Sorry

It’s nearly 1am and I’m in a bit of state, todays been awful.
It’s got me thinking as normal, being spat at like your scum and being told your a peace of s*** from your own Dad his words have hurt because I hate him, but his supposed to be my Dad his supposed to be proud of me not treating like dirt.
Then my true love comes to my mind, I can’t stop thinking about her at the moment. But if we’re as incredible as I describe which isn’t a lie, why does she hate me so much?
It’s me, I have caused all of this. I have been racking my brains for what seems forever and all I can think of is the mistakes I made originally, I messed up I did something I hate myself for, I scared her I got obsessed and I did try to grab it, it’s doesn’t matter what my reasoning was I did…my split moment stupidity I did, it the biggest regret of my life, then when we broke up I messed it up, I tried to hard to fix my mess. But when she got ill my way of apology was to give up my life to help her, it pained me literally pained me to see her basically dying. But everyday I felt the guilt of scaring her, being a total a*****e.
But I had changed, an I thought I had done some good.
We had fallen in love for real this time and I thought she has forgiven me and this was fresh beginnings, I loved her so much I wanted to marry her everyday I was so proud that Was my girlfriend I’d tell all of social media everything I didn’t care what she weighed or any of her problems I adored her but I treat like my bride to be and messed up when others had taken over I thought it meant I had failed her, I felt I needed to be the one that made it better I had to because I needed to make a Mende.
This has been the most traumatic experience of my life, this should be the greatest and it’s all my fault, I made the biggest mistake of my life the first time round and I thought I’d made it right but now it’s all I can think of that I did wrong.

I feel like I deserve this feeling. I’m not crying as I’m a mess or feeling suicidal.
I just feel like it’s all my fault I deserved to lose my dad as I’m an awful son and I deserved to lose my beautiful girlfriend as I was a terrible boyfriend.

Everyday I dream of things getting better not with him just her but they never will because this is all my fault.

She doesn’t read any of this….but to god I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart 😢 I didn’t mean any of it and I thought I had put it right 😢 but please please please stop punishing me, I beg for forgiveness I just want to be loved by my mum, Dad and most of all Aimee 😢😢😢

My dad today…

I’m fu**ing fuming.

I am so angry, as per usual my phone has been cut off because my dad won’t pay the bill and won’t pass owenership of the account.

Iv driven to his, to ask him to please get my phone reconnected, I said I would sit in my car and await.
He flipped started shouting and screaming at me, but I ignored and went and sat in my car.
He came out his house banging on my car window trying to open the door calling me a peace of sh**, telling me I’m a useless son as he had a suspected stroke not long ago, calling me a joke then he used the c bomb, yeap that disgusting word is how my own father has described me as I asked him to pay my phone bill Iv already paied him for.
I saw red and jumped out my car I said you don’t not call me a c*** to which he raised his hand to want to hit me, his fist clenched to punch his son….wow luckily he changed his mind and slammed the door. I don’t we completely shocked……I sat purched on the end of my bonnet.
He then opened the door and called the police then hung up an Walker towards me and …..brace yourself, my dad spat in my face over my glasses and called me a waste of space!!!

I do not know how I kept my call.

I am literally raging. So my brother has spoken with him and my bro has paied the bill again, yet I’m sitting out side his house still and I can’t move I’m fuming.

I cried my self to sleep last night at missing my ex girlfriend my best friend, yet she hates me still so much then today my father the guy who made me his blood has spat in my face and called me a waste of space.

I have zero idea why I deserve any of this.

The one person I wanna talk to….won’t, it’s times like now I wish she could stop hating and punishing me.

Needed to blog to see if this calm me down

Crazy

This is going to make me sound crazy but I honestly not.

I can’t stop obsessing about my ex, I hope recognising this is a good start, but I don’t know how to fix it.

We split in June, as she was and still suffering from a mental illness this made her argue with me and she finished it because of this.

I feel like I spend my whole day thinking about her. My thoughts go from blaming myself for her ill, regretting the breakup to worrying I won’t ever meet someone else, to wondering if she’s meet anyone else to replaying moments in the relationship. I am blocked from every social media related to her but I still find myself finding ways to look.

We were together on an off for a year, the last part was our longest and most successful yet most challenging to with her illness. I was just about ready to commit my life to this girl.This is what makes it feel worse is as a couple we were on the up on the high and it ended out of anyone’s control.

The only time I get a break from it all is when I’m asleep if I sleep and when I’m really busy at work but even then I’m not completely focused, But weekend and evenings are 10 times harder.
I’m not really upset or sad, as Iv kinda accepted it but the obsessing is driving me insane. I feel out of control and it’s damaging my self esteem comparing myself to other guys on social media who are now more important then me.

I was driving through a local town the other day close to hers and I caught a glimpse of a car that was similar to hers,
Now I have no idea if it was her driving or if it was even her car at all, but now my mind in making up all kinds of scenarios like her off to visit a new boyfriend, wondering what she is doing or where she is going, yet I don’t even know it was her.

I know on the outside I have a good job, I positive future yet why am I obsessed with my past, I wouldn’t say I have nothing going for me to stop me meeting someone new. I know this is irrational and insane behaviour and I want to stop it, I’m just not sure how.

Double edged sward

So it’s a double edged sward.
I was right, but why couldn’t I have been right 6/7months ago.
My ex partner said we were the problem that just argued and were bad, I knew that wasn’t the case.
But trying explain that was a losing battle, today she’s been told she has a personality disorder this is something that really became clear during her time at hospital 1 for me, id not recognise the girl who would flip one second and be loving the next. Out last argument she flipped over nothing then was fine. It all makes a lot of sense.
But it doesn’t mean anything, again it’s just an answer an explanation, it’s not gonna fix anything.
I can’t explain how much I miss her atm, I can’t tell you how much I want cuddle her and talk to her, I can’t explain how much I wanna say the words I love you to her.
She’s coming home and I’m gonna read an watch her start a new relationship I know it and I’m gonna be still here wish anorexia and all the other illnesses she caught had not ruined the best thing to happen to us both.
This time round was real, I can’t stop thinking about what should has been, we should be moving out this year, planning our wedding thinking about a family moving on with our life’s together…I drove home today and should have been driving home to see my fiancé but instead I see my ex girlfriend online dating trying to replace me.
It’s been a really tough week this week.
I really miss her!

Just got tough again

I’m failing again, my moods dropped I thought I had fixed everything then this week everything has gone wrong.
It’s my ex’s blog at the weekend she described us as “that couple” and that we should be planning our wedding in 2018.
Yet I’m in Newcastle having my belated Christmas as I was working, yet I don’t want to be here… not that I know where I’d like to be.
I spend way to much time online dating, talking to a complete mix of people or trying the art of conversation these days is incredibly difficult.
Iv been on dates with different people, the most recent was stunning like people didn’t believe she had been out with me a few times, she lived in a mansion had a awesome job, was fun, witty…. everything you could want. But I stopped it because it wasn’t Aimee nothing can come even close to what that girl made me feel no one I talk to makes me smile like she used to. I meet her the same way, yet the connection we had was just geeky odd instant it was just crazy.
Sunday we were at my friends for new year everyone was in couples accept me, yet for every single couple in the room none of them looked like they had the connection me and my ex had, one couple were screaming and shouting as per they are the worst couple ever yet…there still together 😦
This make me sad, I had everything I ever wanted and I believe If it wasn’t for anorexia this would be a different blog, life is so cruel.
Yet as I try to find someone worthy to talk to it just doesn’t work and I’m just attracted every time to my ex’s profile.
She has zero idea how and incredible woman she is, an as the week goes on she is nearer to coming home it’s affecting me big time, I don’t know why I can’t quite explain but before she went to hospital no1 this was a completely different story, while her treatment is amazing…what I have had to lose as the boyfriend and as a couple is heartbreaking.
This week has been emotionally very difficult to deal with, I wasn’t expecting it to be.

Smile :)

So I just wanted blog a hugh change.

So I spent so long trying to communicate with my past, yet I was making my self unhappy, sad, depressed etc etc all the above I tried everything to talk to her as I was madly in love with her.
But a few weeks ago I stopped, I had had enough of trying and upsetting myself.
If the love was so strong…I wouldn’t have to fight for it.
This weekend has been incredible, I have a smile again. It’s been coming just needed to get moving.
Friday night was amazing, had a great night surprisingly but still, followed by Saturday night…which was amazing, but as was the works Christmas party in London, it was brilliant I haven’t smile and laughed so much In ages.
My colleges are incredible, they were telling me how concerned they had been about me, just felt again so appreciated 🙂

It’s been a weekend of realising, no matter how much you love someone you shouldn’t have to force yourself to have a space in anyone’s life because if they really know your worth, they will surely create one for you.

I need to appreciate what I do have, have time for people who want me to be apart of their life’s and embrace a smile not worry and self confidence!!

This is just the start of a journey, life’s always a journey but Iv stopped driving around the roundabout of life atm 🙂

 

Crazy 48hours

So the last 48 hours have been crazy to say the least, I sit at work right now having sneaked in some sleep a very proud young man.There are 2 reasons for this see if you can work them out.

2 days ago my ex who I wasn’t talking with properly after messing up with anxiety, well she asked me if I could pick her up from work….this is where it begun it turned out she had been trying to take her life she had tried to throw her self down the stairs the day before and had that morning taken an excessive amount of pills and wasn’t feeling well.

I collected her she was like a lost child, she was on edge, staring into space and looked like a ghost she was so ill, she is anorexic to so her life is spiralling out of control, she didn’t look like the girl I feel in love with she doesn’t have the energy to even talk anymore, once upon we would laugh, sing along and just be generally happy. 

This completely snapped my heart in to peaces, how ever I kept it together and made her go to A&E we spent 5 hours there but had a good chat while waiting she opened up about her feelings and explained how she feels she can turn to me about anything (that made me smile) but I held her hand and went and seen every doctor and nurse with her (I did hide from the needle bit tho).

There was a moment when she was told to take her jumper off…8 jumpers, tops later she got down to just 1 and they lifted her top up wire her shall I say and I couldn’t look because she is all skin an bone 😦 she looked ill it was like a Skelton laying in a bed look like she wasn’t meant to come out she looked on deaths door I had to dig deep not to show how deviated I am. I promised the doctor I would take her home and look after her at mine. I got her home and we talked loads about us and her and she said she was giving me a chance but my last ever chance which TBH didn’t bother me, what did bother me was her.

Then yesterday 🙂 she had zero sleep I didn’t get much but she started making a difference and she still can’t see it but we were up and at her doctors for opening we got an appointment and she went and finally decided to get some time off work to recharge..step one. 

She then asked me if I would do the hardest thing Iv ever done in my life, she asked me as she was scarred if I would sit her mum down on my own and tell her what’s been happen as her parents no nothing she hides from them….so again I had to find some words and hold my nerve and I sat her mum down who i don’t know amazingly and tell her that her daughter tried to kill her self and is eatting her way to death too, how I kept that one cool I will never ever ever know but I did it for the girl I adore. Then our journey continued to her next appointment I took her to see her food councillor, this wasn’t a success she has been told they are beginning to search a bed for her to omitted to hospital, she has to drink some stuff to give her energy so she can do stuff and she has a milkshake diet as she won’t eat but just about have a milkshake. This is again heart breaking I don’t want her taken away for a length of time 😦 il miss her too much.

She has agreed to spend my 4 days off with me so I can help her an look after her….an to thank me she has booked us a couple night in my home (fav place) the other end of the country she’s never been but it’s my safe place and just wow she really didn’t need to but she wanted to say thanks and knows how special that place is to me. 

I am going to make her have a fun weekend she will smile 🙂

I just want the little princess back I adore so much, I wouldn’t done any of this for anyone else.

She’s so special and she will read this at some point and when you do I want you to read me tell the whole wide world you are one special young lady, your strength is commendable and I am so proud of you for fighting this, life is cruel and tough no one chooses to suffer, but you choose to beat it and that you are 🙂 you should be proud.
…an the second person I’m proud of me, I’m sooo proud of myself I wrote some awful blogs over the months and didn’t know if I’d still be here today to write but now I don’t know how I did it but I made myself realise and I’m not the same person at all….I dropped her home yesterday and she called me so happy her mum knew and was supporting her, when she hung up I cried on the drive home lol sooo dammm proud.
Anyway I rambled but, never give up on life it will get better. 

Happy Wednesday people 🙂