Wake me from this nightMare

Iv woken up and my heads pounding…I’m sweating yet it’s freezing 😦
It’s Aimee, Aimee Aimee bloody Aimee it’s always Aimee lol all day i was thinking about her, I was meant to be working today and part of it was to be in London I spent 3 hours exploring…all it made me do was think of her 😦
I miss her sooo much, nobody has any idea how much she means to me, she’s my absolute world I’d literally die for this girl. I wouldn’t left her for the world even when she was so ill I would never have given up on her intact I loved her so much it made her split up with me 😦
I hurt every second of every day, because she hates me I blame myself every day because she hates me. But I love to peace’s even now I’d marry her tomorrow if I could, I watched a program and they were talking about engagements and how they asked they laughed about spending there life with one person…I can’t imagine my life with anyone else, I don’t wanna experience all the scary things life has to throw at us with anyone else but my crazy soulemate…the girl version of me 😦
Every girl I talk to I compare to her no one in the world is her, no one has her personality her heart and not even close her beautiful face.

Iv seen a pic of her from tonight and I cried, I just miss her so much she is the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world she is absolute perfection, Iv never ever ever been so envious of guys she chats too.
I’m really fed up atm and there a girl who wants come to mine tomorrow because she worried about me, she doesn’t no me very well but she’s worried about me…it’s nice someone cares but I can’t let her come here…it’s only Aimee that’s ever been to mine and this girl as lush as she is doesn’t even come close to the girl I called my princess 😦
My heart really hurts my head really hurts… this is the worst heart ache ever.
I want to and will write a blog I’m working on to paint the true picture of Aimee, but I want it to read perfect and that’s because she is perfect.
I am talking to my self when I say this but I love you every day no less if anything even more, I’d give my right arm for 5mins with her again, the most perfect girl regardless of what anorexia has done she’s still the girl of my dreams literally.
Night night world…if I don’t wake up from the nightmare..I don’t wanna wake up 😦  

Misinterpreted again

It’s been misinterpreted again.
I’m being described as nothing a complete nothing. Just the past.

I’m described like the worst thing ever, like did I imagine everything that happened?
I don’t try and make anyone feel bad it’s me that’s made to feel bad. I was made to feel this is my fault and knowing what my weakness is, there fully aware I would struggle in this situation.

So making me feel awful, ignoreing me and make me feel responsible knowing this would make me suffer.
I don’t paint any pictures or the one they think is actually wrong. 
I just don’t understand what ever happened, how did it go from helping someone to them then hating you. Then now because I blog and say I struggle I’m the one who’s causing all the pain…
IM NOT DOING ANYTHING … I just miss you, an I have no closure 😦
I will never understand why I’m being punished.
I’m so sad 😦 this is the worst Iv felt and her dating is destroying me 😦
I’m at work now and staring at the scissors….is it a good idea?? 😦
How has this bloody happened 

Im a mug 

So Iv had to bin sharp objects that were in my room. I woke up today and I had blood everywhere I had just caught some them that’s all and must gone every where.I’m starting look at myself and panic, I can see Iv lost loads weight. I can’t even type that with out feeling sick.
But I’m starting to discover my bullying of myself isn’t self guilt as much as I thought. 

It’s anger at my self, I’m angry with myself that I’m doing this to myself, I’m angry I’m letting someone else ruin my life make me sick ruin my dreams everything because I’m letting it.

I’m angry at myself for trusting someone for putting so much in, time effort money everything I had because I thought she was the one…I’m angry I’m such a mug I’m angry I didn’t listen to voice she’s too good.

What’s the point in being a nice person if people see that as weakness and a reason to exploit it.
I have no life, she has a better life then me and I let it. I don’t do anything, I’m always ill coz I don’t eat I can’t meet new people because I still love her and I’m scarred il be treated like this again.
It’s on my mind 24/7 everyday second, I’m a true mess. I don’t know even no what I would want from her to help but Iv asked, if it’s forgiveness (for nothing) a hello even a thank you for helping her anything.. just every time I see her online dating it kills me, it makes me think what we had was nothing all these feelings I have are fake. I can’t imagine after everything and no real reason for a break up how easy it is to then go online dating while sick which why we aren’t together.
I read blogs and stuff I agree and wanna point out told you so…but I’m not that person. I’m not angry at her, I’m angry at me…my punishment is Aimed at myself.
I don’t think this is gonna end to well for me. I’m out ideas out of luck and there’s no one that can or wants to help me. 

Signs = sadness 

I read about signs the other day…. Iv been hit with the same sign all day long, which certainly isn’t helpful.
So today no word of a lie 3 times Iv been asked, “jamie how’s that beautiful girlfriend of yours” from people in 3 different branches… how’s my beautiful girlfriend, well she’s still beautiful but as I accidentally discovered the other day “is seeking a relationship” and she decided to hate me too.
I was out in Newcastle Monday one of my friends didn’t no and didn’t believe me either, he said Facebook and Instagram we looked in love… ” well I was”
Then today a girl who wanted spend my day off with her…. I made cry 🙈 said I couldn’t do it, she said not me “it’s Aimee” I didn’t realise I’d mentioned her much, turns out way too much, she then said somthing unkind about her… and I hung up and won’t reply to her.
Yet I then seen her dating profile and just broke my heart again, it’s the worst feeling ever this time.
Yet no one is Aimee she was literally perfection, I can’t explain it.
I told that lass who was lush in every way people will think I’m crazy, but I told her it made me feel guilty seeing her as I care more about her blogs then this lass, she just wasn’t her 😦
But why does it matter? This girl doesn’t just not care she completely hates me 😦

This is what destroys me!

If I was on fire this girl would probs walk past me and kick me that’s how much she hates me. So why do I care so much 😦
Then tonight I cancel all my plans to stay in, I’m still not feeling great and have a super long day on the road but I flick on sky and what films available 
Sully….. No 🙈 I wanted to watch this with her for ages, she loved winding me up about it all the time lol even called the radio to tell them one hahahaha but I can’t watch it!!! 😦
This memory makes me smile every time, but makes me realise she was just perfect 😦 and makes me miss every single thing about her 😦
I feel sain, but I did think today I wish I was someone getting caught up in these bad attacks I don’t care if I’m no longer here…it’s like there’s no point with her.
Life mann 

I must be awful

How does she do it?
My mood isn’t great today I feel so disappointed. But now I feel rubbish I hear she’s sad stuck in for the weekend and lonely.
How can someone I wanna be around so bad be so lonely 😦

I hate hearing her sad she was my best friend I hate it hate it.
I dream that I could talk to her make sure she’s okay tell her about my day find out about hers 😦 but I’m not allowed.
But what does it say about me? She is so lonely and has no one, but she would rather feel that way then say hello to me, what does that say about? How awful a person must I be? How much must she hate me that feeling like that is better then me? 
😦 

A day with anxiety 

Waking up everyday more tired then when you go to bed. Sleepless nights looking through your phone looking at other lives and see how people are married, engaged and have kids and houses, everyone else is happy happy Happy.I get up and stare into space and forget basic life skills making a drink with out spilling it or collecting lunch for work I forget because my brain is thinking and thinking about anything and everything it’s obsessed with thinking.

People ignore you, someone doesn’t text you back or you’ve a reminder your single and you think why why what did I do what did I say why me, your brain goes round and round and round.

You imagine your ex is happy out and about your fiends are making plans with out you your family are avoiding you.

You begin to lose interest in everything work becomes a chore, eatting is a chore life it’s self is a chore your to tired.

Your brain is constantly thinking how to improve you keep telling your self why this is happening why that happened how you can fix it, who can help you fix.

You try and date as that’s the answer not releasing it makes it worse, you can smile and it’s gone you can get compliments and your fixed…..then ya alone and your brains back your back in this world your the failure again social media is happy happy happy, you add Instagram and Facebook pics to see likes to feel some love we blog random stuff to see if people care, we tx people to see if they care.

One person cares and we jump on there caring side we love them we adore them but how long will it last do we really?

We lose weight with stress and lack of food, we loose friends with negative behaviour we lose our jobs maybe our loved ones we lose everything apart from the thoughts the thoughts never stop.

Then you do get a few hours sleep before starting all over again tomorrow.

This ladies and gentleman boys and girls is what I go through every single day, to the outside world this is crazy and extreme but I reality to me and many others this is life and this anxiety.

Lying in bed very poorly, but watched a video that inspired me to describe what it’s like every day for me and many others.
Enjoy your weekend everyone 😄

💔💔💔

I wake up every single day, an I think about this girl I look to my emails to see if she has blogged so I can read how she’s getting on.Every blog gets to me, I read how sad she is and her struggles I also read her happiness and success every blog decides my mood.

Every time I walk into my room I expect to see her sitting on my bed, eating pick and mix or pouring disarno and Diet Coke.

I still find hair clips in my room and my car and think about the amount of requests to play with her hair lol 

I drive my car and sing to myself and think all the times we used to sing to each other in the car and dance to the songs.

I sit in my kitchen and wait for her to get millions of ingredients out and we bake anything together for fun.

I sit in my garden and remember us laying in the sun together and laying out side at night and watching the stars.

I drive though the high street and see our favoured pubs we would stumble home from.

I close my eyes and I see her every time, her smell or beautiful smile and remember many many times of laughter, times of joy and difficult times we hold each other’s hands and make it through.

I miss this very special girl every single day, I miss her being a part of my life as I read all I mentioned above Iv described my best friend.
Now I know she didn’t finish with me for being sick she just never did love me, I feel my feelings aren’t allowed, I shouldn’t have feel like this towards a girl who didn’t like me. I can’t date anyone else because I just can’t do it….I stupidly believed I was going to marry her even now I can’t hate her, everyone says I should I believe I should but I can’t I still adore her after everything.
But now she’s dating from hospital, it’s the worst rejection ever, regardless of what Iv done for her if a stranger is worth more a gamble then me even while she’s in hospital what does that say about me? I must have been awful. 

If a stranger is better for her then me, it makes me look at myself and think how could it get any worse.
All the above memories mean nothing as she thinks she get better from anyone else, I guess she’s right I’m awful, I always knew I wasn’t good enough for her.
I can’t describe the way my heart feels right now, I was gutted when she finished it but right now I’m completely heart broken.
I broke down in tears driving away from her house this week after delivering her stuff to hers never did I imagine she was out dating someone else already.
I feel like such a mug, I can’t believe how awful a boyfriend I must have been when this is a better option.
This doesn’t feel real, my whole life feels like a tv program someone is gonna jump out and shout I got you soon.
My hearts absolute broken.