Thanks and broken silence 

So it’s time to break my silence.First of all thank you to people and even the email from WordPress concerned about a previous blog I wrote, I am fine.
I decided to take time, spend sometime with myself. Which ultimately has proved to be vital 🙂
The last time I blogged things turned bad pressure from life and work and people had done it, finally got pushed to the edge I was adamant I was killing myself I didn’t want to spend another day blaming myself for someone else I spent a while hearing their words.
I was taught a trick though of an elastic band every time you thought something you shouldn’t ping the band….my arm was red for a while lol 
How ever with support from real honest people, things have changed I no longer blame myself, i am gonna hold my hand up and admit I made mistakes a while ago, but I had changed then when I supported her I was a good person beyond good in fact, I did things no one should ever have too do and took stuff I didn’t deserve…however admittedly my mistake was when she didn’t need me anymore I got confused and mixed with love and worry for her health tried too hard to talk…now if that’s my biggest mistake I hold my head high. I shouldn’t 

 be amongst the ones who should feel guilty. 
But you know what this now is my new life, things have changed around a lot in 2 weeks, I miss this girl every single day but stuff makes me realise she is just out to hurt me the guy who stopped his life to help them, I received a smashed laptop this week I gave that to her to give her something to watch tv on in hospital and blog with etc, I read her blogs and it’s just how others help her like no else has and how she wants a new life meaning I meant nothing, she’s seriously out to hurt me.
And stupidly I still love her and think about her all the time but I’m no longer a door matt I’m pleased she’s recovering I really am I have so much pride but I realise she doesn’t think about me she didn’t love me…why beat myself up. 
Well I’m not anymore 😊 life’s changing, time to change with it. 
Iv learnt everyone has a choice in life nobody’s decisions are made by anything else but them self, don’t kid your self and don’t be so weak that people walk over you. Stay strong.
But I’m me again, I let myself smile now 😄 I force myself to eat correctly, I am training like mad for my half marathon, I am doing amazing at work apparently, I’m back to studying my back side off and am ready for my first set of exams again to continue my dreams, but most of all people are mentioning I am my old self cheeky and talkative that to me is the biggest well done I ever need 😊😬
I don’t hate my old life, I certainly miss someone I thought was gonna be in it for ever…but this is her choice and I’m making the most of what I have left.
And if you read this…I don’t hate you!! An will always remain here for you, keep going because you have done an amazing job, I’m so proud to read your getting to a place I dreamed of the day you cried an apologised for being ill. 
Life is to short to be angry, depressed or hold grudges….I hold zero 😬

What I miss 

So love…
To love someone is not to have a Facebook status or a trophy on your arm. The love I know is smiles, smiles so big your cheeks hurt, the excitement for the next min, hour, day to be able to spend more time with your loved one, the endless amount of plans you make for the remainder of life, the tears of laughter the comfort of there body… so much I can’t even begin to describe it all. 

My partner got ill very ill and she couldn’t deal with anyone or a relationship and Iv struggled so bad, I lay at home I miss her laugh I miss her cuddles I miss her smell, I miss her strange noises in her sleep the waking up next to her an just smiling because your loved one is in your arms or next to you. I miss her stuff all over the place her clothes everywhere, her bugging me coz she never sleeps I miss every single thing about her but I miss her being my best friend laughing at each other picking on one an other, singing to each other in the car me telling her she sounds like a football fan, I miss singing kids program theme tunes, us baking cakes me pretending I’m good but being awful, is exploring sea sides country walks, us talking about life the world, us crashing the trolley in the supermarket, or spending loss of money on coffee… but most off all I miss her love I miss my girlfriend my soulmate my partner in crime and my best friend….I miss you batman 😦 

Acknowledging mistakes.

I feel like I need to keep blogging as its helping me starve my loneliness.

 

Now so much has happened and iv reacted in a million different ways and said a million different things all in the space of 7 days.

I am not crazy, I am not depressed or even angry. But what I am is very selfish, I have been totally oblivious to everyone else around me, about problems life was throwing at everyone else, I was just seeing my pain and wanted the world to acknowledge my pain, not remembering other people hurt too.

I have thought about so many inappropriate actions recently, I even actioned one last night, why? I wanted to experience the pain a loved one was in, I can’t explain why. Our brains are very complex things and trying to explain and understand them sometimes brings on a whole new level that not many humans will ever understand.

I have been through a lot in my life, admittedly more than many people should ever have to experience, this making me see stuff at times completely different to reality. I am a very caring person maybe what I see as caring others see as controlling, my brain sometimes takes too long to recognise this even when told.

I don’t hate me though, I don’t hate the guy I am. I do however hate the way my brain tricks me to think different to how I want too. For the last 7days I have totally lost a grip of my personal identity, in fact to be honest the last 3 or 4 months I gave up on myself to care for a loved one, I now acknowledged this was a very bad and stupid move. However, in the situation you follow your gut and my gut thinks one thing, that’s pure worry.

I can’t say I have a light bulb moment because that would be insulting myself, I have had a wakeup call a reminder of life of me of my ex-partner of everything…people grieve in mysterious ways. But we always need to remember we can make mistakes we can make them over and over again but we can also be ourselves at the end of it, when we act ourselves we shine we enjoy our glow and to be fair people around enjoy that person more, we should never try too hard for anyone or anything we should attempt things but never alter from being us don’t lose your identity.

I read a card wishing me luck in my next job from a few years ago, people had described this incredible person so relaxed so chilled, clearly very popular… and the reason was I didn’t try to be anyone while there I was just me… it is so simple.

 

To those of you I have hurt I am sorry, I don’t love you any less than I ever did I have spent too much time thinking about myself, dwelling on things, I was simply living the nightmare I had going on in my head which I had made for myself. I am sorry the way my emotions took over my identity as they made a life for them self and that I subsequently let them negatives cause pain to you. This is mainly aimed at one girl this statement but also aimed at everyone else I have communicated with during this very emotional time.

Apologies are not always acceptable and this scenario I don’t believe a sorry is surfice however, as humans and decent ones at that it is our responsibility to stand up for our actions and this is exactly what I am doing here.

 

Life is a Hugh roller coaster but it’s important while the journey continues we keep our shit together as we are never completely sure where the tracks heading.

 

Thanks for reading guys and girls 😊 Jamie

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.

I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

It’s not being a mug….it’s keeping a promise 

So over the past few months Iv had some massive struggles but one massive struggle is watching someone else struggle.
So someone important has been struggling all her life building upto her mood at present and over the last 10 years had experienced a roller coaster of emotions good times bad times and the worst times but some how she keeps going and I commend that strength and bravery I’m not sure I could do it.

Food…. we all eat food, breakfast, dinner,lunch, supper, snacks throughout the day it’s nothing and a pleasure to you and me, how ever for some people food is a devil it plays with your mind the image that is seen in the mirror is the total different to what really is standing there, a restaurant can be scary, your heart pumping, sweaty palms, thoughts running through your head, when the most important thing on the menu becomes the calorie count not the sickly ingredients in the Sunday ice cream or the size of the steak or the amount of animals in a mix grill (sorry veggies) calories rules your choice and ruins your night.

Shopping becomes a task a weekly shop contains a few tins, bit salad, a yogurt for a treat and that’s about it (apart from sweets of course) but the shop is a very well drilled mission all food is check for fat contents and all sorts (I’m not too sure) but while I wheel around the isles pushing an empty trolley I wounder do I look stupid swinging around and crashing the trolley or the fact two of us participate in pushing a trolley with no food hmmmm.
So selection of food is not a quick mission, how ever the thought of food and needing to lose it out the back door shall we say is very important. Terrible phrase never again. 
How ever laxatives have become a part of every day life for her, this is my down side I struggle to watch the pain she is inn in the middle of the night, the pain she tells me about all day, the Hugh need to go to the toilet no body should be poping pills and drinks syrup stuff (I’m technical I know) the mess these so called drugs have on her body breaks my heart she knows that.

She tries so hard but thoughts are to powerful when you are so weak.
This evening she told how much she weighed and the number is incomprehensible it is scary, she lives at home in a loving home with food not in a poor country.
The happiness in her voice though when she does take a pill or survives a day with out food… destroys me I hear that voice when I close my eyes, it beyound sad.
This girl was once apart of my life in a big way, don’t get me wrong I don’t recognise her serial dating, making mistakes and repeating daily sometimes. An il be honest she will read this bit…. she knows too she has not treat me very well over time and is lucky I guess (sounds so big headed)

How ever

This the important part, once upon I told this young lady I loved her and she one day would be my wife, but when I said that I made a promise to who ever was above that you gave this opportunity I would re pay you by sticking by this girl…

I am stupid and an idiot at times not bad bad may I add but I lost what I had and I miss my old life soooo bad, but made someone a promise and that I would repay them for my little happiness by making sure this incredible girl always has me not matter what. When people say “I love you” they hardly mean it but one day when you do,  your know why I do what I do.

People call me a mug say I’m silly your being used I feel a mug sometimes, how ever no body ever experiences a bond two people have, supporting her is important to me but it’s painful to sit back and watch her life change when I know the little girl inside is screaming for me…I just know.
So to people who say I love you to someone…. think will you still love them when they hate you? Will you still love them when they are no longer them self, will you support them in something you hate….if you can, then cherish your moments! Don’t regret like I do and most all stick by them.
Don’t judge a smile as there is so much going on inside.
Ps this to show I understand I listen and always pay attention, may not like it but I support it as it’s your choice.