2017 so far

so I have made a monumental school boy error lol But never mind I am human we are all going to make them.

So I spent such a long time feeling glum, down and blogging about my past. I would read her blogs and get upset she would not or maybe did realise how broken hearted she made me feel every day and I would bite.

She asked me if I loved her to never msg her again and iv stuck to it, I adore this girl and its what I have to do.

Life has changed so much for each other in last 4 month its been awful and crazy but its life. 4 months ago in 3 days I was with her talking about marriage now we don’t talk iv not seen her in months and everyone else in the whole world is more important then me to her, but I guess I have learnt the valuable lesson that I never held the value to her that she held to me.

How ever this isn’t about bringing up the past, life made this happen you deal with it, I wont lie its a part of my life that caused me the most pain how ever she is also so someone I will never forget for all the bad that is plastered all over and for the devil I am described as we hold some of the most incredible memories just its easier to remember failure instead of success. I have a lot to focus on and some words from her a little while back have stuck in my mind and have really helped me make life choices.

 

Its been the worst year of my life I do anything in the world to change stuff but it is what it is, sick of acting out of character I am a much better person then that trust me I am showing it again sick of “wallowing”.

I wish that she would get better soon and that she had the strength not just to eat her way out of there and starve again. I want her to be happy and she clearly thinks its with anyone else but me so I wish her all the luck in the world. I no longer follow her on anything iv deleted everything I have I no nothing except blogs as I still care.

I say this to Aimee as she did read this, but I am sorry all of this happened two people who did love each other but both hit issues in mental health in very different ways the combination was a bad mix and made this a bad break up instead of a supportive one. I want you to know I don’t care what happened I don’t blame you, I don’t listen to what others say…I know you better then anybody’s comments I always stick up for you. I will always love you and I think about you every single day, I wish things were different I will never ever forget you!

To everyone else think about what people mean to you, don’t be a push over but also think about your actions heat of the moment or not remember how you would feel. I lost every thing I had all because a blog…so please think of the out come because right now there are things I wanna share with her, smiles I wanna make happen, cuddles I wanna hand out advice I wanna give and stuff I need to tell… but unfortunately I am never going to see her again or talk to her again in my life!

 

Don’t make my mistake people.

 

Stay happy, keep going and try live your dreams. Don’t learn the hard way 🙂

 

Happy blogging people.

 

The story 

So I have blogged quite a bit in the last month I have tried and tried to explain everything and to be honest I still don’t feel like Iv got out what I wanna say, this could be because I don’t know what I want to say.
(Quick brief my girlfriend was diagnosed as anorexic and was dying she wanted to die and was moved to now two hospitals and has been in care for nearly 3 months)
I began by being confused why my beautiful princess had got this illness, how she was knocking on deaths door and why I couldn’t help her.

Then she finished with me and I didn’t understand why I thought she loved me and at the same time she was dying…my mind was all over the place.

I became angry and believed that someone had used me and my family I was really annoyed I felt I’d been walked over.

Then I got blamed for killing her, I turned suicidal I tried to finish my life in guilt, I stopped eating to punish myself, it got out of hand.

I messaged her all the time with utter confusion, heart break and anger some messages weren’t great and I began to hate myself so much, life was dark things were tough I set out to destroy my life as I felt guilty. 

We did have a few arguments which began when she went into hospital, every single one was revolved around food or hospital or food or food, I would take a lot of her moods but I did it because I loved her and believed the real her didn’t mean any of this towards me.

My efforts were seen as controlling but couldn’t be further from the truth I worried naturally I worried my beautiful girl was trying to die every single day surely that’s enough to be on edge and constantly worry. 

I did get jealous of her family who finally helped but began pushing me out I know longer mattered my views didn’t matter and I was no longer needed to which now they got that…I don’t blame them it’s a blood relative I was just the boyfriend but all a sudden I didn’t matter to anyone
I’m gutted with my reaction the confusion, heart break and so much more.

I didn’t know what to say to her I didn’t want to believe it, I never thought this girl would lie when she told me she loved me, it had to be the illness.

I shouldn’t have said I felt used but…it wasn’t a lie even now even today I feel used but I’m accepting of it and also accept it doesn’t actually mean that’s correct.  
But turns out there’s wasn’t any need for me to be so dam hard on myself I had a right to be upset I did deserve to be annoyed and maybe I didn’t deserve to be treat that way…my reaction still wasn’t great though.
I am though Proud that I actually meant I loved her, I’m proud that regardless of what reaction I stayed true to the words I told her. People throw love around like it’s a everyday word but to say it and mean every single letter from the bottom of your heart means Iv been true to myself and true to her.

I was blamed for slowing her recovery, by her, her family and apparently staff…how ever instead of beating myself up about it I know now that I was used as an easy excuse and she believed them not me unfortunately.

We have so many memories her brothers wedding being one the best memories of my life I couldn’t have experienced anything more amazing with anyone else and her family included it was incredible but the biggest memory for me was the night she spent in hospital she was so ill I couldn’t even look her body how skinny she was, I went to the car to top up the car park and remember crying I called my friend and said she’s dying she’s going to die if she doesn’t stop this. She held my hand for hours she cried her self to sleep I remember she didn’t think anyone cared she was so scared and watching someone you love so much in that state was beyond awful.

What really hit me was the support for me, no body appreciated what I had done previous it was all about now all a sudden they just hated me it was all my fault and that she needed rid of me, not the fact that she had fallen in love with this guy he made her smile and happy and even helped save her life, washed away her tears. She has a mental illness clothes selecting was impossible let alone this kinda stuff.

I do think about her every single day. She is my first and last thought of every single day. I feel like I sing to her to and from work I know the healthy girl in her misses “us”

I sometimes get seriously hard days where it’s a struggle all I want is someone who cares and mainly just her I want her to just make me smile, give me a cuddle and just squeeze my hand as she tells me she loves me. I have text her phone knowing she won’t read it just to say I love you, is that weird or sad lol

I read her blogs about her life and struggle and it makes me sad and happy. I’m sad this beautiful girl has such a struggle it’s sad I can’t just cuddle her or tell her everything will be okay, once upon I used to do this.

But it makes me so happy to see her reaching out and helping others explaining the pain the trauma she is dealing with, it makes me so proud I could burst I even smile and I may have no more right to be proud but I am so so proud like I have never been of anything or anyone before in my life.

This situation came at an awful time, I had planned in my head to marry this girl I had found a ring I liked, I had planned when I would do it and roughly how I would do it, I had thought about asking two people massive in her life’s permission, this was the first time in my life I was ready to step up to mark and grab what I wanted and make sure I never lost my one true love. It would have been an amazing fireworks 😉 
I’m never gonna change her mind

She has made her mind up though with help from others and she no longer wants anything to do with me in fact she hates me and blames me, part me wants to think that’s the illness and others talking but…not sure my confidence agrees.
But I’m ashamed to admit to this amazing gentle, beautiful girl that I adore her and can’t stop loving her.
I seen a picture of her today and Iv Mixed emotions, I miss seeing her face and perfect smile, her gentle voice when she picked on me and her soft skin my hands missing touching…she is the most beautifully stunning girl I have ever seen.
I dream that she will talk to me again, I dream she will be true to her self I know our love wasn’t a lie.
But regardless I did live my dream for a while just a shame anorexia ruined it.
Sorry for the long story lol happy blogging 🙂  

Why?

What the hell has happened…Iv just woken up, Iv read an email from my boss one of captains has sent an email inn to thank me for doing an incredible job while we were in Argentina…it’s made me cry. 

I’m not incredible at all, I write this while cuddling my pillow and crying my eyes out 😢

Life has got out of control, I hate it so much I hate me so much. Iv lost everything I lay here and realise I lost my girlfriend someone I adored, she’s so poorly as well 😢 it’s all my fault. She wants to hurt herself and it’s because of me it’s all because of me…but I just loved her 😢 her family now hate me too, I didn’t want this I just wanted my girlfriend who I thought I’d marry one day… but there right I’m killing her, why would I do that??
I can’t get these words out of my head, I can’t stop hating myself. 

Why? Why? Why? Why? 😢😢😢

I can’t eat anymore I just don’t want to I wanna make myself suffer, but it’s getting bad 😢 I haven’t eatten a meal since I was in Norwich 3 weeks ago, I started hiding my dinner in the bin in my room, I ordered a pizza with everyone at work last night as I didn’t wanna look stupid I only had one peace and brought rest home and now I need throw it in the bin before anyone sees….read that back…wtf am I doing???? 

I can’t sleep anymore, I don’t do anything but get upset. I went out a couple nights ago and I hated it, I couldn’t touch any alcohol.

But I can’t deal with reading someone tell me how amazing I am, maybe I’m okay at my job but I’m the least amazing person your ever meet, Iv destroyed someone’s life and I can’t stop this now…why can’t I stop hating myself 😢😢

Gone to far

This has gone to far….
So I have been told I shouldn’t blog, I will be sued for expressing my inner thoughts.blogging is to be able express what you think and how you feel your are encouraged to speak out loud but I’m told I can’t can’t say what I think.

My posts are about my life my situation nothing is aimed at anyone at all. It’s what helps me.

But I am to blame for all this, my words are killing people, my confusion my being lost is me causing trouble.

There a situation here that has got so far out of hand it untrue, it kinda turned my life upside down…but again it’s my fault. The situation is I mess up, I’m jamie I mess up I’m human I hold my hands up I’m far from perfect I mess up, I have spent my life the last four months helping a mentally ill person because I loved them, it affects you my whole life changed over night everything changed this was no ones fault it’s life I choose to be part of it. But it put me on edge I didn’t want this person to die, I wanted to do all in my power to help them and that I did. My friends told me last night I shouldn’t not be ashamed I should be proud of what I did not many would… an no one else was willing too. 

But I did everything I could, but I don’t feel proud, I’m sad I’m told I’m killing her now I’m stopping recovery…. because of hurt, confusion, sadness. I told my friends last night I no longer care about life Iv thought before some stupid stuff but I literally don’t care anymore, I haven’t eatten a meal in coming up for 3 weeks I got told I’m looking ill but ya not what I’m pleased I wanna punish myself, people txing me an having a go at me agree with it all, so I wanna punish more. 

My words aren’t angry at people, it’s confusion. Our brain consists of questions and when stuff isn’t answered you make the answers….but we shouldn’t be punished for this.

This whole situation has got out of hand and made so much more then needed to be.

I am blogging because i neee to!

What I miss 

So love…
To love someone is not to have a Facebook status or a trophy on your arm. The love I know is smiles, smiles so big your cheeks hurt, the excitement for the next min, hour, day to be able to spend more time with your loved one, the endless amount of plans you make for the remainder of life, the tears of laughter the comfort of there body… so much I can’t even begin to describe it all. 

My partner got ill very ill and she couldn’t deal with anyone or a relationship and Iv struggled so bad, I lay at home I miss her laugh I miss her cuddles I miss her smell, I miss her strange noises in her sleep the waking up next to her an just smiling because your loved one is in your arms or next to you. I miss her stuff all over the place her clothes everywhere, her bugging me coz she never sleeps I miss every single thing about her but I miss her being my best friend laughing at each other picking on one an other, singing to each other in the car me telling her she sounds like a football fan, I miss singing kids program theme tunes, us baking cakes me pretending I’m good but being awful, is exploring sea sides country walks, us talking about life the world, us crashing the trolley in the supermarket, or spending loss of money on coffee… but most off all I miss her love I miss my girlfriend my soulmate my partner in crime and my best friend….I miss you batman 😦 

Acknowledging mistakes.

I feel like I need to keep blogging as its helping me starve my loneliness.

 

Now so much has happened and iv reacted in a million different ways and said a million different things all in the space of 7 days.

I am not crazy, I am not depressed or even angry. But what I am is very selfish, I have been totally oblivious to everyone else around me, about problems life was throwing at everyone else, I was just seeing my pain and wanted the world to acknowledge my pain, not remembering other people hurt too.

I have thought about so many inappropriate actions recently, I even actioned one last night, why? I wanted to experience the pain a loved one was in, I can’t explain why. Our brains are very complex things and trying to explain and understand them sometimes brings on a whole new level that not many humans will ever understand.

I have been through a lot in my life, admittedly more than many people should ever have to experience, this making me see stuff at times completely different to reality. I am a very caring person maybe what I see as caring others see as controlling, my brain sometimes takes too long to recognise this even when told.

I don’t hate me though, I don’t hate the guy I am. I do however hate the way my brain tricks me to think different to how I want too. For the last 7days I have totally lost a grip of my personal identity, in fact to be honest the last 3 or 4 months I gave up on myself to care for a loved one, I now acknowledged this was a very bad and stupid move. However, in the situation you follow your gut and my gut thinks one thing, that’s pure worry.

I can’t say I have a light bulb moment because that would be insulting myself, I have had a wakeup call a reminder of life of me of my ex-partner of everything…people grieve in mysterious ways. But we always need to remember we can make mistakes we can make them over and over again but we can also be ourselves at the end of it, when we act ourselves we shine we enjoy our glow and to be fair people around enjoy that person more, we should never try too hard for anyone or anything we should attempt things but never alter from being us don’t lose your identity.

I read a card wishing me luck in my next job from a few years ago, people had described this incredible person so relaxed so chilled, clearly very popular… and the reason was I didn’t try to be anyone while there I was just me… it is so simple.

 

To those of you I have hurt I am sorry, I don’t love you any less than I ever did I have spent too much time thinking about myself, dwelling on things, I was simply living the nightmare I had going on in my head which I had made for myself. I am sorry the way my emotions took over my identity as they made a life for them self and that I subsequently let them negatives cause pain to you. This is mainly aimed at one girl this statement but also aimed at everyone else I have communicated with during this very emotional time.

Apologies are not always acceptable and this scenario I don’t believe a sorry is surfice however, as humans and decent ones at that it is our responsibility to stand up for our actions and this is exactly what I am doing here.

 

Life is a Hugh roller coaster but it’s important while the journey continues we keep our shit together as we are never completely sure where the tracks heading.

 

Thanks for reading guys and girls 😊 Jamie

My head….

So it’s been a rollacoaster ride this week.

I have discovered a few things but they main thing being my inner strength, I actually do have control of my life which is fantastic.

Some scenarios were put infront of me which I would have crumbled but instantly turned to fix instead of delaying. Already feeling the benifits.

I’m in a weird situion and unfortunately for reasons I can’t explain, it’s weird. My life has taken a hugh U turn and everybody seems to be telling me I don’t need to worry and this that and the other but I feel it this time this is new this is different.

Iv come back home tonight and I don’t wanna talk with anyone I’m not annoyed I just don’t wanna talk, I just wanna pack my stuff and leave…. is that brave or is that silly? I have my notice written and ready…I thought about it before but never so seriously….is this right? Is this time? Is this silly? Should I be patient? I have millions of that going around my head. 

I cried today…..no just a tear or two, full on gut wrenching tears no one was in so screamed it as I cried (I scarred the dog) I kinda scarred myself I’d been so calm cool and collective till earlier, I was feeling the pain the my chest soar my head hurting and uncontrollable tears…I was hurting and unfortunately had no one to support me this time, no one to cuddle me no one to tell all was okay…think these tears had been building up… but I must admit I didn’t like it at all.

When do you stop following your heart? When do you follow your head? What about when the two say the same as everyone but you? 

But I’m in control, I’m in control of me…I doing the right stuff, so why? And why am I neglecting me too??? A lay down last night in bed at 0200 I don’t sleep, an I felt content I had said good bye to my house mate and something I was watching….I woundered if I had said goodbye to everyone and maybe felt this was my time? I didn’t ever wanna argue again with people, I didn’t really care about anything I just….done, happy Iv done what ever. But I’m not suicdale like I say I’m fine, for once belive it or not!!! 
I can’t explain anything….it’s all mashed up