I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

Crazy 48hours

So the last 48 hours have been crazy to say the least, I sit at work right now having sneaked in some sleep a very proud young man.There are 2 reasons for this see if you can work them out.

2 days ago my ex who I wasn’t talking with properly after messing up with anxiety, well she asked me if I could pick her up from work….this is where it begun it turned out she had been trying to take her life she had tried to throw her self down the stairs the day before and had that morning taken an excessive amount of pills and wasn’t feeling well.

I collected her she was like a lost child, she was on edge, staring into space and looked like a ghost she was so ill, she is anorexic to so her life is spiralling out of control, she didn’t look like the girl I feel in love with she doesn’t have the energy to even talk anymore, once upon we would laugh, sing along and just be generally happy. 

This completely snapped my heart in to peaces, how ever I kept it together and made her go to A&E we spent 5 hours there but had a good chat while waiting she opened up about her feelings and explained how she feels she can turn to me about anything (that made me smile) but I held her hand and went and seen every doctor and nurse with her (I did hide from the needle bit tho).

There was a moment when she was told to take her jumper off…8 jumpers, tops later she got down to just 1 and they lifted her top up wire her shall I say and I couldn’t look because she is all skin an bone 😦 she looked ill it was like a Skelton laying in a bed look like she wasn’t meant to come out she looked on deaths door I had to dig deep not to show how deviated I am. I promised the doctor I would take her home and look after her at mine. I got her home and we talked loads about us and her and she said she was giving me a chance but my last ever chance which TBH didn’t bother me, what did bother me was her.

Then yesterday 🙂 she had zero sleep I didn’t get much but she started making a difference and she still can’t see it but we were up and at her doctors for opening we got an appointment and she went and finally decided to get some time off work to recharge..step one. 

She then asked me if I would do the hardest thing Iv ever done in my life, she asked me as she was scarred if I would sit her mum down on my own and tell her what’s been happen as her parents no nothing she hides from them….so again I had to find some words and hold my nerve and I sat her mum down who i don’t know amazingly and tell her that her daughter tried to kill her self and is eatting her way to death too, how I kept that one cool I will never ever ever know but I did it for the girl I adore. Then our journey continued to her next appointment I took her to see her food councillor, this wasn’t a success she has been told they are beginning to search a bed for her to omitted to hospital, she has to drink some stuff to give her energy so she can do stuff and she has a milkshake diet as she won’t eat but just about have a milkshake. This is again heart breaking I don’t want her taken away for a length of time 😦 il miss her too much.

She has agreed to spend my 4 days off with me so I can help her an look after her….an to thank me she has booked us a couple night in my home (fav place) the other end of the country she’s never been but it’s my safe place and just wow she really didn’t need to but she wanted to say thanks and knows how special that place is to me. 

I am going to make her have a fun weekend she will smile 🙂

I just want the little princess back I adore so much, I wouldn’t done any of this for anyone else.

She’s so special and she will read this at some point and when you do I want you to read me tell the whole wide world you are one special young lady, your strength is commendable and I am so proud of you for fighting this, life is cruel and tough no one chooses to suffer, but you choose to beat it and that you are 🙂 you should be proud.
…an the second person I’m proud of me, I’m sooo proud of myself I wrote some awful blogs over the months and didn’t know if I’d still be here today to write but now I don’t know how I did it but I made myself realise and I’m not the same person at all….I dropped her home yesterday and she called me so happy her mum knew and was supporting her, when she hung up I cried on the drive home lol sooo dammm proud.
Anyway I rambled but, never give up on life it will get better. 

Happy Wednesday people 🙂 

It’s not being a mug….it’s keeping a promise 

So over the past few months Iv had some massive struggles but one massive struggle is watching someone else struggle.
So someone important has been struggling all her life building upto her mood at present and over the last 10 years had experienced a roller coaster of emotions good times bad times and the worst times but some how she keeps going and I commend that strength and bravery I’m not sure I could do it.

Food…. we all eat food, breakfast, dinner,lunch, supper, snacks throughout the day it’s nothing and a pleasure to you and me, how ever for some people food is a devil it plays with your mind the image that is seen in the mirror is the total different to what really is standing there, a restaurant can be scary, your heart pumping, sweaty palms, thoughts running through your head, when the most important thing on the menu becomes the calorie count not the sickly ingredients in the Sunday ice cream or the size of the steak or the amount of animals in a mix grill (sorry veggies) calories rules your choice and ruins your night.

Shopping becomes a task a weekly shop contains a few tins, bit salad, a yogurt for a treat and that’s about it (apart from sweets of course) but the shop is a very well drilled mission all food is check for fat contents and all sorts (I’m not too sure) but while I wheel around the isles pushing an empty trolley I wounder do I look stupid swinging around and crashing the trolley or the fact two of us participate in pushing a trolley with no food hmmmm.
So selection of food is not a quick mission, how ever the thought of food and needing to lose it out the back door shall we say is very important. Terrible phrase never again. 
How ever laxatives have become a part of every day life for her, this is my down side I struggle to watch the pain she is inn in the middle of the night, the pain she tells me about all day, the Hugh need to go to the toilet no body should be poping pills and drinks syrup stuff (I’m technical I know) the mess these so called drugs have on her body breaks my heart she knows that.

She tries so hard but thoughts are to powerful when you are so weak.
This evening she told how much she weighed and the number is incomprehensible it is scary, she lives at home in a loving home with food not in a poor country.
The happiness in her voice though when she does take a pill or survives a day with out food… destroys me I hear that voice when I close my eyes, it beyound sad.
This girl was once apart of my life in a big way, don’t get me wrong I don’t recognise her serial dating, making mistakes and repeating daily sometimes. An il be honest she will read this bit…. she knows too she has not treat me very well over time and is lucky I guess (sounds so big headed)

How ever

This the important part, once upon I told this young lady I loved her and she one day would be my wife, but when I said that I made a promise to who ever was above that you gave this opportunity I would re pay you by sticking by this girl…

I am stupid and an idiot at times not bad bad may I add but I lost what I had and I miss my old life soooo bad, but made someone a promise and that I would repay them for my little happiness by making sure this incredible girl always has me not matter what. When people say “I love you” they hardly mean it but one day when you do,  your know why I do what I do.

People call me a mug say I’m silly your being used I feel a mug sometimes, how ever no body ever experiences a bond two people have, supporting her is important to me but it’s painful to sit back and watch her life change when I know the little girl inside is screaming for me…I just know.
So to people who say I love you to someone…. think will you still love them when they hate you? Will you still love them when they are no longer them self, will you support them in something you hate….if you can, then cherish your moments! Don’t regret like I do and most all stick by them.
Don’t judge a smile as there is so much going on inside.
Ps this to show I understand I listen and always pay attention, may not like it but I support it as it’s your choice.