Sorry

It’s nearly 1am and I’m in a bit of state, todays been awful.
It’s got me thinking as normal, being spat at like your scum and being told your a peace of s*** from your own Dad his words have hurt because I hate him, but his supposed to be my Dad his supposed to be proud of me not treating like dirt.
Then my true love comes to my mind, I can’t stop thinking about her at the moment. But if we’re as incredible as I describe which isn’t a lie, why does she hate me so much?
It’s me, I have caused all of this. I have been racking my brains for what seems forever and all I can think of is the mistakes I made originally, I messed up I did something I hate myself for, I scared her I got obsessed and I did try to grab it, it’s doesn’t matter what my reasoning was I did…my split moment stupidity I did, it the biggest regret of my life, then when we broke up I messed it up, I tried to hard to fix my mess. But when she got ill my way of apology was to give up my life to help her, it pained me literally pained me to see her basically dying. But everyday I felt the guilt of scaring her, being a total a*****e.
But I had changed, an I thought I had done some good.
We had fallen in love for real this time and I thought she has forgiven me and this was fresh beginnings, I loved her so much I wanted to marry her everyday I was so proud that Was my girlfriend I’d tell all of social media everything I didn’t care what she weighed or any of her problems I adored her but I treat like my bride to be and messed up when others had taken over I thought it meant I had failed her, I felt I needed to be the one that made it better I had to because I needed to make a Mende.
This has been the most traumatic experience of my life, this should be the greatest and it’s all my fault, I made the biggest mistake of my life the first time round and I thought I’d made it right but now it’s all I can think of that I did wrong.

I feel like I deserve this feeling. I’m not crying as I’m a mess or feeling suicidal.
I just feel like it’s all my fault I deserved to lose my dad as I’m an awful son and I deserved to lose my beautiful girlfriend as I was a terrible boyfriend.

Everyday I dream of things getting better not with him just her but they never will because this is all my fault.

She doesn’t read any of this….but to god I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart 😢 I didn’t mean any of it and I thought I had put it right 😢 but please please please stop punishing me, I beg for forgiveness I just want to be loved by my mum, Dad and most of all Aimee 😢😢😢

My dad today…

I’m fu**ing fuming.

I am so angry, as per usual my phone has been cut off because my dad won’t pay the bill and won’t pass owenership of the account.

Iv driven to his, to ask him to please get my phone reconnected, I said I would sit in my car and await.
He flipped started shouting and screaming at me, but I ignored and went and sat in my car.
He came out his house banging on my car window trying to open the door calling me a peace of sh**, telling me I’m a useless son as he had a suspected stroke not long ago, calling me a joke then he used the c bomb, yeap that disgusting word is how my own father has described me as I asked him to pay my phone bill Iv already paied him for.
I saw red and jumped out my car I said you don’t not call me a c*** to which he raised his hand to want to hit me, his fist clenched to punch his son….wow luckily he changed his mind and slammed the door. I don’t we completely shocked……I sat purched on the end of my bonnet.
He then opened the door and called the police then hung up an Walker towards me and …..brace yourself, my dad spat in my face over my glasses and called me a waste of space!!!

I do not know how I kept my call.

I am literally raging. So my brother has spoken with him and my bro has paied the bill again, yet I’m sitting out side his house still and I can’t move I’m fuming.

I cried my self to sleep last night at missing my ex girlfriend my best friend, yet she hates me still so much then today my father the guy who made me his blood has spat in my face and called me a waste of space.

I have zero idea why I deserve any of this.

The one person I wanna talk to….won’t, it’s times like now I wish she could stop hating and punishing me.

Needed to blog to see if this calm me down

Getting older

Woke up to a massive smile today, read a really interesting and positive blog.

Crazy the amount of influence someone can have on your mood, guess its why people say you shouldn’t throw the word love around with out meaning it.

Got me thinking I remember freaking my ex out when it just came out the first time I tried to cover it up…but it so didn’t work lol

I am 32 this year, 32 am starting out a new career which is great and hard work, but other then that I have not a lot to be honest. In 32 more years I will be 64….nearly at the end of my life, yet if I think about how fast these 32 have gone, I don’t actually have all that long left and this has scared the living day lights out of me.

My friend is getting married and secretly I am aware they may be having a family too, I am so pleased for them both as they are great, but for all people say they are a good a couple.. I actually had that same if not better relationship, this year should have been massive for me and her 2018 should have been a first home and wedding planning.

Instead my weekend will be me trying to find stuff to do to keep busy for the next 4 days and constant running.

I feel like life is slowly coming to a close, I really want to settle down and begin a family have a life that I never experienced as a child and I really cant see it with anyone else, this girl was perfection, she was meant to be my future.

But what do I do now? This is my problem, what’s next?

I cant  talk with her so I cant fix anything with her, yet I cant find anyone who is remotely close to how incredible she was, but at the same time…life’s catching me up, what happens if I never get to get married or ever experience being a Dad, Yet this experience is scary for everyone so I wanted to be with someone special…yet its not going to anymore.

My age and life is starting to worry me, this is what I had imagined and defiantly not the situation I should be in now.

angry at others

This is again one of them blogs, I want to blog to get it out of my head but yet I don’t want it to be read and taken incorrectly…its a catch 24, how ever my feelings are true if nothing else.

I am struggling a little at the minute, I keep reading how difficult of a time she is having. I get angry at the dates she has the way people cast her aside, I get angry at the lack of support she is receiving etc.

I long to have an opportunity to talk to her or be able to support her, but I am not in a position to she still has so much hatred towards me that she has zero to do with me regardless of how lonely she maybe. Yet people want to show how great they are and can offer a little here and their which look fantastic truly is great, but what about when she really needs it? I get people can offer advice to keep away from me, or people can offer to go for drinks or coffee or dates are after one thing with her…yet why do people not offer true support, you don’t need to remind her to eat you don’t need to wrap her up in cotton wall and as I learnt you certainly don’t need to try to hard, but seriously why is no one doing the basics?

This poor girl has just come home from 7/8 months in hospital then tried to instantly continue life but that was always going to be extremely difficult, but why has no one been there for her when she needed them or offer the simple stuff.

I am rambling but it drives me nuts. I am on nights tonight and have been awake today at home I went for a run yet other then not a lot, how I would have loved to been able to spend some time with her, how much I thought I wanted to drive to see her.

I recently got asked by a lass at work about her, apparently im so enthusiastic about describing how amazing she has done etc, to the point she thought she had began talking to me again and said iv done amazing to stick it out for her…. yet she hadn’t a clue. I have not stuck it out for her I still love her to bits but that’s just me it means nothing as she still can bare me but it doesn’t stop me being proud of her.

 

I just wish all the people who are not in my shoes, who she cares about who have the opportunity with her, realise how special she is support her and for god sake stop taking her for granted.

Proud of my past

This is a kinda reply to someone’s blog…no prizes for guessing who lol

I wanted to blog about a feeling I go last night, again. It’s the feeling of regret, disappointment…the feeling of loss. My friend told me big secret about him starting a family, so pleased for him but quicker then gratitude my heart sank.
His getting married which that feeling makes my heart sink too…why you ask?
That’s because I thought I would have been engaged right now, I should be moving out this year and I want to be a Dad but their is literally only one person I want to and have her thought about experiencing it with that’s my beautiful ex, but because of an illness I don’t think il ever see her again 😦

Today she blogged her regret, this is my response… you don’t need to have regret, life throws challenges at us, as a couple we were jinxed as we received more challenges early on then people experience in a life time. This challenge though it got to you, it changed you with out you realising, mental health is serious and Uncontrollable. Through out all of this situation I remained hopeful to Aimee in the sense that anorexia had made this girl I didn’t recognise but remained strong at Aimee, people hated me, my family didn’t understand me but they didn’t know Aimee like I did, in the time we were together we instantly clicked and got each other and understood so much about the other. So I knew that this wasn’t my Aimee this was her illness I maybe would have appreciated other people’s understanding but no one gets it accept Jamie and Aimee. To see your steps forward still make me the proudest man on this planet I smile when you smile and cry when you cry. It pains me that your in pain and joys me with your success.
I don’t expect you will ever let me back into your life, but it will never stop me being proud of you and happy to have meet my soulmate and been in love with you.

I am 31 and want to settle down, I wanna get married and start a family, it’s a shame I don’t think anymore it’s gonna be with my best friend and soulmate.

But I want her and the whole wide world to know, I am so proud of her and she owes me zero apologies.

I have learnt so much and changed so much it’s just a shame we can’t share it together to be even better.

Life is a strange old thing!

Crazy

This is going to make me sound crazy but I honestly not.

I can’t stop obsessing about my ex, I hope recognising this is a good start, but I don’t know how to fix it.

We split in June, as she was and still suffering from a mental illness this made her argue with me and she finished it because of this.

I feel like I spend my whole day thinking about her. My thoughts go from blaming myself for her ill, regretting the breakup to worrying I won’t ever meet someone else, to wondering if she’s meet anyone else to replaying moments in the relationship. I am blocked from every social media related to her but I still find myself finding ways to look.

We were together on an off for a year, the last part was our longest and most successful yet most challenging to with her illness. I was just about ready to commit my life to this girl.This is what makes it feel worse is as a couple we were on the up on the high and it ended out of anyone’s control.

The only time I get a break from it all is when I’m asleep if I sleep and when I’m really busy at work but even then I’m not completely focused, But weekend and evenings are 10 times harder.
I’m not really upset or sad, as Iv kinda accepted it but the obsessing is driving me insane. I feel out of control and it’s damaging my self esteem comparing myself to other guys on social media who are now more important then me.

I was driving through a local town the other day close to hers and I caught a glimpse of a car that was similar to hers,
Now I have no idea if it was her driving or if it was even her car at all, but now my mind in making up all kinds of scenarios like her off to visit a new boyfriend, wondering what she is doing or where she is going, yet I don’t even know it was her.

I know on the outside I have a good job, I positive future yet why am I obsessed with my past, I wouldn’t say I have nothing going for me to stop me meeting someone new. I know this is irrational and insane behaviour and I want to stop it, I’m just not sure how.

Funny sibling

So my delightful brother has been msging my friend online, a dating site and not thinking she would tell me.
How ever she has, she also told me not to go mad but sent me screen shots of the conversation…she explained not to go mad.
So she explained a conversation we had had about my ex, an he went on about how we were bad because we were cocky together and would take the mick etc etc.
To be honest this made me laugh and smile not go mad, together we were confident we weren’t horrible we were honest we did banter like no one would lol but we got each other so much, this really has made me smile.
She would stick up for me and not feel sorry for him like he wants.

Starting to learn not to trust anyone even family are plotting behind ya back, think that’s annoyed me more then him being horrible or should I say jealous of what we had is just petty!!

 

It’s been a funny few days I’m missing her lots, but it’s cool. I’m pleased she’s home wish I could be of some support but none the less it’s all good 🙂

Just wanted share a smile from a memory