I wanna help

So their is a couple of things on my mind atm, their not so bad its causing me any kinda issue, but im kinda stuck.

 

So she struggling she is really really struggling and i read how she says i get her like nobody else and i know this, i know this to well.

I read her blogs and they are becoming more and more devastating to read and try and take on board. I care so much about this girl i wish i could help.

The thing is i genuinely believe i could help, i know i could make her smile and be their for her. I came across some old pictures on Saturday night of us, they were from random weekends when she escaped “prison” lol and i seen the smile on her face standing in a bath and the smile from drinks together and i think that was a time when this was all new she was struggling to understand and yet we still tried our best and managed to smile and keep her spirits up together as a due, part of me wishes that i could have the chance to help her i think part her thinks the same too.

I cant make things any worse then this for her surely?

I made some bad judgments but im not a bad person, i never stopped caring and i just wish i could attempt to see if i can help.

Part of me really wants to talk to her try and be someone she turns to who helps lift her mood, whos there when no one else can. Who can offer a cuddle and tell her everything will be alright. I wanna invite to be my plus one at work xmas do or to fill my day off with a coffee…but im to scared to contact her, she told me not too. I pledged to myself i would respect her this time.

 

Anyway its not depressing me, im totally fine. I just wish i knew if i could help.

 

Happy blogging, enjoy your evenings while i work 😦

stop asking why!

(this is a massive blog…sorry)

 

So i keep getting asked why?

Jamie, why do you care? why do you look? why do you listen? why do you keep persisting? why do you get so fed up? why do you let her bother you?

So many why’s but i get them all the time, i could try and explain why…but not one person will ever understand. What makes this more difficult is the way i am making myself look to the out side world and the way this then makes me feel.

So i am going to try my best to explain, to help me get it out….

The reason i have been trying my best to contact her is… i love her, i meet this girl may 19th 2016… a very Jamie moment happened, but made the date very memorable and would have been a story we always remembered. We started slowly, it was made difficult by other guys she had been with, but it still turned into a relationship, at times it was great at others not soo…how ever this was normal. We split and got back together more then the normal but we never really gave up on us… but it was her reaction to bad things happening, but its okay we always came back stronger…then the last time was a while there were alot of guys in between this and what brought us back together this time..was devastating.

We were brought together by me taking her to hospital after she had overdosed and didnt feel well, we had not been close for a while and this was her moment of need for me…i was not going to let her down, this was the moment i realised i loved her and also began a journey no human beings should ever have to experience.

I witnessed and held her hand through her wanting to end her life so much she took the tablets, she did not talk about or threaten she took them did it and could have died accidentally, what hit me was when the nurses wired her up and she took her top off… i adore this girl and have seen her body before however…this time i could look at her, i nearly threw up i couldnt look, i witnessed what she had done to her body and it looked unreal, her head was on someone else body, little did i know this was the start of it. Our lifes turned into doctors, nurses, blood tests, hospitals, eating schools, care workers…i can continue and everyone of these appointments was tough for me but even more so for her too.

What sticks in my mind was she walked to an appointment and her illness was so bad on taking her observations they were so low, she was sent to hospital her family couldnt take her so i came and took her. This trip sticks in my mind, she passed out on them taking blood but she had blood taken a million times, her arms looked like she abused drugs she was covered in bruises from blood tests, she passed out and was wheeled out on a bed, i was terrified we were battling this fight as a team yet also falling in love which each other all over again but this time it felt real more serious, to battle what we were together was something out of the norm and we were giving it a good go.

This night in hospital her machine would stop bleeping as her heart rate was so low she was so ill her organs had shrunk, a nurse even said out loud no way is that her heart rate (this filled us with confidence) this night i held her hand lay on her bed with her she didnt want to be alone and her family couldnt come, i stayed till i was thrown out but Aimee didnt realise how serious it was, as the well being one i sat and watched i could see the seriousness, i was watching my loved one step closer to death it was hard. I went to the car park to get ticket…i remember calling my friend and crying down the phone it was heart breaking but i had to remain strong for her.

I then remember taking the text asking me to be with aimee as they had found her a bed, me and aimee never believed this would happen or more we didnt want too. I was devastated and she didnt talk about it when she knew she made me an amazing dinner but was annoyed i hadnt eaten it lol

We made it to the wedding and this was the point i realised i wanted to marry this girl it was the greatest experience of my life, iv never laughed with someone so much never smiled so much and never experienced something so special with a group of people in my life.

Then hospital one happened, leaving aimee in hospital after i dropped her off was heart breaking no one will ever understand the feelings and emotions i had that day…i cried my heart out all the way home it was awful, but this hospital changed aimee. The depression changed her.. I witnessed her shouting at staff, running away, attempting suicide again her moods were really bad and aimee i know would never shout at anyone.

But with this became arguments it began to affect us, i picked her up for her familys friend funeral having had little sleep and was working nights, while she went to the toilet the staff explained she had to take a packed lunch or she couldnt leave, i explained i would put in the car and explain to her on our journey but unfortunately they told her… she ran out the hospital screaming ran to my car to find the lunch box and threw it across the car park to which i collected and threw in the boot. The whole journey she was shouting and crying at me or not saying anything this was the first sign for me Aimee had gone this broke my heart but as she was sick she had zero idea.

I was in communication with her hospital they called me regular as they wanted to update me on stuff and tried to invite me to groups to help support her, she hated this as she thought i was controlling here when i was just caring for my girlfriend.

She left for a new hospital and i was scarred she was leaving to come home to mine and die i was concerned if it took ages to find a new place she could die, but when telling her this she went off it again saying i didnt trust her believe her when it wasnt the case i was worried but this again showed how much this illness had gripped her. During this journey she tried to jump out the car at 60MPH we both nearly died, this illness was serious 😦 it was killing me to see her this way.

She came back to mine and food times were hard she would struggle at picking food and her frustration would come out on me, but you take it because you love them and would want them to understand for you. The last argument was i asked for us to not argue, she went mad run off in Sainsburys i tried to calm her down but had to leave as she was going to scream in the shop, i finally got her to calm down and after 10mins this moment had passed, it was draining…but it was annie not Aimee.

We had the greatest weekend ever, to the point we had looked at engagement rings. We were both pretty sure that we wanted to be together we had ups and downs but we were weirdly very solid and soulmates we got each other like nothing else.

But i said goodbye one Wednesday before work, i worried as she didnt say anything that day i was scarred for her…then it all changed she gave up on me, everything above had been forgotten and she no longer needed me or wanted me.

I couldnt understand this and her family turned against me, they began to blame my help it wasnt good enough and i shouted back in frustration, i had lost everything for zero reason the girl was sick no wanted to help support us as a couple and annie was telling Aimee and her family stuck by her decision, yet they didnt realise Aimee couldnt make any decision she was so ill which costa took hours or should she do costa etc.

People began to say she doesnt want you build a bridge, but it wasnt that Aimee who i stood next to in ireland would have never had done that or if she had been more civil to me done it as a mate as were best friends too. I knew this was anorexia and i had read this was normal she would push people away.

Then she began dating it killed me, my love was dating why? it is to get over me and not be lonely, but she couldnt see it was destroying me i loved her like i did when i took her to hospital yet as she got sick i became the problem i was evil i kept msging but yes i did because i believed in Aimee this was not her, i know the true Aimee and reading her blog makes me realise how sick she is.

I read how she liked one guys and now how a different one offers advice about how we couldn’t have been soulmates or we would be together or how one got a night with her then ignored her…yet im the one whos been removed from her life…. Yet would any of them stayed with her when she was struggling so bad she wanted to jump out of the car or wanted to die, or baked with her every day as it made her happy? would they have sat her mum down and explained her daughter was sick? would anyone have done what i did?

I dont think so, yet there all amazing and im nothing, so my outburst of frustration are at the illness it taken her away and its like shes been brain washed and everyone else is listening to what she says but not being logical.

Now my friends moan at me about how shes treated me why do you care, my family the same they say she knows what shes doing dont blame her illness…but these people didnt go through this journey theses people haven’t read about annie…like i said, how many people have said or done something when angry or fed up then regretted it or gone to buy something silly to feel better…it shows that when our head not straight we do silly things. I for one understand Aimee and know its her illness that is making her make these decisions. What i think is if i was ill, i would give my right arm for her to have stayed in my corner all the way. I cant give up on her even if now i may never hear from her again.

I had been feeling suicidal but this is purely because im alone, no one understands was im witnessing no one understand why i bother, im like a witness to a mistake behind a glass wall… and iv lost everything due to Anorexia.

But i am no part of this girls life and she says we cant be together because we argued to much…if only she could step out of Annie and see what i seen.

Today i have zero sleep before this night shift as i know she was having treat meant and i haven’t stopped worrying…what i wounder is how many of these amazing new people in her life care as much.

My dream is not to get her back, but her to acknowledge me be civil polite with me im not here to argue…I Just love a girl show been taken over and i may never see again, she may have died.

This doesn’t hurt its soul destroying, i waited all my life for her she was the girl of my dreams, i wanted to settle down and spend the rest of my life with her…but shes vanished, the only memory i have is the one standing in church holding my hand and whispering…can this be us, yes my little princess this will be us and her dad wanting to see her get married too…why Aimee anorexia why the one girl for me…. this is why to everyone of them questions.

WTF is going on.

So the last few hours have been mental.

But some realisation has hit inn, being a nice guy is so pointless..you always lose by being nice.

So i woke up today to a text from my college informing me there has been big discussions at work related to me. I work in aircraft flight operations, last night i had a flight out of the U.S the aircraft (in simple terms) requires a radio frequency wave length which enables the aircraft to be able to receive vital information regarding wind speed and movement at all different flight level. In the US they use a different system which requires our crew to in put slightly different info into the aircraft flight management computer. (sorry go to into being a geek)

So i explained to the captain the way to over come the issue, i also then sent him a copy of the pilots newsletter which stated about this issue, it was purely to share info.

He however took it as a dig, i questioned his seniority he called the office to speak to me he has demanded to know my roster so he can call me, he has made the girl on shift cry due to being so angry and a conference call with the top managers and chief pilots was called with him he has made an official complaint and wishes me to apologise.

I have been informed my information was above and beyond and they are happy with me, how ever i am now awaiting a call lol

Then i read A blog about a guy using her for one thing basically letting her fall for him then dropping her like a lead balloon. This makes me so angry because when we split up in the past it was the same always guys after one thing and they the only ones who get her attention not people who genuinely care and look after her.

Then i come into work and ask a question and one the guys makes a dig at my college and she bursts into tears, i have to take her out the room. The guys have been digging at her all day and find it funny to see her wound up. She is such a lovely girl why would people do that? I came back in the office to shout at the guys a young 21 and 23 year old lads who are acting immature but not taking other peoples feelings into consideration.

Its been crazy iv only been awake since 1600, im just learning that it doesn’t pay to be a nice person. I may have been painted into someone im not but i am a nice person who trys his best for others yet im the one who loses out to aresholes. Then tonight i got thanked for being that nice guy off my college…but whats the point!

 

Anoyed right now.

 

 

changes

My reaction has been totally different this weekend, I read something that I thought was about me and turns out it wasn’t which is really embarrassing but still you deal with it.

My online dating has got me in so much trouble too lol but however has made me realise my value and worth, which has promoted confidence with in me and I am using affectively to contribute to my way of thinking and its really working well.

So she has been on my mind this weekend just over nothing but not in a negative way at all, for the first time ever its been all good iv had a few memories pop in my head but instead of going oh god I smiled and remembered with Hugh admiration for even having the memory in the first place.

Today I went for a walk and was talking about hospital’s and giving away the food your given, reminded me of a night the ex with anorexia asking for a sandwich in the middle of the night and a coffee but gave to me…probably gave the hospital the wrong impression, then got me thinking about something else were talking about kids songs and made me remember times of singing bob the builder in the street with her 🙂 I even smile writing it now and then to top it off I went and brought some pic and mix for work tonight and made me remember the ” I dare you to eat one in the shop” these are such stupid and childish things however they are moments that stick in your mind when you look at positives in people. These are probably the experiences and smiles I wont experience with anybody new or her too but we are still very lucky to have experienced them in the first place.

I read her blog last week and it killed me not to say anything and it was explaining the illness of a very important family member to her and trust me I know more then anyone the value these people have on her life, I have been honoured to meet them and spend time with them and can understand why they are so inspirational to her, but the point I am making is that it puts life in perspective its very short tomorrow is a whole new day and tomorrow I will see a new person I didn’t today or come across a situation I didn’t today our lives change from second to second day to day, my experience this year has taught me a lot about trust, honesty and general attitude so learning is a very important tool and taking all this into account the ability to not blame or hate anyone is important for the little time on this planet we have make sure you don’t fall out with the people who make you smile or once upon a time made you smile, don’t punish people for there choices because once upon a time you would have thanked them.

My biggest regret for 2017 is I will see out the rest of the year never being able to buy someone a coffee and just literally saying you know what… I AM SORRY, that’s all maybe its me but I shared some amazing experience’s that are worth so much more then silly moments or arguments.

We cant change the past situations but we can change today and tomorrow, that’s all I am doing now.

 

2017 so far

so I have made a monumental school boy error lol But never mind I am human we are all going to make them.

So I spent such a long time feeling glum, down and blogging about my past. I would read her blogs and get upset she would not or maybe did realise how broken hearted she made me feel every day and I would bite.

She asked me if I loved her to never msg her again and iv stuck to it, I adore this girl and its what I have to do.

Life has changed so much for each other in last 4 month its been awful and crazy but its life. 4 months ago in 3 days I was with her talking about marriage now we don’t talk iv not seen her in months and everyone else in the whole world is more important then me to her, but I guess I have learnt the valuable lesson that I never held the value to her that she held to me.

How ever this isn’t about bringing up the past, life made this happen you deal with it, I wont lie its a part of my life that caused me the most pain how ever she is also so someone I will never forget for all the bad that is plastered all over and for the devil I am described as we hold some of the most incredible memories just its easier to remember failure instead of success. I have a lot to focus on and some words from her a little while back have stuck in my mind and have really helped me make life choices.

 

Its been the worst year of my life I do anything in the world to change stuff but it is what it is, sick of acting out of character I am a much better person then that trust me I am showing it again sick of “wallowing”.

I wish that she would get better soon and that she had the strength not just to eat her way out of there and starve again. I want her to be happy and she clearly thinks its with anyone else but me so I wish her all the luck in the world. I no longer follow her on anything iv deleted everything I have I no nothing except blogs as I still care.

I say this to Aimee as she did read this, but I am sorry all of this happened two people who did love each other but both hit issues in mental health in very different ways the combination was a bad mix and made this a bad break up instead of a supportive one. I want you to know I don’t care what happened I don’t blame you, I don’t listen to what others say…I know you better then anybody’s comments I always stick up for you. I will always love you and I think about you every single day, I wish things were different I will never ever forget you!

To everyone else think about what people mean to you, don’t be a push over but also think about your actions heat of the moment or not remember how you would feel. I lost every thing I had all because a blog…so please think of the out come because right now there are things I wanna share with her, smiles I wanna make happen, cuddles I wanna hand out advice I wanna give and stuff I need to tell… but unfortunately I am never going to see her again or talk to her again in my life!

 

Don’t make my mistake people.

 

Stay happy, keep going and try live your dreams. Don’t learn the hard way 🙂

 

Happy blogging people.

 

Acknowledging mistakes.

I feel like I need to keep blogging as its helping me starve my loneliness.

 

Now so much has happened and iv reacted in a million different ways and said a million different things all in the space of 7 days.

I am not crazy, I am not depressed or even angry. But what I am is very selfish, I have been totally oblivious to everyone else around me, about problems life was throwing at everyone else, I was just seeing my pain and wanted the world to acknowledge my pain, not remembering other people hurt too.

I have thought about so many inappropriate actions recently, I even actioned one last night, why? I wanted to experience the pain a loved one was in, I can’t explain why. Our brains are very complex things and trying to explain and understand them sometimes brings on a whole new level that not many humans will ever understand.

I have been through a lot in my life, admittedly more than many people should ever have to experience, this making me see stuff at times completely different to reality. I am a very caring person maybe what I see as caring others see as controlling, my brain sometimes takes too long to recognise this even when told.

I don’t hate me though, I don’t hate the guy I am. I do however hate the way my brain tricks me to think different to how I want too. For the last 7days I have totally lost a grip of my personal identity, in fact to be honest the last 3 or 4 months I gave up on myself to care for a loved one, I now acknowledged this was a very bad and stupid move. However, in the situation you follow your gut and my gut thinks one thing, that’s pure worry.

I can’t say I have a light bulb moment because that would be insulting myself, I have had a wakeup call a reminder of life of me of my ex-partner of everything…people grieve in mysterious ways. But we always need to remember we can make mistakes we can make them over and over again but we can also be ourselves at the end of it, when we act ourselves we shine we enjoy our glow and to be fair people around enjoy that person more, we should never try too hard for anyone or anything we should attempt things but never alter from being us don’t lose your identity.

I read a card wishing me luck in my next job from a few years ago, people had described this incredible person so relaxed so chilled, clearly very popular… and the reason was I didn’t try to be anyone while there I was just me… it is so simple.

 

To those of you I have hurt I am sorry, I don’t love you any less than I ever did I have spent too much time thinking about myself, dwelling on things, I was simply living the nightmare I had going on in my head which I had made for myself. I am sorry the way my emotions took over my identity as they made a life for them self and that I subsequently let them negatives cause pain to you. This is mainly aimed at one girl this statement but also aimed at everyone else I have communicated with during this very emotional time.

Apologies are not always acceptable and this scenario I don’t believe a sorry is surfice however, as humans and decent ones at that it is our responsibility to stand up for our actions and this is exactly what I am doing here.

 

Life is a Hugh roller coaster but it’s important while the journey continues we keep our shit together as we are never completely sure where the tracks heading.

 

Thanks for reading guys and girls 😊 Jamie

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.