I wake up every single day, an I think about this girl I look to my emails to see if she has blogged so I can read how she’s getting on.Every blog gets to me, I read how sad she is and her struggles I also read her happiness and success every blog decides my mood.
Every time I walk into my room I expect to see her sitting on my bed, eating pick and mix or pouring disarno and Diet Coke.
I still find hair clips in my room and my car and think about the amount of requests to play with her hair lol
I drive my car and sing to myself and think all the times we used to sing to each other in the car and dance to the songs.
I sit in my kitchen and wait for her to get millions of ingredients out and we bake anything together for fun.
I sit in my garden and remember us laying in the sun together and laying out side at night and watching the stars.
I drive though the high street and see our favoured pubs we would stumble home from.
I close my eyes and I see her every time, her smell or beautiful smile and remember many many times of laughter, times of joy and difficult times we hold each other’s hands and make it through.
I miss this very special girl every single day, I miss her being a part of my life as I read all I mentioned above Iv described my best friend.
Now I know she didn’t finish with me for being sick she just never did love me, I feel my feelings aren’t allowed, I shouldn’t have feel like this towards a girl who didn’t like me. I can’t date anyone else because I just can’t do it….I stupidly believed I was going to marry her even now I can’t hate her, everyone says I should I believe I should but I can’t I still adore her after everything.
But now she’s dating from hospital, it’s the worst rejection ever, regardless of what Iv done for her if a stranger is worth more a gamble then me even while she’s in hospital what does that say about me? I must have been awful.
If a stranger is better for her then me, it makes me look at myself and think how could it get any worse.
All the above memories mean nothing as she thinks she get better from anyone else, I guess she’s right I’m awful, I always knew I wasn’t good enough for her.
I can’t describe the way my heart feels right now, I was gutted when she finished it but right now I’m completely heart broken.
I broke down in tears driving away from her house this week after delivering her stuff to hers never did I imagine she was out dating someone else already.
I feel like such a mug, I can’t believe how awful a boyfriend I must have been when this is a better option.
This doesn’t feel real, my whole life feels like a tv program someone is gonna jump out and shout I got you soon.
My hearts absolute broken.