I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

#day9 things that make me happy

Okay, so things that make me happy are spending time with loved ones and special people.

Now I don’t have a close bond of people where I currently am, but I love spending time with certain people or person.

Also for me visiting a city I grew up in brings a lot of good memories for me I restarted my life there it’s very special to me.

But when someone does something for me I value this sooo much, makes me happy. I was today brought a cake from someone….nothing at all really something totally silly but makes me sooooo happy someone went two seconds out of there day to do something for me it’s so rare it means soooo much.

Also music, nothing makes me more happier then a good old sing song in the car cheesy music I can sing my head off too cool or not I do not care.

And my last thing is flying of course, nothing is more amazing then hurtling down a runway and taking off fighting the wind and looking at the incredible sights below you, its special makes me very happy.

#day5 Someone I really care about

Okay so this one is going to cause a stir, but someone I care massively about is my ex girlfriend/ best friend.

We share some of the best memories and some of the worst together.

So growing up I didn’t have anyone even family, so when I meet her and she done so much for me I loved it. This girl would move a mountain if she could, she would help me through struggles, she would bake me cake (she’s an incredible baker) she would hold my hand, we cuddle all night long and hold hands asleep so we knew each other was there we had an amazing connection.

We could spend hours laughing at each other to the outside world we wasn’t pleasant to each other lol we would call each other names and pick on each other an that is because we are so comfortable with one and other, we are the boy/girl version of each other it’s a unique thing to click the way we do.

But what makes her special is the tough times, I suffer badly with anxiety and ATM it’s trying to take over my life and right now we’re not talking properly because of it but normally she would been there she was the whisper in my ear “it will be okay” the holding tighter of my hand and keeping me busy she knew what it was and how to help she would help anyway she could, for the first time in my life I felt safe I felt I had someone I could rely on someone who understood and someone who had be as a priority.

Iv never cared so much about a human being as I do right now, Iv not slept properly again this time hoping she had a good night and made it home safely…I miss this one so much.

There isn’t another human on this planet that could ever compare to this beautiful, pick and mix eatting, milk shake drinking , special singing, incredible baking, most the time ultra loving young lady. She holds the value for me.

#day5 dream travel destination and why

Okay this one is probably going to be Iceland, recently it seem ice cold mountains seems to be the place to go.

I enjoy being outside and walks and Iceland seems one of the most beautiful walks on this planet mixed with outstanding volcanoes and of course the northern lights it’s defiantly a place I’d like to tick off my list.

#day3 where would I like to be in 10 years.

So this isn’t the best blog as I’m about to go to sleep my life is so exciting I’m going to sleep early so I don’t get bored.
Sooo 10 years my dream has always been to be a commercial airline pilot it’s the childhood dream, it the inner geek in me Iv have a passion for aviation and it means the world to me to try be something I don’t believe I can.

I dream of being settled with a wife I adore, someone who cares as much about me as possible. Someone who wants to wake up and listen to my rubbish everyday lol 

I’m clumsy I do some crazy stuff at times so someone who want a laugh will defo get that with me.

I’d love a family, a sentence I never thought I’d say until my ex girlfriend… secretly dreamed it would happen.

I wanna be a good dad is my dream I wanna give a child/partner the love I have I wanna show the world I’m better then my dad and I want a family so I feel I have somit on this planet.
But these are dreams you think ya close to them all then you lose the lot!! Iv more chance of being the next Donald trump then I have any of them.
Most of all I wanna be free of this anxiety demon I wanna be able to live a normal life and not lose people who I adore!!!

#Day2 – The good the bad the ugly about me

Sat day 2 here goes, not a subject I enjoy.

The good, i believe in people, I value people so much because of life events to feel comfortable around people is important so when someone shows me this i repay.

I have a big heart when someone means something to me I will do anything for them I put myself a distant second take them places do stuff because I wanna show them what they mean to me. I still now spend every second worrying about someone who currently hates me yet I can’t stop myself worrying about her that I believe is a good thing to have a big heart. 

I care to much tho and this moves me to the bad, I care so much I begin to worry about someone so much I forget I’m living my life I spend all my time trying to make others happy I let my self get in a rut and I let people walk over me and I even apologise for it and that’s because I’m simple I like a simple life.

The ugly….anxiety, I found myself recently trying so hard for something that I couldn’t stop, something that was nothing and I could stop and I was losing control I began to say stuff I didn’t mean to get any reaction just to hear from someone, now that’s bad when ya care that much but the more I was being horrible the more I was hating myself the more I was worrying… I had a full on panic attack I was on my own and petrified I was shaking, couldn’t breath, I was in a mess and it took me hours to calm down this the ugly my brain my anxiety turns me into somit I’m not, my only way of coping is with people around me and I no longer have anyone….but hey that’s a different thing 🙂
Hope day 2 was okay 🙂

#day1

What,why and where you write.
So I write mainly about how I feel, I have had a mainly crazy, confusing and upsetting life I write about something that’s happened during that day or recently and I write about aimee….so aimee is my ex girlfriend she is also my first love and hopefully still my best friend.My life is crazy I want to kill myself one day, I wanna marry my ex the next and then I’m gonna battle life the one after my head don’t know what it can do. 

But it turns out my life choices are now based upon my childhood, being abused as a child and ignored as an adult apparently isn’t a good combo for someone’s brain lol

Why do I blog, to release my inner thoughts and honestly try and explain to aimee (her name will prop up a lot) what I mean when I say things or how I feel, because sometimes things are misenterupted and blown out proportion and there’s not always a straight forward way of explaining it.

Where, now I blog generally when I’m going to bed I lay in bed and this is when I’m most vulnerable when I most need to talk so I let it out, during nights shifts at work too that’s s time my brain goes over drive so I can pin it all tiredness and loneliness.
So that’s day 1, hope it wasn’t to rubbish.