Thanks and broken silence 

So it’s time to break my silence.First of all thank you to people and even the email from WordPress concerned about a previous blog I wrote, I am fine.
I decided to take time, spend sometime with myself. Which ultimately has proved to be vital 🙂
The last time I blogged things turned bad pressure from life and work and people had done it, finally got pushed to the edge I was adamant I was killing myself I didn’t want to spend another day blaming myself for someone else I spent a while hearing their words.
I was taught a trick though of an elastic band every time you thought something you shouldn’t ping the band….my arm was red for a while lol 
How ever with support from real honest people, things have changed I no longer blame myself, i am gonna hold my hand up and admit I made mistakes a while ago, but I had changed then when I supported her I was a good person beyond good in fact, I did things no one should ever have too do and took stuff I didn’t deserve…however admittedly my mistake was when she didn’t need me anymore I got confused and mixed with love and worry for her health tried too hard to talk…now if that’s my biggest mistake I hold my head high. I shouldn’t 

 be amongst the ones who should feel guilty. 
But you know what this now is my new life, things have changed around a lot in 2 weeks, I miss this girl every single day but stuff makes me realise she is just out to hurt me the guy who stopped his life to help them, I received a smashed laptop this week I gave that to her to give her something to watch tv on in hospital and blog with etc, I read her blogs and it’s just how others help her like no else has and how she wants a new life meaning I meant nothing, she’s seriously out to hurt me.
And stupidly I still love her and think about her all the time but I’m no longer a door matt I’m pleased she’s recovering I really am I have so much pride but I realise she doesn’t think about me she didn’t love me…why beat myself up. 
Well I’m not anymore 😊 life’s changing, time to change with it. 
Iv learnt everyone has a choice in life nobody’s decisions are made by anything else but them self, don’t kid your self and don’t be so weak that people walk over you. Stay strong.
But I’m me again, I let myself smile now 😄 I force myself to eat correctly, I am training like mad for my half marathon, I am doing amazing at work apparently, I’m back to studying my back side off and am ready for my first set of exams again to continue my dreams, but most of all people are mentioning I am my old self cheeky and talkative that to me is the biggest well done I ever need 😊😬
I don’t hate my old life, I certainly miss someone I thought was gonna be in it for ever…but this is her choice and I’m making the most of what I have left.
And if you read this…I don’t hate you!! An will always remain here for you, keep going because you have done an amazing job, I’m so proud to read your getting to a place I dreamed of the day you cried an apologised for being ill. 
Life is to short to be angry, depressed or hold grudges….I hold zero 😬

Me

As a child, we should be loved and enjoy life like an adventure and should look forward to everyday to experience something new and gain more experience to help us in life.There was a part of my life now Which contains no memory’s at all nothing I remember well, apart from school I was lucky I was fairly popular and made lots of friends which made school life fine.

Home life was different, every morning you would not know what was next. You would awaken but wait, if I got up to toilet and it wasn’t the right time or made to much noise that would be it, I would sit in my cupboard of a room (I wasn’t allowed the full room so I had a single chair bed in a cupboard because he wanted an office) I lived my life in the cupboard, I did have a nice view tho.

When he was up and out of bed I would wait, wait for a sign that I could get up I was to scarred to leave my room on getting up, if he was on a bad mood I’d need an excuse to go to my room. He once was in such a bad mood he would just remove his slipper and hit me around the face and back as hard as he could the rubber sole became a print on my body while laying on the floor and be hit an hit an hit I would cry and just take it, wondered if acting dead would make him stop anything eventually he would stop as say go to your room. I would go to my room and could sit or lay anywhere from pain and burns even tears on my face hurt. The door would be closed and every single footstep would be an alarm please don’t come in and he would come in my room and say why are you crying you stop or il give you something to cry about. This was regular every few hours this could happen, if it wasn’t a shoe it would be a tv remote, a rolled up paper or book, it was also my crutches when I broke my leg and even had a glass hit off my head.

The point I’m making is I spent my life worried I’d upset someone living in fear and that all I wanted was to be special to someone.

I had been treated bad off ex’s before until last year I meet a girl who….made an effort for me, it began odd she wasn’t sure then did somit stupid but I forgave then we had time apart, then we ended back together when she got ill. But this was different I this time felt safe she helped move away from him in my life it changed so much for me, she battled my corner with everyone she loved being with my and was greatful for me and all I did for her, she turned to me in moments of darkness I began to feel that I had a purpose in life and it was to help someone I loved she trusted me to help her an I did I did everything maybe to much but I was repaying someone for being the first human in my life who I loved who actually made me no1 and made me feel safe.

My worry for her when she was sick was through the roof I loved this girl to the moon and back I’d actually die for her she meant that much. 

But it was to much for her she thought I was controlling I wasn’t I was just scarred for her I couldn’t lose something I dreamed of all my life by her dying.

I was jealous of a couple people who meant more to her then me all a sudden I didn’t feel needed, she didn’t trust me to do anything grown up she needed her brother to do it. Lots people treat me like an absolute idiot I am clumsy I guess.

I lost her because I was controlling 😢

Today I just think about that feeling she gave me it’s like the boy who hid in the cupboard had a girl who came and got me she took me away from the house helped me smile and enjoy my life she was the first person who genuinely cared for me made me feel special.

I don’t have anyone in this world and didn’t need anyone she was more then enough.
But now she no longer needs me she is getting on starting a new life beginning again, all she wants and needs are her brother and sister now.
I feel like the guy back in cupboard, there’s no one out side the room to worry about but I can’t get out the cupboard, I look at the window and see her out side struggling but making it down the road and all I have of her now is memory’s and pictures, that picture when I close my eyes her I close my eyes every night and think and dream of this angel.
I never missed my life so much, this time was real to me, I wanted to make her my wife I was so proud to call her my partner. I just explain why I feel like this or what I even feel. But I hate myself so much everyday I blame all of this on me.

I just wanted to explain why I worried so much and why I love her so much I’m not a bad person.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I’m just finishing the end of my 84 hour week I barely know my own name l Happy weekend people 🙂
I wanna thank everyone for all the likes and follows it makes sense a difference 🙂 

The fight

So my brain is fighting with its self.peoples advice is all different my heart my head are not sure. It’s confusing.I freaked the other day, been blocked for so long I got used to the odd msg helping me knowing it wouldn’t send…but Monday it delivered, I dropped my phone on the floor and panicked like mad.

But why? I’d dreamed of hearing from her and what not but right now I jump every time my phone lights up incase it’s her I’d be to scarred to read a text from her yet it’s all I want at the same time.

I’m scarred it will be horrible she has so much hate towards me it’s unreal, I don’t wanna be shouted at.

My councillor suggested I try talking with her, I said she hates me…but she like everyone else says she doesn’t she’s just not well which I understand but I just feel she does hate me and blame me.

I read her blog about how she’s getting on and it’s amazing she’s getting better but heart breaking to hear her brains trying to fight with her over the ilness.

I read earlier how she wants a new life and a future….an it really hit home, I miss her so much I thought my new life was gonna be with this beautiful girl my future would be with this future girl.

My head hurts it so lost, people are telling me such conflicting stuff and I feel I’m. Being realistic but yet I know I’m so hard on myself….I wanna marry her still cause I do I can’t imagine my future with anyone else and all that happened is completely understandable…..but I’m to scarred to communicate with her but like wise would love too.

Iv zero idea.

This 7 weeks has been a huge rollercoaster Iv learnt loads about myself etc etc not all good but ya need bad to create good, but my feelings for this girl are just ridiculous I also found out how much I did love her….this illness has put a massive scare on her but also has ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Mental health is the worst situation as a couple you could deal with!!
Life is never simple is it!!!
Happy hump day people 🙂   

Greatful for her

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 

I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  
We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.
With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.
There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.

An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.

I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.

I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 

Through out her ilness she has stayed strong and battled away, she’s cried, she’s been ill she’s smiled and laughed she’s in a strange hospital with strange people eatting food and trying to battle her inner strength and her bravery brings a tear to my eye Iv never been proud of anyone as much as I am of her even now, I don’t know how she’s doing but I’m positive she will be smashing it.

I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

Greatful

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.
On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 
I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  

We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.

With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.

There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.
An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.
I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.
I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 
I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

It’s getting worse

What the hell happened to me yesterday, Iv been fine….until yesterday.
I came home in a complete state, like Iv never felt before I’m so lost it’s unbelievable still I can’t stop this feeling I have tried everything possible to man. But last night hit a low I made my mum cry she hates seeing me like this she offered my her room if it would help or to move to my Nans of even ask my dad and she hates that I hate being at her house. She got upset because I didn’t eat my dinner again and that I sat in the chair and just cried and cried mixture of emotions and pain I keep getting pain in my stomach and sides. I can’t remember seeing my mum cry before 😦 makes me realise I’m not fine to have that impact on someone.

Then to top it off I’m at work today in pain and my only friend calls me, and she begins to cry on the phone to me as “she wants me back” she wants to help me but doesn’t know how, she says she can’t bare listening to me or seeing me upset. I can’t believe I’m now affecting others.

Iv come into work first time I don’t wanna be here at all, I passed my probation and they want me to be a supervisor too….but I can’t do it, my hearts not into anything I can’t do it. I need go doctors but I’m also thinking of asking for some help in my mood, but doing this will finish my dream my career I always wanted, I worked hard for years moved away and everything all for this one job and I’m gonna have throw it all away because I’m a mess.
Why???? Why am I?
I lost my partner due to her illness she didn’t want me, is that a reason to complete destroy my life? 
I dream practically every other day the words “your killing her” I can’t get that out my head I can’t stop blaming myself, I can’t stop it every single second I think about it. I never wanna hurt someone, Iv never loved anyone so much In my life…but what do I want right now to help? Like what would I dream of??
To see her???? No, I don’t think I could face it, that’s how much I can’t cope. 

Do I wanna get back with her??? No, right now i couldn’t. Do I wanna talk to her??? I’m not even sure.

So what do I want???? It’s not the girlfriend side of stuff I miss as much as my abso best friend…I didn’t realise how much of my best friend she was. 
This whole situation is out of control, what happened? Why did this happen? The life of sitting in the sunshine smiling and laughing with a drink…seems like a dream doesn’t feel like it ever happened, this is just a massive nightmare I can’t wake up from, I just wish there was anyone who make me listen. 

My life is a soap opera.

So where I’m at right now. Big steps have been made this week.
My life could be the best TV soap known to man, I grew up getting beaten and unwanted, I move away for 10 years Iv had multiple relationship breakdowns, the last being the hardest my ex got sick so sick she ended up in hospital after months of helping she had enough of me and now her family hate me coz of it too. I have been getting help to help me get trough my violent childhood. Today I hit a few blocks more ignoring more blocking more having my support thrown at me, more ignoring from my dad till the point Iv found out his gonna be to busy to talk again soon as his girlfriend who is younger then me is having a baby girl…and it’s my dads…wtf.
It should be me having a family not him, honestly right now I’m just laughing as this would normally push me over the edge, life is funny it really is, I feel like people get a kick out of misery but Iv made steps I won’t let these things bother me. Iv discovered something about people this week I never realised about humans in general and it’s made me very intrigued.
But you no what I’m gonna smile again soon, I made myself ill through stress, unhappiness through anxiety through depression…and why? Because I thought I should punish myself, never listen to others follow your own head I let others think I should punish myself…. not any longer, I’m not guilty, Iv done nothing wrong.
I sent some advice today, sometimes were to busy looking at the end product to miss the steps we are taking now…all a sudden this after an interesting evening Iv discovered I have made strides not just steps, I don’t need anything. I just need to enjoy myself live life and go with the flow it used to be my saying…time to get back to it. I can’t change yesterday, I don’t care about tomorrow…but il embrace today 🙂

Don’t be taken for granted, you learn so much more when you step back and take stuff in.

Life isn’t shit, life has hurdles some are massive but there just hurdles, clip the hurdles but don’t lie back or people will step over you or on you. Get up and keep running you won’t hit every hurdle if your positive you will make it further.

Don’t give up people 🙂