes to my mind, I can’t stop thinking about her at the moment. But if we’re as incredible as I describe which isn’t a lie, why does she hate me so much?
It’s me, I have caused all of this. I have been racking my brains for what seems forever and all I can think of is the mistakes I made originally, I messed up I did something I hate myself for, I scared her I got obsessed and I did try to grab it, it’s doesn’t matter what my reasoning was I did…my split moment stupidity I did, it the biggest regret of my life, then when we broke up I messed it up, I tried to hard to fix my mess. But when she got ill my way of apology was to give up my life to help her, it pained me literally pained me to see her basically dying. But everyday I felt the guilt of scaring her, being a total a*****e.
But I had changed, an I thought I had done some good.
We had fallen in love for real this time and I thought she has forgiven me and this was fresh beginnings, I loved her so much I wanted to marry her everyday I was so proud that Was my girlfriend I’d tell all of social media everything I didn’t care what she weighed or any of her problems I adored her but I treat like my bride to be and messed up when others had taken over I thought it meant I had failed her, I felt I needed to be the one that made it better I had to because I needed to make a Mende.
This has been the most traumatic experience of my life, this should be the greatest and it’s all my fault, I made the biggest mistake of my life the first time round and I thought I’d made it right but now it’s all I can think of that I did wrong.

I feel like I deserve this feeling. I’m not crying as I’m a mess or feeling suicidal.
I just feel like it’s all my fault I deserved to lose my dad as I’m an awful son and I deserved to lose my beautiful girlfriend as I was a terrible boyfriend.

Everyday I dream of things getting better not with him just her but they never will because this is all my fault.

She doesn’t read any of this….but to god I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart 😢 I didn’t mean any of it and I thought I had put it right 😢 but please please please stop punishing me, I beg for forgiveness I just want to be loved by my mum, Dad and most of all Aimee 😢😢😢

My dad today…

I’m fu**ing fuming.

I am so angry, as per usual my phone has been cut off because my dad won’t pay the bill and won’t pass owenership of the account.

Iv driven to his, to ask him to please get my phone reconnected, I said I would sit in my car and await.
He flipped started shouting and screaming at me, but I ignored and went and sat in my car.
He came out his house banging on my car window trying to open the door calling me a peace of sh**, telling me I’m a useless son as he had a suspected stroke not long ago, calling me a joke then he used the c bomb, yeap that disgusting word is how my own father has described me as I asked him to pay my phone bill Iv already paied him for.
I saw red and jumped out my car I said you don’t not call me a c*** to which he raised his hand to want to hit me, his fist clenched to punch his son….wow luckily he changed his mind and slammed the door. I don’t we completely shocked……I sat purched on the end of my bonnet.
He then opened the door and called the police then hung up an Walker towards me and …..brace yourself, my dad spat in my face over my glasses and called me a waste of space!!!

I do not know how I kept my call.

I am literally raging. So my brother has spoken with him and my bro has paied the bill again, yet I’m sitting out side his house still and I can’t move I’m fuming.

I cried my self to sleep last night at missing my ex girlfriend my best friend, yet she hates me still so much then today my father the guy who made me his blood has spat in my face and called me a waste of space.

I have zero idea why I deserve any of this.

The one person I wanna talk to….won’t, it’s times like now I wish she could stop hating and punishing me.

Needed to blog to see if this calm me down

Getting older

Woke up to a massive smile today, read a really interesting and positive blog.

Crazy the amount of influence someone can have on your mood, guess its why people say you shouldn’t throw the word love around with out meaning it.

Got me thinking I remember freaking my ex out when it just came out the first time I tried to cover it up…but it so didn’t work lol

I am 32 this year, 32 am starting out a new career which is great and hard work, but other then that I have not a lot to be honest. In 32 more years I will be 64….nearly at the end of my life, yet if I think about how fast these 32 have gone, I don’t actually have all that long left and this has scared the living day lights out of me.

My friend is getting married and secretly I am aware they may be having a family too, I am so pleased for them both as they are great, but for all people say they are a good a couple.. I actually had that same if not better relationship, this year should have been massive for me and her 2018 should have been a first home and wedding planning.

Instead my weekend will be me trying to find stuff to do to keep busy for the next 4 days and constant running.

I feel like life is slowly coming to a close, I really want to settle down and begin a family have a life that I never experienced as a child and I really cant see it with anyone else, this girl was perfection, she was meant to be my future.

But what do I do now? This is my problem, what’s next?

I cant  talk with her so I cant fix anything with her, yet I cant find anyone who is remotely close to how incredible she was, but at the same time…life’s catching me up, what happens if I never get to get married or ever experience being a Dad, Yet this experience is scary for everyone so I wanted to be with someone special…yet its not going to anymore.

My age and life is starting to worry me, this is what I had imagined and defiantly not the situation I should be in now.

angry at others

This is again one of them blogs, I want to blog to get it out of my head but yet I don’t want it to be read and taken incorrectly…its a catch 24, how ever my feelings are true if nothing else.

I am struggling a little at the minute, I keep reading how difficult of a time she is having. I get angry at the dates she has the way people cast her aside, I get angry at the lack of support she is receiving etc.

I long to have an opportunity to talk to her or be able to support her, but I am not in a position to she still has so much hatred towards me that she has zero to do with me regardless of how lonely she maybe. Yet people want to show how great they are and can offer a little here and their which look fantastic truly is great, but what about when she really needs it? I get people can offer advice to keep away from me, or people can offer to go for drinks or coffee or dates are after one thing with her…yet why do people not offer true support, you don’t need to remind her to eat you don’t need to wrap her up in cotton wall and as I learnt you certainly don’t need to try to hard, but seriously why is no one doing the basics?

This poor girl has just come home from 7/8 months in hospital then tried to instantly continue life but that was always going to be extremely difficult, but why has no one been there for her when she needed them or offer the simple stuff.

I am rambling but it drives me nuts. I am on nights tonight and have been awake today at home I went for a run yet other then not a lot, how I would have loved to been able to spend some time with her, how much I thought I wanted to drive to see her.

I recently got asked by a lass at work about her, apparently im so enthusiastic about describing how amazing she has done etc, to the point she thought she had began talking to me again and said iv done amazing to stick it out for her…. yet she hadn’t a clue. I have not stuck it out for her I still love her to bits but that’s just me it means nothing as she still can bare me but it doesn’t stop me being proud of her.

 

I just wish all the people who are not in my shoes, who she cares about who have the opportunity with her, realise how special she is support her and for god sake stop taking her for granted.

Keep on running 🏃‍♂️

Running, so this is helping me escape now it’s running out side in the fresh air listening to music and pushing my legs though pain, feeling the sweat on my body and fighting the urge to stop.

My heart sank last night Aimee on a date, smashed mine to peace’s again, but I sat tight and will weather this storm like all the others. My heart sank even more though that people won’t look past her illness even though I’m sad I’m not part her life I really want her to be happy. Why can’t someone love her as much as I do and it pains me to say.

Back to me…so I was up at 0800 picked friend up me and him went for breakfast then shopping at Freeport and then Colchester for running stuff, we had a good morning had a good laugh and most of all kept my mind busy.

Came home and just smashed another run this one was an amazing speed, focused not Aimee but me it hurt like hell but I pushed so hard. I’m not chilling before going out for coffee then visiting my mate on my way home then out tonight with the boys a very busy day.

Now I wish she was part of my time off, but I can’t make her.

But my life is turning into this run it’s bloody tough but I have to keep pushing and keep running and not stop!!

 

Funny sibling

So my delightful brother has been msging my friend online, a dating site and not thinking she would tell me.
How ever she has, she also told me not to go mad but sent me screen shots of the conversation…she explained not to go mad.
So she explained a conversation we had had about my ex, an he went on about how we were bad because we were cocky together and would take the mick etc etc.
To be honest this made me laugh and smile not go mad, together we were confident we weren’t horrible we were honest we did banter like no one would lol but we got each other so much, this really has made me smile.
She would stick up for me and not feel sorry for him like he wants.

Starting to learn not to trust anyone even family are plotting behind ya back, think that’s annoyed me more then him being horrible or should I say jealous of what we had is just petty!!

 

It’s been a funny few days I’m missing her lots, but it’s cool. I’m pleased she’s home wish I could be of some support but none the less it’s all good 🙂

Just wanted share a smile from a memory

Storms

Big black clouds came over my world they took away everything I had, my dreams, my heart and my life.
There are moments that breaks in them clouds let the sunshine shine through, this makes everything seem better but it just hides the fact the clouds are there and there full of a massive variety of weather phenomenons.
No body seen the hurt I feel, no body sees the spinning of my brain or the screams for help in my head.
The loneliness is awful, at night the silence is so noisy I hear my ex girlfriends voice, I hear her laughter. Then the black in the room becomes bright as memories fly around the room and while this all happens your heart sinks and the tears become real.
As I’m not in hospital and not diagnosed with anything I’m not entitle to hurt, I’m not allowed to struggle and I’m not allowed to care.
I was blamed for the mood swings, I was blamed even for the illness and also blamed for slowing recovery, but this wasn’t meant it was pain it was hurt it was love, but this is totally acceptable by family and friends, but not by me.
The love you have and believe makes you fight not because your crazy, evil, toxic or any other words…it’s because like no one else has before your not giving up on someone because you love them, but the feeling you get when ya told it’s making them worse your making them cry.
You become a stranger, strangers become best friends and your still just a name a blame and someone that’s used to release inner thoughts.
You sit from a far and you worry, you sweat at suicide story’s you shake at reading sectioning threats, but as the lights go out and the tears become real your love means nothing your tears don’t care and your name is still in lights, but as an evil person.
Blood pours from your arm, tablets fizz in your drink, driving and crying suicide sets inn, why? Why be selfish? Why be selfless?
GUILT
No one knows what we fill inside, no one knows what words mean to you, all the blaming blogs how words and sentences here and there affect the most… yet for all this you continue to smile at progress you feel there smile and you hear their tears and feel them against your skin, then as you prey for someone to help them you wake up to your name in lights again.
You want to scream you want to cry but you just continue because you can’t stop loving and it would be so much easier if the feelings wasn’t so special.
You continue under the clouds, while hers show sunshine you have to sit back and be no part of the world you once lived inn.
Your show your proudness and try to be nice but again you names in lights your the problem.
While you sit at home in the dark in a room where ya have put the birthday card with the Christmas card, the pain is no better then tears won’t stop but I don’t matter because I’m not in hospital.
Gratitude is not required, you know you did a great job, you know you played as massive part in helping someone, but someone to you is your soulmate someone to them is someone they hate…an your name is evil.

I don’t blame, her I don’t blame the family, I don’t blame the hospitals or workers….I blame anorexia and I blame myself.

I sit here and feel the power of thunderstorms atm as my world is struggling to cope with sheer strength of this storm.

But I don’t matter…so it’s fine!