I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

Living hell 

Right now me and my girlfriend are going through hell.She has been admitted to hospital full time an hour and a half away from home.

So she did the amazingly brave thing and decided to give hospital ago, its strict she has to eat she isn’t allowed to return to her room after she leaves it in the morning, she has to be up by 0800 and then bedtime is at 2230 she has to take part in all groups and is restricted on visiting.

She has been in now since last Monday today is day 8 and she is eatting she’s doing what they say and I can’t describe the feel it gives me I can never explain the appreciation for someone to make so much effort to want to get well to get better for her for her family for us it means so much. 

How ever the affect this place is having on her mentally is unbearable, she is so depressed, she cuts her self regular, she won’t talk to staff, patients. She won’t do anything and keeps telling me she wants to runaway she wants to die.

Then it’s straining our relationship, she’s very snappy at me, we argued loads lately about nothing at all, everything I say is miss interpreted, but she’s struggling so bad now she’s being to not wanna talk to me either she’s lost motivation she worry we’re going to argue when in fact we weren’t arguing she thinks I’m mad at her all the time when I’m not in slightest.

I spend all day worrying about her every second I think of her she’s my girlfriend and I love her to bits we have been through a lot even before this illness and we always come out the other side but she’s my best friend and girlfriend in one so it’s doubly difficult to sit back and watch your loved one fall apart and you can’t do anything. It’s got so bad I thought about cutting myself not to hurt me but to see why she does it, maybe it can comfort me in these bad times?? I don’t know.

Tonight she ran away and took an overdose my beautiful girl wanted to die, this breaks my heart. I intend to marry this girl yet tonight she wanted to die. It’s hard. I drove a long way to see her I seen her for 20mins and she didn’t wanna talk she couldn’t look at me she was just starring at her feet she’s didn’t wanna talk about anything she still thinks I’m mad she thinks she running my life…. she looks like Aimee but doesn’t act like Aimee she really didn’t look bothered to see me, I know deep down she didn’t mean it bad it’s just depression I get it Iv had it bad too.

Just not sure how to tell her I love her I’m not ever angry I just wanna help, when ya in love with someone you wanna do all you can to help she can never do wrong she’s not a burden she’s my girl it’s was I’m here for good and bad times. We will come out the other end here it’s just soooo difficult ATM so difficult….I just want her back and healthy.

#day 4 A happy memory

Okay this is an odd one as this is going to be my birthday weekend, it’s weird because I was dreading hitting 30.

How ever I was well and truely spoilt, my birthday consisisted of being spoilt and made to feel very special something I’m very much not used too why it remains.

So presents a side someone had decorated the place, brought me a couple cupcakes with candles…I’d not had a birthday cake ever before I don’t think. I was then taken out for dinner and spent a night with my at the time girlfriend, and all my mates and I loved it… even more so because it was awkward for my lass but she continued to ignore it 🙂 I felt special.

I was then taken away to a beautiful part of the country and remember the long country walk (very long) by the river then getting dressed up for our 3 course meal just us the restaurant lol then we went back and sat on our balcony in the dark wearing all the layers in the world having a drink and a cuddle was amazing.

Then the next day went and did segwaying was a good experience I loved it…. but for me it was for 3 days I was made to be the most important person in the world was the best feeling ever. 
🙂 

Dropped

So another twist in my life, so yesterday she tells me she’s on a date Friday to which I’m like ok, I don’t like because his using her for one thing and I care about her.She takes my quiet response and blames her self saying she’s messed up etc to which I stupidly reply, you can’t mess I up l like you as in “like you”

After I said it was like damm your be freaked out now, il leave you alone because I can’t deal with the awkwardness and the way it will have ruined everything.

To which she totally just stopped talking to me no good bye nothing ignored all my tx my call the lost which is crazy.

So she did reply this morning saying we can’t be intimate anymore to which I accept but naturally want to discover why which turns into all sorts of nothing basically.

I’m blamed now because it’s all over us not being physical which it isn’t, I just don’t wanna lose the connection we have.

She is now not really talking with me and cancelled all our plans for the weekend….I’m totally confused.

This is all my fault she’s making out 😢 I don’t get it I just tried to be nice that’s all, an Iv been completely dropped but if I mention that I’m wrong again.

I don’t get why she hates me this much to be like this to me, Iv been there for all loads recently and now she’s got a better offer I’m no longer required I don’t understand it, what so wrong with me? Why does every not care about me? All I want in the world is for anyone to give a damm? But I’m nothing to no one… just that idiot 

Hating someone 

I don’t blame anyone apart from me…
Last night after messing stuff up again, I wanted to give up. I’m sick a tired of someone to the point I can’t stand them…that isn’t me.

The hatred I have towards them is unreal, there smell, there way with words, every associated with them I absolutely hate with a passion just their name is enough.

I watch them upset someone special to me, stupid things but it’s enough to maker that special one annoyed upset and hate this person too, she’s lovely though and says she doesn’t but he knows that we both hate him, not number one in anboodys life because the way he fails so all the time, now I know this is terrible to we should support this person but there is only so much guidance until you realise there just pathetic, the look of them, there social media input, the car they drive if I see another I’m like grrrrr reminds me of him, certainly places associated with them it makes me angry, I wanna see them suffer for being so useless to everyone else.

I got asked what do you wanna do, I said I could and want to kill them…..but the problem is this person I hate, it’s me!!
So how do you get rid of you, out of your own life?

My Loneliness 

Loneliness to me is not sitting in the corner on your own or hiding away from the world, it’s about feeling as though the world has been put on fast forward and everything and everyone is rushing around but because your not fast enough you don’t see it properly no body stops, everyone just continues there journey, best you can pray for is someone trips over you, but even then you have to apologise.

So having a massive group of friends spread over the country sounds great how can you be lonely right? Social media people make you seem like a ledgend they look up at your achievements they like your posts they tell you how much they miss you and remind of good times…

But why just good times?Who’s there when I come home at night after a bad day at work? Who thinks on xmas day oh I must say happy xmas to them? Who thinks il go out of my way to check how there doing? 

I lay in bed recently and smelt the perfume of a special young lady in life, yet I lay an smelt it and think about her then I think about my friends and I pray she would be there holding my hand or my friends calling to say hi, I also think of everything Iv done recently and realise I made all them occasions happen no one actually went out there way for me….. but it happens and you realise to everyone your just a option or a back up your not actually a selection anybody has made…. but they appreciate you being a MUG.
Iv also learnt that being nice doesn’t pay, you go out your way to make someone feel special do anything and everything to make there day…yet your not important you a time passer, a moment, your not special…yet your loneliness tells you it’s okay this is all you have, deal with it.
So I remain like an ant in a desert there’s nothing around, nothing, no one, if cry no one sees it, if I scream no one hears, if I ask for help no one cares, but if I make a mistake everyone hears, this makes me wonder what’s the point?
Do I really have to continue? No one would care… no one would notice