The story 

So I have blogged quite a bit in the last month I have tried and tried to explain everything and to be honest I still don’t feel like Iv got out what I wanna say, this could be because I don’t know what I want to say.
(Quick brief my girlfriend was diagnosed as anorexic and was dying she wanted to die and was moved to now two hospitals and has been in care for nearly 3 months)
I began by being confused why my beautiful princess had got this illness, how she was knocking on deaths door and why I couldn’t help her.

Then she finished with me and I didn’t understand why I thought she loved me and at the same time she was dying…my mind was all over the place.

I became angry and believed that someone had used me and my family I was really annoyed I felt I’d been walked over.

Then I got blamed for killing her, I turned suicidal I tried to finish my life in guilt, I stopped eating to punish myself, it got out of hand.

I messaged her all the time with utter confusion, heart break and anger some messages weren’t great and I began to hate myself so much, life was dark things were tough I set out to destroy my life as I felt guilty. 

We did have a few arguments which began when she went into hospital, every single one was revolved around food or hospital or food or food, I would take a lot of her moods but I did it because I loved her and believed the real her didn’t mean any of this towards me.

My efforts were seen as controlling but couldn’t be further from the truth I worried naturally I worried my beautiful girl was trying to die every single day surely that’s enough to be on edge and constantly worry. 

I did get jealous of her family who finally helped but began pushing me out I know longer mattered my views didn’t matter and I was no longer needed to which now they got that…I don’t blame them it’s a blood relative I was just the boyfriend but all a sudden I didn’t matter to anyone
I’m gutted with my reaction the confusion, heart break and so much more.

I didn’t know what to say to her I didn’t want to believe it, I never thought this girl would lie when she told me she loved me, it had to be the illness.

I shouldn’t have said I felt used but…it wasn’t a lie even now even today I feel used but I’m accepting of it and also accept it doesn’t actually mean that’s correct.  
But turns out there’s wasn’t any need for me to be so dam hard on myself I had a right to be upset I did deserve to be annoyed and maybe I didn’t deserve to be treat that way…my reaction still wasn’t great though.
I am though Proud that I actually meant I loved her, I’m proud that regardless of what reaction I stayed true to the words I told her. People throw love around like it’s a everyday word but to say it and mean every single letter from the bottom of your heart means Iv been true to myself and true to her.

I was blamed for slowing her recovery, by her, her family and apparently staff…how ever instead of beating myself up about it I know now that I was used as an easy excuse and she believed them not me unfortunately.

We have so many memories her brothers wedding being one the best memories of my life I couldn’t have experienced anything more amazing with anyone else and her family included it was incredible but the biggest memory for me was the night she spent in hospital she was so ill I couldn’t even look her body how skinny she was, I went to the car to top up the car park and remember crying I called my friend and said she’s dying she’s going to die if she doesn’t stop this. She held my hand for hours she cried her self to sleep I remember she didn’t think anyone cared she was so scared and watching someone you love so much in that state was beyond awful.

What really hit me was the support for me, no body appreciated what I had done previous it was all about now all a sudden they just hated me it was all my fault and that she needed rid of me, not the fact that she had fallen in love with this guy he made her smile and happy and even helped save her life, washed away her tears. She has a mental illness clothes selecting was impossible let alone this kinda stuff.

I do think about her every single day. She is my first and last thought of every single day. I feel like I sing to her to and from work I know the healthy girl in her misses “us”

I sometimes get seriously hard days where it’s a struggle all I want is someone who cares and mainly just her I want her to just make me smile, give me a cuddle and just squeeze my hand as she tells me she loves me. I have text her phone knowing she won’t read it just to say I love you, is that weird or sad lol

I read her blogs about her life and struggle and it makes me sad and happy. I’m sad this beautiful girl has such a struggle it’s sad I can’t just cuddle her or tell her everything will be okay, once upon I used to do this.

But it makes me so happy to see her reaching out and helping others explaining the pain the trauma she is dealing with, it makes me so proud I could burst I even smile and I may have no more right to be proud but I am so so proud like I have never been of anything or anyone before in my life.

This situation came at an awful time, I had planned in my head to marry this girl I had found a ring I liked, I had planned when I would do it and roughly how I would do it, I had thought about asking two people massive in her life’s permission, this was the first time in my life I was ready to step up to mark and grab what I wanted and make sure I never lost my one true love. It would have been an amazing fireworks 😉 
I’m never gonna change her mind

She has made her mind up though with help from others and she no longer wants anything to do with me in fact she hates me and blames me, part me wants to think that’s the illness and others talking but…not sure my confidence agrees.
But I’m ashamed to admit to this amazing gentle, beautiful girl that I adore her and can’t stop loving her.
I seen a picture of her today and Iv Mixed emotions, I miss seeing her face and perfect smile, her gentle voice when she picked on me and her soft skin my hands missing touching…she is the most beautifully stunning girl I have ever seen.
I dream that she will talk to me again, I dream she will be true to her self I know our love wasn’t a lie.
But regardless I did live my dream for a while just a shame anorexia ruined it.
Sorry for the long story lol happy blogging 🙂  

What I miss 

So love…
To love someone is not to have a Facebook status or a trophy on your arm. The love I know is smiles, smiles so big your cheeks hurt, the excitement for the next min, hour, day to be able to spend more time with your loved one, the endless amount of plans you make for the remainder of life, the tears of laughter the comfort of there body… so much I can’t even begin to describe it all. 

My partner got ill very ill and she couldn’t deal with anyone or a relationship and Iv struggled so bad, I lay at home I miss her laugh I miss her cuddles I miss her smell, I miss her strange noises in her sleep the waking up next to her an just smiling because your loved one is in your arms or next to you. I miss her stuff all over the place her clothes everywhere, her bugging me coz she never sleeps I miss every single thing about her but I miss her being my best friend laughing at each other picking on one an other, singing to each other in the car me telling her she sounds like a football fan, I miss singing kids program theme tunes, us baking cakes me pretending I’m good but being awful, is exploring sea sides country walks, us talking about life the world, us crashing the trolley in the supermarket, or spending loss of money on coffee… but most off all I miss her love I miss my girlfriend my soulmate my partner in crime and my best friend….I miss you batman 😦 

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.