It’s getting harder to cope

How have I got into this hole?
Where is the ladder out? 
I’m crying as I write this, Iv blood on my pillow and my arms soar…why am I doing this 😢😢😢 

I was supposed to go out but I can’t leave the house 😢😢
I got ready to go out and didn’t wanna, so Iv sat in bed and cut the edge of my razor the have just a blade on it, I cut my arm the other day but high up out the way…this time it’s visible 😢😢 why why am I doing this 😢
I have tried talking to my only friend and she doesn’t get it so I’m keeping it all to myself, im so lost atm I don’t anything I’m not bothered by anything and I feel so lonely yet weirdly I’m always getting offers to go out but I’m not interested by any of them 😢
I don’t understand how this has happened again the last two weeks are worse then ever 😢
How did my perfect life turn to this hell 

London thinking 

Lots to think about choices to make where better to think then London, currently attempting to be a tourist on my own. Very bizarre feeling but comfort zones need pushing. Embankment is a crazy place lol
I have people in my head people go don’t listen to me people who wanna be in my life people I can’t have in my life and people who read situations wrongly.
There’s so much but also so little at the same time. I’m scarred bumping into her while here too petrified.
Iv been bullied, beaten and all sorts yet never has anyone hated me so much, it’s a feeling I abso hate and really don’t understand what makes it worse is it’s by someone I truely loved.
My weeks seem to get worse not better 😦 

I’m dreaming right?

So I found out through Facebook earlier my dad is engaged to his younger then me girlfriend who are expecting a child soon, combine that with my ex being so close by but who still hates my guts :(Like I’m surely gonna wake up one day and realise this is a dream right?
So I meet a lass who isn’t generally my type of girl more my brothers tbh a bit to Essex for me, but is a stunning girl and really canny and for some crazy reason stupidly keen on me, someit anyone wants right…but why isn’t it enough for me, I still think constantly miss and want the only girl who hates me to bits.
I’m nervous this weekend as I know she’s home, I’m nervous for her 🙈 I read her blog and get upset when I read she’s sad…I care way to much, but why?? This girl hates my guts she treats me like a bit of rubbish…so why can’t I hate her? 
This weekend is a struggle, I have full on flu I’m now on nights too but we are to short for me to call in sick. Just wondering what ever is next for me???? 
I could right a book, I just want a nice simple life…wish I had the life I imagined not this comedy show lol
Hope everyone is enjoying there weekend

A day with anxiety 

Waking up everyday more tired then when you go to bed. Sleepless nights looking through your phone looking at other lives and see how people are married, engaged and have kids and houses, everyone else is happy happy Happy.I get up and stare into space and forget basic life skills making a drink with out spilling it or collecting lunch for work I forget because my brain is thinking and thinking about anything and everything it’s obsessed with thinking.

People ignore you, someone doesn’t text you back or you’ve a reminder your single and you think why why what did I do what did I say why me, your brain goes round and round and round.

You imagine your ex is happy out and about your fiends are making plans with out you your family are avoiding you.

You begin to lose interest in everything work becomes a chore, eatting is a chore life it’s self is a chore your to tired.

Your brain is constantly thinking how to improve you keep telling your self why this is happening why that happened how you can fix it, who can help you fix.

You try and date as that’s the answer not releasing it makes it worse, you can smile and it’s gone you can get compliments and your fixed…..then ya alone and your brains back your back in this world your the failure again social media is happy happy happy, you add Instagram and Facebook pics to see likes to feel some love we blog random stuff to see if people care, we tx people to see if they care.

One person cares and we jump on there caring side we love them we adore them but how long will it last do we really?

We lose weight with stress and lack of food, we loose friends with negative behaviour we lose our jobs maybe our loved ones we lose everything apart from the thoughts the thoughts never stop.

Then you do get a few hours sleep before starting all over again tomorrow.

This ladies and gentleman boys and girls is what I go through every single day, to the outside world this is crazy and extreme but I reality to me and many others this is life and this anxiety.

Lying in bed very poorly, but watched a video that inspired me to describe what it’s like every day for me and many others.
Enjoy your weekend everyone 😄

💔💔💔

I wake up every single day, an I think about this girl I look to my emails to see if she has blogged so I can read how she’s getting on.Every blog gets to me, I read how sad she is and her struggles I also read her happiness and success every blog decides my mood.

Every time I walk into my room I expect to see her sitting on my bed, eating pick and mix or pouring disarno and Diet Coke.

I still find hair clips in my room and my car and think about the amount of requests to play with her hair lol 

I drive my car and sing to myself and think all the times we used to sing to each other in the car and dance to the songs.

I sit in my kitchen and wait for her to get millions of ingredients out and we bake anything together for fun.

I sit in my garden and remember us laying in the sun together and laying out side at night and watching the stars.

I drive though the high street and see our favoured pubs we would stumble home from.

I close my eyes and I see her every time, her smell or beautiful smile and remember many many times of laughter, times of joy and difficult times we hold each other’s hands and make it through.

I miss this very special girl every single day, I miss her being a part of my life as I read all I mentioned above Iv described my best friend.
Now I know she didn’t finish with me for being sick she just never did love me, I feel my feelings aren’t allowed, I shouldn’t have feel like this towards a girl who didn’t like me. I can’t date anyone else because I just can’t do it….I stupidly believed I was going to marry her even now I can’t hate her, everyone says I should I believe I should but I can’t I still adore her after everything.
But now she’s dating from hospital, it’s the worst rejection ever, regardless of what Iv done for her if a stranger is worth more a gamble then me even while she’s in hospital what does that say about me? I must have been awful. 

If a stranger is better for her then me, it makes me look at myself and think how could it get any worse.
All the above memories mean nothing as she thinks she get better from anyone else, I guess she’s right I’m awful, I always knew I wasn’t good enough for her.
I can’t describe the way my heart feels right now, I was gutted when she finished it but right now I’m completely heart broken.
I broke down in tears driving away from her house this week after delivering her stuff to hers never did I imagine she was out dating someone else already.
I feel like such a mug, I can’t believe how awful a boyfriend I must have been when this is a better option.
This doesn’t feel real, my whole life feels like a tv program someone is gonna jump out and shout I got you soon.
My hearts absolute broken.

Torture – it’s me 

I can’t deal with what I’m reading I can’t believe what I’m reading.
It has to be me, what is so wrong with me?
You must be awful when it’s so easy to hurt me and seems so much fun to hear what a mess I am.

You must be awful when dating in hospital is a better option then you remaining in there life after everything you been through.
When we made a year she said our rollercoaster had stopped didn’t realise she would be wrong and it’s just got worse.
I just can’t stand myself for finding out how awful a person I must be, I tried everything to be a feiend a boyfriend or even just a human and I’m the peace of rubbish she describes she threw me away in the bin!!! Am just kicks me about here an there 😦

Iv already thrown my dinner in the bin, wanted to call in sick for work I’m here and can’t be bothered yet have a very important flight plan to do 😦 

I have zero idea why any of this is happening????
Someone tell me why???? What have I done?

I’m gonna die a lonely guy 😢 just wish it

Would hurry up!!

My day :( 

A can’t explain today
My dads house was set on fire, I haven’t got the balls to go see him I can’t bring myself to see him.
I won £200 on football and just not even blinked at it at all.
An now….Iv just had my heart smashed into a million peaces the girl I miss, is dating while in a hospital.
She broke up with me because she was ill, Iv just learnt it was lie 😢
Literally what is happening, how did my life change so much ☹️
I’m scarred what this is gonna do to me, instantly depressed and now I have work ☹️ I can’t take anymore.
Why do I deserve this?