So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.
She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.
She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.
I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am.
I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.
I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???
Okay so playing a little catch here…
I have many fears in life but a few of the main ones are death, now death scares me which is odd as Iv thought about suicide before but death and closing my eyes and ever opening them again never thinking anything again or never talking again never moving just black just nothing it scares me yeah, I don’t want to die with out enjoying life and have experiences to which I’m currently doing neither, I’m scarred il never experience true happiness for longer then small periods in my life.
I have a fear of being like my Dad, growing up my dad help contribute to a terrible up bringing making me the car crash of a person I am today, I never wanna turn out like him and I strive never to treat anyone the way he did to me.
Now last one is a touch strange, how ever I have a fear of heights lol yes I wanna be a pilot but I’m scared of heights I’m fine in an aircraft….just thought I would share that as it makes people laugh.
So bang, my tiny moment of happiness has again smashed me in the face.Someone who is used by others and appreciates you when there not there runs straight to them when they click there fingers.
You try hard to do everything right…yet it’s them that says love is creeping inn, it’s freaks me and makes me confused, thought she hates me, it plays of my mind then I realise that the person who plays them a fool, has got there attention and the amazing best friend social media knows all about can’t always be bothered so makes excuses yet still is best thing since sliced bread.
So it’s back to reality, 4 forward 9 back.
When will I stop being happy being second best or 3rd/4th 😦 when will I realise I mean nothing to anyone