Thanks and broken silence 

So it’s time to break my silence.First of all thank you to people and even the email from WordPress concerned about a previous blog I wrote, I am fine.
I decided to take time, spend sometime with myself. Which ultimately has proved to be vital 🙂
The last time I blogged things turned bad pressure from life and work and people had done it, finally got pushed to the edge I was adamant I was killing myself I didn’t want to spend another day blaming myself for someone else I spent a while hearing their words.
I was taught a trick though of an elastic band every time you thought something you shouldn’t ping the band….my arm was red for a while lol 
How ever with support from real honest people, things have changed I no longer blame myself, i am gonna hold my hand up and admit I made mistakes a while ago, but I had changed then when I supported her I was a good person beyond good in fact, I did things no one should ever have too do and took stuff I didn’t deserve…however admittedly my mistake was when she didn’t need me anymore I got confused and mixed with love and worry for her health tried too hard to talk…now if that’s my biggest mistake I hold my head high. I shouldn’t 

 be amongst the ones who should feel guilty. 
But you know what this now is my new life, things have changed around a lot in 2 weeks, I miss this girl every single day but stuff makes me realise she is just out to hurt me the guy who stopped his life to help them, I received a smashed laptop this week I gave that to her to give her something to watch tv on in hospital and blog with etc, I read her blogs and it’s just how others help her like no else has and how she wants a new life meaning I meant nothing, she’s seriously out to hurt me.
And stupidly I still love her and think about her all the time but I’m no longer a door matt I’m pleased she’s recovering I really am I have so much pride but I realise she doesn’t think about me she didn’t love me…why beat myself up. 
Well I’m not anymore 😊 life’s changing, time to change with it. 
Iv learnt everyone has a choice in life nobody’s decisions are made by anything else but them self, don’t kid your self and don’t be so weak that people walk over you. Stay strong.
But I’m me again, I let myself smile now 😄 I force myself to eat correctly, I am training like mad for my half marathon, I am doing amazing at work apparently, I’m back to studying my back side off and am ready for my first set of exams again to continue my dreams, but most of all people are mentioning I am my old self cheeky and talkative that to me is the biggest well done I ever need 😊😬
I don’t hate my old life, I certainly miss someone I thought was gonna be in it for ever…but this is her choice and I’m making the most of what I have left.
And if you read this…I don’t hate you!! An will always remain here for you, keep going because you have done an amazing job, I’m so proud to read your getting to a place I dreamed of the day you cried an apologised for being ill. 
Life is to short to be angry, depressed or hold grudges….I hold zero 😬

I can’t take much more guilt, I hate me.

Oh my actual god.
I have just spoken to my friend and cried and cried and cried I screamed I can’t take any more of this, my life is being destroyed. I hate life more then I ever have and the guilt I hold is weighing me down, I won’t do anything now that makes me happy or smile or anything because I’m not allowed she is suffering so I need to suffer. I do nothing but work sleep.

My friend told me that she was always proud of me for what I did not sleeping to take her to appoiment, asking my family to help out, telling her mum about her illness because she couldn’t, I seeked help when I couldn’t tell anyone she told me if i did she would never talk to me or even kill herself, I couldn’t take that chance. I helped convince doctors I’d look after her so they wouldn’t section her more then once I agreed to look after her. I took days off work called in sick changed my days off stopped working my second job stopped seeing my friends I did everything humanly possible to help her make her bothers wedding more then anything. I would do shopping with her I’d remove labels from food, I’d try make her stick to her meal plan i annoyed her but I wanted her to make this massive occasion. 

I used to go to work shattered as she never slept, I’d call her when I could to make sure she was okay, I communicated with staff at her first hospital to make sure she was okay, I left work in the middle of a night shift done a 4 hour round trip to see her at hospital so she wasn’t alone and she wouldn’t even talk or look at me, but I did it because if it was me I’d appreciate it.

I helped her make this wedding and what a magical weekend it was…I will honestly never ever forget it.

Then my worry and concern was turned into me controlling, this was not the case at all I worried its natural she tx me everyday to say she wanted to die.

She went to her next hospital and said goodbye to me in the morning after my mum an family looked after her for a week so they didn’t section her and I never heard from her again, just to say she couldn’t give me what I needed and that she didn’t feel anything.

This broke my heart I love her of cause it’s going to. I massively fucked up, I tx loads to get answers and frustration hit in it made no sense I’d done all that then all sudden I’m a stranger…in fact strangers were more important. Eventually I was blocked but before I was, I was told I’m killing her by msging her I’m ruining her recovery, police would be involved the hospital say I’m slowing her recovery….I literally couldn’t believe it, I was bereaving the loss of what I thought was my future wife. For the next 5 weeks I blamed myself I stopped eatting I hide food in my car the bin I don’t eat just because I can’t be bothered it punishes me and I deserve it as I’m killing her, I don’t talk to anyone really I have no friends I cut myself off from the world I work every hour work want me too stop me spending a day hating myself, Iv taken up cutting myself do on my leg so no will see but I deserve to be in pain, I sleep 4 hours tops every night I close my eyes and dream of her I have nightmares about how much I let her down. I can’t talk to people on the phone because I just hate people hearing my mood I haven’t smiled or even done anything in months, I just want to punish myself.

Then tonight I msg her again I’m missing her yeah I’m stupid but I miss her, an I get told I’m giving her family her stuff tonight, tomorrow night, the weekend, via post or taxi all this while I’m trying drive in middle no where in the pouring rain. So I call them and I get told that it’s my fault again if I had told them earlier none of this would have happened now I nearly crashed the car….what? Are they serious? What should I have done? I can feel my self getting upset at this point, I can’t take anymore blame what’s the next step how can I punish myself even more?? These people don’t see the affect a statement has on someone they don’t need hate me I hate myself enough, I blame myself for all this it’s all my fault she’s done well to get rid of me. But I don’t I have to live every single day in shame in guilt, starving myself, ruining my own life as it’s what I deserve. I can’t take much more of me I hate me so much I’d love to have the guts to end it all I don’t know what’s next to punish myself but il find it and I won’t stop either I’m obsessed with punishing myself.

I tried to talk to her as I think a normal convo with her would have easied some my guilt but it’s not what they want they want me to pay the price for her ilness.

Il happily do it for them.

I am away work related and I told them this but they are shouting at me tell me a date time place for her stuff, I can’t I don’t even no my name let alone dates times places with work I don’t no how comfortable I feel about going certain places etc but they don’t stop I get in after nearly 10 hour traveling on 3 hours sleep and it continues pictures of laws and telling me hospital say they have a case and that they have seeked advice and have copy’s of msgs and recordings of calls they then call me an record again….I breakdown at this point I can’t cope with people reminding me over an over it’s my fault they all blame me…I’d kill me if I had the balls.
Then they call the police my family are woken up by the police as they fear for my life, I’m not home I told them this I refuse to cooperate with the police as this is a fucking joke now. So now I have to drive to a police station or I’m gonna be on a wanted missing list wtf Iv been up for hours an hours I had my day ruined by these people and now it continues, this is incredible.
Now all I ever did was help there sister and I’m repayed by now hating my own life, I never felt so guilty Iv not got see the police I’m basically being bullied and I helped her when no one else would and because I loved her an msged loads they want me to pay for it….an I am! 
This is the worst Iv ever felt in my life, this is worse then being abused. The one person Iv loved more then anything and this is the memory and thanks I get 😦
I don’t want my friend to be proud of me no one should be proud of me this is all my fault and I can’t live with this guilt much longer.
I’m just sorry I didn’t do more and I hate life but most of al I hate jamie I fucking hate you so much!!! 

Positive to negative in one second/lost

So I was going to blog a very positive blog regarding some charity related stuff but it took a massive dive as I read something that has massively contradicted it all.
I am supposed to be running for the charity mind in a months time (having done zero training) I had sent an email to my crew at work and with in this email I explained what mind meant to me, I had been a witness to what mental health can cause the distraction I watched my loved one go through, I explained how mental health is also external as well as internal I watched my soulmate attempt to kill herself every day i witnessed her turn to a Skelton and live an anorexic lifestyle it was hard, I was a witness to suicide attempts, tears and tears, hospital, doctor appoiments I seen the scares from cutting her self I seen the look in her eyes at her reflection and the crying when she hated life…this was though, I explained this to people not so graphic but to a degree.
I received some amazing donations and some incredible messages, my boss told me what an incredible person I am and I am an inspiration for the amount I did Iv had crew ask me how she is and well wishes and how amazing mind is!!
But this girl now hates me and for all everyone keeps telling me she doesn’t, I know now she does.
Iv read how important her family are and that she has never felt loved like she does from them no one has ever cared for her as much…it’s gut wrenching to read that, it shows I failed I didn’t do enough everything me and my family did was of no use. I hate myself even more now, now I realise I’m useless.
Me personally am doing really well I’m back to where I was but it’s made me think and I’m lost ATM but I realised I don’t have anyone in the world no matter how bad everyone’s life Is I don’t think mines bad but…it’s not great, Iv not done anything for 6/7 weeks Iv not had one alcoholic drink since I was with her last Iv been out once about 5 weeks ago, I literally have no friends I have nothing, i removed Facebook as it was depressing me, Iv no one to support me my dad called me yesterday first time in about 4 months….he wanted to borrow money, my mum won’t talk to me because I’m not the happy jamie I used to be my brother just cares about his work and my friend in Newcastle I think got sick of me being down. I’m no longer down but I’m so lonely I’m currently working 7 12 hour shifts in a row today is day 5 and it’s because Iv no life, but I’m not depressed I don’t get or can’t explain this feeling. It’s like Iv given up so much that I’m no longer even depressed about it. I’m literally just existing and I just seem to find out more an more reason to hate myself…Iv reasons to be positive this week but nah Iv just lost more sleep and gained a migraine every day.
I’m at work now, my job involves flying aircraft basically from the ground lol Iv just helped save us from an accident 2 hours of calculations calls talking to the flight in the air and Iv managed to keep us going…I actually do contain a brain and and I was so proud of myself but then 2mins later I realise who I am and I stop my self being proud of myself…an I think who can I tell this good stuff too…oh yeah no one. Il just tell the white wall I stare at in my room or the wooden desk I have at work.
It’s odd though, because I’m actually fine I’m not negative surprisingly I’m not suicidal I’m not depressed I’m just soooooooooooo lost and lonely.
I lost so much them weeks ago.  

Still missing her 

6/7 weeks of zero contact and still think about this girl every single day, why?She clearly hates me for the way she dropped me…why would I be interested in that? 

As time has gone on I don’t miss her less I miss her more. I am better in myself great..but still why do I crave a hello or dream about her allllll the time? 

I’m sitting at work on my day off trying concentrate on work but I keep thinking of her and Iv zero idea why?

So much has happened and there’s like a billion things I’d love to share with her yet tbh I don’t think even if she text I could even reply. 

I get mixed thoughts and the input from my friends is varied.

Just I can’t get is why???? Why still?

Well I guess it’s because I genuinely loved her, life is crazy! 

None of this really should be happening at all, an probs the last person I ever thought would be like this, I’m not sure il ever understand what happened.

But life just won’t stop reminding me of her , from places, songs, a Toblerone in the fridge lol 

Who knows, just thought I’d randomly shout out on a Saturday night lol
Hope everyone is having an amazing weekend 🙂 
Laterz 

Greatful for her

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 

I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  
We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.
With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.
There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.

An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.

I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.

I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 

Through out her ilness she has stayed strong and battled away, she’s cried, she’s been ill she’s smiled and laughed she’s in a strange hospital with strange people eatting food and trying to battle her inner strength and her bravery brings a tear to my eye Iv never been proud of anyone as much as I am of her even now, I don’t know how she’s doing but I’m positive she will be smashing it.

I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

Greatful

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.
On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 
I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  

We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.

With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.

There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.
An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.
I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.
I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 
I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

It’s getting worse

What the hell happened to me yesterday, Iv been fine….until yesterday.
I came home in a complete state, like Iv never felt before I’m so lost it’s unbelievable still I can’t stop this feeling I have tried everything possible to man. But last night hit a low I made my mum cry she hates seeing me like this she offered my her room if it would help or to move to my Nans of even ask my dad and she hates that I hate being at her house. She got upset because I didn’t eat my dinner again and that I sat in the chair and just cried and cried mixture of emotions and pain I keep getting pain in my stomach and sides. I can’t remember seeing my mum cry before 😦 makes me realise I’m not fine to have that impact on someone.

Then to top it off I’m at work today in pain and my only friend calls me, and she begins to cry on the phone to me as “she wants me back” she wants to help me but doesn’t know how, she says she can’t bare listening to me or seeing me upset. I can’t believe I’m now affecting others.

Iv come into work first time I don’t wanna be here at all, I passed my probation and they want me to be a supervisor too….but I can’t do it, my hearts not into anything I can’t do it. I need go doctors but I’m also thinking of asking for some help in my mood, but doing this will finish my dream my career I always wanted, I worked hard for years moved away and everything all for this one job and I’m gonna have throw it all away because I’m a mess.
Why???? Why am I?
I lost my partner due to her illness she didn’t want me, is that a reason to complete destroy my life? 
I dream practically every other day the words “your killing her” I can’t get that out my head I can’t stop blaming myself, I can’t stop it every single second I think about it. I never wanna hurt someone, Iv never loved anyone so much In my life…but what do I want right now to help? Like what would I dream of??
To see her???? No, I don’t think I could face it, that’s how much I can’t cope. 

Do I wanna get back with her??? No, right now i couldn’t. Do I wanna talk to her??? I’m not even sure.

So what do I want???? It’s not the girlfriend side of stuff I miss as much as my abso best friend…I didn’t realise how much of my best friend she was. 
This whole situation is out of control, what happened? Why did this happen? The life of sitting in the sunshine smiling and laughing with a drink…seems like a dream doesn’t feel like it ever happened, this is just a massive nightmare I can’t wake up from, I just wish there was anyone who make me listen.