London thinking 

Lots to think about choices to make where better to think then London, currently attempting to be a tourist on my own. Very bizarre feeling but comfort zones need pushing. Embankment is a crazy place lol
I have people in my head people go don’t listen to me people who wanna be in my life people I can’t have in my life and people who read situations wrongly.
There’s so much but also so little at the same time. I’m scarred bumping into her while here too petrified.
Iv been bullied, beaten and all sorts yet never has anyone hated me so much, it’s a feeling I abso hate and really don’t understand what makes it worse is it’s by someone I truely loved.
My weeks seem to get worse not better 😦 

A day with anxiety 

Waking up everyday more tired then when you go to bed. Sleepless nights looking through your phone looking at other lives and see how people are married, engaged and have kids and houses, everyone else is happy happy Happy.I get up and stare into space and forget basic life skills making a drink with out spilling it or collecting lunch for work I forget because my brain is thinking and thinking about anything and everything it’s obsessed with thinking.

People ignore you, someone doesn’t text you back or you’ve a reminder your single and you think why why what did I do what did I say why me, your brain goes round and round and round.

You imagine your ex is happy out and about your fiends are making plans with out you your family are avoiding you.

You begin to lose interest in everything work becomes a chore, eatting is a chore life it’s self is a chore your to tired.

Your brain is constantly thinking how to improve you keep telling your self why this is happening why that happened how you can fix it, who can help you fix.

You try and date as that’s the answer not releasing it makes it worse, you can smile and it’s gone you can get compliments and your fixed…..then ya alone and your brains back your back in this world your the failure again social media is happy happy happy, you add Instagram and Facebook pics to see likes to feel some love we blog random stuff to see if people care, we tx people to see if they care.

One person cares and we jump on there caring side we love them we adore them but how long will it last do we really?

We lose weight with stress and lack of food, we loose friends with negative behaviour we lose our jobs maybe our loved ones we lose everything apart from the thoughts the thoughts never stop.

Then you do get a few hours sleep before starting all over again tomorrow.

This ladies and gentleman boys and girls is what I go through every single day, to the outside world this is crazy and extreme but I reality to me and many others this is life and this anxiety.

Lying in bed very poorly, but watched a video that inspired me to describe what it’s like every day for me and many others.
Enjoy your weekend everyone 😄

I am confusing 

So as today is the beginning of a fresh for me I wanted to talk about  something totally random I wanna explain me,

So yesterday I was studying and holding a training course… this is my geeky knowledge.

Aircraft as we are fully aware are powered from air, air ignites with the fuel and produces power to turn to turbine. The air is produced by In takes of air Into the aircraft but the power to make the computers work onboard is powered by air.

The aircraft has its own APU which is the power for the aircraft on the ground, this produces enough air to reach one of the packs which powers the instruments. The APU is used when no engines are on to provide the air, but the APU also provides the air to start the engines which then provide the power for the aircraft. Am APU isn’t used inflight as engines produce the power it’s not needed and a waste of fuel. If an APU doesn’t work on the ground a ground power unit provides power to the aircraft, to start the engines an AIr start unit is required this produces the air which helps ignite the engines the engines then power the aircraft so the ground power unit isn’t needed the engine started then flows air to the other engine to help start it.
Now I have learnt this and am still learning…..but how can I not simply just not text a girl? I’m a thick? Nooo I’m not it’s love and I’m a daft idiot. 

I read this really good quote just now…
“People are blindly ignoreing: you can’t have a victory until you close your current battle (by accepting defeat if need be)

So I pre warn please stop following my blog if you must, but I will be blogging over the next few weeks as I begin an intensive program this week I have 12 days of hardcore change, Iv been granted leave so it’s time to get myself back this is the best way to do it. I will no longer be this evil person people keep telling me I am!!!

Acknowledging mistakes.

I feel like I need to keep blogging as its helping me starve my loneliness.

 

Now so much has happened and iv reacted in a million different ways and said a million different things all in the space of 7 days.

I am not crazy, I am not depressed or even angry. But what I am is very selfish, I have been totally oblivious to everyone else around me, about problems life was throwing at everyone else, I was just seeing my pain and wanted the world to acknowledge my pain, not remembering other people hurt too.

I have thought about so many inappropriate actions recently, I even actioned one last night, why? I wanted to experience the pain a loved one was in, I can’t explain why. Our brains are very complex things and trying to explain and understand them sometimes brings on a whole new level that not many humans will ever understand.

I have been through a lot in my life, admittedly more than many people should ever have to experience, this making me see stuff at times completely different to reality. I am a very caring person maybe what I see as caring others see as controlling, my brain sometimes takes too long to recognise this even when told.

I don’t hate me though, I don’t hate the guy I am. I do however hate the way my brain tricks me to think different to how I want too. For the last 7days I have totally lost a grip of my personal identity, in fact to be honest the last 3 or 4 months I gave up on myself to care for a loved one, I now acknowledged this was a very bad and stupid move. However, in the situation you follow your gut and my gut thinks one thing, that’s pure worry.

I can’t say I have a light bulb moment because that would be insulting myself, I have had a wakeup call a reminder of life of me of my ex-partner of everything…people grieve in mysterious ways. But we always need to remember we can make mistakes we can make them over and over again but we can also be ourselves at the end of it, when we act ourselves we shine we enjoy our glow and to be fair people around enjoy that person more, we should never try too hard for anyone or anything we should attempt things but never alter from being us don’t lose your identity.

I read a card wishing me luck in my next job from a few years ago, people had described this incredible person so relaxed so chilled, clearly very popular… and the reason was I didn’t try to be anyone while there I was just me… it is so simple.

 

To those of you I have hurt I am sorry, I don’t love you any less than I ever did I have spent too much time thinking about myself, dwelling on things, I was simply living the nightmare I had going on in my head which I had made for myself. I am sorry the way my emotions took over my identity as they made a life for them self and that I subsequently let them negatives cause pain to you. This is mainly aimed at one girl this statement but also aimed at everyone else I have communicated with during this very emotional time.

Apologies are not always acceptable and this scenario I don’t believe a sorry is surfice however, as humans and decent ones at that it is our responsibility to stand up for our actions and this is exactly what I am doing here.

 

Life is a Hugh roller coaster but it’s important while the journey continues we keep our shit together as we are never completely sure where the tracks heading.

 

Thanks for reading guys and girls 😊 Jamie

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.

Need to let it out 

So I can’t sleep. Iv been wake since 7am yesterday. I’m stressed out.

I’m in bed and I can’t stop crying, I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to think I just wanna cry and scream, I need a cuddle from the one I can’t. 

I feel like such a failure I can’t explain to anyone the pain I’m in…I’m lost I have no where to turn no one to turn to no one who understands no one who cares Iv tried help from everyone in last 24 hours, I even tried my dad who I hate …I just don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m just laying here a complete wreck and no body seems to care.

I hate myself so much right now I hate me I hate I hate me, why am I such a failure why do I mess everything up why? I’m such an idiot? 

I’m sorry I don’t make much sense but I’m going crazy I need to blog. Please don’t take any of this wrong way anyone…I need to vent and don’t have anyone to vent too 
What happened to my perfect life 😢

Living hell 

Right now me and my girlfriend are going through hell.She has been admitted to hospital full time an hour and a half away from home.

So she did the amazingly brave thing and decided to give hospital ago, its strict she has to eat she isn’t allowed to return to her room after she leaves it in the morning, she has to be up by 0800 and then bedtime is at 2230 she has to take part in all groups and is restricted on visiting.

She has been in now since last Monday today is day 8 and she is eatting she’s doing what they say and I can’t describe the feel it gives me I can never explain the appreciation for someone to make so much effort to want to get well to get better for her for her family for us it means so much. 

How ever the affect this place is having on her mentally is unbearable, she is so depressed, she cuts her self regular, she won’t talk to staff, patients. She won’t do anything and keeps telling me she wants to runaway she wants to die.

Then it’s straining our relationship, she’s very snappy at me, we argued loads lately about nothing at all, everything I say is miss interpreted, but she’s struggling so bad now she’s being to not wanna talk to me either she’s lost motivation she worry we’re going to argue when in fact we weren’t arguing she thinks I’m mad at her all the time when I’m not in slightest.

I spend all day worrying about her every second I think of her she’s my girlfriend and I love her to bits we have been through a lot even before this illness and we always come out the other side but she’s my best friend and girlfriend in one so it’s doubly difficult to sit back and watch your loved one fall apart and you can’t do anything. It’s got so bad I thought about cutting myself not to hurt me but to see why she does it, maybe it can comfort me in these bad times?? I don’t know.

Tonight she ran away and took an overdose my beautiful girl wanted to die, this breaks my heart. I intend to marry this girl yet tonight she wanted to die. It’s hard. I drove a long way to see her I seen her for 20mins and she didn’t wanna talk she couldn’t look at me she was just starring at her feet she’s didn’t wanna talk about anything she still thinks I’m mad she thinks she running my life…. she looks like Aimee but doesn’t act like Aimee she really didn’t look bothered to see me, I know deep down she didn’t mean it bad it’s just depression I get it Iv had it bad too.

Just not sure how to tell her I love her I’m not ever angry I just wanna help, when ya in love with someone you wanna do all you can to help she can never do wrong she’s not a burden she’s my girl it’s was I’m here for good and bad times. We will come out the other end here it’s just soooo difficult ATM so difficult….I just want her back and healthy.