London thinking 

Lots to think about choices to make where better to think then London, currently attempting to be a tourist on my own. Very bizarre feeling but comfort zones need pushing. Embankment is a crazy place lol
I have people in my head people go don’t listen to me people who wanna be in my life people I can’t have in my life and people who read situations wrongly.
There’s so much but also so little at the same time. I’m scarred bumping into her while here too petrified.
Iv been bullied, beaten and all sorts yet never has anyone hated me so much, it’s a feeling I abso hate and really don’t understand what makes it worse is it’s by someone I truely loved.
My weeks seem to get worse not better 😦 

A day with anxiety 

Waking up everyday more tired then when you go to bed. Sleepless nights looking through your phone looking at other lives and see how people are married, engaged and have kids and houses, everyone else is happy happy Happy.I get up and stare into space and forget basic life skills making a drink with out spilling it or collecting lunch for work I forget because my brain is thinking and thinking about anything and everything it’s obsessed with thinking.

People ignore you, someone doesn’t text you back or you’ve a reminder your single and you think why why what did I do what did I say why me, your brain goes round and round and round.

You imagine your ex is happy out and about your fiends are making plans with out you your family are avoiding you.

You begin to lose interest in everything work becomes a chore, eatting is a chore life it’s self is a chore your to tired.

Your brain is constantly thinking how to improve you keep telling your self why this is happening why that happened how you can fix it, who can help you fix.

You try and date as that’s the answer not releasing it makes it worse, you can smile and it’s gone you can get compliments and your fixed…..then ya alone and your brains back your back in this world your the failure again social media is happy happy happy, you add Instagram and Facebook pics to see likes to feel some love we blog random stuff to see if people care, we tx people to see if they care.

One person cares and we jump on there caring side we love them we adore them but how long will it last do we really?

We lose weight with stress and lack of food, we loose friends with negative behaviour we lose our jobs maybe our loved ones we lose everything apart from the thoughts the thoughts never stop.

Then you do get a few hours sleep before starting all over again tomorrow.

This ladies and gentleman boys and girls is what I go through every single day, to the outside world this is crazy and extreme but I reality to me and many others this is life and this anxiety.

Lying in bed very poorly, but watched a video that inspired me to describe what it’s like every day for me and many others.
Enjoy your weekend everyone 😄

A recent memory 😄😄😄

So this blog has taken two days to type lol
I stupidly wore my contacts the other day and have had a 24 hour migraine 🙈
So I have had to relive a place I experienced with her and also go to a new place….where she is! I don’t work job number 2 often but to get both places in one day was kinda freaky.
But it was a day of joking around as per with Derek, he wanted to listen to magic….this is where I experienced something different.
A song came on the radio just a song that’s all, “sweet Caroline” theses words…”hands, touching hands, reaching out, touching me,touching you” now it’s ironic that this happened while driving into Norwich probably the last time I heard this song, me an her used to sing this to each other and do the actions….normally I would have freaked and switched it off…how ever sang at the top of my voice and smiled, I thought what an amazing laugh we used to have, even now writing it makes me smile.

Don’t get me wrong it’s disappointing I don’t think I will ever experience that connection again, how ever I’m so lucky to have anyway.

This is a memory that makes me smile, I ignore everything else that’s what it was all about.
But it proves memories don’t need to be painful memories they can be good and is why we as humans interact with people and fall in love.
So shattered ATM sorry if my blogs are poorly written and make little sense, to many late nights and work 🙈 but I just wanted to show that I now smile at some of our memories not get upset anymore 😄
I am nervous to blog to a new follower I’m worried it’s just to get me in trouble 🙈 but I hope not, I wanna say I read your blog and have 😄 with progress you are making, I dreamed of this stage in your progress but not with us like this 🙈…. don’t look at the bad, but look back on your life before remember the good times you had and experienced and think you can do that again, you won’t be lonely your to amazing to be, people flock to you as they are attracted to the person you are!!! You will make more incredible memories in your new life!

Anyway people, stay safe enjoy your Thursday and keep blogging don’t be ashamed to say what ever you think.

My heart break 

My heart was broken, my brain was removed, my body was motionless and life had stopped.This was me, I became a mess instantly as time moved on I didn’t, I stopped and the pain the destruction it got worse.

This was a very different scenario though, there was a very server illness involved an illness which killed 6% of its suffers and a mental illness affecting her brain her thoughts changing her identity both visually and mentally.

I then became guilty, I blamed myself. This caused pain, I hated me I hurt myself punished my body and tried to commit suicide I crushed some pills and poured a drink…I couldn’t live a life carrying the guilt, I didn’t wanna live with out my dream girl I felt as though she had died.

It didn’t getter it got worse, my life infected by my brain and it hit rock bottom.

I don’t obsess over one girl, I told this girl I loved her and I have never told anyone like I did her, I dreamt about my life and everything I dreamt of had her in it every life step had this person in it, I have never thought about my future so much. Everything was fine till she got sick we battled hell and earth to be a couple to make anniversary 1 was the biggest roller coaster of my life ( I’m not a big fan of them) there was tears and tears and break ups and arguments and mistakes and police and shouting….but when she kissed me goodbye in hospital 1 she cried her eyes out, she apologised to me for being ill this melted my heart but I knew then that this was not just any girl she literally was the girl I wanted to call my wife to spend the rest of my life with. 

Then I witness visually and over the phone changes, she was a mess she lost her brain, she was suicidal saying silly things and doing silly things she cut her self and wrote on herself it would make me nearly sick and I cried to sleep worried about this girl I never ever ever loved anything or anyone like her I would have literally died for her I wanted this to stop, I watch her turn into a tv character this couldn’t be real the things she would do and say wasn’t her at all, she got worse not better and she began to take it out on me, she didn’t mean it but the illness was making her, but I could see this. 

I was talking to someone at work and he was explaining about his wife, how she puts up with him and his work and have been together 35years…he said I wish everyone found someone like his wife someone he thinks about everyday and would do anything for, he explained that for 35 years you have to work you have to overcome stuff, learn to adjust and just not give up, it’s the hardest but best thing he said he ever did, he thinks online dating and the fact people think they can do better it’s easy to throw it away…his very right.

I have that feeling and it will never go away, but what makes this all so much harder is that she got so ill, she let the illness end us like I meant nothing, I was confused I thought she loved me. She easily stopped talking to me where as I dream of anything from her every single second, my best memories are with her I couldn’t imagine my life with out her, where as she instantly happily just cut me out the picture and threw me in the bin…I was distraught…it took me months to stand back and be told, what did I experience with her??? She changed she lost her mind, what is anorexia? It’s a mental illness…..that all my questions answered, it’s sad to lose all that to an illness.

But it’s turned to hate she detests me and my family, she won’t ever talk to any of us again, my mum is devastated to my mum adored her, her family hate me and blame me now too.

But I respect her wishes I can’t change her mind I’m not a physco, but i can’t help that she turned into girl of my dreams, I read her progress and smile I wanna share with the world then I realise i can’t, I wanna tx her and say well done princess but I can’t I wanna go visit her and cuddle her when I hear she’s sad but I can’t I wanna send a gift of my love so she knows people care but I can’t….instead I break my heart, I read she wants a new life, I read no one cares I read everyone drops her…I sometimes think she treats me the way people treat her.

But she hates me she would blink if I was hit by a bus, I feel all sorts just this isn’t my princess at all, it’s sad that my whole life plan is dead due to anorexia.

But I’m still here supporting her, worried by every bad blog and smiling by every positive I just wish she didn’t hate me so much I wish she didn’t see every i say a negative, I don’t blame or hate her at all I adore her…I’m not fighting for anything I just care so much about someone so special, just wish she sat and thought about it instead just hating me 😦
I have a new lease of life I have to remain focused, my career is no1 I have told by someone at work his gonna make me a pilot for my airline this was my dream as a child and I’m gutted il never be able to share with my dream girl, but new life or not I just care still….why is that so wrong!!!
All my blogs are taken as a dig…it’s not at all I’m past digs Iv had to many ups downs on this roller coaster, it’s genuine just worry and concern for a special young lady.
I needed to clear the air or at least try, I’m big enough to hold my hand up though …
And say I’m sorry!!!
Thanks to everyone again who has been concerned, I’m totally fine I promise 🙂 don’t pray for my healthy pray for hers please…for me, thank you 🙂 
Happy blogging bloggers 🙂 

Thanks and broken silence 

So it’s time to break my silence.First of all thank you to people and even the email from WordPress concerned about a previous blog I wrote, I am fine.
I decided to take time, spend sometime with myself. Which ultimately has proved to be vital 🙂
The last time I blogged things turned bad pressure from life and work and people had done it, finally got pushed to the edge I was adamant I was killing myself I didn’t want to spend another day blaming myself for someone else I spent a while hearing their words.
I was taught a trick though of an elastic band every time you thought something you shouldn’t ping the band….my arm was red for a while lol 
How ever with support from real honest people, things have changed I no longer blame myself, i am gonna hold my hand up and admit I made mistakes a while ago, but I had changed then when I supported her I was a good person beyond good in fact, I did things no one should ever have too do and took stuff I didn’t deserve…however admittedly my mistake was when she didn’t need me anymore I got confused and mixed with love and worry for her health tried too hard to talk…now if that’s my biggest mistake I hold my head high. I shouldn’t 

 be amongst the ones who should feel guilty. 
But you know what this now is my new life, things have changed around a lot in 2 weeks, I miss this girl every single day but stuff makes me realise she is just out to hurt me the guy who stopped his life to help them, I received a smashed laptop this week I gave that to her to give her something to watch tv on in hospital and blog with etc, I read her blogs and it’s just how others help her like no else has and how she wants a new life meaning I meant nothing, she’s seriously out to hurt me.
And stupidly I still love her and think about her all the time but I’m no longer a door matt I’m pleased she’s recovering I really am I have so much pride but I realise she doesn’t think about me she didn’t love me…why beat myself up. 
Well I’m not anymore 😊 life’s changing, time to change with it. 
Iv learnt everyone has a choice in life nobody’s decisions are made by anything else but them self, don’t kid your self and don’t be so weak that people walk over you. Stay strong.
But I’m me again, I let myself smile now 😄 I force myself to eat correctly, I am training like mad for my half marathon, I am doing amazing at work apparently, I’m back to studying my back side off and am ready for my first set of exams again to continue my dreams, but most of all people are mentioning I am my old self cheeky and talkative that to me is the biggest well done I ever need 😊😬
I don’t hate my old life, I certainly miss someone I thought was gonna be in it for ever…but this is her choice and I’m making the most of what I have left.
And if you read this…I don’t hate you!! An will always remain here for you, keep going because you have done an amazing job, I’m so proud to read your getting to a place I dreamed of the day you cried an apologised for being ill. 
Life is to short to be angry, depressed or hold grudges….I hold zero 😬


Her blogs are getting to me…sometimes I wanna scream, what you doing lolIv read about how she blames herself and that she said stuff she didn’t mean, that she’s horrible and all the above.

Then she’s single because 4 ex’s gave up on her because she maybe wasn’t nice or good enough.

Now I am number 4, but this isn’t the case I never went anywhere, her illness meant she couldn’t be in a relationship I hated it but it is what it is. 
How ever I can write this as I know she no longer reads anything to do with me…I love this stupid girl, she’s daft Iv never loved a human being like I do her even now she’s all I think about I’d give my right arm for anything from her. I still dream about my future and wish is was with her I want a family and I want it with her I wanna experience everything and only with her.

I can’t imagine it with anyone else.

As a girlfriend she was a headache lol but in such a good way, we would laugh all time till my head hurt, we would always be planning out next adventure or experience we had such an amazing life, we are the boy girl version of each other. (That’s an incredible thing to find),my family abso adored her they still do deep down, she was the wife material ya family want for any one.
She is perfect, away from the illness she’s her she’s who she is what she’s all about she’s such a special individual…its why it hurts so much she’s ill and this has all happened.

So much has been said and so much happened none of it relevant it’s all the past it was all related to the illness.
I wish there was a way to tell her how much I love her, I wish I knew if she loved me…..I wish a lot of things, maybe she does love me…guess this is stuff il never know.
But I hate hearing how crap of a person she thinks she is when in fact she’s the most incredible person I have ever meet and all I want in the world is her that statement alone tells you the whole world what an incredible person she is.
Anorexia has destroyed her life and my relationship but she’s still that same person we all adore…just wish she knew. 

I am confusing 

So as today is the beginning of a fresh for me I wanted to talk about  something totally random I wanna explain me,

So yesterday I was studying and holding a training course… this is my geeky knowledge.

Aircraft as we are fully aware are powered from air, air ignites with the fuel and produces power to turn to turbine. The air is produced by In takes of air Into the aircraft but the power to make the computers work onboard is powered by air.

The aircraft has its own APU which is the power for the aircraft on the ground, this produces enough air to reach one of the packs which powers the instruments. The APU is used when no engines are on to provide the air, but the APU also provides the air to start the engines which then provide the power for the aircraft. Am APU isn’t used inflight as engines produce the power it’s not needed and a waste of fuel. If an APU doesn’t work on the ground a ground power unit provides power to the aircraft, to start the engines an AIr start unit is required this produces the air which helps ignite the engines the engines then power the aircraft so the ground power unit isn’t needed the engine started then flows air to the other engine to help start it.
Now I have learnt this and am still learning…..but how can I not simply just not text a girl? I’m a thick? Nooo I’m not it’s love and I’m a daft idiot. 

I read this really good quote just now…
“People are blindly ignoreing: you can’t have a victory until you close your current battle (by accepting defeat if need be)

So I pre warn please stop following my blog if you must, but I will be blogging over the next few weeks as I begin an intensive program this week I have 12 days of hardcore change, Iv been granted leave so it’s time to get myself back this is the best way to do it. I will no longer be this evil person people keep telling me I am!!!