Made my punishment 

So I read earlier how she punishing her self and somthing earlier reminded me of her. I now instantly get annoyed at myself, I caused all this it’s my fault she hurts her self I don’t deserve to get away with making her ill.

I looked forward to coming home to hide away with the razor blade, I now decide that when I do somit wrong or feel guilty il scratch away and watching the blood and feeling the sting is what I deserve.


That’s just little but it’s visible, it’s a reminder to me everyday for how I ruined her life I hate it infact it makes me feel sick.

But I can’t get away with this.

A day with anxiety 

Waking up everyday more tired then when you go to bed. Sleepless nights looking through your phone looking at other lives and see how people are married, engaged and have kids and houses, everyone else is happy happy Happy.I get up and stare into space and forget basic life skills making a drink with out spilling it or collecting lunch for work I forget because my brain is thinking and thinking about anything and everything it’s obsessed with thinking.

People ignore you, someone doesn’t text you back or you’ve a reminder your single and you think why why what did I do what did I say why me, your brain goes round and round and round.

You imagine your ex is happy out and about your fiends are making plans with out you your family are avoiding you.

You begin to lose interest in everything work becomes a chore, eatting is a chore life it’s self is a chore your to tired.

Your brain is constantly thinking how to improve you keep telling your self why this is happening why that happened how you can fix it, who can help you fix.

You try and date as that’s the answer not releasing it makes it worse, you can smile and it’s gone you can get compliments and your fixed…..then ya alone and your brains back your back in this world your the failure again social media is happy happy happy, you add Instagram and Facebook pics to see likes to feel some love we blog random stuff to see if people care, we tx people to see if they care.

One person cares and we jump on there caring side we love them we adore them but how long will it last do we really?

We lose weight with stress and lack of food, we loose friends with negative behaviour we lose our jobs maybe our loved ones we lose everything apart from the thoughts the thoughts never stop.

Then you do get a few hours sleep before starting all over again tomorrow.

This ladies and gentleman boys and girls is what I go through every single day, to the outside world this is crazy and extreme but I reality to me and many others this is life and this anxiety.

Lying in bed very poorly, but watched a video that inspired me to describe what it’s like every day for me and many others.
Enjoy your weekend everyone 😄

I can’t take much more guilt, I hate me.

Oh my actual god.
I have just spoken to my friend and cried and cried and cried I screamed I can’t take any more of this, my life is being destroyed. I hate life more then I ever have and the guilt I hold is weighing me down, I won’t do anything now that makes me happy or smile or anything because I’m not allowed she is suffering so I need to suffer. I do nothing but work sleep.

My friend told me that she was always proud of me for what I did not sleeping to take her to appoiment, asking my family to help out, telling her mum about her illness because she couldn’t, I seeked help when I couldn’t tell anyone she told me if i did she would never talk to me or even kill herself, I couldn’t take that chance. I helped convince doctors I’d look after her so they wouldn’t section her more then once I agreed to look after her. I took days off work called in sick changed my days off stopped working my second job stopped seeing my friends I did everything humanly possible to help her make her bothers wedding more then anything. I would do shopping with her I’d remove labels from food, I’d try make her stick to her meal plan i annoyed her but I wanted her to make this massive occasion. 

I used to go to work shattered as she never slept, I’d call her when I could to make sure she was okay, I communicated with staff at her first hospital to make sure she was okay, I left work in the middle of a night shift done a 4 hour round trip to see her at hospital so she wasn’t alone and she wouldn’t even talk or look at me, but I did it because if it was me I’d appreciate it.

I helped her make this wedding and what a magical weekend it was…I will honestly never ever forget it.

Then my worry and concern was turned into me controlling, this was not the case at all I worried its natural she tx me everyday to say she wanted to die.

She went to her next hospital and said goodbye to me in the morning after my mum an family looked after her for a week so they didn’t section her and I never heard from her again, just to say she couldn’t give me what I needed and that she didn’t feel anything.

This broke my heart I love her of cause it’s going to. I massively fucked up, I tx loads to get answers and frustration hit in it made no sense I’d done all that then all sudden I’m a stranger…in fact strangers were more important. Eventually I was blocked but before I was, I was told I’m killing her by msging her I’m ruining her recovery, police would be involved the hospital say I’m slowing her recovery….I literally couldn’t believe it, I was bereaving the loss of what I thought was my future wife. For the next 5 weeks I blamed myself I stopped eatting I hide food in my car the bin I don’t eat just because I can’t be bothered it punishes me and I deserve it as I’m killing her, I don’t talk to anyone really I have no friends I cut myself off from the world I work every hour work want me too stop me spending a day hating myself, Iv taken up cutting myself do on my leg so no will see but I deserve to be in pain, I sleep 4 hours tops every night I close my eyes and dream of her I have nightmares about how much I let her down. I can’t talk to people on the phone because I just hate people hearing my mood I haven’t smiled or even done anything in months, I just want to punish myself.

Then tonight I msg her again I’m missing her yeah I’m stupid but I miss her, an I get told I’m giving her family her stuff tonight, tomorrow night, the weekend, via post or taxi all this while I’m trying drive in middle no where in the pouring rain. So I call them and I get told that it’s my fault again if I had told them earlier none of this would have happened now I nearly crashed the car….what? Are they serious? What should I have done? I can feel my self getting upset at this point, I can’t take anymore blame what’s the next step how can I punish myself even more?? These people don’t see the affect a statement has on someone they don’t need hate me I hate myself enough, I blame myself for all this it’s all my fault she’s done well to get rid of me. But I don’t I have to live every single day in shame in guilt, starving myself, ruining my own life as it’s what I deserve. I can’t take much more of me I hate me so much I’d love to have the guts to end it all I don’t know what’s next to punish myself but il find it and I won’t stop either I’m obsessed with punishing myself.

I tried to talk to her as I think a normal convo with her would have easied some my guilt but it’s not what they want they want me to pay the price for her ilness.

Il happily do it for them.

I am away work related and I told them this but they are shouting at me tell me a date time place for her stuff, I can’t I don’t even no my name let alone dates times places with work I don’t no how comfortable I feel about going certain places etc but they don’t stop I get in after nearly 10 hour traveling on 3 hours sleep and it continues pictures of laws and telling me hospital say they have a case and that they have seeked advice and have copy’s of msgs and recordings of calls they then call me an record again….I breakdown at this point I can’t cope with people reminding me over an over it’s my fault they all blame me…I’d kill me if I had the balls.
Then they call the police my family are woken up by the police as they fear for my life, I’m not home I told them this I refuse to cooperate with the police as this is a fucking joke now. So now I have to drive to a police station or I’m gonna be on a wanted missing list wtf Iv been up for hours an hours I had my day ruined by these people and now it continues, this is incredible.
Now all I ever did was help there sister and I’m repayed by now hating my own life, I never felt so guilty Iv not got see the police I’m basically being bullied and I helped her when no one else would and because I loved her an msged loads they want me to pay for it….an I am! 
This is the worst Iv ever felt in my life, this is worse then being abused. The one person Iv loved more then anything and this is the memory and thanks I get 😦
I don’t want my friend to be proud of me no one should be proud of me this is all my fault and I can’t live with this guilt much longer.
I’m just sorry I didn’t do more and I hate life but most of al I hate jamie I fucking hate you so much!!! 

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.

I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

Living hell 

Right now me and my girlfriend are going through hell.She has been admitted to hospital full time an hour and a half away from home.

So she did the amazingly brave thing and decided to give hospital ago, its strict she has to eat she isn’t allowed to return to her room after she leaves it in the morning, she has to be up by 0800 and then bedtime is at 2230 she has to take part in all groups and is restricted on visiting.

She has been in now since last Monday today is day 8 and she is eatting she’s doing what they say and I can’t describe the feel it gives me I can never explain the appreciation for someone to make so much effort to want to get well to get better for her for her family for us it means so much. 

How ever the affect this place is having on her mentally is unbearable, she is so depressed, she cuts her self regular, she won’t talk to staff, patients. She won’t do anything and keeps telling me she wants to runaway she wants to die.

Then it’s straining our relationship, she’s very snappy at me, we argued loads lately about nothing at all, everything I say is miss interpreted, but she’s struggling so bad now she’s being to not wanna talk to me either she’s lost motivation she worry we’re going to argue when in fact we weren’t arguing she thinks I’m mad at her all the time when I’m not in slightest.

I spend all day worrying about her every second I think of her she’s my girlfriend and I love her to bits we have been through a lot even before this illness and we always come out the other side but she’s my best friend and girlfriend in one so it’s doubly difficult to sit back and watch your loved one fall apart and you can’t do anything. It’s got so bad I thought about cutting myself not to hurt me but to see why she does it, maybe it can comfort me in these bad times?? I don’t know.

Tonight she ran away and took an overdose my beautiful girl wanted to die, this breaks my heart. I intend to marry this girl yet tonight she wanted to die. It’s hard. I drove a long way to see her I seen her for 20mins and she didn’t wanna talk she couldn’t look at me she was just starring at her feet she’s didn’t wanna talk about anything she still thinks I’m mad she thinks she running my life…. she looks like Aimee but doesn’t act like Aimee she really didn’t look bothered to see me, I know deep down she didn’t mean it bad it’s just depression I get it Iv had it bad too.

Just not sure how to tell her I love her I’m not ever angry I just wanna help, when ya in love with someone you wanna do all you can to help she can never do wrong she’s not a burden she’s my girl it’s was I’m here for good and bad times. We will come out the other end here it’s just soooo difficult ATM so difficult….I just want her back and healthy.