I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

The illness called Anorexia

Anorexia.
It’s not a choice not to always eat, imagine the thought of being hungry and being in a supermarket but your unable to select anything from the shelf, calories are going through your mind, then your body what will that cake do to my body I can’t but I want to, this is Anorexia.

My best friend is living this nightmare at the moment and I’m by her side though it as much as she will let me, recently Iv held her hand through 1 A&E visit, 1 GP visit, 2 support worker meetings, 1 blood test, 1 blood pressure check and finally 1 food clinic visit this was all in 7 days…this girl had been out through torture.

I sit with this girl I look at her face I see the discolour in her cheeks I see the lack of meat on her like a normal human being I witness the tears she bleeds I witness the tiredness from walking. She no longer can decide anything as her brain is just food it thinks nothing else, I witness her snappy I witness every that this illness is doing to my soulmate.

She wakes up everyday and thinks food how to avoid how to not get told to eat how to not get fat, yet she looks in the mirror and is disgusted she looks like an old lady she looks like she’s knocking on deaths door. She has to wear cloths to layer up to keep warm and look better, we went to a supermarket last week and 2 people were clearly staring at her looking her up and down as she is so skinny her legs are tiny her arms are tiny she looks awful, she is still the most beautiful girl though. 

She has a bed ready 400miles away if she doesn’t eat, they will stop her being a human she will be told what to do what to eat and when, she won’t be able to do as she pleases and will be alone…this breaks my heart in two.

She doesn’t want to get to this stage but the illness is stopping her from seeing how close she is, if I tell her then I’m upsetting the illness and she doesn’t see it.

It’s not about putting food in her mouth this illness is taking over her brain, her choices, her body basically her whole life and she can’t beat it.

I am petrified, I get upset on my own about it I talk to my mum about it to try and comfort me, but this poor beautiful little girl is wondering around this big planet battling this every second of every single day.

I love her she’s my best friend so I can’t lose her but every day this illness is getting her a step closer to death and she wants it now too as she’s sick of the battle.
But she is a very very brave girl and she keeps finding that tiny peace of energy to try, I can’t explain in words because there isn’t a word or isn’t a sentence that can describe how proud of her I am for trying she’s my inspiration she is incredible. I want her to know I adore her and please keep fighting you will break down this illness and you will you again you have a long life left to live, I won’t let it take you away from me so early.
Please realise the damage anorexia has on a life it’s not a choice to be stick thin it’s not easy coping with it, its not nice to stare at someone because they look fragile…this is a human being who is slowly killing her self because there is not tablet to make it stop, there is no quick fix and as me I have to try and help but mainly sit here and watch someone I love, fall apart lose her identity and slowly die in front of my eyes.

I just want it to go away now, leave her alone she’s suffered enough. I want my beautiful girl back!
Life can be cruel.

She does read my bloggs so this is kinda for her to realise I get her pain and share mine too on the subject. But please comment anything if you think it will help as she will read.

Thanks all, happy Wednesday 

It’s not being a mug….it’s keeping a promise 

So over the past few months Iv had some massive struggles but one massive struggle is watching someone else struggle.
So someone important has been struggling all her life building upto her mood at present and over the last 10 years had experienced a roller coaster of emotions good times bad times and the worst times but some how she keeps going and I commend that strength and bravery I’m not sure I could do it.

Food…. we all eat food, breakfast, dinner,lunch, supper, snacks throughout the day it’s nothing and a pleasure to you and me, how ever for some people food is a devil it plays with your mind the image that is seen in the mirror is the total different to what really is standing there, a restaurant can be scary, your heart pumping, sweaty palms, thoughts running through your head, when the most important thing on the menu becomes the calorie count not the sickly ingredients in the Sunday ice cream or the size of the steak or the amount of animals in a mix grill (sorry veggies) calories rules your choice and ruins your night.

Shopping becomes a task a weekly shop contains a few tins, bit salad, a yogurt for a treat and that’s about it (apart from sweets of course) but the shop is a very well drilled mission all food is check for fat contents and all sorts (I’m not too sure) but while I wheel around the isles pushing an empty trolley I wounder do I look stupid swinging around and crashing the trolley or the fact two of us participate in pushing a trolley with no food hmmmm.
So selection of food is not a quick mission, how ever the thought of food and needing to lose it out the back door shall we say is very important. Terrible phrase never again. 
How ever laxatives have become a part of every day life for her, this is my down side I struggle to watch the pain she is inn in the middle of the night, the pain she tells me about all day, the Hugh need to go to the toilet no body should be poping pills and drinks syrup stuff (I’m technical I know) the mess these so called drugs have on her body breaks my heart she knows that.

She tries so hard but thoughts are to powerful when you are so weak.
This evening she told how much she weighed and the number is incomprehensible it is scary, she lives at home in a loving home with food not in a poor country.
The happiness in her voice though when she does take a pill or survives a day with out food… destroys me I hear that voice when I close my eyes, it beyound sad.
This girl was once apart of my life in a big way, don’t get me wrong I don’t recognise her serial dating, making mistakes and repeating daily sometimes. An il be honest she will read this bit…. she knows too she has not treat me very well over time and is lucky I guess (sounds so big headed)

How ever

This the important part, once upon I told this young lady I loved her and she one day would be my wife, but when I said that I made a promise to who ever was above that you gave this opportunity I would re pay you by sticking by this girl…

I am stupid and an idiot at times not bad bad may I add but I lost what I had and I miss my old life soooo bad, but made someone a promise and that I would repay them for my little happiness by making sure this incredible girl always has me not matter what. When people say “I love you” they hardly mean it but one day when you do,  your know why I do what I do.

People call me a mug say I’m silly your being used I feel a mug sometimes, how ever no body ever experiences a bond two people have, supporting her is important to me but it’s painful to sit back and watch her life change when I know the little girl inside is screaming for me…I just know.
So to people who say I love you to someone…. think will you still love them when they hate you? Will you still love them when they are no longer them self, will you support them in something you hate….if you can, then cherish your moments! Don’t regret like I do and most all stick by them.
Don’t judge a smile as there is so much going on inside.
Ps this to show I understand I listen and always pay attention, may not like it but I support it as it’s your choice.