Showing love

I was told if I loved her I would leave her alone…I loved her more then anything in the world so I’m doing it.

Tough but if it’s the only way I can show her how then it’s all I can do. 

How ever, things have changed. I’m not in a stupid mood, I don’t wallow anymore I’m sick of acting a victim life’s shit stuff happens deal with it so I am. I have some flying exams coming up Iv saved loads from all my hard work so I’m about to finish it off now 🙂 I do however keep getting poorly all the time I actually have no voice atm which makes work interesting lol 

Iv Run two 4.5 mile runs this week, having a running partner who’s pushing me hard ready for the marathon I am determine to do it in style lol 

I did read a comment tonight saying I miss people but I know I can’t…part me thinks that’s me, an I wanna say you can miss who you want there are zero rules in this life except the one do what you wanna do not what others tell you and there someone words that really need to be remembered.

But who am I kidding I know deep down it wasn’t aimed at me.

Anyway every enjoy your weekend 🙂 remember do what you wanna do and don’t wallow.

Two things Iv learnt 🙂
Happy blogging folks 

What a day it’s been 

What a day…
Sooo my day lol
I get a rather angry text message from a girl I took out a few times, who thinks the sun shines out my backside as much as I wish it did…it does not. I rather gently told her that she wasn’t the girl I think about…to which she reacted by going to my house lol
Luckily I was at work and she delightfully left me a bday present “to show me how special I am” ohhhh mann what have I done….not my style at all I just can’t like her not sure I can anyone right now.
I then was in the car when we had a smash straight into the centre reservation of the motorway through pure shock I found it hilarious, how ever we could have actually very easily died.
I then read a blog from her, which made me intiching to tell her well done on her bakery trial and how proud I am and that I want to give her that cuddle and tell her everything will be okay more then anything in the world…but I’m not allowed.
And then…… this happens…

I have a place in the marathon, omg it’s incredible I am the jammiest ever. How ever it was Aimee that made me apply one I will actually die and two this is somthing I link to her the good part of our relationship and somthing I dreamed we would experience together, so feeling a bit emotional.

What a rollercoaster day…think I should go to bed now lol
#mystory #notwallowing #trying #yay 

It’s getting harder to cope

How have I got into this hole?
Where is the ladder out? 
I’m crying as I write this, Iv blood on my pillow and my arms soar…why am I doing this 😢😢😢 

I was supposed to go out but I can’t leave the house 😢😢
I got ready to go out and didn’t wanna, so Iv sat in bed and cut the edge of my razor the have just a blade on it, I cut my arm the other day but high up out the way…this time it’s visible 😢😢 why why am I doing this 😢
I have tried talking to my only friend and she doesn’t get it so I’m keeping it all to myself, im so lost atm I don’t anything I’m not bothered by anything and I feel so lonely yet weirdly I’m always getting offers to go out but I’m not interested by any of them 😢
I don’t understand how this has happened again the last two weeks are worse then ever 😢
How did my perfect life turn to this hell 

Wake me from this nightMare

Iv woken up and my heads pounding…I’m sweating yet it’s freezing 😦
It’s Aimee, Aimee Aimee bloody Aimee it’s always Aimee lol all day i was thinking about her, I was meant to be working today and part of it was to be in London I spent 3 hours exploring…all it made me do was think of her 😦
I miss her sooo much, nobody has any idea how much she means to me, she’s my absolute world I’d literally die for this girl. I wouldn’t left her for the world even when she was so ill I would never have given up on her intact I loved her so much it made her split up with me 😦
I hurt every second of every day, because she hates me I blame myself every day because she hates me. But I love to peace’s even now I’d marry her tomorrow if I could, I watched a program and they were talking about engagements and how they asked they laughed about spending there life with one person…I can’t imagine my life with anyone else, I don’t wanna experience all the scary things life has to throw at us with anyone else but my crazy soulemate…the girl version of me 😦
Every girl I talk to I compare to her no one in the world is her, no one has her personality her heart and not even close her beautiful face.

Iv seen a pic of her from tonight and I cried, I just miss her so much she is the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world she is absolute perfection, Iv never ever ever been so envious of guys she chats too.
I’m really fed up atm and there a girl who wants come to mine tomorrow because she worried about me, she doesn’t no me very well but she’s worried about me…it’s nice someone cares but I can’t let her come here…it’s only Aimee that’s ever been to mine and this girl as lush as she is doesn’t even come close to the girl I called my princess 😦
My heart really hurts my head really hurts… this is the worst heart ache ever.
I want to and will write a blog I’m working on to paint the true picture of Aimee, but I want it to read perfect and that’s because she is perfect.
I am talking to my self when I say this but I love you every day no less if anything even more, I’d give my right arm for 5mins with her again, the most perfect girl regardless of what anorexia has done she’s still the girl of my dreams literally.
Night night world…if I don’t wake up from the nightmare..I don’t wanna wake up 😦  

Misinterpreted again

It’s been misinterpreted again.
I’m being described as nothing a complete nothing. Just the past.

I’m described like the worst thing ever, like did I imagine everything that happened?
I don’t try and make anyone feel bad it’s me that’s made to feel bad. I was made to feel this is my fault and knowing what my weakness is, there fully aware I would struggle in this situation.

So making me feel awful, ignoreing me and make me feel responsible knowing this would make me suffer.
I don’t paint any pictures or the one they think is actually wrong. 
I just don’t understand what ever happened, how did it go from helping someone to them then hating you. Then now because I blog and say I struggle I’m the one who’s causing all the pain…
IM NOT DOING ANYTHING … I just miss you, an I have no closure 😦
I will never understand why I’m being punished.
I’m so sad 😦 this is the worst Iv felt and her dating is destroying me 😦
I’m at work now and staring at the scissors….is it a good idea?? 😦
How has this bloody happened 

Can’t take any more

I’m not sure how much more I can take.

It’s got so bad again, I do know why now but I can’t say.

Iv never felt this way before, I feel like someone has put me inside a goldfish bowl I need to speak to Someone but i keep banging on the glass and they hear me but walk away.

I don’t know what to do, it’s destroying me ATM, Iv again stopped eatting, sleeping it’s getting bad.

I had to apologise to a lass yesterday for maybe leading her on, I ended up explains why she can’t be rude about my ex and I end up crying in front of her like wtf how is someone still contuieing to make me feel this way?

I keep getting all my past memories with her up in my stupid head ATM and I don’t even feel like they are real they couldn’t have happened.

I see her online dating and it kills me abso destroys me in fact, I read her blogs she’s lonely she wants a relationship 😦 I can’t read it with out my heart sinking.

I think I may have to stop following her.

I don’t get it, I wanna scream “I love you” I care, I miss you…all the above. I don’t want get her back I just wanna be civil, or just a clear the air to help me through anything…she suffering but she has zero idea the suffer I’m going through.
I want this nightmare to end it has to be a dream, I don’t wanna wake up anymore I just want it to stop 😦 
I’m beginning to hate life

:( steps back 

The last couple days have been awful, I don’t understand what’s happened.

Iv taken massive steps back, I’m feeling depressed. Iv got upset twice today 😦 talking about someone.

Just wish I knew what had triggered this but it’s horrible. I’m back to work tomorrow after 12 off and I am dreading it 


I found this quote and it sums up my feelings ATM massively.