changes

My reaction has been totally different this weekend, I read something that I thought was about me and turns out it wasn’t which is really embarrassing but still you deal with it.

My online dating has got me in so much trouble too lol but however has made me realise my value and worth, which has promoted confidence with in me and I am using affectively to contribute to my way of thinking and its really working well.

So she has been on my mind this weekend just over nothing but not in a negative way at all, for the first time ever its been all good iv had a few memories pop in my head but instead of going oh god I smiled and remembered with Hugh admiration for even having the memory in the first place.

Today I went for a walk and was talking about hospital’s and giving away the food your given, reminded me of a night the ex with anorexia asking for a sandwich in the middle of the night and a coffee but gave to me…probably gave the hospital the wrong impression, then got me thinking about something else were talking about kids songs and made me remember times of singing bob the builder in the street with her 🙂 I even smile writing it now and then to top it off I went and brought some pic and mix for work tonight and made me remember the ” I dare you to eat one in the shop” these are such stupid and childish things however they are moments that stick in your mind when you look at positives in people. These are probably the experiences and smiles I wont experience with anybody new or her too but we are still very lucky to have experienced them in the first place.

I read her blog last week and it killed me not to say anything and it was explaining the illness of a very important family member to her and trust me I know more then anyone the value these people have on her life, I have been honoured to meet them and spend time with them and can understand why they are so inspirational to her, but the point I am making is that it puts life in perspective its very short tomorrow is a whole new day and tomorrow I will see a new person I didn’t today or come across a situation I didn’t today our lives change from second to second day to day, my experience this year has taught me a lot about trust, honesty and general attitude so learning is a very important tool and taking all this into account the ability to not blame or hate anyone is important for the little time on this planet we have make sure you don’t fall out with the people who make you smile or once upon a time made you smile, don’t punish people for there choices because once upon a time you would have thanked them.

My biggest regret for 2017 is I will see out the rest of the year never being able to buy someone a coffee and just literally saying you know what… I AM SORRY, that’s all maybe its me but I shared some amazing experience’s that are worth so much more then silly moments or arguments.

We cant change the past situations but we can change today and tomorrow, that’s all I am doing now.

 

2017 so far

so I have made a monumental school boy error lol But never mind I am human we are all going to make them.

So I spent such a long time feeling glum, down and blogging about my past. I would read her blogs and get upset she would not or maybe did realise how broken hearted she made me feel every day and I would bite.

She asked me if I loved her to never msg her again and iv stuck to it, I adore this girl and its what I have to do.

Life has changed so much for each other in last 4 month its been awful and crazy but its life. 4 months ago in 3 days I was with her talking about marriage now we don’t talk iv not seen her in months and everyone else in the whole world is more important then me to her, but I guess I have learnt the valuable lesson that I never held the value to her that she held to me.

How ever this isn’t about bringing up the past, life made this happen you deal with it, I wont lie its a part of my life that caused me the most pain how ever she is also so someone I will never forget for all the bad that is plastered all over and for the devil I am described as we hold some of the most incredible memories just its easier to remember failure instead of success. I have a lot to focus on and some words from her a little while back have stuck in my mind and have really helped me make life choices.

 

Its been the worst year of my life I do anything in the world to change stuff but it is what it is, sick of acting out of character I am a much better person then that trust me I am showing it again sick of “wallowing”.

I wish that she would get better soon and that she had the strength not just to eat her way out of there and starve again. I want her to be happy and she clearly thinks its with anyone else but me so I wish her all the luck in the world. I no longer follow her on anything iv deleted everything I have I no nothing except blogs as I still care.

I say this to Aimee as she did read this, but I am sorry all of this happened two people who did love each other but both hit issues in mental health in very different ways the combination was a bad mix and made this a bad break up instead of a supportive one. I want you to know I don’t care what happened I don’t blame you, I don’t listen to what others say…I know you better then anybody’s comments I always stick up for you. I will always love you and I think about you every single day, I wish things were different I will never ever forget you!

To everyone else think about what people mean to you, don’t be a push over but also think about your actions heat of the moment or not remember how you would feel. I lost every thing I had all because a blog…so please think of the out come because right now there are things I wanna share with her, smiles I wanna make happen, cuddles I wanna hand out advice I wanna give and stuff I need to tell… but unfortunately I am never going to see her again or talk to her again in my life!

 

Don’t make my mistake people.

 

Stay happy, keep going and try live your dreams. Don’t learn the hard way 🙂

 

Happy blogging people.

 

Acknowledging mistakes.

I feel like I need to keep blogging as its helping me starve my loneliness.

 

Now so much has happened and iv reacted in a million different ways and said a million different things all in the space of 7 days.

I am not crazy, I am not depressed or even angry. But what I am is very selfish, I have been totally oblivious to everyone else around me, about problems life was throwing at everyone else, I was just seeing my pain and wanted the world to acknowledge my pain, not remembering other people hurt too.

I have thought about so many inappropriate actions recently, I even actioned one last night, why? I wanted to experience the pain a loved one was in, I can’t explain why. Our brains are very complex things and trying to explain and understand them sometimes brings on a whole new level that not many humans will ever understand.

I have been through a lot in my life, admittedly more than many people should ever have to experience, this making me see stuff at times completely different to reality. I am a very caring person maybe what I see as caring others see as controlling, my brain sometimes takes too long to recognise this even when told.

I don’t hate me though, I don’t hate the guy I am. I do however hate the way my brain tricks me to think different to how I want too. For the last 7days I have totally lost a grip of my personal identity, in fact to be honest the last 3 or 4 months I gave up on myself to care for a loved one, I now acknowledged this was a very bad and stupid move. However, in the situation you follow your gut and my gut thinks one thing, that’s pure worry.

I can’t say I have a light bulb moment because that would be insulting myself, I have had a wakeup call a reminder of life of me of my ex-partner of everything…people grieve in mysterious ways. But we always need to remember we can make mistakes we can make them over and over again but we can also be ourselves at the end of it, when we act ourselves we shine we enjoy our glow and to be fair people around enjoy that person more, we should never try too hard for anyone or anything we should attempt things but never alter from being us don’t lose your identity.

I read a card wishing me luck in my next job from a few years ago, people had described this incredible person so relaxed so chilled, clearly very popular… and the reason was I didn’t try to be anyone while there I was just me… it is so simple.

 

To those of you I have hurt I am sorry, I don’t love you any less than I ever did I have spent too much time thinking about myself, dwelling on things, I was simply living the nightmare I had going on in my head which I had made for myself. I am sorry the way my emotions took over my identity as they made a life for them self and that I subsequently let them negatives cause pain to you. This is mainly aimed at one girl this statement but also aimed at everyone else I have communicated with during this very emotional time.

Apologies are not always acceptable and this scenario I don’t believe a sorry is surfice however, as humans and decent ones at that it is our responsibility to stand up for our actions and this is exactly what I am doing here.

 

Life is a Hugh roller coaster but it’s important while the journey continues we keep our shit together as we are never completely sure where the tracks heading.

 

Thanks for reading guys and girls 😊 Jamie

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.

I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

Crazy 48hours

So the last 48 hours have been crazy to say the least, I sit at work right now having sneaked in some sleep a very proud young man.There are 2 reasons for this see if you can work them out.

2 days ago my ex who I wasn’t talking with properly after messing up with anxiety, well she asked me if I could pick her up from work….this is where it begun it turned out she had been trying to take her life she had tried to throw her self down the stairs the day before and had that morning taken an excessive amount of pills and wasn’t feeling well.

I collected her she was like a lost child, she was on edge, staring into space and looked like a ghost she was so ill, she is anorexic to so her life is spiralling out of control, she didn’t look like the girl I feel in love with she doesn’t have the energy to even talk anymore, once upon we would laugh, sing along and just be generally happy. 

This completely snapped my heart in to peaces, how ever I kept it together and made her go to A&E we spent 5 hours there but had a good chat while waiting she opened up about her feelings and explained how she feels she can turn to me about anything (that made me smile) but I held her hand and went and seen every doctor and nurse with her (I did hide from the needle bit tho).

There was a moment when she was told to take her jumper off…8 jumpers, tops later she got down to just 1 and they lifted her top up wire her shall I say and I couldn’t look because she is all skin an bone 😦 she looked ill it was like a Skelton laying in a bed look like she wasn’t meant to come out she looked on deaths door I had to dig deep not to show how deviated I am. I promised the doctor I would take her home and look after her at mine. I got her home and we talked loads about us and her and she said she was giving me a chance but my last ever chance which TBH didn’t bother me, what did bother me was her.

Then yesterday 🙂 she had zero sleep I didn’t get much but she started making a difference and she still can’t see it but we were up and at her doctors for opening we got an appointment and she went and finally decided to get some time off work to recharge..step one. 

She then asked me if I would do the hardest thing Iv ever done in my life, she asked me as she was scarred if I would sit her mum down on my own and tell her what’s been happen as her parents no nothing she hides from them….so again I had to find some words and hold my nerve and I sat her mum down who i don’t know amazingly and tell her that her daughter tried to kill her self and is eatting her way to death too, how I kept that one cool I will never ever ever know but I did it for the girl I adore. Then our journey continued to her next appointment I took her to see her food councillor, this wasn’t a success she has been told they are beginning to search a bed for her to omitted to hospital, she has to drink some stuff to give her energy so she can do stuff and she has a milkshake diet as she won’t eat but just about have a milkshake. This is again heart breaking I don’t want her taken away for a length of time 😦 il miss her too much.

She has agreed to spend my 4 days off with me so I can help her an look after her….an to thank me she has booked us a couple night in my home (fav place) the other end of the country she’s never been but it’s my safe place and just wow she really didn’t need to but she wanted to say thanks and knows how special that place is to me. 

I am going to make her have a fun weekend she will smile 🙂

I just want the little princess back I adore so much, I wouldn’t done any of this for anyone else.

She’s so special and she will read this at some point and when you do I want you to read me tell the whole wide world you are one special young lady, your strength is commendable and I am so proud of you for fighting this, life is cruel and tough no one chooses to suffer, but you choose to beat it and that you are 🙂 you should be proud.
…an the second person I’m proud of me, I’m sooo proud of myself I wrote some awful blogs over the months and didn’t know if I’d still be here today to write but now I don’t know how I did it but I made myself realise and I’m not the same person at all….I dropped her home yesterday and she called me so happy her mum knew and was supporting her, when she hung up I cried on the drive home lol sooo dammm proud.
Anyway I rambled but, never give up on life it will get better. 

Happy Wednesday people 🙂