What am I doing lol

What am I doing.

So tonight as per every night I’m wide awake. My minds wandering, Iv Googled everything from new jobs, to a job for my ex girlfriend in Newcastle lol to houses, to me wanting by a new car to me booking a holiday for myself for tomorrow…I’m on the verge of doing somit kinda crazy, but I’m sure afterwards I would regret wasting my money Iv worked so hard to save.

I really really miss aimee, would actually offer my right leg to be able to be able to have her back in my world, but people’s advice is driving me nuts, Iv been told everything…people think it’s a fairytale I’m sure it’s not it’s just the Jamie adventures there bloody mental.

So last night, I took my top off walked past the mirror and had to double back…I looked ill I’m so skinny, I hate being slim but I looked awful I can’t share anymore information then that but unlike aimee it makes me sick to look this way, it’s only been a week with no food. But my god I can feel the affects I’m beginning to live something that I can’t believe so today Iv ate everything in sight drunk everything been to the shops to buy more too I can not let myself get into this state.

So I took a picture before I shaved off the mess on my face (trimmed) as it was so long and I thought I would look better…how ever the picture has made me realise the mess I look. A weeks worth of neglect and I look the worst Iv ever looked I was abso shocked it was not what I expected to see, the beard hid the state of me.

 

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Even looking now I’m a total mess. It’s crazy how easily you can destroy yourself, I’m trying to sort everything out now. I’m not talking to my family, I’m feeling so lonely and I feel physically ill all the time but I will eat my way back to health.

But people thanks for the advice but I love her so much I don’t wanna push her even further away. I just have to dream and prey she will one day say hello again. To everyone I will try fix this and to my brain stop thinking crazy thoughts.

Losing it

So Iv just got back from the doctors who is refusing to let me go back to work.
I have two weeks to gain weight or I have to see someone….wtf, this is me I stress I don’t eat but not that bad.
My family hate me, I won’t talk to anyone just because I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. They don’t get it, all they say is how can you get like that over a girl. Then I say you don’t no.
Yesterday I tried doing somthing in my room to which I got called an idiot for off my brother as I’m doing it all wrong, this time I didn’t take it, I snapped went mental infact. Then my mum joined in said I’m ridiculous she knew this would happen and that she wouldn’t stick around, she went to say skinny somthing and I went mental, I seen abso red my brother called her an idiot and me a c word and I launched out my room and punched him so hard. Told him never to talk about her like that and he just laughed in my face…I’m a joke.

Mum said why haven’t you runaway to Newcastle like usual, or has Lisa had enough of you like me and Aimee…this really hurt.

I had blood all over me id fallen over and cut my arm as I looked in the mirror Iv not shaved or showered in a week, I am a joke.

I went for a walk last night and sat on the bench in town for 4 hours frozen.

The only person I wanted to talk to was Aimee no one gets it, I’m not a stalker crazy loon just no one gets me like she does.

I am fine, tbh I’m very calm I think I vented what I needed too.

I regret all my choices and I can’t stop punishing myself I won’t eat or drink but why? And walks at 2200 at night is kinda stupid. This is a mess none of this should be happening.

I don’t have anybody, I wish I could just runaway from all these people. I miss my best friend so much, 3 days I thought I could do anything now I can’t be bothered to do anything. Someone help me.

She’s started cutting her self since last week, I don’t want her too please stop it. None of this is your fault and I don’t blame you one little bit, I just miss you like crazy.

Aimee

What do you do, how do you look at things? How do we know that black is black and white is white? Because people tell us, but what is it really?

Me and Aimee had to breakup as her family don’t like me. This has been caused by multiple errors from us both but family love each other and some can forgive and some just can’t.

 

I have had a whole mixture of feelings towards aimee these last few days, anger, love, sadness, annoyance, jealousy and more. I take people’s opinion of me very personally and hate being described as a bad person when I try so hard maybe to hard at times. She has lashed out an called me controlling and manipulate and it hurt me as I just adore her so i decided I didn’t no what to do, I tried my hardest to put it right to talk to her everything humanly possible but she blocked me on everything in space of hours, I had decided I couldn’t do the 8 months again and thought what do I do, people say about ending it it’s a difficult situation maybe it’s an option, people buy the drink or find the pills or drive to the bridge but I wanted to do it, so I do. Did I want to die? No of course not dying scares me but I wanted out of misery, it could of and should of killed me I shouldn’t be allowed to type this message.

But I didn’t try to kill my self because me an aimee finished, I didn’t want to be painted as a bad person again and really didn’t wanna go through months on heart ache. But it’s not aimee’s fault, she has no responsibility she’s not to blame, she was just apart of the situation.

Right now, I’m making silly choices but I’m not falling apart. I’m missing aimee like crazy but I’m calm. I don’t want to talk with anyone but I don’t want to argue or complain. I don’t want to eat or drink but I know why. I don’t want to put on the tv or PlayStation I don’t wanna hide away from stuff. I don’t want to read a self help book because I don’t need too. I don’t wanna get a quick date to feel better. I don’t wanna cry but I do but I am allowed to cry.
Aimee doesn’t get emotional on line, aimee likes to date to help move on, she doesn’t mention me, maybe blames me a little, she like to paint a smile and not shout about the tears…but it doesn’t mean her heart doesn’t hurt as much as mine it doesn’t mean she doesn’t cry with me and it doesn’t mean she loves me any less, the ability to understand that comes from the connection we share.

But I got to put things right with my girl, I also got to realise that my aimee was infact the one my soulmate it wasn’t fake. I get to realise that we love each other to bits even now I know she loves me, my one is aimee J and I’m lucky that she has that title. But I’m not angry at Aimee, I may cry an even now I’m holding them but I will get to go to my grave very confident that she will love me always like I will her. Some people never get that bond, I will think of her every single day, an il always wish she was my girlfriend, my wife and my baby momma but I will never forget her ever. An I would do the whole 8 months again to be able to be feel so loved, to be able to laugh uncontrollably to be able to smile it hurts to have so much love for someone you go mental with out them. It’s a connection I can’t describe or ever repeat. Meeting someone who makes you wanna be an adult, makes you wanna push your limits and experience every single thing the world has to offer…it’s a good feeling 🙂

I’m not sure what I wanted to happen Friday night, but I still think I would have been happier if it had worked, the pain would have gone and I would have felt free.its very hard to explain.

I’m so sorry to everyone Iv ever hurt for being clumsy, I’m sorry to people I put through my crazy moments and I’m sorry to peoples opinions but I don’t care I will always love Aimee.

But overdosing is dangerous and stupid my body hates me right now I’m
Struggling, it’s not an answer to anything trust me. But I want everyone to know no matter what I do or how I act, I am in fact fine.

But to my friends to my family and to my aimee, if you look in the sky and see an aeroplane, no matter what happens or where I am, I will probably be looking at it then too.

 

:(

Another day and I can’t move from my bed. I can’t answer any of my calls or texts.

This really hurts, really hurts.

When we meet back up I realised how perfect she is, perfect for me we are like to peas in a pod. Absolute soulmates.

I wanna runaway from Essex with her away from everyone. I want me and her to be happy and then let people accept us, other people’s opinions don’t matter. It’s us that matter I want to come home to my family my Aimee and our family I’m not gonna home to see my twin and Mum everyday. I want to stand at the church and say I do to my soulmate not the next best thing and who ever stands in the church with us is a bonus it’s about me and my bride. I want our first house together we know it will be no where near here so we should just go do it.

So much I wish right now, I know my reaction upset her but it upset me too. Massively. I was just hurting in abso pain.

I just wish for a girlfriend cuddle or the holding of my hand, I miss all this so much. Her voice everything I dream of her all the time.

 

I wish there was a way we could be together I wish there was.

Don’t no a title

So I woke up in my car this morning.

Iv come home slept because I don’t wanna be awake. I didn’t go to work. I haven’t eatten since Tuesday night or has a drink since yesterday morning…I won’t fight it this time, I don’t wanna.

I seen Mum and told her what Aimee has done. She told me that she did always have a choice, she could of come here till it was fixed or should of kept to our selfs for a while. Can’t believe my mum accepted her again, Mum asked about previous girls I just said they weren’t for me, she said no one is it’s just Aimee. She’s right she’s all I want in the world over flying everything is to be with my Aimee.

Turns out Mum wasn’t the only one who had wanted her around, my best friend and new friend are the same they both msg her as they love me, because they accept her too.

Soo all of my family are fine, yet hers have stopped her seeing me yet I never did anything. Her BPD massively showed through yesterday again, she just got swayed by others and was fighting what she wanted she was distraught.

People don’t need to be my best friend but I did nothing wrong, they can hate me but don’t make Aimee cry because they want there own way. This is all wrong.

I can’t get through this all again, I want out. If I don’t have Aimee I have nothing. This time it’s not anything to do with either of us.

Destroyed

Today my hearts been wripped out and my life destroyed.
We were together 3 days 3 amazing day back in love, we always were. She was smiling away she told me she was so happy but scarred of her family’s reaction.
She stayed last night and I convinced my Mum to accept my choice she told me how much she loved me.
An was excited to tell her brother who said no you have to choose because he hates me for somthing I never did. She has to choose her family ofcourse….but what about me? What’s about us? What about our future?
I was accused of controlling Aimee yet these people are doing it, she In peace’s but they don’t care about that.

My friends are so angry I was treated this way 😢 I’m devistated. I don’t no what I’m gonna do….why would she do this to me? My friend said maybe she wanted me to suffer again maybe she still hates me, but surely not surely she would, surely?

Iv been told off by the police for trying to talk to her. I did nothing wrong I just let her destroy me again and I’m blocked out of her life again dropped so easily 😢 I can’t bounce back anymore I can’t re do all this again 😦 I give up on life Iv had enough it ends now.

She’s all I ever dreamed of and this is so cruel from people who wrongly blamed me and again I pay the price

Him

Iv learnt from all my experiences so much, my tweaks and changes are all a part of my challenges. I hate the tasks that were set but they all help mould a bigger and better person. That I’m most truly proud of.

But I need to blog, I’m struggling atm. My blogs read how much I miss Aimee, but this isn’t it. It’s him, still him. I can’t sleep atm and I can’t stop thinking of her, an think I know why. I can’t shift my migraine at all, for all I keep racking my brains. I can’t get this weekend out my head, I haven’t seen his face for nearly 12months and I never wanted to see him again. But his my Dad, I love my Dad but I hate him 😢
I cant get his anger his words out of my head, i wasnt ready to see him i wasnt ready for his verbal abuse, he won again i stayed strong on the surface but inside i feel apart.
I come to a house where im ignored, I’m a target of frustration or a bank balance to use I’m a driver to be driven around or the useless one.

I longed all my life for love, no body’s ever made me feel the centre of there life, nobody ever made me feel like they wanted me until I meet her but not only did she do this she was also my best friend, she was the holder of my hand. She was the massive tower of strength and the courageous one she helped make dreams feel reality but she was mine, she wanted to make me feel that way and wanted to devote that to a life time.
When I lost it, I lost indentation on life.
Everyday is a struggle but this weekend was awful, the more I wish she was around the more I realise why she’s not and it’s the more angry I get at myself.

I can’t explain what he did to me as a child, he has scarred my life, ruined my thought process and ruined some really important parts of my life, It helped ruin my chances of marrying her. I may never get the experience I longed for because the experiences I was made part of.

I’m fine I promise, I just feel so alone…I never wanted for somthing to be fixed so badly. I’m not sure why but my past the very beginning is beginning to destroy me a little bit by bit.

I’m sorry for all my blogs, but I don’t have anyone to talk to…an out is better then floating around atm.

im so lonely