Me

As a child, we should be loved and enjoy life like an adventure and should look forward to everyday to experience something new and gain more experience to help us in life.There was a part of my life now Which contains no memory’s at all nothing I remember well, apart from school I was lucky I was fairly popular and made lots of friends which made school life fine.

Home life was different, every morning you would not know what was next. You would awaken but wait, if I got up to toilet and it wasn’t the right time or made to much noise that would be it, I would sit in my cupboard of a room (I wasn’t allowed the full room so I had a single chair bed in a cupboard because he wanted an office) I lived my life in the cupboard, I did have a nice view tho.

When he was up and out of bed I would wait, wait for a sign that I could get up I was to scarred to leave my room on getting up, if he was on a bad mood I’d need an excuse to go to my room. He once was in such a bad mood he would just remove his slipper and hit me around the face and back as hard as he could the rubber sole became a print on my body while laying on the floor and be hit an hit an hit I would cry and just take it, wondered if acting dead would make him stop anything eventually he would stop as say go to your room. I would go to my room and could sit or lay anywhere from pain and burns even tears on my face hurt. The door would be closed and every single footstep would be an alarm please don’t come in and he would come in my room and say why are you crying you stop or il give you something to cry about. This was regular every few hours this could happen, if it wasn’t a shoe it would be a tv remote, a rolled up paper or book, it was also my crutches when I broke my leg and even had a glass hit off my head.

The point I’m making is I spent my life worried I’d upset someone living in fear and that all I wanted was to be special to someone.

I had been treated bad off ex’s before until last year I meet a girl who….made an effort for me, it began odd she wasn’t sure then did somit stupid but I forgave then we had time apart, then we ended back together when she got ill. But this was different I this time felt safe she helped move away from him in my life it changed so much for me, she battled my corner with everyone she loved being with my and was greatful for me and all I did for her, she turned to me in moments of darkness I began to feel that I had a purpose in life and it was to help someone I loved she trusted me to help her an I did I did everything maybe to much but I was repaying someone for being the first human in my life who I loved who actually made me no1 and made me feel safe.

My worry for her when she was sick was through the roof I loved this girl to the moon and back I’d actually die for her she meant that much. 

But it was to much for her she thought I was controlling I wasn’t I was just scarred for her I couldn’t lose something I dreamed of all my life by her dying.

I was jealous of a couple people who meant more to her then me all a sudden I didn’t feel needed, she didn’t trust me to do anything grown up she needed her brother to do it. Lots people treat me like an absolute idiot I am clumsy I guess.

I lost her because I was controlling 😢

Today I just think about that feeling she gave me it’s like the boy who hid in the cupboard had a girl who came and got me she took me away from the house helped me smile and enjoy my life she was the first person who genuinely cared for me made me feel special.

I don’t have anyone in this world and didn’t need anyone she was more then enough.
But now she no longer needs me she is getting on starting a new life beginning again, all she wants and needs are her brother and sister now.
I feel like the guy back in cupboard, there’s no one out side the room to worry about but I can’t get out the cupboard, I look at the window and see her out side struggling but making it down the road and all I have of her now is memory’s and pictures, that picture when I close my eyes her I close my eyes every night and think and dream of this angel.
I never missed my life so much, this time was real to me, I wanted to make her my wife I was so proud to call her my partner. I just explain why I feel like this or what I even feel. But I hate myself so much everyday I blame all of this on me.

I just wanted to explain why I worried so much and why I love her so much I’m not a bad person.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I’m just finishing the end of my 84 hour week I barely know my own name l Happy weekend people 🙂
I wanna thank everyone for all the likes and follows it makes sense a difference 🙂 

Positive to negative in one second/lost

So I was going to blog a very positive blog regarding some charity related stuff but it took a massive dive as I read something that has massively contradicted it all.
I am supposed to be running for the charity mind in a months time (having done zero training) I had sent an email to my crew at work and with in this email I explained what mind meant to me, I had been a witness to what mental health can cause the distraction I watched my loved one go through, I explained how mental health is also external as well as internal I watched my soulmate attempt to kill herself every day i witnessed her turn to a Skelton and live an anorexic lifestyle it was hard, I was a witness to suicide attempts, tears and tears, hospital, doctor appoiments I seen the scares from cutting her self I seen the look in her eyes at her reflection and the crying when she hated life…this was though, I explained this to people not so graphic but to a degree.
I received some amazing donations and some incredible messages, my boss told me what an incredible person I am and I am an inspiration for the amount I did Iv had crew ask me how she is and well wishes and how amazing mind is!!
But this girl now hates me and for all everyone keeps telling me she doesn’t, I know now she does.
Iv read how important her family are and that she has never felt loved like she does from them no one has ever cared for her as much…it’s gut wrenching to read that, it shows I failed I didn’t do enough everything me and my family did was of no use. I hate myself even more now, now I realise I’m useless.
Me personally am doing really well I’m back to where I was but it’s made me think and I’m lost ATM but I realised I don’t have anyone in the world no matter how bad everyone’s life Is I don’t think mines bad but…it’s not great, Iv not done anything for 6/7 weeks Iv not had one alcoholic drink since I was with her last Iv been out once about 5 weeks ago, I literally have no friends I have nothing, i removed Facebook as it was depressing me, Iv no one to support me my dad called me yesterday first time in about 4 months….he wanted to borrow money, my mum won’t talk to me because I’m not the happy jamie I used to be my brother just cares about his work and my friend in Newcastle I think got sick of me being down. I’m no longer down but I’m so lonely I’m currently working 7 12 hour shifts in a row today is day 5 and it’s because Iv no life, but I’m not depressed I don’t get or can’t explain this feeling. It’s like Iv given up so much that I’m no longer even depressed about it. I’m literally just existing and I just seem to find out more an more reason to hate myself…Iv reasons to be positive this week but nah Iv just lost more sleep and gained a migraine every day.
I’m at work now, my job involves flying aircraft basically from the ground lol Iv just helped save us from an accident 2 hours of calculations calls talking to the flight in the air and Iv managed to keep us going…I actually do contain a brain and and I was so proud of myself but then 2mins later I realise who I am and I stop my self being proud of myself…an I think who can I tell this good stuff too…oh yeah no one. Il just tell the white wall I stare at in my room or the wooden desk I have at work.
It’s odd though, because I’m actually fine I’m not negative surprisingly I’m not suicidal I’m not depressed I’m just soooooooooooo lost and lonely.
I lost so much them weeks ago.  

Still missing her 

6/7 weeks of zero contact and still think about this girl every single day, why?She clearly hates me for the way she dropped me…why would I be interested in that? 

As time has gone on I don’t miss her less I miss her more. I am better in myself great..but still why do I crave a hello or dream about her allllll the time? 

I’m sitting at work on my day off trying concentrate on work but I keep thinking of her and Iv zero idea why?

So much has happened and there’s like a billion things I’d love to share with her yet tbh I don’t think even if she text I could even reply. 

I get mixed thoughts and the input from my friends is varied.

Just I can’t get is why???? Why still?

Well I guess it’s because I genuinely loved her, life is crazy! 

None of this really should be happening at all, an probs the last person I ever thought would be like this, I’m not sure il ever understand what happened.

But life just won’t stop reminding me of her , from places, songs, a Toblerone in the fridge lol 

Who knows, just thought I’d randomly shout out on a Saturday night lol
Hope everyone is having an amazing weekend 🙂 
Laterz 

Greatful for her

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 

I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  
We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.
With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.
There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.

An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.

I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.

I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 

Through out her ilness she has stayed strong and battled away, she’s cried, she’s been ill she’s smiled and laughed she’s in a strange hospital with strange people eatting food and trying to battle her inner strength and her bravery brings a tear to my eye Iv never been proud of anyone as much as I am of her even now, I don’t know how she’s doing but I’m positive she will be smashing it.

I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

Greatful

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.
On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 
I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  

We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.

With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.

There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.
An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.
I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.
I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 
I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

It’s getting worse

What the hell happened to me yesterday, Iv been fine….until yesterday.
I came home in a complete state, like Iv never felt before I’m so lost it’s unbelievable still I can’t stop this feeling I have tried everything possible to man. But last night hit a low I made my mum cry she hates seeing me like this she offered my her room if it would help or to move to my Nans of even ask my dad and she hates that I hate being at her house. She got upset because I didn’t eat my dinner again and that I sat in the chair and just cried and cried mixture of emotions and pain I keep getting pain in my stomach and sides. I can’t remember seeing my mum cry before 😦 makes me realise I’m not fine to have that impact on someone.

Then to top it off I’m at work today in pain and my only friend calls me, and she begins to cry on the phone to me as “she wants me back” she wants to help me but doesn’t know how, she says she can’t bare listening to me or seeing me upset. I can’t believe I’m now affecting others.

Iv come into work first time I don’t wanna be here at all, I passed my probation and they want me to be a supervisor too….but I can’t do it, my hearts not into anything I can’t do it. I need go doctors but I’m also thinking of asking for some help in my mood, but doing this will finish my dream my career I always wanted, I worked hard for years moved away and everything all for this one job and I’m gonna have throw it all away because I’m a mess.
Why???? Why am I?
I lost my partner due to her illness she didn’t want me, is that a reason to complete destroy my life? 
I dream practically every other day the words “your killing her” I can’t get that out my head I can’t stop blaming myself, I can’t stop it every single second I think about it. I never wanna hurt someone, Iv never loved anyone so much In my life…but what do I want right now to help? Like what would I dream of??
To see her???? No, I don’t think I could face it, that’s how much I can’t cope. 

Do I wanna get back with her??? No, right now i couldn’t. Do I wanna talk to her??? I’m not even sure.

So what do I want???? It’s not the girlfriend side of stuff I miss as much as my abso best friend…I didn’t realise how much of my best friend she was. 
This whole situation is out of control, what happened? Why did this happen? The life of sitting in the sunshine smiling and laughing with a drink…seems like a dream doesn’t feel like it ever happened, this is just a massive nightmare I can’t wake up from, I just wish there was anyone who make me listen. 

Help me

What’s happening to me…

Iv got home an I couldn’t bring myself to go home I had to drive round the block 7/8 times I didn’t not wanna go in doors negative. I then parked the car and couldn’t open the door I didn’t wanna get out.

Iv come in come to my room closed the door and I can’t stop crying I don’t wanna be here…this is beyound losing a loved one, what’s happening to me??? I sit here an I’m scarred incase someone walks inn I don’t know why, I’m shaking I’m so scared I have no one to talk to no where to turn…I don’t even know what’s happening I can’t unpack my stuff I can’t eat I’m just abso balling my eyes out, I don’t know why? I’m so scarred 😢

What’s happening to me?????

I wish someone would help me! I’m just so scarred 😢