I don’t hate my past as she calls me. Today was brewing into an argument and part me wanted it this conversation has been needed for exactly 4/5 months… how ever we don’t need anymore arguments. I’m not allowed to talk to her at present at her request. But she reads my blog so I was gonna delete it and start a fresh…however Iv decided something else, I’m gonna blog for me to show her…she maybe doesn’t care in my head but I know she does just it’s a little easier for her then me to hide.So I have decided I want to make some changes in my life style and I would like to blog about them every other day I want to try and experience or do something new. I’m maybe gonna cut the online dating it’s not helping tbh, I am trying to replace someone I don’t want to be replaced.
So I intend to blog my changes my challenges, I intend not to blog about the past if possible i defiantly won’t blog about the past person in a negative way. Maybe il never get to see her again, however If I love her like I say I do I will do as she says and even make myself into a better version of me, I clearly have the potential as people like me maybe it’s time I tried to like me too!
Sorry to my friends, my family, my colleges and most of all…her.
Don’t blog to moan about me, don’t judge me, don’t write me off for ever and mainly remember Iv been through the same hell just I didn’t get the support others have.
This is my challenge I want to share with you guys.

Back to square one again 

Today’s been the worst ever. I’m already feeling rubbish about State me.Today’s pushed me over the edge I’m not trying cause hassle I’m not trying to begin a row all I want is to be normal like people act!! Why this time I don’t know.

But it’s destroyed me words and killing me atm, my dinner went in the bin Iv came home and won’t eat now can’t be bothered to go for a run and now am thinking about getting razor out the draw to hurt myself.
I’m sick of this mood 😢
Why is it so hard to be civil 😢
I can’t take much more, an I can’t just vanish 😦 
I’m so unhappy again 😦 the one person who can help doesn’t wanna help me 😦 

Painting the pic

Brunette, stunning eyes, beautiful smile and the best wittiest personality I ever know.She has the heart bigger then one of my aircrafts, she cares to much what people say and what people do.

She had been treated bad by people family friends, life’s not a competition but she’s been treat like second best when in fact she is the best. She is hard working and put everything into everything. She is the greatest baker ever I never ate anything I didn’t like, she’s an amazing cook. She is the best girlfriend I ever had she was constantly thinking about me the small things she remembered the strength she showed and the support she gave.
I am so heart broken and my family so gutted because we all adored the human she is, I miss her smile every single second.
I don’t blame, I have answered questions that’s all I have a broken heart that can’t get an answer there are so many feelings but feelings and facts are not the same.
So I get out my paint brush and I tell the world that she is the most incredible human being I ever meet!!!!

The moment when

Last week I made a girl cry, I made her cry because she told me I was amazing I had made her smile and how I was one the greatest people she has ever meet…I said well I can’t be because right now there’s only one girl I can still only think about.I told her I was the guy I’m painted to be on blogs I failed and am still failing my ex girlfriend.

I made her cry, I’m about to make another cry who says she’s falling for me…but all I can think of is someone who hates me and then to top it off the one I do love I make her cry too.
I cried last night because I’m sick, I weigh 2pounds more then an anorexic I have had flu for 5 weeks now I can’t run with out being sick I don’t sleep yet I am constantly tired, last night it upset me I let someone make me feel so ill it’s affecting my everyday life, how am I ever gonna do the marathon in this state. 
But unfortunately my words were carried away my emotions were carried away.
I repeat myself over and over and over…now it’s my memories everything I do reminds me of you Aimee, I have been smiling about the memories but I now feel they were all fake the dreams were made up the everything wasn’t real, the only things that seem real is the hospital image I see the visits to A & E the holding hands at the eating clinics the mental health ward this is stuff I remember but no one else does. I read how people don’t talk to her because she tells them she’s ill, no body else in the world would have done what I did yet I am nothing not a thought not a care I’m a nothing. 
I do feel used so do my family, but I’m not allowed to explain it, my mum took her in loved her to peace’s my brother drove her about, we did everything to her yeti don’t deserve not even an adult conversation.
I have been used a blame tool in an illness I’m not responsible for, it’s easy to blame me for food and mental health when really it’s not true. I am not the evil person Iv have made out to be all this is because I cared I cared when she was in hospital when no one else did I did because I loved her I wanted to protect her not rule her yet it’s been twisted and even now I have to ignore her but I can’t why you ask… because I care still because this doesn’t make sense it’s like a movie…yet not a single person can see it from my point of view.
Now visualise this, you love someone so much you want to marry them, you think about them every single day every morning you smile to wake up next to them, you change you whole day to please them you spend all your money to see them smile and it’s not because your controlling them no it’s because you love someone, you watch them cry when there sick you want there illness you wanna take a bullet just to see them smile, you kiss them goodbye and spend a day worrying about there first day not knowing that the kiss was the last you will ever see of her again and last proper conversation. Then your hated your alone you have nothing but a tx saying they feel nothing, then the family turn on you too they blame you, your used to tell the hospital its your fault,friends turn too they agree it’s a good excuse. Before you know you’ve lost everything you try to understand you try to talk but nothing some abuse maybe that’s all, you don’t understand she loved me why now this. It’s constant you go over an over it you blame your self it must be my fault, you hurt yourself you punish yourself you read every book available as your such an awful person. The blogs continue and all your blogs on thoughts are bait to another picture a black one this evil person. You try so hard but no one sees what it’s like on this side, I’m not in hospital so its simple I should just go on dates get a new girlfriend simple…but it’s not because she wasn’t a one night bit fun, she wasn’t a trophy girl she was perfection she was perfect for me, I thought she was my future bride. I cry and I Blog about struggling and I’m told I’m wallowing!!! The feeling I get when I know strangers are more important then me the guy who dragged her to A&E all them months ago, if a new guy msgs on pof it’s more important then me, I would do it all again tomorrow for her and it annoys me I love her yet why am I such a door mat.
I don’t understand how I went from thinking about my wedding day to praying for my funeral.
I just wanna talk like normal adults about rain anything tbh but no 😢
I don’t paint a bad picture she’s unreal incredible I could continue but none of them will describe her, I can’t explain what my heart does when it sees her i can’t explain how much I miss her.
This is a mess and I have to wake up soon surely

Showing love

I was told if I loved her I would leave her alone…I loved her more then anything in the world so I’m doing it.

Tough but if it’s the only way I can show her how then it’s all I can do. 

How ever, things have changed. I’m not in a stupid mood, I don’t wallow anymore I’m sick of acting a victim life’s shit stuff happens deal with it so I am. I have some flying exams coming up Iv saved loads from all my hard work so I’m about to finish it off now 🙂 I do however keep getting poorly all the time I actually have no voice atm which makes work interesting lol 

Iv Run two 4.5 mile runs this week, having a running partner who’s pushing me hard ready for the marathon I am determine to do it in style lol 

I did read a comment tonight saying I miss people but I know I can’t…part me thinks that’s me, an I wanna say you can miss who you want there are zero rules in this life except the one do what you wanna do not what others tell you and there someone words that really need to be remembered.

But who am I kidding I know deep down it wasn’t aimed at me.

Anyway every enjoy your weekend 🙂 remember do what you wanna do and don’t wallow.

Two things Iv learnt 🙂
Happy blogging folks 

What a day it’s been 

What a day…
Sooo my day lol
I get a rather angry text message from a girl I took out a few times, who thinks the sun shines out my backside as much as I wish it did…it does not. I rather gently told her that she wasn’t the girl I think about…to which she reacted by going to my house lol
Luckily I was at work and she delightfully left me a bday present “to show me how special I am” ohhhh mann what have I done….not my style at all I just can’t like her not sure I can anyone right now.
I then was in the car when we had a smash straight into the centre reservation of the motorway through pure shock I found it hilarious, how ever we could have actually very easily died.
I then read a blog from her, which made me intiching to tell her well done on her bakery trial and how proud I am and that I want to give her that cuddle and tell her everything will be okay more then anything in the world…but I’m not allowed.
And then…… this happens…

I have a place in the marathon, omg it’s incredible I am the jammiest ever. How ever it was Aimee that made me apply one I will actually die and two this is somthing I link to her the good part of our relationship and somthing I dreamed we would experience together, so feeling a bit emotional.

What a rollercoaster day…think I should go to bed now lol
#mystory #notwallowing #trying #yay 

This is why, the true picture

Had to delete my last blog as…I was writing it, I got a text from a lass.
She brought me a bday present and a card, Iv known about this all week but I keep avoiding being able to see her. She says some amazing things about what she thinks of me and how I’m special, she try’s call me couple times a day…blah blah but I don’t show an interest, I’m not sure why.

Tonight she said I can’t get your attention yet a blog from Aimee does a blog that hurts you and begins you self harming yet that gets my attention more then a girl who wants to be with me…
I said she’s right, ya know what at times I hate Aimee, I think she writes stuff knowing she’s gonna upset me, she ignores me as she wants a new boyfriend that’s all….all these comments Iv heard and thought, ya know what the whole lot could be true for all I care.
But Aimee changed my life, she has a heart the size of a jumbo jet 🙈 she helped me deal with my childhood Iv never felt happy talking about it, I felt so happy confident and safe around her. She wanted to be part of my family she embraced it my family adore her even now I still get asked about her my friends too the ones o value always ask and my colleges as they knew what she did for me.

Iv painted pictures of a mean person at times, maybe she hasn’t reacted the right way maybe her family didn’t either but then I didn’t either, but none of any of that matters, I witnessed for months every single part of anorexia, I seen what affect it has on the brain, on the body, on loved ones it affected us all, but it affected this beautiful girl, it stole her identity it stole her body it stole her mind and it stole her life. No body in the world done anything wrong everybody did there best herself, my self her brother her parents everyone. But it’s not an illness you can take pills for it’s and illness that the more you fight it the harder it is but no fight and you get no results it will be a part of her life for ever…but it’s just a tiny peace of a girl who has so much to give.

I have cried, I done stupid things to kill myself hurt myself. I do feel responsible but that’s my mentality.
But a picture needs to be painted of a true angel, I will never ever forget her… I had the experience of my life with this girl. I would literally have taken the illness off of her if I could and still would.
I’d love to buy her a coffee now tell her I’m sorry. I wanna shake her brothers hand and apologise for being a tool I wanna shake her dads hand and thank him for raising someone who will be the best memory of my life.
For all the crazy people on her dating site they are all missing a true gem!!! Perfection one guy will marry her one day and he will live my dream. But I had my chance and anorexia won.
I made so many mistakes on this journey but they are remembered none of the good things I did.
But I mean no harm, I miss her everyday no one will ever compare to her, but she hates me because I didn’t just walk away…but you don’t when you love someone. Never tell anyone you wanna spend rest your life with them if you literally wouldn’t do everything in your body to try not to lose them when you lose everything around you and your dignity.

It’s a once in a life time feeling…I was always gonna fight.
Anyway bday over now… feels better. Even tho we went away a year ago today lol 
Keep battling your own battle, it’s doesn’t need to be a disease or a visual illness everyone has a battle never judge anyone else’s.
#mybattle #missmylife #cantwallow y