So life has twisted and turned more times then……then a bottle top ( that took some time) haha
I have broke down in tears more times then I can remember, I haven’t eatten a full meal since last Thursday (very angry at this) Iv done nothing but sit in my room both here an Newcastle.
My realtiionship with my very sick (poorly) girlfriend ended, I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my future all over night. I had even found the ring. I had told my mhm about it. But my partner was so ill she was slowly killing her self and just didn’t want anything to do with me, I just stopped life…. I popped 48 pills last week and tipped into my disarno and coke. I can’t stop txing her I hate myself for it I get I can’t leave her alone I can’t stop thinking about her, why? Why can’t I stop being a fool. I hate myself every time I do it, Iv started to hate myself. I tried slitting my wrist with some glass last week. To top it off I broke down to one of my “crew” today told him how much I missed her and how I hated my reaction he told me I’m brave I’m doing better then he would….he then died in an accident this afternoon. I can’t explain how that’s made me feel, I feel awful. Iv tried turning to her I hurt in anger in confusion…again she said nothing and it makes me so disappointed in me.
I still love her to the moon and back, so why am I being such an idiot about it? The girls poorly for god sake?
I just can’t stop wracking my brains for what I did wrong and I guess il never stop what’s wrong with me? I just wanna be happy 😦
So it’s been a rollacoaster ride this week.
I have discovered a few things but they main thing being my inner strength, I actually do have control of my life which is fantastic.
Some scenarios were put infront of me which I would have crumbled but instantly turned to fix instead of delaying. Already feeling the benifits.
I’m in a weird situion and unfortunately for reasons I can’t explain, it’s weird. My life has taken a hugh U turn and everybody seems to be telling me I don’t need to worry and this that and the other but I feel it this time this is new this is different.
Iv come back home tonight and I don’t wanna talk with anyone I’m not annoyed I just don’t wanna talk, I just wanna pack my stuff and leave…. is that brave or is that silly? I have my notice written and ready…I thought about it before but never so seriously….is this right? Is this time? Is this silly? Should I be patient? I have millions of that going around my head.
I cried today…..no just a tear or two, full on gut wrenching tears no one was in so screamed it as I cried (I scarred the dog) I kinda scarred myself I’d been so calm cool and collective till earlier, I was feeling the pain the my chest soar my head hurting and uncontrollable tears…I was hurting and unfortunately had no one to support me this time, no one to cuddle me no one to tell all was okay…think these tears had been building up… but I must admit I didn’t like it at all.
When do you stop following your heart? When do you follow your head? What about when the two say the same as everyone but you?
But I’m in control, I’m in control of me…I doing the right stuff, so why? And why am I neglecting me too??? A lay down last night in bed at 0200 I don’t sleep, an I felt content I had said good bye to my house mate and something I was watching….I woundered if I had said goodbye to everyone and maybe felt this was my time? I didn’t ever wanna argue again with people, I didn’t really care about anything I just….done, happy Iv done what ever. But I’m not suicdale like I say I’m fine, for once belive it or not!!!
I can’t explain anything….it’s all mashed up
So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.
She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.
Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you.
If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.
….so Iv decided I can no longer struggle because my girlfriend is struggling. I need to respect her feelings and thoughts.
I want to marry this young lady and I hold my promise. But the day I do I will read vows that say I will protect honour and obey her what’s the point if I can’t do that now.
This is a tough time for me for everyone and mainly for her…it’s time I shower her I love her.
I had a light bulb moment once and changed my life …. so Iv switched it again
So I can’t sleep. Iv been wake since 7am yesterday. I’m stressed out.
I’m in bed and I can’t stop crying, I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to think I just wanna cry and scream, I need a cuddle from the one I can’t.
I feel like such a failure I can’t explain to anyone the pain I’m in…I’m lost I have no where to turn no one to turn to no one who understands no one who cares Iv tried help from everyone in last 24 hours, I even tried my dad who I hate …I just don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m just laying here a complete wreck and no body seems to care.
I hate myself so much right now I hate me I hate I hate me, why am I such a failure why do I mess everything up why? I’m such an idiot?
I’m sorry I don’t make much sense but I’m going crazy I need to blog. Please don’t take any of this wrong way anyone…I need to vent and don’t have anyone to vent too
What happened to my perfect life 😢
So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.
She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.
She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.
I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am.
I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.
I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???
So today was day one fresh clean confident feeling. My day started off great motivated new me this will happen, my friend who won’t talk to me is on my mind as ever so, I text politely say good morning and wish her a great day. Was nice enough but again she ignores me.
How ever I try to be positive, I work hard and look at some good quotes and read some stuff about possible changes, all positive…. then lunch time comes and like clock work is here from my best friend but she’s not talking to me so I attempt to talk to her again I get nothing accept a one word answer, right now my moods changed I’m in the dip, but I’m hanging on and trying…she ignores me still.
So this afternoon I receive a call from the counciling people to say they have discharged me and that I need more help, this scares me….how have I got this bad.
My mind starts to worry now, now I really need my friend but she’s not interested so I stand out in the cold to catch my breath and hopefully not cry at work.
Then the new unit call me, they say I have to go to hospital on Friday, that I should be prepared I may not be allowed home and if possible I should bring some support with me… how ever again my only support won’t talk with me.
I got told that day 1 has been a success it’s brave to battle this and seek help, it’s scary to think what may happen but stupidly brace to do it completely alone, didn’t realise I just thought I was a failure to be in this situation.
But I’m doing this because I’m hurting the few who do care, just wish people would see how scarred I am….. and how alone I am, I need someone to tell me everything will be okay, but I guess they just don’t care.
But still day2 tomorrow 😥