Don’t really know what I wanna write about yet I wanna write.
So let’s try and explain, so I have a close friend who is very important to me very I would and do anything I possible can for her.
She stays at mine with me quite a bit ATM, this morning she cried and said to me she felt were acting more then friends and was confusing her (I didn’t think she liked me…. in fact I thought the opposite) how ever she’s happy when we are together and we’re both single and not doing anything wrong, so why cry.
She got let down by a friend for tonight and she got all depressed and just sat in the coffee shop and starred into space.
Yet I tried and tried and tried to help but it just didn’t work it wasn’t me she wanted to be around so she quickly escaped to get away from me, I did how ever tell her to come see me later so she’s not alone I wanna make sure she’s okay, she said yes hesitantly I knew that meant no but don’t wanna say it.
She has been out on a date with this guy a couple of times, who was only interested in her for one thing and is selective when he can be bothered yet even with his terrible attitude, he has all her attention and if we asked to her tonight she would be there or probably will be anyway.
I just feel like I try so hard yet everything I do is incorrect, I go out my way to make sure I do correctly and bend over backwards to be there. But it’s clear il never be special but the way it makes you feel when you know when someone acts like a a******e and is a stranger compared to you is far more important and clearly can’t do anything wrong.
You start questioning what you do wrong and how you can be so useless at everything…clearly, why can’t I be the first thought not a chore! Thoughts running around….quick way to get confused and fed up and now you realise il have deal with it on my own.
Loneliness to me is not sitting in the corner on your own or hiding away from the world, it’s about feeling as though the world has been put on fast forward and everything and everyone is rushing around but because your not fast enough you don’t see it properly no body stops, everyone just continues there journey, best you can pray for is someone trips over you, but even then you have to apologise.
So having a massive group of friends spread over the country sounds great how can you be lonely right? Social media people make you seem like a ledgend they look up at your achievements they like your posts they tell you how much they miss you and remind of good times…
But why just good times?Who’s there when I come home at night after a bad day at work? Who thinks on xmas day oh I must say happy xmas to them? Who thinks il go out of my way to check how there doing?
I lay in bed recently and smelt the perfume of a special young lady in life, yet I lay an smelt it and think about her then I think about my friends and I pray she would be there holding my hand or my friends calling to say hi, I also think of everything Iv done recently and realise I made all them occasions happen no one actually went out there way for me….. but it happens and you realise to everyone your just a option or a back up your not actually a selection anybody has made…. but they appreciate you being a MUG.
Iv also learnt that being nice doesn’t pay, you go out your way to make someone feel special do anything and everything to make there day…yet your not important you a time passer, a moment, your not special…yet your loneliness tells you it’s okay this is all you have, deal with it.
So I remain like an ant in a desert there’s nothing around, nothing, no one, if cry no one sees it, if I scream no one hears, if I ask for help no one cares, but if I make a mistake everyone hears, this makes me wonder what’s the point?
Do I really have to continue? No one would care… no one would notice