I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

Day2

Day 2…… started slowly, big day is getting close (not wedding) no day I go to be assessed at the Hospital, I’m petrified I can’t think of anything else, I msg my friend this morning as I promised myself I would carry on being polite to people I care about…but again she ignored me.

I continued work and was looking at stuff online to get me out of the U.K. And all sorts my brain was walking…. it got lunch time and I felt sick of worrying about tomorrow thinking about aimee, thinking back to last weekend I spent with her and the laughs at the pub and this thatbthe other let’s just say I was anxious.

I tx her and eventually she replied not a lot but she said was proud of my effort this along with one other saying the same kept me happy they don’t realise the power of them simple words.

Then as the day continued and it was stressful the closer to Friday I get the more scared I get. 

So I msg my friend she says look we go for a drink one hour only, I jump at it I don’t have anyone else….I say only if you want, she says well not really, I’m busy. My phone has poor signal so I head over I’m feeling up beat an positive for 20mins I’m not thinking of Friday….then I get there, she says she’s baking she’s busy…… I drop out that cloud and smash my face on the floor, she then said I’m in the bath go away. An tells me off because she changed her mind she never said would…. then pops in she’s out tomorrow night and can try fit me in at some point and then ignores all me again.

At this pint I’m feeling so low so low I can’t even cry am I angry or sad?

I end up apologising to her an she tells me off. I come home empty and lost my brain thinks nothing my body just moved im lost I’m so scarred and all I need is my friend who’s here yet all she wants is to arrange her next date……why do I hold no value.
I’m scarred