My head….

So it’s been a rollacoaster ride this week.

I have discovered a few things but they main thing being my inner strength, I actually do have control of my life which is fantastic.

Some scenarios were put infront of me which I would have crumbled but instantly turned to fix instead of delaying. Already feeling the benifits.

I’m in a weird situion and unfortunately for reasons I can’t explain, it’s weird. My life has taken a hugh U turn and everybody seems to be telling me I don’t need to worry and this that and the other but I feel it this time this is new this is different.

Iv come back home tonight and I don’t wanna talk with anyone I’m not annoyed I just don’t wanna talk, I just wanna pack my stuff and leave…. is that brave or is that silly? I have my notice written and ready…I thought about it before but never so seriously….is this right? Is this time? Is this silly? Should I be patient? I have millions of that going around my head. 

I cried today…..no just a tear or two, full on gut wrenching tears no one was in so screamed it as I cried (I scarred the dog) I kinda scarred myself I’d been so calm cool and collective till earlier, I was feeling the pain the my chest soar my head hurting and uncontrollable tears…I was hurting and unfortunately had no one to support me this time, no one to cuddle me no one to tell all was okay…think these tears had been building up… but I must admit I didn’t like it at all.

When do you stop following your heart? When do you follow your head? What about when the two say the same as everyone but you? 

But I’m in control, I’m in control of me…I doing the right stuff, so why? And why am I neglecting me too??? A lay down last night in bed at 0200 I don’t sleep, an I felt content I had said good bye to my house mate and something I was watching….I woundered if I had said goodbye to everyone and maybe felt this was my time? I didn’t ever wanna argue again with people, I didn’t really care about anything I just….done, happy Iv done what ever. But I’m not suicdale like I say I’m fine, for once belive it or not!!! 
I can’t explain anything….it’s all mashed up

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.

Switch on 

….so Iv decided I can no longer struggle because my girlfriend is struggling. I need to respect her feelings and thoughts.

I want to marry this young lady and I hold my promise. But the day I do I will read vows that say I will protect honour and obey her what’s the point if I can’t do that now.

This is a tough time for me for everyone and mainly for her…it’s time I shower her I love her.
I had a light bulb moment once and changed my life …. so Iv switched it again 

I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

Living hell 

Right now me and my girlfriend are going through hell.She has been admitted to hospital full time an hour and a half away from home.

So she did the amazingly brave thing and decided to give hospital ago, its strict she has to eat she isn’t allowed to return to her room after she leaves it in the morning, she has to be up by 0800 and then bedtime is at 2230 she has to take part in all groups and is restricted on visiting.

She has been in now since last Monday today is day 8 and she is eatting she’s doing what they say and I can’t describe the feel it gives me I can never explain the appreciation for someone to make so much effort to want to get well to get better for her for her family for us it means so much. 

How ever the affect this place is having on her mentally is unbearable, she is so depressed, she cuts her self regular, she won’t talk to staff, patients. She won’t do anything and keeps telling me she wants to runaway she wants to die.

Then it’s straining our relationship, she’s very snappy at me, we argued loads lately about nothing at all, everything I say is miss interpreted, but she’s struggling so bad now she’s being to not wanna talk to me either she’s lost motivation she worry we’re going to argue when in fact we weren’t arguing she thinks I’m mad at her all the time when I’m not in slightest.

I spend all day worrying about her every second I think of her she’s my girlfriend and I love her to bits we have been through a lot even before this illness and we always come out the other side but she’s my best friend and girlfriend in one so it’s doubly difficult to sit back and watch your loved one fall apart and you can’t do anything. It’s got so bad I thought about cutting myself not to hurt me but to see why she does it, maybe it can comfort me in these bad times?? I don’t know.

Tonight she ran away and took an overdose my beautiful girl wanted to die, this breaks my heart. I intend to marry this girl yet tonight she wanted to die. It’s hard. I drove a long way to see her I seen her for 20mins and she didn’t wanna talk she couldn’t look at me she was just starring at her feet she’s didn’t wanna talk about anything she still thinks I’m mad she thinks she running my life…. she looks like Aimee but doesn’t act like Aimee she really didn’t look bothered to see me, I know deep down she didn’t mean it bad it’s just depression I get it Iv had it bad too.

Just not sure how to tell her I love her I’m not ever angry I just wanna help, when ya in love with someone you wanna do all you can to help she can never do wrong she’s not a burden she’s my girl it’s was I’m here for good and bad times. We will come out the other end here it’s just soooo difficult ATM so difficult….I just want her back and healthy.