Time to go home

So it’s come to an end, I began this 12 days a complete and utter state and as it continued it got worse. I spent along time asleep 🙈 I don’t really cry anymore…not saying I didn’t on Monday lol or a little one today hahahaha 

I have began to eat again which I was warned against, but trust me I am more then aware. Iv made myself rather poorly though and a visit to the doctor is required lol 

But after starving myself, tears and tears, anger, isolation from the world and everyone, after cutting my arms, visit to the hospital oh an reading and reading an reading lol I didn’t even know I could read lol

It’s time to return home, I am seriously nervous I’m nervous to see my family I’m nervous to be back in my room I hate being in my own room with a passion, there’s many many feelings going through my mind.

Why though it’s my family home why am I nervous to be at my own home??? Then it’s back to work Sunday too…so much of back to reality I’m very nervous it sounds crazy I know.
I’m not really sure I guess just the memories and stuff. Iv avoided making contact with people and all sorts so interaction is scary too lol 

But all this aside, I am standing on my own two feet I’m a very focused again, I’m back in control am moving in the correct direction.

It’s been F***** mental to be honest, this has all come from no where at all, I should be at home now and was planning a future with my girlfriend, instead I don’t know how she’s getting on, she has blocked me on everything, her family hate me, I’m not sure if I’m gonna pass my probation at work due time off, I’m in serious pain a lot of the time due to destroying my body, Iv been reminded of my violent abusive childhood and I have to get my head around my dad having a baby with a girl younger then me, I have constant nightmares now and flash backs of stuff with him and my ex…but ya know what I am Jamie, bring it onn!!! 
I am in this alone now, Jamie against the world…tomorrow is the beginning of it all time to show all Iv been through this last couple weeks.
Thanks to everyone who has helped me supported me and helped me help myself.
I’m back!

I learnt a theory today about positive energy, have you ever wondered why if you think about someone they normally appear on your social media or they call you or when you buy a new car you start seeing that car everywhere. Well it’s due to it being a positive thought actually attracts us to that actual thought.

Gone to far

This has gone to far….
So I have been told I shouldn’t blog, I will be sued for expressing my inner thoughts.blogging is to be able express what you think and how you feel your are encouraged to speak out loud but I’m told I can’t can’t say what I think.

My posts are about my life my situation nothing is aimed at anyone at all. It’s what helps me.

But I am to blame for all this, my words are killing people, my confusion my being lost is me causing trouble.

There a situation here that has got so far out of hand it untrue, it kinda turned my life upside down…but again it’s my fault. The situation is I mess up, I’m jamie I mess up I’m human I hold my hands up I’m far from perfect I mess up, I have spent my life the last four months helping a mentally ill person because I loved them, it affects you my whole life changed over night everything changed this was no ones fault it’s life I choose to be part of it. But it put me on edge I didn’t want this person to die, I wanted to do all in my power to help them and that I did. My friends told me last night I shouldn’t not be ashamed I should be proud of what I did not many would… an no one else was willing too. 

But I did everything I could, but I don’t feel proud, I’m sad I’m told I’m killing her now I’m stopping recovery…. because of hurt, confusion, sadness. I told my friends last night I no longer care about life Iv thought before some stupid stuff but I literally don’t care anymore, I haven’t eatten a meal in coming up for 3 weeks I got told I’m looking ill but ya not what I’m pleased I wanna punish myself, people txing me an having a go at me agree with it all, so I wanna punish more. 

My words aren’t angry at people, it’s confusion. Our brain consists of questions and when stuff isn’t answered you make the answers….but we shouldn’t be punished for this.

This whole situation has got out of hand and made so much more then needed to be.

I am blogging because i neee to!

My new life 

So life has twisted and turned more times then……then a bottle top ( that took some time) haha

I have broke down in tears more times then I can remember, I haven’t eatten a full meal since last Thursday (very angry at this) Iv done nothing but sit in my room both here an Newcastle. 

My realtiionship with my very sick (poorly) girlfriend ended, I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my future all over night. I had even found the ring. I had told my mhm about it. But my partner was so ill she was slowly killing her self  and just didn’t want anything to do with me, I just stopped life…. I popped 48 pills last week and tipped into my disarno and coke. I can’t stop txing her I hate myself for it I get I can’t leave her alone I can’t stop thinking about her, why? Why can’t I stop being a fool. I hate myself every time I do it, Iv started to hate myself. I tried slitting my wrist with some glass last week. To top it off I broke down to one of my “crew” today told him how much I missed her and how I hated my reaction he told me I’m brave I’m doing better then he would….he then died in an accident this afternoon.  I can’t explain how that’s made me feel, I feel awful. Iv tried turning to her I hurt in anger in confusion…again she said nothing and it makes me so disappointed in me.

I still love her to the moon and back, so why am I being such an idiot about it? The girls poorly for god sake? 

I just can’t stop wracking my brains for what I did wrong and I guess il never stop what’s wrong with me? I just wanna be happy 😦 

My head….

So it’s been a rollacoaster ride this week.

I have discovered a few things but they main thing being my inner strength, I actually do have control of my life which is fantastic.

Some scenarios were put infront of me which I would have crumbled but instantly turned to fix instead of delaying. Already feeling the benifits.

I’m in a weird situion and unfortunately for reasons I can’t explain, it’s weird. My life has taken a hugh U turn and everybody seems to be telling me I don’t need to worry and this that and the other but I feel it this time this is new this is different.

Iv come back home tonight and I don’t wanna talk with anyone I’m not annoyed I just don’t wanna talk, I just wanna pack my stuff and leave…. is that brave or is that silly? I have my notice written and ready…I thought about it before but never so seriously….is this right? Is this time? Is this silly? Should I be patient? I have millions of that going around my head. 

I cried today…..no just a tear or two, full on gut wrenching tears no one was in so screamed it as I cried (I scarred the dog) I kinda scarred myself I’d been so calm cool and collective till earlier, I was feeling the pain the my chest soar my head hurting and uncontrollable tears…I was hurting and unfortunately had no one to support me this time, no one to cuddle me no one to tell all was okay…think these tears had been building up… but I must admit I didn’t like it at all.

When do you stop following your heart? When do you follow your head? What about when the two say the same as everyone but you? 

But I’m in control, I’m in control of me…I doing the right stuff, so why? And why am I neglecting me too??? A lay down last night in bed at 0200 I don’t sleep, an I felt content I had said good bye to my house mate and something I was watching….I woundered if I had said goodbye to everyone and maybe felt this was my time? I didn’t ever wanna argue again with people, I didn’t really care about anything I just….done, happy Iv done what ever. But I’m not suicdale like I say I’m fine, for once belive it or not!!! 
I can’t explain anything….it’s all mashed up

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.

Switch on 

….so Iv decided I can no longer struggle because my girlfriend is struggling. I need to respect her feelings and thoughts.

I want to marry this young lady and I hold my promise. But the day I do I will read vows that say I will protect honour and obey her what’s the point if I can’t do that now.

This is a tough time for me for everyone and mainly for her…it’s time I shower her I love her.
I had a light bulb moment once and changed my life …. so Iv switched it again 

Need to let it out 

So I can’t sleep. Iv been wake since 7am yesterday. I’m stressed out.

I’m in bed and I can’t stop crying, I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to think I just wanna cry and scream, I need a cuddle from the one I can’t. 

I feel like such a failure I can’t explain to anyone the pain I’m in…I’m lost I have no where to turn no one to turn to no one who understands no one who cares Iv tried help from everyone in last 24 hours, I even tried my dad who I hate …I just don’t know what I’m gonna do, I’m just laying here a complete wreck and no body seems to care.

I hate myself so much right now I hate me I hate I hate me, why am I such a failure why do I mess everything up why? I’m such an idiot? 

I’m sorry I don’t make much sense but I’m going crazy I need to blog. Please don’t take any of this wrong way anyone…I need to vent and don’t have anyone to vent too 
What happened to my perfect life 😢