What am I doing.
So tonight as per every night I’m wide awake. My minds wandering, Iv Googled everything from new jobs, to a job for my ex girlfriend in Newcastle lol to houses, to me wanting by a new car to me booking a holiday for myself for tomorrow…I’m on the verge of doing somit kinda crazy, but I’m sure afterwards I would regret wasting my money Iv worked so hard to save.
I really really miss aimee, would actually offer my right leg to be able to be able to have her back in my world, but people’s advice is driving me nuts, Iv been told everything…people think it’s a fairytale I’m sure it’s not it’s just the Jamie adventures there bloody mental.
So last night, I took my top off walked past the mirror and had to double back…I looked ill I’m so skinny, I hate being slim but I looked awful I can’t share anymore information then that but unlike aimee it makes me sick to look this way, it’s only been a week with no food. But my god I can feel the affects I’m beginning to live something that I can’t believe so today Iv ate everything in sight drunk everything been to the shops to buy more too I can not let myself get into this state.
So I took a picture before I shaved off the mess on my face (trimmed) as it was so long and I thought I would look better…how ever the picture has made me realise the mess I look. A weeks worth of neglect and I look the worst Iv ever looked I was abso shocked it was not what I expected to see, the beard hid the state of me.
Even looking now I’m a total mess. It’s crazy how easily you can destroy yourself, I’m trying to sort everything out now. I’m not talking to my family, I’m feeling so lonely and I feel physically ill all the time but I will eat my way back to health.
But people thanks for the advice but I love her so much I don’t wanna push her even further away. I just have to dream and prey she will one day say hello again. To everyone I will try fix this and to my brain stop thinking crazy thoughts.
I’m feeling really ill and it’s self inflicted. My body really hurts. I’m so lonely too.
I need to say my blogs aren’t to make any feel guilty at all, I’m the guilty one not anyone else.
I’m not controlling or manipulative though at all, I accepted something that should never have been the outcome anyway. But I’m a human being I wanted to try anything to not lose my soulmate I was gonna marry her 12 hours before….again. Surely that’s understandable I waited 8months to tell her I love her.
Now I know everyone is saying I’m x y and z but I’m really not I’m just a guy who’s totally in love with this lass.
We can’t be together but we could been mates, I could have helped her smile and left her spare time busy.
But all a sudden she hates me again, this is her BPD and others telling her how awful I am isn’t fair, no one seen aimee happy like I did Sunday Monday and Tuesday! I just want forgiveness we shouldn’t be like this at all.
I love her that’s my only crime I love her to peace’s
So this blog has two purposes.
So the main being for me learning about people’s lack of understanding of mental health. It’s something that comes in all forms shapes and sizes and affects people in different ways.
Why do we understand a broken leg, loss of limb or other serious illness’s but we don’t respect mental health which is also deadly.
People act of character, thoughts and feelings take over people’s minds,brain and actions but it doesn’t mean it’s what they want or what they mean and this is without adding the challenges life brings ontop. Not everything is black and white it’s not simple.
Everything thinks they understand mental health but until you witness is and even experience it people are not open minded.
My second, is really kinda of…odd. I owe a hugh thank you to someone I don’t know lol Believe It or not someone has taken time out of there life to read all about me and has done somthing kinda out of this world. I have zero idea as to why but I can’t explain my gratitude. Thanks to them I kinda have a feeling within me…I’m not sure I’d ever experience!!!
So to this true ledgend…thank you so much!
This is again one of them blogs, I want to blog to get it out of my head but yet I don’t want it to be read and taken incorrectly…its a catch 24, how ever my feelings are true if nothing else.
I am struggling a little at the minute, I keep reading how difficult of a time she is having. I get angry at the dates she has the way people cast her aside, I get angry at the lack of support she is receiving etc.
I long to have an opportunity to talk to her or be able to support her, but I am not in a position to she still has so much hatred towards me that she has zero to do with me regardless of how lonely she maybe. Yet people want to show how great they are and can offer a little here and their which look fantastic truly is great, but what about when she really needs it? I get people can offer advice to keep away from me, or people can offer to go for drinks or coffee or dates are after one thing with her…yet why do people not offer true support, you don’t need to remind her to eat you don’t need to wrap her up in cotton wall and as I learnt you certainly don’t need to try to hard, but seriously why is no one doing the basics?
This poor girl has just come home from 7/8 months in hospital then tried to instantly continue life but that was always going to be extremely difficult, but why has no one been there for her when she needed them or offer the simple stuff.
I am rambling but it drives me nuts. I am on nights tonight and have been awake today at home I went for a run yet other then not a lot, how I would have loved to been able to spend some time with her, how much I thought I wanted to drive to see her.
I recently got asked by a lass at work about her, apparently im so enthusiastic about describing how amazing she has done etc, to the point she thought she had began talking to me again and said iv done amazing to stick it out for her…. yet she hadn’t a clue. I have not stuck it out for her I still love her to bits but that’s just me it means nothing as she still can bare me but it doesn’t stop me being proud of her.
I just wish all the people who are not in my shoes, who she cares about who have the opportunity with her, realise how special she is support her and for god sake stop taking her for granted.
This is a kinda reply to someone’s blog…no prizes for guessing who lol
I wanted to blog about a feeling I go last night, again. It’s the feeling of regret, disappointment…the feeling of loss. My friend told me big secret about him starting a family, so pleased for him but quicker then gratitude my heart sank.
His getting married which that feeling makes my heart sink too…why you ask?
That’s because I thought I would have been engaged right now, I should be moving out this year and I want to be a Dad but their is literally only one person I want to and have her thought about experiencing it with that’s my beautiful ex, but because of an illness I don’t think il ever see her again 😦
Today she blogged her regret, this is my response… you don’t need to have regret, life throws challenges at us, as a couple we were jinxed as we received more challenges early on then people experience in a life time. This challenge though it got to you, it changed you with out you realising, mental health is serious and Uncontrollable. Through out all of this situation I remained hopeful to Aimee in the sense that anorexia had made this girl I didn’t recognise but remained strong at Aimee, people hated me, my family didn’t understand me but they didn’t know Aimee like I did, in the time we were together we instantly clicked and got each other and understood so much about the other. So I knew that this wasn’t my Aimee this was her illness I maybe would have appreciated other people’s understanding but no one gets it accept Jamie and Aimee. To see your steps forward still make me the proudest man on this planet I smile when you smile and cry when you cry. It pains me that your in pain and joys me with your success.
I don’t expect you will ever let me back into your life, but it will never stop me being proud of you and happy to have meet my soulmate and been in love with you.
I am 31 and want to settle down, I wanna get married and start a family, it’s a shame I don’t think anymore it’s gonna be with my best friend and soulmate.
But I want her and the whole wide world to know, I am so proud of her and she owes me zero apologies.
I have learnt so much and changed so much it’s just a shame we can’t share it together to be even better.
Life is a strange old thing!
Running, so this is helping me escape now it’s running out side in the fresh air listening to music and pushing my legs though pain, feeling the sweat on my body and fighting the urge to stop.
My heart sank last night Aimee on a date, smashed mine to peace’s again, but I sat tight and will weather this storm like all the others. My heart sank even more though that people won’t look past her illness even though I’m sad I’m not part her life I really want her to be happy. Why can’t someone love her as much as I do and it pains me to say.
Back to me…so I was up at 0800 picked friend up me and him went for breakfast then shopping at Freeport and then Colchester for running stuff, we had a good morning had a good laugh and most of all kept my mind busy.
Came home and just smashed another run this one was an amazing speed, focused not Aimee but me it hurt like hell but I pushed so hard. I’m not chilling before going out for coffee then visiting my mate on my way home then out tonight with the boys a very busy day.
Now I wish she was part of my time off, but I can’t make her.
But my life is turning into this run it’s bloody tough but I have to keep pushing and keep running and not stop!!
Big black clouds came over my world they took away everything I had, my dreams, my heart and my life.
There are moments that breaks in them clouds let the sunshine shine through, this makes everything seem better but it just hides the fact the clouds are there and there full of a massive variety of weather phenomenons.
No body seen the hurt I feel, no body sees the spinning of my brain or the screams for help in my head.
The loneliness is awful, at night the silence is so noisy I hear my ex girlfriends voice, I hear her laughter. Then the black in the room becomes bright as memories fly around the room and while this all happens your heart sinks and the tears become real.
As I’m not in hospital and not diagnosed with anything I’m not entitle to hurt, I’m not allowed to struggle and I’m not allowed to care.
I was blamed for the mood swings, I was blamed even for the illness and also blamed for slowing recovery, but this wasn’t meant it was pain it was hurt it was love, but this is totally acceptable by family and friends, but not by me.
The love you have and believe makes you fight not because your crazy, evil, toxic or any other words…it’s because like no one else has before your not giving up on someone because you love them, but the feeling you get when ya told it’s making them worse your making them cry.
You become a stranger, strangers become best friends and your still just a name a blame and someone that’s used to release inner thoughts.
You sit from a far and you worry, you sweat at suicide story’s you shake at reading sectioning threats, but as the lights go out and the tears become real your love means nothing your tears don’t care and your name is still in lights, but as an evil person.
Blood pours from your arm, tablets fizz in your drink, driving and crying suicide sets inn, why? Why be selfish? Why be selfless?
No one knows what we fill inside, no one knows what words mean to you, all the blaming blogs how words and sentences here and there affect the most… yet for all this you continue to smile at progress you feel there smile and you hear their tears and feel them against your skin, then as you prey for someone to help them you wake up to your name in lights again.
You want to scream you want to cry but you just continue because you can’t stop loving and it would be so much easier if the feelings wasn’t so special.
You continue under the clouds, while hers show sunshine you have to sit back and be no part of the world you once lived inn.
Your show your proudness and try to be nice but again you names in lights your the problem.
While you sit at home in the dark in a room where ya have put the birthday card with the Christmas card, the pain is no better then tears won’t stop but I don’t matter because I’m not in hospital.
Gratitude is not required, you know you did a great job, you know you played as massive part in helping someone, but someone to you is your soulmate someone to them is someone they hate…an your name is evil.
I don’t blame, her I don’t blame the family, I don’t blame the hospitals or workers….I blame anorexia and I blame myself.
I sit here and feel the power of thunderstorms atm as my world is struggling to cope with sheer strength of this storm.
But I don’t matter…so it’s fine!