Day 1

So today was day one fresh clean confident feeling. My day started off great motivated new me this will happen, my friend who won’t talk to me is on my mind as ever so, I text politely say good morning and wish her a great day. Was nice enough but again she ignores me.

How ever I try to be positive, I work hard and look at some good quotes and read some stuff about possible changes, all positive…. then lunch time comes and like clock work is here from my best friend but she’s not talking to me so I attempt to talk to her again I get nothing accept a one word answer, right now my moods changed I’m in the dip, but I’m hanging on and trying…she ignores me still.

So this afternoon I receive a call from the counciling people to say they have discharged me and that I need more help, this scares me….how have I got this bad. 

My mind starts to worry now, now I really need my friend but she’s not interested so I stand out in the cold to catch my breath and hopefully not cry at work.

Then the new unit call me, they say I have to go to hospital on Friday, that I should be prepared I may not be allowed home and if possible I should bring some support with me… how ever again my only support won’t talk with me. 

I got told that day 1 has been a success it’s brave to battle this and seek help, it’s scary to think what may happen but stupidly brace to do it completely alone, didn’t realise I just thought I was a failure to be in this situation.

But I’m doing this because I’m hurting the few who do care, just wish people would see how scarred I am….. and how alone I am, I need someone to tell me everything will be okay, but I guess they just don’t care.

But still day2 tomorrow šŸ˜„ 

Hating someoneĀ 

I don’t blame anyone apart from me…
Last night after messing stuff up again, I wanted to give up. I’m sick a tired of someone to the point I can’t stand them…that isn’t me.

The hatred I have towards them is unreal, there smell, there way with words, every associated with them I absolutely hate with a passion just their name is enough.

I watch them upset someone special to me, stupid things but it’s enough to maker that special one annoyed upset and hate this person too, she’s lovely though and says she doesn’t but he knows that we both hate him, not number one in anboodys life because the way he fails so all the time, now I know this is terrible to we should support this person but there is only so much guidance until you realise there just pathetic, the look of them, there social media input, the car they drive if I see another I’m like grrrrr reminds me of him, certainly places associated with them it makes me angry, I wanna see them suffer for being so useless to everyone else.

I got asked what do you wanna do, I said I could and want to kill them…..but the problem is this person I hate, it’s me!!
So how do you get rid of you, out of your own life?

Need to give inĀ 

I’m at that point again, I can’t take anymore.I’m so useless I’m so pathetic, no has respect for I’m just the idiot with a heart.

This hasn’t come about over love or jealousy, it’s all about me, my name is Jamie and growing up unloved growing older you want that love(don’t get me wrong I don’t understand it and I mess everything up) all jamie wants in the world is for someone to seriously care about him.

Yeah Iv I’m a nice guy, I do stuff I shouldn’t to see people smile yeah I go above and beyond because I care.

I just realised how people care but I’m not the priority I make others, not even close.

I hate me for putting me through this and causing all this….. I don’t wanna be me anymore, I don’t wanna wake up tomorrow I don’t wanna carry on day in day out jamie just jamie that’s my life that it. 

I’m ready to throw in the towel, Iv tried for months to be strong do this do that…. an I just can’t do it, I need to get a out, I need to escape this pain, I want people understand why I want to get out.
Unfortunately as I write this I know what’s the point….I give up

MUG

So bang, my tiny moment of happiness has again smashed me in the face.Someone who is used by others and appreciates you when there not there runs straight to them when they click there fingers.

You try hard to do everything right…yet it’s them that says love is creeping inn, it’s freaks me and makes me confused, thought she hates me, it plays of my mind then I realise that the person who plays them a fool, has got there attention and the amazing best friend social media knows all about can’t always be bothered so makes excuses yet still is best thing since sliced bread.
So it’s back to reality, 4 forward 9 back. 
When will I stop being happy being second best or 3rd/4th šŸ˜¦ when will I realise I mean nothing to anyone 

Give me a break, brain!

At this particular second, my brain is hurting this is being caused by unfortunately an ever reliable friend Anxiety!
So I spent my weekend with someone very very special to me, I let her down massively due to my anxiety and depression a few months ago.
But decided when I realised what was wrong I would not stop till I had conquered it. I remember walking into the GP’s room and just didn’t no what to say how to explain or even say I wanted help. But few tears later I told them and I was signed up to counselling which hmmmm not sure but the worst part and for me the most scariest….tablets.
Maybe one day il tell my journey. But after so many down moments, sad moments, tears, confusion I somehow managed to show this amazing girl I’d made sooo much effort to fix things, she never said she can a difference but I guessed silence is fine when the time of day she was giving me spoke volumes.
All these moments fuel my train which is now moving quicker and away from anxiety and depression, which more to the point has lead to us spending this weekend together.

I am very cautious when I’m around her as to not mess up or upset the moment, it’s important to me she realises I’m never stopping with my effort to fix this it’s all different as I let my self down so bad through her so this is very important to me.

This weekend I tried help her trough some disappointments and succeeded, from Friday night I seen her smile lots and lots and laughter we had lots of fun this mixed with her and me being so stupidly alike…. who walks round a super market with someone goes hang on Iv just thought some thing else for lunch I want and she says il go get them you get the potatoes I had not even said what I wanted but she went and got exactly it…that’s crazy, so basically this weekend was amazing and refreshing from the dark emptiness of depression and loneliness for one weekend I ignored life.
How ever yesterday she woke up a little upset, said our closeness what blurring her mind and that she didn’t want us to be so close…. then changed her mind real fast.

Now I know what ya thinking, how ever I know it’s not she likes me…TBH loving wise she hates me, friendship wise I think she tolerates me, it’s defiantly not the black and white you think.

But that was it she never mentioned it again, we stayed the same way through out the weekend and she was happy.

Yet I can’t get the image erased from my brain I see her tears and just think it’s all my fault I never wanna see her sad or cry especially because of me it’s totally got to me, tonight I asked what was wrong and she said everything… I asked what an I’m one them things, apparently I don’t need to worry Iv done nothing wrong and nothing’s changing between us(the way we are is diff friendship…but all in a good way) which is great I should be happy been a brilliant weekend…. how ever I just can’t stop my brain telling me Iv done wrong, I’m gonna lose her from life, I’m gonna spend all my spare time again back In the dark place, the image of her tears wont go away, it’s all my fault…. why is my brain doing this it’s sure it ruins my weekend, why does this happen?

Sorry this makes zero sense just going with the whole write what my pea (brain) is thinking.

My LonelinessĀ 

Loneliness to me is not sitting in the corner on your own or hiding away from the world, it’s about feeling as though the world has been put on fast forward and everything and everyone is rushing around but because your not fast enough you don’t see it properly no body stops, everyone just continues there journey, best you can pray for is someone trips over you, but even then you have to apologise.

So having a massive group of friends spread over the country sounds great how can you be lonely right? Social media people make you seem like a ledgend they look up at your achievements they like your posts they tell you how much they miss you and remind of good times…

But why just good times?Who’s there when I come home at night after a bad day at work? Who thinks on xmas day oh I must say happy xmas to them? Who thinks il go out of my way to check how there doing? 

I lay in bed recently and smelt the perfume of a special young lady in life, yet I lay an smelt it and think about her then I think about my friends and I pray she would be there holding my hand or my friends calling to say hi, I also think of everything Iv done recently and realise I made all them occasions happen no one actually went out there way for me….. but it happens and you realise to everyone your just a option or a back up your not actually a selection anybody has made…. but they appreciate you being a MUG.
Iv also learnt that being nice doesn’t pay, you go out your way to make someone feel special do anything and everything to make there day…yet your not important you a time passer, a moment, your not special…yet your loneliness tells you it’s okay this is all you have, deal with it.
So I remain like an ant in a desert there’s nothing around, nothing, no one, if cry no one sees it, if I scream no one hears, if I ask for help no one cares, but if I make a mistake everyone hears, this makes me wonder what’s the point?
Do I really have to continue? No one would care… no one would notice