Losing it

So Iv just got back from the doctors who is refusing to let me go back to work.
I have two weeks to gain weight or I have to see someone….wtf, this is me I stress I don’t eat but not that bad.
My family hate me, I won’t talk to anyone just because I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. They don’t get it, all they say is how can you get like that over a girl. Then I say you don’t no.
Yesterday I tried doing somthing in my room to which I got called an idiot for off my brother as I’m doing it all wrong, this time I didn’t take it, I snapped went mental infact. Then my mum joined in said I’m ridiculous she knew this would happen and that she wouldn’t stick around, she went to say skinny somthing and I went mental, I seen abso red my brother called her an idiot and me a c word and I launched out my room and punched him so hard. Told him never to talk about her like that and he just laughed in my face…I’m a joke.

Mum said why haven’t you runaway to Newcastle like usual, or has Lisa had enough of you like me and Aimee…this really hurt.

I had blood all over me id fallen over and cut my arm as I looked in the mirror Iv not shaved or showered in a week, I am a joke.

I went for a walk last night and sat on the bench in town for 4 hours frozen.

The only person I wanted to talk to was Aimee no one gets it, I’m not a stalker crazy loon just no one gets me like she does.

I am fine, tbh I’m very calm I think I vented what I needed too.

I regret all my choices and I can’t stop punishing myself I won’t eat or drink but why? And walks at 2200 at night is kinda stupid. This is a mess none of this should be happening.

I don’t have anybody, I wish I could just runaway from all these people. I miss my best friend so much, 3 days I thought I could do anything now I can’t be bothered to do anything. Someone help me.

She’s started cutting her self since last week, I don’t want her too please stop it. None of this is your fault and I don’t blame you one little bit, I just miss you like crazy.

Don’t paint me again

I’m feeling really ill and it’s self inflicted. My body really hurts. I’m so lonely too.

I need to say my blogs aren’t to make any feel guilty at all, I’m the guilty one not anyone else.

I’m not controlling or manipulative though at all, I accepted something that should never have been the outcome anyway. But I’m a human being I wanted to try anything to not lose my soulmate I was gonna marry her 12 hours before….again. Surely that’s understandable I waited 8months to tell her I love her.
Now I know everyone is saying I’m x y and z but I’m really not I’m just a guy who’s totally in love with this lass.

We can’t be together but we could been mates, I could have helped her smile and left her spare time busy.

But all a sudden she hates me again, this is her BPD and others telling her how awful I am isn’t fair, no one seen aimee happy like I did Sunday Monday and Tuesday! I just want forgiveness we shouldn’t be like this at all.

I love her that’s my only crime I love her to peace’s

Overdose

So it’s 0600am and I’m still here I failed.

i took 18 500g paracetamol and I didn’t die. But my paracetamol levels are so high I need treatment and have probably damaged my liver.

they keep asking me why Iv done this all I say is to punish myself for being a terrible person and awful boyfriend.

There concended that Iv not eatten since Tuesday or drunk a drink since Wednesday. Yet I’m fine, I currently have a lot of chest pains and feel light headed but still alive an I’m gutted.

Iv had traumas before and have never taken an overdose before this time is bad, after 2 days in bed not leaving my bed for anything accept the toilet I decided I could not take any more and I need to be punished for making Aimee cry.

i came here on my own as my best friend forced me and I don’t have anyone so I sit alone, blood test I passed out not been great. The “crisis” team have been to see me and want to come back as Iv not promised I won’t try again.

an to top it off my mum found my goodbye note.

i asked my family to not blame anyone especially Aimee but also respect I love her and mainly to tell my dad I hate him, she now posses this 😦

 

This have worked based on my weight and lack of food 😦 I need to be punished I’m sick of messing up.

 

Im sorry I failed

:(

Another day and I can’t move from my bed. I can’t answer any of my calls or texts.

This really hurts, really hurts.

When we meet back up I realised how perfect she is, perfect for me we are like to peas in a pod. Absolute soulmates.

I wanna runaway from Essex with her away from everyone. I want me and her to be happy and then let people accept us, other people’s opinions don’t matter. It’s us that matter I want to come home to my family my Aimee and our family I’m not gonna home to see my twin and Mum everyday. I want to stand at the church and say I do to my soulmate not the next best thing and who ever stands in the church with us is a bonus it’s about me and my bride. I want our first house together we know it will be no where near here so we should just go do it.

So much I wish right now, I know my reaction upset her but it upset me too. Massively. I was just hurting in abso pain.

I just wish for a girlfriend cuddle or the holding of my hand, I miss all this so much. Her voice everything I dream of her all the time.

 

I wish there was a way we could be together I wish there was.

Don’t no a title

So I woke up in my car this morning.

Iv come home slept because I don’t wanna be awake. I didn’t go to work. I haven’t eatten since Tuesday night or has a drink since yesterday morning…I won’t fight it this time, I don’t wanna.

I seen Mum and told her what Aimee has done. She told me that she did always have a choice, she could of come here till it was fixed or should of kept to our selfs for a while. Can’t believe my mum accepted her again, Mum asked about previous girls I just said they weren’t for me, she said no one is it’s just Aimee. She’s right she’s all I want in the world over flying everything is to be with my Aimee.

Turns out Mum wasn’t the only one who had wanted her around, my best friend and new friend are the same they both msg her as they love me, because they accept her too.

Soo all of my family are fine, yet hers have stopped her seeing me yet I never did anything. Her BPD massively showed through yesterday again, she just got swayed by others and was fighting what she wanted she was distraught.

People don’t need to be my best friend but I did nothing wrong, they can hate me but don’t make Aimee cry because they want there own way. This is all wrong.

I can’t get through this all again, I want out. If I don’t have Aimee I have nothing. This time it’s not anything to do with either of us.

Mental health

So this blog has two purposes.
So the main being for me learning about people’s lack of understanding of mental health. It’s something that comes in all forms shapes and sizes and affects people in different ways.
Why do we understand a broken leg, loss of limb or other serious illness’s but we don’t respect mental health which is also deadly.
People act of character, thoughts and feelings take over people’s minds,brain and actions but it doesn’t mean it’s what they want or what they mean and this is without adding the challenges life brings ontop. Not everything is black and white it’s not simple.
Everything thinks they understand mental health but until you witness is and even experience it people are not open minded.

My second, is really kinda of…odd. I owe a hugh thank you to someone I don’t know lol Believe It or not someone has taken time out of there life to read all about me and has done somthing kinda out of this world. I have zero idea as to why but I can’t explain my gratitude. Thanks to them I kinda have a feeling within me…I’m not sure I’d ever experience!!!

So to this true ledgend…thank you so much!

Him

Iv learnt from all my experiences so much, my tweaks and changes are all a part of my challenges. I hate the tasks that were set but they all help mould a bigger and better person. That I’m most truly proud of.

But I need to blog, I’m struggling atm. My blogs read how much I miss Aimee, but this isn’t it. It’s him, still him. I can’t sleep atm and I can’t stop thinking of her, an think I know why. I can’t shift my migraine at all, for all I keep racking my brains. I can’t get this weekend out my head, I haven’t seen his face for nearly 12months and I never wanted to see him again. But his my Dad, I love my Dad but I hate him 😢
I cant get his anger his words out of my head, i wasnt ready to see him i wasnt ready for his verbal abuse, he won again i stayed strong on the surface but inside i feel apart.
I come to a house where im ignored, I’m a target of frustration or a bank balance to use I’m a driver to be driven around or the useless one.

I longed all my life for love, no body’s ever made me feel the centre of there life, nobody ever made me feel like they wanted me until I meet her but not only did she do this she was also my best friend, she was the holder of my hand. She was the massive tower of strength and the courageous one she helped make dreams feel reality but she was mine, she wanted to make me feel that way and wanted to devote that to a life time.
When I lost it, I lost indentation on life.
Everyday is a struggle but this weekend was awful, the more I wish she was around the more I realise why she’s not and it’s the more angry I get at myself.

I can’t explain what he did to me as a child, he has scarred my life, ruined my thought process and ruined some really important parts of my life, It helped ruin my chances of marrying her. I may never get the experience I longed for because the experiences I was made part of.

I’m fine I promise, I just feel so alone…I never wanted for somthing to be fixed so badly. I’m not sure why but my past the very beginning is beginning to destroy me a little bit by bit.

I’m sorry for all my blogs, but I don’t have anyone to talk to…an out is better then floating around atm.

im so lonely