Me

As a child, we should be loved and enjoy life like an adventure and should look forward to everyday to experience something new and gain more experience to help us in life.There was a part of my life now Which contains no memory’s at all nothing I remember well, apart from school I was lucky I was fairly popular and made lots of friends which made school life fine.

Home life was different, every morning you would not know what was next. You would awaken but wait, if I got up to toilet and it wasn’t the right time or made to much noise that would be it, I would sit in my cupboard of a room (I wasn’t allowed the full room so I had a single chair bed in a cupboard because he wanted an office) I lived my life in the cupboard, I did have a nice view tho.

When he was up and out of bed I would wait, wait for a sign that I could get up I was to scarred to leave my room on getting up, if he was on a bad mood I’d need an excuse to go to my room. He once was in such a bad mood he would just remove his slipper and hit me around the face and back as hard as he could the rubber sole became a print on my body while laying on the floor and be hit an hit an hit I would cry and just take it, wondered if acting dead would make him stop anything eventually he would stop as say go to your room. I would go to my room and could sit or lay anywhere from pain and burns even tears on my face hurt. The door would be closed and every single footstep would be an alarm please don’t come in and he would come in my room and say why are you crying you stop or il give you something to cry about. This was regular every few hours this could happen, if it wasn’t a shoe it would be a tv remote, a rolled up paper or book, it was also my crutches when I broke my leg and even had a glass hit off my head.

The point I’m making is I spent my life worried I’d upset someone living in fear and that all I wanted was to be special to someone.

I had been treated bad off ex’s before until last year I meet a girl who….made an effort for me, it began odd she wasn’t sure then did somit stupid but I forgave then we had time apart, then we ended back together when she got ill. But this was different I this time felt safe she helped move away from him in my life it changed so much for me, she battled my corner with everyone she loved being with my and was greatful for me and all I did for her, she turned to me in moments of darkness I began to feel that I had a purpose in life and it was to help someone I loved she trusted me to help her an I did I did everything maybe to much but I was repaying someone for being the first human in my life who I loved who actually made me no1 and made me feel safe.

My worry for her when she was sick was through the roof I loved this girl to the moon and back I’d actually die for her she meant that much. 

But it was to much for her she thought I was controlling I wasn’t I was just scarred for her I couldn’t lose something I dreamed of all my life by her dying.

I was jealous of a couple people who meant more to her then me all a sudden I didn’t feel needed, she didn’t trust me to do anything grown up she needed her brother to do it. Lots people treat me like an absolute idiot I am clumsy I guess.

I lost her because I was controlling 😢

Today I just think about that feeling she gave me it’s like the boy who hid in the cupboard had a girl who came and got me she took me away from the house helped me smile and enjoy my life she was the first person who genuinely cared for me made me feel special.

I don’t have anyone in this world and didn’t need anyone she was more then enough.
But now she no longer needs me she is getting on starting a new life beginning again, all she wants and needs are her brother and sister now.
I feel like the guy back in cupboard, there’s no one out side the room to worry about but I can’t get out the cupboard, I look at the window and see her out side struggling but making it down the road and all I have of her now is memory’s and pictures, that picture when I close my eyes her I close my eyes every night and think and dream of this angel.
I never missed my life so much, this time was real to me, I wanted to make her my wife I was so proud to call her my partner. I just explain why I feel like this or what I even feel. But I hate myself so much everyday I blame all of this on me.

I just wanted to explain why I worried so much and why I love her so much I’m not a bad person.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I’m just finishing the end of my 84 hour week I barely know my own name l Happy weekend people 🙂
I wanna thank everyone for all the likes and follows it makes sense a difference 🙂 

Positive to negative in one second/lost

So I was going to blog a very positive blog regarding some charity related stuff but it took a massive dive as I read something that has massively contradicted it all.
I am supposed to be running for the charity mind in a months time (having done zero training) I had sent an email to my crew at work and with in this email I explained what mind meant to me, I had been a witness to what mental health can cause the distraction I watched my loved one go through, I explained how mental health is also external as well as internal I watched my soulmate attempt to kill herself every day i witnessed her turn to a Skelton and live an anorexic lifestyle it was hard, I was a witness to suicide attempts, tears and tears, hospital, doctor appoiments I seen the scares from cutting her self I seen the look in her eyes at her reflection and the crying when she hated life…this was though, I explained this to people not so graphic but to a degree.
I received some amazing donations and some incredible messages, my boss told me what an incredible person I am and I am an inspiration for the amount I did Iv had crew ask me how she is and well wishes and how amazing mind is!!
But this girl now hates me and for all everyone keeps telling me she doesn’t, I know now she does.
Iv read how important her family are and that she has never felt loved like she does from them no one has ever cared for her as much…it’s gut wrenching to read that, it shows I failed I didn’t do enough everything me and my family did was of no use. I hate myself even more now, now I realise I’m useless.
Me personally am doing really well I’m back to where I was but it’s made me think and I’m lost ATM but I realised I don’t have anyone in the world no matter how bad everyone’s life Is I don’t think mines bad but…it’s not great, Iv not done anything for 6/7 weeks Iv not had one alcoholic drink since I was with her last Iv been out once about 5 weeks ago, I literally have no friends I have nothing, i removed Facebook as it was depressing me, Iv no one to support me my dad called me yesterday first time in about 4 months….he wanted to borrow money, my mum won’t talk to me because I’m not the happy jamie I used to be my brother just cares about his work and my friend in Newcastle I think got sick of me being down. I’m no longer down but I’m so lonely I’m currently working 7 12 hour shifts in a row today is day 5 and it’s because Iv no life, but I’m not depressed I don’t get or can’t explain this feeling. It’s like Iv given up so much that I’m no longer even depressed about it. I’m literally just existing and I just seem to find out more an more reason to hate myself…Iv reasons to be positive this week but nah Iv just lost more sleep and gained a migraine every day.
I’m at work now, my job involves flying aircraft basically from the ground lol Iv just helped save us from an accident 2 hours of calculations calls talking to the flight in the air and Iv managed to keep us going…I actually do contain a brain and and I was so proud of myself but then 2mins later I realise who I am and I stop my self being proud of myself…an I think who can I tell this good stuff too…oh yeah no one. Il just tell the white wall I stare at in my room or the wooden desk I have at work.
It’s odd though, because I’m actually fine I’m not negative surprisingly I’m not suicidal I’m not depressed I’m just soooooooooooo lost and lonely.
I lost so much them weeks ago.  

Greatful

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.
On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 
I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  

We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.

With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.

There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.
An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.
I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.
I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 
I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

Changes 

It’s time this all finishes. I ended up in hospital last night, why am I putting myself through this. (I didn’t do anything stupid)
I’m not this person I’m behaving, I’m ready to move on from him now from this moment. My mind has escaped me, I don’t recognise anything a smell a colour anything my mind has gone it’s lost and it hurts.
I remember all those things I wanted all those dreams we had talked about but I have to find a new way away from my inner thoughts and feelings.

I never meant for any of this pain I cause to everyone myself included, if I could go back in time I would change everything, but I can’t.
I can’t explain what my thoughts have been because my brain and heart have got mixed up, but I’m hurting every single second and pain gets worse not better…but it’s pain I brought on myself. It’s time though I stood up and accepted I’m not perfection but I am me, I need to find me again. I once stood tall and proud but now I’m shattered I’m in peaces on the floor and I’m scarred the wind will blow me away.
I know your going to read this and I want you to know it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, you couldn’t have loved me any better and I can’t change a thing that’s happened, i wasnt ready to say goodbye I planned to begin not to end, but I want you to find better.
I will never stop loving and right now I also pray for your health and your strength. I’m never gone tho, maybe this bad passing storm but not who I really am, I’m always here. I want to make you aware I don’t have hate or have anger for anyone just admiration and a huge amount of proudness for the greatest character to have ever been written in my story.
I’m not a bad person, maybe unfortunate and rather silly but I’m just the little boy who’s scared, who has wounds from his childhood, his lost and lonely…but I mean no harm, I just seek love and safety. To all I cause pain…I can’t say sorry enough..

take it from me I am truly sorry and I miss my life I miss my story 

Why?

What the hell has happened…Iv just woken up, Iv read an email from my boss one of captains has sent an email inn to thank me for doing an incredible job while we were in Argentina…it’s made me cry. 

I’m not incredible at all, I write this while cuddling my pillow and crying my eyes out 😢

Life has got out of control, I hate it so much I hate me so much. Iv lost everything I lay here and realise I lost my girlfriend someone I adored, she’s so poorly as well 😢 it’s all my fault. She wants to hurt herself and it’s because of me it’s all because of me…but I just loved her 😢 her family now hate me too, I didn’t want this I just wanted my girlfriend who I thought I’d marry one day… but there right I’m killing her, why would I do that??
I can’t get these words out of my head, I can’t stop hating myself. 

Why? Why? Why? Why? 😢😢😢

I can’t eat anymore I just don’t want to I wanna make myself suffer, but it’s getting bad 😢 I haven’t eatten a meal since I was in Norwich 3 weeks ago, I started hiding my dinner in the bin in my room, I ordered a pizza with everyone at work last night as I didn’t wanna look stupid I only had one peace and brought rest home and now I need throw it in the bin before anyone sees….read that back…wtf am I doing???? 

I can’t sleep anymore, I don’t do anything but get upset. I went out a couple nights ago and I hated it, I couldn’t touch any alcohol.

But I can’t deal with reading someone tell me how amazing I am, maybe I’m okay at my job but I’m the least amazing person your ever meet, Iv destroyed someone’s life and I can’t stop this now…why can’t I stop hating myself 😢😢

Gone to far

This has gone to far….
So I have been told I shouldn’t blog, I will be sued for expressing my inner thoughts.blogging is to be able express what you think and how you feel your are encouraged to speak out loud but I’m told I can’t can’t say what I think.

My posts are about my life my situation nothing is aimed at anyone at all. It’s what helps me.

But I am to blame for all this, my words are killing people, my confusion my being lost is me causing trouble.

There a situation here that has got so far out of hand it untrue, it kinda turned my life upside down…but again it’s my fault. The situation is I mess up, I’m jamie I mess up I’m human I hold my hands up I’m far from perfect I mess up, I have spent my life the last four months helping a mentally ill person because I loved them, it affects you my whole life changed over night everything changed this was no ones fault it’s life I choose to be part of it. But it put me on edge I didn’t want this person to die, I wanted to do all in my power to help them and that I did. My friends told me last night I shouldn’t not be ashamed I should be proud of what I did not many would… an no one else was willing too. 

But I did everything I could, but I don’t feel proud, I’m sad I’m told I’m killing her now I’m stopping recovery…. because of hurt, confusion, sadness. I told my friends last night I no longer care about life Iv thought before some stupid stuff but I literally don’t care anymore, I haven’t eatten a meal in coming up for 3 weeks I got told I’m looking ill but ya not what I’m pleased I wanna punish myself, people txing me an having a go at me agree with it all, so I wanna punish more. 

My words aren’t angry at people, it’s confusion. Our brain consists of questions and when stuff isn’t answered you make the answers….but we shouldn’t be punished for this.

This whole situation has got out of hand and made so much more then needed to be.

I am blogging because i neee to!

Upset

So I’m upset.

I have blocked out of her life because I tried to hard to talk to her, she finished with me after getting very ill and wouldn’t talk to me about it wouldn’t explain anything or answer my questions.

After 4 months of me running around to help her she does this, she literally has nothing to say to me yet when I say she has used me…I’m wrong because it made her cry but infact it’s just the truth it’s so clear for everyone to see. She used me an my family to help her get better then all a sudden hates us all an owes no one an explaintion.

Then to top it off while I’m struggling enough about it her family tx me and tell me it’s my fault, the ilness and her recovery is my fault, so guilt trip someone else into her ilness is bang out of line.

It wasn’t my fault when I stopped her from diing it wasn’t my fault when I helped get her to there wedding it wasn’t my fault when she needed a roof, that’s not fair.

I have been messed around by people all my life so I’m not surprised at all, but this girl I thought was different I believed every word she told me, i believed every dream she told me, but she just used me for my good nature if not this wouldn’t be happening even if she didn’t wanna be with me a nice person would have valued all Iv done and at least given me an opportunity to answer some of my unanswered questions.

Why are people so evil? Yet make you out to be the bad person? This is a new even for me, I feel sick!!!