Acknowledging mistakes.

I feel like I need to keep blogging as its helping me starve my loneliness.

 

Now so much has happened and iv reacted in a million different ways and said a million different things all in the space of 7 days.

I am not crazy, I am not depressed or even angry. But what I am is very selfish, I have been totally oblivious to everyone else around me, about problems life was throwing at everyone else, I was just seeing my pain and wanted the world to acknowledge my pain, not remembering other people hurt too.

I have thought about so many inappropriate actions recently, I even actioned one last night, why? I wanted to experience the pain a loved one was in, I can’t explain why. Our brains are very complex things and trying to explain and understand them sometimes brings on a whole new level that not many humans will ever understand.

I have been through a lot in my life, admittedly more than many people should ever have to experience, this making me see stuff at times completely different to reality. I am a very caring person maybe what I see as caring others see as controlling, my brain sometimes takes too long to recognise this even when told.

I don’t hate me though, I don’t hate the guy I am. I do however hate the way my brain tricks me to think different to how I want too. For the last 7days I have totally lost a grip of my personal identity, in fact to be honest the last 3 or 4 months I gave up on myself to care for a loved one, I now acknowledged this was a very bad and stupid move. However, in the situation you follow your gut and my gut thinks one thing, that’s pure worry.

I can’t say I have a light bulb moment because that would be insulting myself, I have had a wakeup call a reminder of life of me of my ex-partner of everything…people grieve in mysterious ways. But we always need to remember we can make mistakes we can make them over and over again but we can also be ourselves at the end of it, when we act ourselves we shine we enjoy our glow and to be fair people around enjoy that person more, we should never try too hard for anyone or anything we should attempt things but never alter from being us don’t lose your identity.

I read a card wishing me luck in my next job from a few years ago, people had described this incredible person so relaxed so chilled, clearly very popular… and the reason was I didn’t try to be anyone while there I was just me… it is so simple.

 

To those of you I have hurt I am sorry, I don’t love you any less than I ever did I have spent too much time thinking about myself, dwelling on things, I was simply living the nightmare I had going on in my head which I had made for myself. I am sorry the way my emotions took over my identity as they made a life for them self and that I subsequently let them negatives cause pain to you. This is mainly aimed at one girl this statement but also aimed at everyone else I have communicated with during this very emotional time.

Apologies are not always acceptable and this scenario I don’t believe a sorry is surfice however, as humans and decent ones at that it is our responsibility to stand up for our actions and this is exactly what I am doing here.

 

Life is a Hugh roller coaster but it’s important while the journey continues we keep our shit together as we are never completely sure where the tracks heading.

 

Thanks for reading guys and girls 😊 Jamie

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.