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I don’t hate my past as she calls me. Today was brewing into an argument and part me wanted it this conversation has been needed for exactly 4/5 months… how ever we don’t need anymore arguments. I’m not allowed to talk to her at present at her request. But she reads my blog so I was gonna delete it and start a fresh…however Iv decided something else, I’m gonna blog for me to show her…she maybe doesn’t care in my head but I know she does just it’s a little easier for her then me to hide.So I have decided I want to make some changes in my life style and I would like to blog about them every other day I want to try and experience or do something new. I’m maybe gonna cut the online dating it’s not helping tbh, I am trying to replace someone I don’t want to be replaced.
So I intend to blog my changes my challenges, I intend not to blog about the past if possible i defiantly won’t blog about the past person in a negative way. Maybe il never get to see her again, however If I love her like I say I do I will do as she says and even make myself into a better version of me, I clearly have the potential as people like me maybe it’s time I tried to like me too!
Sorry to my friends, my family, my colleges and most of all…her.
Don’t blog to moan about me, don’t judge me, don’t write me off for ever and mainly remember Iv been through the same hell just I didn’t get the support others have.
This is my challenge I want to share with you guys.

Back to square one again 

Today’s been the worst ever. I’m already feeling rubbish about State me.Today’s pushed me over the edge I’m not trying cause hassle I’m not trying to begin a row all I want is to be normal like people act!! Why this time I don’t know.

But it’s destroyed me words and killing me atm, my dinner went in the bin Iv came home and won’t eat now can’t be bothered to go for a run and now am thinking about getting razor out the draw to hurt myself.
I’m sick of this mood 😢
Why is it so hard to be civil 😢
I can’t take much more, an I can’t just vanish 😦 
I’m so unhappy again 😦 the one person who can help doesn’t wanna help me 😦 

Painting the pic

Brunette, stunning eyes, beautiful smile and the best wittiest personality I ever know.She has the heart bigger then one of my aircrafts, she cares to much what people say and what people do.

She had been treated bad by people family friends, life’s not a competition but she’s been treat like second best when in fact she is the best. She is hard working and put everything into everything. She is the greatest baker ever I never ate anything I didn’t like, she’s an amazing cook. She is the best girlfriend I ever had she was constantly thinking about me the small things she remembered the strength she showed and the support she gave.
I am so heart broken and my family so gutted because we all adored the human she is, I miss her smile every single second.
I don’t blame, I have answered questions that’s all I have a broken heart that can’t get an answer there are so many feelings but feelings and facts are not the same.
So I get out my paint brush and I tell the world that she is the most incredible human being I ever meet!!!!

The moment when

Last week I made a girl cry, I made her cry because she told me I was amazing I had made her smile and how I was one the greatest people she has ever meet…I said well I can’t be because right now there’s only one girl I can still only think about.I told her I was the guy I’m painted to be on blogs I failed and am still failing my ex girlfriend.

I made her cry, I’m about to make another cry who says she’s falling for me…but all I can think of is someone who hates me and then to top it off the one I do love I make her cry too.
I cried last night because I’m sick, I weigh 2pounds more then an anorexic I have had flu for 5 weeks now I can’t run with out being sick I don’t sleep yet I am constantly tired, last night it upset me I let someone make me feel so ill it’s affecting my everyday life, how am I ever gonna do the marathon in this state. 
But unfortunately my words were carried away my emotions were carried away.
I repeat myself over and over and over…now it’s my memories everything I do reminds me of you Aimee, I have been smiling about the memories but I now feel they were all fake the dreams were made up the everything wasn’t real, the only things that seem real is the hospital image I see the visits to A & E the holding hands at the eating clinics the mental health ward this is stuff I remember but no one else does. I read how people don’t talk to her because she tells them she’s ill, no body else in the world would have done what I did yet I am nothing not a thought not a care I’m a nothing. 
I do feel used so do my family, but I’m not allowed to explain it, my mum took her in loved her to peace’s my brother drove her about, we did everything to her yeti don’t deserve not even an adult conversation.
I have been used a blame tool in an illness I’m not responsible for, it’s easy to blame me for food and mental health when really it’s not true. I am not the evil person Iv have made out to be all this is because I cared I cared when she was in hospital when no one else did I did because I loved her I wanted to protect her not rule her yet it’s been twisted and even now I have to ignore her but I can’t why you ask… because I care still because this doesn’t make sense it’s like a movie…yet not a single person can see it from my point of view.
Now visualise this, you love someone so much you want to marry them, you think about them every single day every morning you smile to wake up next to them, you change you whole day to please them you spend all your money to see them smile and it’s not because your controlling them no it’s because you love someone, you watch them cry when there sick you want there illness you wanna take a bullet just to see them smile, you kiss them goodbye and spend a day worrying about there first day not knowing that the kiss was the last you will ever see of her again and last proper conversation. Then your hated your alone you have nothing but a tx saying they feel nothing, then the family turn on you too they blame you, your used to tell the hospital its your fault,friends turn too they agree it’s a good excuse. Before you know you’ve lost everything you try to understand you try to talk but nothing some abuse maybe that’s all, you don’t understand she loved me why now this. It’s constant you go over an over it you blame your self it must be my fault, you hurt yourself you punish yourself you read every book available as your such an awful person. The blogs continue and all your blogs on thoughts are bait to another picture a black one this evil person. You try so hard but no one sees what it’s like on this side, I’m not in hospital so its simple I should just go on dates get a new girlfriend simple…but it’s not because she wasn’t a one night bit fun, she wasn’t a trophy girl she was perfection she was perfect for me, I thought she was my future bride. I cry and I Blog about struggling and I’m told I’m wallowing!!! The feeling I get when I know strangers are more important then me the guy who dragged her to A&E all them months ago, if a new guy msgs on pof it’s more important then me, I would do it all again tomorrow for her and it annoys me I love her yet why am I such a door mat.
I don’t understand how I went from thinking about my wedding day to praying for my funeral.
I just wanna talk like normal adults about rain anything tbh but no 😢
I don’t paint a bad picture she’s unreal incredible I could continue but none of them will describe her, I can’t explain what my heart does when it sees her i can’t explain how much I miss her.
This is a mess and I have to wake up soon surely

Right now 

**warning this blog isn’t aimed at being bad or painting pictures or blaming anyone**

This blog has come from no where, but like wise the tears streaming down my face too.
This blog isn’t meant to be mean to anyone!!! (I have to point this out again)
I went for a run tonight and had to stop to be sick and come home feeling ill, I went to work Saturday night I think it was having eaten dinner then threw it up, Iv been ill for weeks it’s getting on my nerves tbh!! I got asked when I lost my weight, I said after her when she was ill and we were good I weighed the most I ever have…got told it’s because you were happy, but it feels a lie!!

Iv meet someone new, I like her she’s lush but I just can’t 😢 again…I don’t know why. 

All I can do is miss her 😢 4 months today we were in Norwich, yet tonight I sit here with my dinner I can’t eat revising and I’m just crying for no reason.

Everyday I tell myself I’m fine and I do bloody try but I fail too, why am I upset?

How did I let someone make me feel this way?

I explained tonight how we split I said she stayed here I said bye when I went to work and Iv never seen her again, I got a msg saying I feel nothing and blamed for writing a blog saying I felt left out…I read that back and thought why?? Someone who loved me wouldn’t done that surely? Why? I just feel like all the good memories are a lie, like i meant nothing 😢

I read how she misses someone it’s not me, it be a different guy I see her online dating…this is nothing to her it’s normality it what she does to try feel better, I get that…but she has zero idea what the words do to me, I can’t explain the feeling you get as you read the love of your life is alone wants to talk to anyone…but not you, she can’t understand how it feel for me to read that!!!!
Iv tried everything to make it right, I don’t want much but some kinda understanding but I get zero nothing just abuse once in a while and a picture of me painted as an awful person yet 6 months ago I was her hero yet i do nothing and now strangers hold more value then me, it makes me feel so stupid for not realising how much she didn’t love me!!
I don’t even know the purpose of this blog, just needed to say it out loud!!! I’m not wallowing I’m doing well apart from being poorly and still missing someone who just hates me!!!

But the little words, pictures and sayings destroy me. I get told words hurt…yeah they hurt us all 😦 but that seems to be the aim!!! 

 

changes

My reaction has been totally different this weekend, I read something that I thought was about me and turns out it wasn’t which is really embarrassing but still you deal with it.

My online dating has got me in so much trouble too lol but however has made me realise my value and worth, which has promoted confidence with in me and I am using affectively to contribute to my way of thinking and its really working well.

So she has been on my mind this weekend just over nothing but not in a negative way at all, for the first time ever its been all good iv had a few memories pop in my head but instead of going oh god I smiled and remembered with Hugh admiration for even having the memory in the first place.

Today I went for a walk and was talking about hospital’s and giving away the food your given, reminded me of a night the ex with anorexia asking for a sandwich in the middle of the night and a coffee but gave to me…probably gave the hospital the wrong impression, then got me thinking about something else were talking about kids songs and made me remember times of singing bob the builder in the street with her 🙂 I even smile writing it now and then to top it off I went and brought some pic and mix for work tonight and made me remember the ” I dare you to eat one in the shop” these are such stupid and childish things however they are moments that stick in your mind when you look at positives in people. These are probably the experiences and smiles I wont experience with anybody new or her too but we are still very lucky to have experienced them in the first place.

I read her blog last week and it killed me not to say anything and it was explaining the illness of a very important family member to her and trust me I know more then anyone the value these people have on her life, I have been honoured to meet them and spend time with them and can understand why they are so inspirational to her, but the point I am making is that it puts life in perspective its very short tomorrow is a whole new day and tomorrow I will see a new person I didn’t today or come across a situation I didn’t today our lives change from second to second day to day, my experience this year has taught me a lot about trust, honesty and general attitude so learning is a very important tool and taking all this into account the ability to not blame or hate anyone is important for the little time on this planet we have make sure you don’t fall out with the people who make you smile or once upon a time made you smile, don’t punish people for there choices because once upon a time you would have thanked them.

My biggest regret for 2017 is I will see out the rest of the year never being able to buy someone a coffee and just literally saying you know what… I AM SORRY, that’s all maybe its me but I shared some amazing experience’s that are worth so much more then silly moments or arguments.

We cant change the past situations but we can change today and tomorrow, that’s all I am doing now.

 

2017 so far

so I have made a monumental school boy error lol But never mind I am human we are all going to make them.

So I spent such a long time feeling glum, down and blogging about my past. I would read her blogs and get upset she would not or maybe did realise how broken hearted she made me feel every day and I would bite.

She asked me if I loved her to never msg her again and iv stuck to it, I adore this girl and its what I have to do.

Life has changed so much for each other in last 4 month its been awful and crazy but its life. 4 months ago in 3 days I was with her talking about marriage now we don’t talk iv not seen her in months and everyone else in the whole world is more important then me to her, but I guess I have learnt the valuable lesson that I never held the value to her that she held to me.

How ever this isn’t about bringing up the past, life made this happen you deal with it, I wont lie its a part of my life that caused me the most pain how ever she is also so someone I will never forget for all the bad that is plastered all over and for the devil I am described as we hold some of the most incredible memories just its easier to remember failure instead of success. I have a lot to focus on and some words from her a little while back have stuck in my mind and have really helped me make life choices.

 

Its been the worst year of my life I do anything in the world to change stuff but it is what it is, sick of acting out of character I am a much better person then that trust me I am showing it again sick of “wallowing”.

I wish that she would get better soon and that she had the strength not just to eat her way out of there and starve again. I want her to be happy and she clearly thinks its with anyone else but me so I wish her all the luck in the world. I no longer follow her on anything iv deleted everything I have I no nothing except blogs as I still care.

I say this to Aimee as she did read this, but I am sorry all of this happened two people who did love each other but both hit issues in mental health in very different ways the combination was a bad mix and made this a bad break up instead of a supportive one. I want you to know I don’t care what happened I don’t blame you, I don’t listen to what others say…I know you better then anybody’s comments I always stick up for you. I will always love you and I think about you every single day, I wish things were different I will never ever forget you!

To everyone else think about what people mean to you, don’t be a push over but also think about your actions heat of the moment or not remember how you would feel. I lost every thing I had all because a blog…so please think of the out come because right now there are things I wanna share with her, smiles I wanna make happen, cuddles I wanna hand out advice I wanna give and stuff I need to tell… but unfortunately I am never going to see her again or talk to her again in my life!

 

Don’t make my mistake people.

 

Stay happy, keep going and try live your dreams. Don’t learn the hard way 🙂

 

Happy blogging people.