Lots to think about choices to make where better to think then London, currently attempting to be a tourist on my own. Very bizarre feeling but comfort zones need pushing. Embankment is a crazy place lol
I have people in my head people go don’t listen to me people who wanna be in my life people I can’t have in my life and people who read situations wrongly.
There’s so much but also so little at the same time. I’m scarred bumping into her while here too petrified.
Iv been bullied, beaten and all sorts yet never has anyone hated me so much, it’s a feeling I abso hate and really don’t understand what makes it worse is it’s by someone I truely loved.
My weeks seem to get worse not better 😦
So it’s been a rollacoaster ride this week.
I have discovered a few things but they main thing being my inner strength, I actually do have control of my life which is fantastic.
Some scenarios were put infront of me which I would have crumbled but instantly turned to fix instead of delaying. Already feeling the benifits.
I’m in a weird situion and unfortunately for reasons I can’t explain, it’s weird. My life has taken a hugh U turn and everybody seems to be telling me I don’t need to worry and this that and the other but I feel it this time this is new this is different.
Iv come back home tonight and I don’t wanna talk with anyone I’m not annoyed I just don’t wanna talk, I just wanna pack my stuff and leave…. is that brave or is that silly? I have my notice written and ready…I thought about it before but never so seriously….is this right? Is this time? Is this silly? Should I be patient? I have millions of that going around my head.
I cried today…..no just a tear or two, full on gut wrenching tears no one was in so screamed it as I cried (I scarred the dog) I kinda scarred myself I’d been so calm cool and collective till earlier, I was feeling the pain the my chest soar my head hurting and uncontrollable tears…I was hurting and unfortunately had no one to support me this time, no one to cuddle me no one to tell all was okay…think these tears had been building up… but I must admit I didn’t like it at all.
When do you stop following your heart? When do you follow your head? What about when the two say the same as everyone but you?
But I’m in control, I’m in control of me…I doing the right stuff, so why? And why am I neglecting me too??? A lay down last night in bed at 0200 I don’t sleep, an I felt content I had said good bye to my house mate and something I was watching….I woundered if I had said goodbye to everyone and maybe felt this was my time? I didn’t ever wanna argue again with people, I didn’t really care about anything I just….done, happy Iv done what ever. But I’m not suicdale like I say I’m fine, for once belive it or not!!!
I can’t explain anything….it’s all mashed up
So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.
She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.
Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you.
If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.
So I can’t sleep. Iv been wake since 7am yesterday. I’m stressed out.
I’m in bed and I can’t stop crying, I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to think I just wanna cry and scream, I need a cuddle from the one I can’t.
I feel like such a failure I can’t explain to anyone the pain I’m in…I’m lost I have no where to turn no one to turn to no one who understands no one who cares Iv tried help from everyone in last 24 hours, I even tried my dad who I hate …I just don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m just laying here a complete wreck and no body seems to care.
I hate myself so much right now I hate me I hate I hate me, why am I such a failure why do I mess everything up why? I’m such an idiot?
I’m sorry I don’t make much sense but I’m going crazy I need to blog. Please don’t take any of this wrong way anyone…I need to vent and don’t have anyone to vent too
What happened to my perfect life 😢
Day 2…… started slowly, big day is getting close (not wedding) no day I go to be assessed at the Hospital, I’m petrified I can’t think of anything else, I msg my friend this morning as I promised myself I would carry on being polite to people I care about…but again she ignored me.
I continued work and was looking at stuff online to get me out of the U.K. And all sorts my brain was walking…. it got lunch time and I felt sick of worrying about tomorrow thinking about aimee, thinking back to last weekend I spent with her and the laughs at the pub and this thatbthe other let’s just say I was anxious.
I tx her and eventually she replied not a lot but she said was proud of my effort this along with one other saying the same kept me happy they don’t realise the power of them simple words.
Then as the day continued and it was stressful the closer to Friday I get the more scared I get.
So I msg my friend she says look we go for a drink one hour only, I jump at it I don’t have anyone else….I say only if you want, she says well not really, I’m busy. My phone has poor signal so I head over I’m feeling up beat an positive for 20mins I’m not thinking of Friday….then I get there, she says she’s baking she’s busy…… I drop out that cloud and smash my face on the floor, she then said I’m in the bath go away. An tells me off because she changed her mind she never said would…. then pops in she’s out tomorrow night and can try fit me in at some point and then ignores all me again.
At this pint I’m feeling so low so low I can’t even cry am I angry or sad?
I end up apologising to her an she tells me off. I come home empty and lost my brain thinks nothing my body just moved im lost I’m so scarred and all I need is my friend who’s here yet all she wants is to arrange her next date……why do I hold no value.