Not much left 

Today was weird.
But I can’t take any more, I cancelled my date tonight. I’m gone. My minds gone.

The last week or two have been right back to square one, seeing her online dating has pushed me over the edge.

I can’t bare it intact.

I have been blogging again just speaking my thoughts and they back fire she calls me the past and how I paint a picture of a bitch….she has no idea the picture I paint of her. I point out everything yeah it comes across bad it is the truth but it’s not the picture I can paint.

I read how she so lonely she talks anyone and how she wants this that and the other and I know it’s not what she wants and it’s probs to hurt me even more but it does it kills me. I sat in Hyde park today it was packed but I just starred into space feeling lost I am lost, Iv lost everything I ever dreamed of…for the life of me can’t think what I did 😢 I can’t stop cutting myself atm but it’s not enough, I wanted to drive into a lorry on the way home or prayed the underground would crash, stepping out in the street deliberately, I ignore everyone’s calls my family, lisa my friends everyone I don’t tx anyone back Iv had enough.

I hate me, I hate what Iv done to Aimee every second of everyday I hate me, I don’t know what I did but it must have been awful and I still continue to do it, I thought I’d be spending my birthday with her instead I don’t wanna make it to 31. I hate how it’s my fault she’s ill, I hate it’s my fault she’s sad, it’s my fault she’s lonely, it’s all my fault. I wanna say sorry but even that I mess up.
I messed up in the past but was a different person I wanted to make a Mense I thought I was helping her 😦 I clearly didn’t do enough or do it good enough 😦
I hate me…no one will notice me gone!!!! I can’t carry on with this guilt it’s destroying me.
I’m sorry isn’t enough but I am 😢I’m so sorry 😢 
Will this ever end 😢 

London thinking 

Lots to think about choices to make where better to think then London, currently attempting to be a tourist on my own. Very bizarre feeling but comfort zones need pushing. Embankment is a crazy place lol
I have people in my head people go don’t listen to me people who wanna be in my life people I can’t have in my life and people who read situations wrongly.
There’s so much but also so little at the same time. I’m scarred bumping into her while here too petrified.
Iv been bullied, beaten and all sorts yet never has anyone hated me so much, it’s a feeling I abso hate and really don’t understand what makes it worse is it’s by someone I truely loved.
My weeks seem to get worse not better 😦 

A day with anxiety 

Waking up everyday more tired then when you go to bed. Sleepless nights looking through your phone looking at other lives and see how people are married, engaged and have kids and houses, everyone else is happy happy Happy.I get up and stare into space and forget basic life skills making a drink with out spilling it or collecting lunch for work I forget because my brain is thinking and thinking about anything and everything it’s obsessed with thinking.

People ignore you, someone doesn’t text you back or you’ve a reminder your single and you think why why what did I do what did I say why me, your brain goes round and round and round.

You imagine your ex is happy out and about your fiends are making plans with out you your family are avoiding you.

You begin to lose interest in everything work becomes a chore, eatting is a chore life it’s self is a chore your to tired.

Your brain is constantly thinking how to improve you keep telling your self why this is happening why that happened how you can fix it, who can help you fix.

You try and date as that’s the answer not releasing it makes it worse, you can smile and it’s gone you can get compliments and your fixed…..then ya alone and your brains back your back in this world your the failure again social media is happy happy happy, you add Instagram and Facebook pics to see likes to feel some love we blog random stuff to see if people care, we tx people to see if they care.

One person cares and we jump on there caring side we love them we adore them but how long will it last do we really?

We lose weight with stress and lack of food, we loose friends with negative behaviour we lose our jobs maybe our loved ones we lose everything apart from the thoughts the thoughts never stop.

Then you do get a few hours sleep before starting all over again tomorrow.

This ladies and gentleman boys and girls is what I go through every single day, to the outside world this is crazy and extreme but I reality to me and many others this is life and this anxiety.

Lying in bed very poorly, but watched a video that inspired me to describe what it’s like every day for me and many others.
Enjoy your weekend everyone 😄

Me

As a child, we should be loved and enjoy life like an adventure and should look forward to everyday to experience something new and gain more experience to help us in life.There was a part of my life now Which contains no memory’s at all nothing I remember well, apart from school I was lucky I was fairly popular and made lots of friends which made school life fine.

Home life was different, every morning you would not know what was next. You would awaken but wait, if I got up to toilet and it wasn’t the right time or made to much noise that would be it, I would sit in my cupboard of a room (I wasn’t allowed the full room so I had a single chair bed in a cupboard because he wanted an office) I lived my life in the cupboard, I did have a nice view tho.

When he was up and out of bed I would wait, wait for a sign that I could get up I was to scarred to leave my room on getting up, if he was on a bad mood I’d need an excuse to go to my room. He once was in such a bad mood he would just remove his slipper and hit me around the face and back as hard as he could the rubber sole became a print on my body while laying on the floor and be hit an hit an hit I would cry and just take it, wondered if acting dead would make him stop anything eventually he would stop as say go to your room. I would go to my room and could sit or lay anywhere from pain and burns even tears on my face hurt. The door would be closed and every single footstep would be an alarm please don’t come in and he would come in my room and say why are you crying you stop or il give you something to cry about. This was regular every few hours this could happen, if it wasn’t a shoe it would be a tv remote, a rolled up paper or book, it was also my crutches when I broke my leg and even had a glass hit off my head.

The point I’m making is I spent my life worried I’d upset someone living in fear and that all I wanted was to be special to someone.

I had been treated bad off ex’s before until last year I meet a girl who….made an effort for me, it began odd she wasn’t sure then did somit stupid but I forgave then we had time apart, then we ended back together when she got ill. But this was different I this time felt safe she helped move away from him in my life it changed so much for me, she battled my corner with everyone she loved being with my and was greatful for me and all I did for her, she turned to me in moments of darkness I began to feel that I had a purpose in life and it was to help someone I loved she trusted me to help her an I did I did everything maybe to much but I was repaying someone for being the first human in my life who I loved who actually made me no1 and made me feel safe.

My worry for her when she was sick was through the roof I loved this girl to the moon and back I’d actually die for her she meant that much. 

But it was to much for her she thought I was controlling I wasn’t I was just scarred for her I couldn’t lose something I dreamed of all my life by her dying.

I was jealous of a couple people who meant more to her then me all a sudden I didn’t feel needed, she didn’t trust me to do anything grown up she needed her brother to do it. Lots people treat me like an absolute idiot I am clumsy I guess.

I lost her because I was controlling 😢

Today I just think about that feeling she gave me it’s like the boy who hid in the cupboard had a girl who came and got me she took me away from the house helped me smile and enjoy my life she was the first person who genuinely cared for me made me feel special.

I don’t have anyone in this world and didn’t need anyone she was more then enough.
But now she no longer needs me she is getting on starting a new life beginning again, all she wants and needs are her brother and sister now.
I feel like the guy back in cupboard, there’s no one out side the room to worry about but I can’t get out the cupboard, I look at the window and see her out side struggling but making it down the road and all I have of her now is memory’s and pictures, that picture when I close my eyes her I close my eyes every night and think and dream of this angel.
I never missed my life so much, this time was real to me, I wanted to make her my wife I was so proud to call her my partner. I just explain why I feel like this or what I even feel. But I hate myself so much everyday I blame all of this on me.

I just wanted to explain why I worried so much and why I love her so much I’m not a bad person.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I’m just finishing the end of my 84 hour week I barely know my own name l Happy weekend people 🙂
I wanna thank everyone for all the likes and follows it makes sense a difference 🙂 

Gone to far

This has gone to far….
So I have been told I shouldn’t blog, I will be sued for expressing my inner thoughts.blogging is to be able express what you think and how you feel your are encouraged to speak out loud but I’m told I can’t can’t say what I think.

My posts are about my life my situation nothing is aimed at anyone at all. It’s what helps me.

But I am to blame for all this, my words are killing people, my confusion my being lost is me causing trouble.

There a situation here that has got so far out of hand it untrue, it kinda turned my life upside down…but again it’s my fault. The situation is I mess up, I’m jamie I mess up I’m human I hold my hands up I’m far from perfect I mess up, I have spent my life the last four months helping a mentally ill person because I loved them, it affects you my whole life changed over night everything changed this was no ones fault it’s life I choose to be part of it. But it put me on edge I didn’t want this person to die, I wanted to do all in my power to help them and that I did. My friends told me last night I shouldn’t not be ashamed I should be proud of what I did not many would… an no one else was willing too. 

But I did everything I could, but I don’t feel proud, I’m sad I’m told I’m killing her now I’m stopping recovery…. because of hurt, confusion, sadness. I told my friends last night I no longer care about life Iv thought before some stupid stuff but I literally don’t care anymore, I haven’t eatten a meal in coming up for 3 weeks I got told I’m looking ill but ya not what I’m pleased I wanna punish myself, people txing me an having a go at me agree with it all, so I wanna punish more. 

My words aren’t angry at people, it’s confusion. Our brain consists of questions and when stuff isn’t answered you make the answers….but we shouldn’t be punished for this.

This whole situation has got out of hand and made so much more then needed to be.

I am blogging because i neee to!

My new life 

So life has twisted and turned more times then……then a bottle top ( that took some time) haha

I have broke down in tears more times then I can remember, I haven’t eatten a full meal since last Thursday (very angry at this) Iv done nothing but sit in my room both here an Newcastle. 

My realtiionship with my very sick (poorly) girlfriend ended, I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my future all over night. I had even found the ring. I had told my mhm about it. But my partner was so ill she was slowly killing her self  and just didn’t want anything to do with me, I just stopped life…. I popped 48 pills last week and tipped into my disarno and coke. I can’t stop txing her I hate myself for it I get I can’t leave her alone I can’t stop thinking about her, why? Why can’t I stop being a fool. I hate myself every time I do it, Iv started to hate myself. I tried slitting my wrist with some glass last week. To top it off I broke down to one of my “crew” today told him how much I missed her and how I hated my reaction he told me I’m brave I’m doing better then he would….he then died in an accident this afternoon.  I can’t explain how that’s made me feel, I feel awful. Iv tried turning to her I hurt in anger in confusion…again she said nothing and it makes me so disappointed in me.

I still love her to the moon and back, so why am I being such an idiot about it? The girls poorly for god sake? 

I just can’t stop wracking my brains for what I did wrong and I guess il never stop what’s wrong with me? I just wanna be happy 😦 

My head….

So it’s been a rollacoaster ride this week.

I have discovered a few things but they main thing being my inner strength, I actually do have control of my life which is fantastic.

Some scenarios were put infront of me which I would have crumbled but instantly turned to fix instead of delaying. Already feeling the benifits.

I’m in a weird situion and unfortunately for reasons I can’t explain, it’s weird. My life has taken a hugh U turn and everybody seems to be telling me I don’t need to worry and this that and the other but I feel it this time this is new this is different.

Iv come back home tonight and I don’t wanna talk with anyone I’m not annoyed I just don’t wanna talk, I just wanna pack my stuff and leave…. is that brave or is that silly? I have my notice written and ready…I thought about it before but never so seriously….is this right? Is this time? Is this silly? Should I be patient? I have millions of that going around my head. 

I cried today…..no just a tear or two, full on gut wrenching tears no one was in so screamed it as I cried (I scarred the dog) I kinda scarred myself I’d been so calm cool and collective till earlier, I was feeling the pain the my chest soar my head hurting and uncontrollable tears…I was hurting and unfortunately had no one to support me this time, no one to cuddle me no one to tell all was okay…think these tears had been building up… but I must admit I didn’t like it at all.

When do you stop following your heart? When do you follow your head? What about when the two say the same as everyone but you? 

But I’m in control, I’m in control of me…I doing the right stuff, so why? And why am I neglecting me too??? A lay down last night in bed at 0200 I don’t sleep, an I felt content I had said good bye to my house mate and something I was watching….I woundered if I had said goodbye to everyone and maybe felt this was my time? I didn’t ever wanna argue again with people, I didn’t really care about anything I just….done, happy Iv done what ever. But I’m not suicdale like I say I’m fine, for once belive it or not!!! 
I can’t explain anything….it’s all mashed up