So it’s time to break my silence.First of all thank you to people and even the email from WordPress concerned about a previous blog I wrote, I am fine.
I decided to take time, spend sometime with myself. Which ultimately has proved to be vital 🙂
The last time I blogged things turned bad pressure from life and work and people had done it, finally got pushed to the edge I was adamant I was killing myself I didn’t want to spend another day blaming myself for someone else I spent a while hearing their words.
I was taught a trick though of an elastic band every time you thought something you shouldn’t ping the band….my arm was red for a while lol
How ever with support from real honest people, things have changed I no longer blame myself, i am gonna hold my hand up and admit I made mistakes a while ago, but I had changed then when I supported her I was a good person beyond good in fact, I did things no one should ever have too do and took stuff I didn’t deserve…however admittedly my mistake was when she didn’t need me anymore I got confused and mixed with love and worry for her health tried too hard to talk…now if that’s my biggest mistake I hold my head high. I shouldn’t
be amongst the ones who should feel guilty.
But you know what this now is my new life, things have changed around a lot in 2 weeks, I miss this girl every single day but stuff makes me realise she is just out to hurt me the guy who stopped his life to help them, I received a smashed laptop this week I gave that to her to give her something to watch tv on in hospital and blog with etc, I read her blogs and it’s just how others help her like no else has and how she wants a new life meaning I meant nothing, she’s seriously out to hurt me.
And stupidly I still love her and think about her all the time but I’m no longer a door matt I’m pleased she’s recovering I really am I have so much pride but I realise she doesn’t think about me she didn’t love me…why beat myself up.
Well I’m not anymore 😊 life’s changing, time to change with it.
Iv learnt everyone has a choice in life nobody’s decisions are made by anything else but them self, don’t kid your self and don’t be so weak that people walk over you. Stay strong.
But I’m me again, I let myself smile now 😄 I force myself to eat correctly, I am training like mad for my half marathon, I am doing amazing at work apparently, I’m back to studying my back side off and am ready for my first set of exams again to continue my dreams, but most of all people are mentioning I am my old self cheeky and talkative that to me is the biggest well done I ever need 😊😬
I don’t hate my old life, I certainly miss someone I thought was gonna be in it for ever…but this is her choice and I’m making the most of what I have left.
And if you read this…I don’t hate you!! An will always remain here for you, keep going because you have done an amazing job, I’m so proud to read your getting to a place I dreamed of the day you cried an apologised for being ill.
Life is to short to be angry, depressed or hold grudges….I hold zero 😬
Her blogs are getting to me…sometimes I wanna scream, what you doing lolIv read about how she blames herself and that she said stuff she didn’t mean, that she’s horrible and all the above.
Then she’s single because 4 ex’s gave up on her because she maybe wasn’t nice or good enough.
Now I am number 4, but this isn’t the case I never went anywhere, her illness meant she couldn’t be in a relationship I hated it but it is what it is.
How ever I can write this as I know she no longer reads anything to do with me…I love this stupid girl, she’s daft Iv never loved a human being like I do her even now she’s all I think about I’d give my right arm for anything from her. I still dream about my future and wish is was with her I want a family and I want it with her I wanna experience everything and only with her.
I can’t imagine it with anyone else.
As a girlfriend she was a headache lol but in such a good way, we would laugh all time till my head hurt, we would always be planning out next adventure or experience we had such an amazing life, we are the boy girl version of each other. (That’s an incredible thing to find),my family abso adored her they still do deep down, she was the wife material ya family want for any one.
She is perfect, away from the illness she’s her she’s who she is what she’s all about she’s such a special individual…its why it hurts so much she’s ill and this has all happened.
So much has been said and so much happened none of it relevant it’s all the past it was all related to the illness.
I wish there was a way to tell her how much I love her, I wish I knew if she loved me…..I wish a lot of things, maybe she does love me…guess this is stuff il never know.
But I hate hearing how crap of a person she thinks she is when in fact she’s the most incredible person I have ever meet and all I want in the world is her that statement alone tells you the whole world what an incredible person she is.
Anorexia has destroyed her life and my relationship but she’s still that same person we all adore…just wish she knew.
So as today is the beginning of a fresh for me I wanted to talk about something totally random I wanna explain me,
So yesterday I was studying and holding a training course… this is my geeky knowledge.
Aircraft as we are fully aware are powered from air, air ignites with the fuel and produces power to turn to turbine. The air is produced by In takes of air Into the aircraft but the power to make the computers work onboard is powered by air.
The aircraft has its own APU which is the power for the aircraft on the ground, this produces enough air to reach one of the packs which powers the instruments. The APU is used when no engines are on to provide the air, but the APU also provides the air to start the engines which then provide the power for the aircraft. Am APU isn’t used inflight as engines produce the power it’s not needed and a waste of fuel. If an APU doesn’t work on the ground a ground power unit provides power to the aircraft, to start the engines an AIr start unit is required this produces the air which helps ignite the engines the engines then power the aircraft so the ground power unit isn’t needed the engine started then flows air to the other engine to help start it.
Now I have learnt this and am still learning…..but how can I not simply just not text a girl? I’m a thick? Nooo I’m not it’s love and I’m a daft idiot.
I read this really good quote just now…
“People are blindly ignoreing: you can’t have a victory until you close your current battle (by accepting defeat if need be)
So I pre warn please stop following my blog if you must, but I will be blogging over the next few weeks as I begin an intensive program this week I have 12 days of hardcore change, Iv been granted leave so it’s time to get myself back this is the best way to do it. I will no longer be this evil person people keep telling me I am!!!
To love someone is not to have a Facebook status or a trophy on your arm. The love I know is smiles, smiles so big your cheeks hurt, the excitement for the next min, hour, day to be able to spend more time with your loved one, the endless amount of plans you make for the remainder of life, the tears of laughter the comfort of there body… so much I can’t even begin to describe it all.
My partner got ill very ill and she couldn’t deal with anyone or a relationship and Iv struggled so bad, I lay at home I miss her laugh I miss her cuddles I miss her smell, I miss her strange noises in her sleep the waking up next to her an just smiling because your loved one is in your arms or next to you. I miss her stuff all over the place her clothes everywhere, her bugging me coz she never sleeps I miss every single thing about her but I miss her being my best friend laughing at each other picking on one an other, singing to each other in the car me telling her she sounds like a football fan, I miss singing kids program theme tunes, us baking cakes me pretending I’m good but being awful, is exploring sea sides country walks, us talking about life the world, us crashing the trolley in the supermarket, or spending loss of money on coffee… but most off all I miss her love I miss my girlfriend my soulmate my partner in crime and my best friend….I miss you batman 😦
So it’s been a rollacoaster ride this week.
I have discovered a few things but they main thing being my inner strength, I actually do have control of my life which is fantastic.
Some scenarios were put infront of me which I would have crumbled but instantly turned to fix instead of delaying. Already feeling the benifits.
I’m in a weird situion and unfortunately for reasons I can’t explain, it’s weird. My life has taken a hugh U turn and everybody seems to be telling me I don’t need to worry and this that and the other but I feel it this time this is new this is different.
Iv come back home tonight and I don’t wanna talk with anyone I’m not annoyed I just don’t wanna talk, I just wanna pack my stuff and leave…. is that brave or is that silly? I have my notice written and ready…I thought about it before but never so seriously….is this right? Is this time? Is this silly? Should I be patient? I have millions of that going around my head.
I cried today…..no just a tear or two, full on gut wrenching tears no one was in so screamed it as I cried (I scarred the dog) I kinda scarred myself I’d been so calm cool and collective till earlier, I was feeling the pain the my chest soar my head hurting and uncontrollable tears…I was hurting and unfortunately had no one to support me this time, no one to cuddle me no one to tell all was okay…think these tears had been building up… but I must admit I didn’t like it at all.
When do you stop following your heart? When do you follow your head? What about when the two say the same as everyone but you?
But I’m in control, I’m in control of me…I doing the right stuff, so why? And why am I neglecting me too??? A lay down last night in bed at 0200 I don’t sleep, an I felt content I had said good bye to my house mate and something I was watching….I woundered if I had said goodbye to everyone and maybe felt this was my time? I didn’t ever wanna argue again with people, I didn’t really care about anything I just….done, happy Iv done what ever. But I’m not suicdale like I say I’m fine, for once belive it or not!!!
I can’t explain anything….it’s all mashed up
So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.
She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.
Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you.
If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.
So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.
She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.
She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.
I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am.
I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.
I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???