I can’t take much more guilt, I hate me

Oh my actual god.I have just spoken to my friend and cried and cried and cried I screamed I can’t take any more of this, my life is being destroyed. I hate life more then I ever have and the guilt I hold is weighing me down, I won’t do anything now that makes me happy or smile or anything because I’m not allowed she is suffering so I need to suffer. I do nothing but work sleep.
My friend told me that she was always proud of me for what I did not sleeping to take her to appoiment, asking my family to help out, telling her mum about her illness because she couldn’t, I seeked help when I couldn’t tell anyone she told me if i did she would never talk to me or even kill herself, I couldn’t take that chance. I helped convince doctors I’d look after her so they wouldn’t section her more then once I agreed to look after her. I took days off work called in sick changed my days off stopped working my second job stopped seeing my friends I did everything humanly possible to help her make her bothers wedding more then anything. I would do shopping with her I’d remove labels from food, I’d try make her stick to her meal plan i annoyed her but I wanted her to make this massive occasion. 
I used to go to work shattered as she never slept, I’d call her when I could to make sure she was okay, I communicated with staff at her first hospital to make sure she was okay, I left work in the middle of a night shift done a 4 hour round trip to see her at hospital so she wasn’t alone and she wouldn’t even talk or look at me, but I did it because if it was me I’d appreciate it.
I helped her make this wedding and what a magical weekend it was…I will honestly never ever forget it.
Then my worry and concern was turned into me controlling, this was not the case at all I worried its natural she tx me everyday to say she wanted to die.
She went to her next hospital and said goodbye to me in the morning after my mum an family looked after her for a week so they didn’t section her and I never heard from her again, just to say she couldn’t give me what I needed and that she didn’t feel anything.
This broke my heart I love her of cause it’s going to. I massively fucked up, I tx loads to get answers and frustration hit in it made no sense I’d done all that then all sudden I’m a stranger…in fact strangers were more important. Eventually I was blocked but before I was, I was told I’m killing her by msging her I’m ruining her recovery, police would be involved the hospital say I’m slowing her recovery….I literally couldn’t believe it, I was bereaving the loss of what I thought was my future wife. For the next 5 weeks I blamed myself I stopped eatting I hide food in my car the bin I don’t eat just because I can’t be bothered it punishes me and I deserve it as I’m killing her, I don’t talk to anyone really I have no friends I cut myself off from the world I work every hour work want me too stop me spending a day hating myself, Iv taken up cutting myself do on my leg so no will see but I deserve to be in pain, I sleep 4 hours tops every night I close my eyes and dream of her I have nightmares about how much I let her down. I can’t talk to people on the phone because I just hate people hearing my mood I haven’t smiled or even done anything in months, I just want to punish myself.
Then tonight I msg her again I’m missing her yeah I’m stupid but I miss her, an I get told I’m giving her family her stuff tonight, tomorrow night, the weekend, via post or taxi all this while I’m trying drive in middle no where in the pouring rain. So I call them and I get told that it’s my fault again if I had told them earlier none of this would have happened now I nearly crashed the car….what? Are they serious? What should I have done? I can feel my self getting upset at this point, I can’t take anymore blame what’s the next step how can I punish myself even more?? These people don’t see the affect a statement has on someone they don’t need hate me I hate myself enough, I blame myself for all this it’s all my fault she’s done well to get rid of me. But I don’t I have to live every single day in shame in guilt, starving myself, ruining my own life as it’s what I deserve. I can’t take much more of me I hate me so much I’d love to have the guts to end it all I don’t know what’s next to punish myself but il find it and I won’t stop either I’m obsessed with punishing myself.
I tried to talk to her as I think a normal convo with her would have easied some my guilt but it’s not what they want they want me to pay the price for her ilness.
Il happily do it for them.
I am away work related and I told them this but they are shouting at me tell me a date time place for her stuff, I can’t I don’t even no my name let alone dates times places with work I don’t no how comfortable I feel about going certain places etc but they don’t stop I get in after nearly 10 hour traveling on 3 hours sleep and it continues pictures of laws and telling me hospital say they have a case and that they have seeked advice and have copy’s of msgs and recordings of calls they then call me an record again….I breakdown at this point I can’t cope with people reminding me over an over it’s my fault they all blame me…I’d kill me if I had the balls.

Then they call the police my family are woken up by the police as they fear for my life, I’m not home I told them this I refuse to cooperate with the police as this is a fucking joke now. So now I have to drive to a police station or I’m gonna be on a wanted missing list wtf Iv been up for hours an hours I had my day ruined by these people and now it continues, this is incredible.

Now all I ever did was help there sister and I’m repayed by now hating my own life, I never felt so guilty Iv not got see the police I’m basically being bullied and I helped her when no one else would and because I loved her an msged loads they want me to pay for it….an I am! 

This is the worst Iv ever felt in my life, this is worse then being abused. The one person Iv loved more then anything and this is the memory and thanks I get 😦

I don’t want my friend to be proud of me no one should be proud of me this is all my fault and I can’t live with this guilt much longer.

I’m just sorry I didn’t do more and I hate life but most of al I hate jamie I fucking hate you so much!!! 

Me

As a child, we should be loved and enjoy life like an adventure and should look forward to everyday to experience something new and gain more experience to help us in life.There was a part of my life now Which contains no memory’s at all nothing I remember well, apart from school I was lucky I was fairly popular and made lots of friends which made school life fine.

Home life was different, every morning you would not know what was next. You would awaken but wait, if I got up to toilet and it wasn’t the right time or made to much noise that would be it, I would sit in my cupboard of a room (I wasn’t allowed the full room so I had a single chair bed in a cupboard because he wanted an office) I lived my life in the cupboard, I did have a nice view tho.

When he was up and out of bed I would wait, wait for a sign that I could get up I was to scarred to leave my room on getting up, if he was on a bad mood I’d need an excuse to go to my room. He once was in such a bad mood he would just remove his slipper and hit me around the face and back as hard as he could the rubber sole became a print on my body while laying on the floor and be hit an hit an hit I would cry and just take it, wondered if acting dead would make him stop anything eventually he would stop as say go to your room. I would go to my room and could sit or lay anywhere from pain and burns even tears on my face hurt. The door would be closed and every single footstep would be an alarm please don’t come in and he would come in my room and say why are you crying you stop or il give you something to cry about. This was regular every few hours this could happen, if it wasn’t a shoe it would be a tv remote, a rolled up paper or book, it was also my crutches when I broke my leg and even had a glass hit off my head.

The point I’m making is I spent my life worried I’d upset someone living in fear and that all I wanted was to be special to someone.

I had been treated bad off ex’s before until last year I meet a girl who….made an effort for me, it began odd she wasn’t sure then did somit stupid but I forgave then we had time apart, then we ended back together when she got ill. But this was different I this time felt safe she helped move away from him in my life it changed so much for me, she battled my corner with everyone she loved being with my and was greatful for me and all I did for her, she turned to me in moments of darkness I began to feel that I had a purpose in life and it was to help someone I loved she trusted me to help her an I did I did everything maybe to much but I was repaying someone for being the first human in my life who I loved who actually made me no1 and made me feel safe.

My worry for her when she was sick was through the roof I loved this girl to the moon and back I’d actually die for her she meant that much. 

But it was to much for her she thought I was controlling I wasn’t I was just scarred for her I couldn’t lose something I dreamed of all my life by her dying.

I was jealous of a couple people who meant more to her then me all a sudden I didn’t feel needed, she didn’t trust me to do anything grown up she needed her brother to do it. Lots people treat me like an absolute idiot I am clumsy I guess.

I lost her because I was controlling 😢

Today I just think about that feeling she gave me it’s like the boy who hid in the cupboard had a girl who came and got me she took me away from the house helped me smile and enjoy my life she was the first person who genuinely cared for me made me feel special.

I don’t have anyone in this world and didn’t need anyone she was more then enough.
But now she no longer needs me she is getting on starting a new life beginning again, all she wants and needs are her brother and sister now.
I feel like the guy back in cupboard, there’s no one out side the room to worry about but I can’t get out the cupboard, I look at the window and see her out side struggling but making it down the road and all I have of her now is memory’s and pictures, that picture when I close my eyes her I close my eyes every night and think and dream of this angel.
I never missed my life so much, this time was real to me, I wanted to make her my wife I was so proud to call her my partner. I just explain why I feel like this or what I even feel. But I hate myself so much everyday I blame all of this on me.

I just wanted to explain why I worried so much and why I love her so much I’m not a bad person.

Sorry if this makes no sense, I’m just finishing the end of my 84 hour week I barely know my own name l Happy weekend people 🙂
I wanna thank everyone for all the likes and follows it makes sense a difference 🙂 

Idiot

What’s wrong with me. Really hate some stupid things I do.I commented on her blog, why why why why why you absolute idiot, I know I shouldn’t and she be annoyed at me even more now. 

I was just so proud to read her achievement, being someone who witnessed her life away from hospital more then anyone I was bursting with pride like I was sitting next to her. I wanted to tell my family look look she’s done this it’s amazing….but then it hit me, I shouldn’t have said well done 😦
I’m not allowed to tell her well done anymore, my family would be proud to know but she doesn’t want me telling them…realisation hit home, bang!!! Welcome back.
Then I reread it and read how amazing everyone else was again, an realised she doesn’t want me to be proud she wants her loved ones to be proud the people who she cares for, I’m not entitled to feel this way. Iv no right to still love this girl when she actually doesn’t love me anymore and in fact she hates me.
I text her and told her I’m sorry I can’t removed the comment and I shouldn’t have wrote it, an I shouldn’t have I’m not allowed to try and talk to her. Now I hate myself more for realising how awful I am.
Things like today should be me and her where as in reality I’m nothing anymore…the worst thing is I’m nothing to myself either, I just keep plodding around In this bubble literally with zero vision, hope or even motivation but on a positive I’m not depressed lol 

I’m so annoyed at myself!

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend 😊

The fight

So my brain is fighting with its self.peoples advice is all different my heart my head are not sure. It’s confusing.I freaked the other day, been blocked for so long I got used to the odd msg helping me knowing it wouldn’t send…but Monday it delivered, I dropped my phone on the floor and panicked like mad.

But why? I’d dreamed of hearing from her and what not but right now I jump every time my phone lights up incase it’s her I’d be to scarred to read a text from her yet it’s all I want at the same time.

I’m scarred it will be horrible she has so much hate towards me it’s unreal, I don’t wanna be shouted at.

My councillor suggested I try talking with her, I said she hates me…but she like everyone else says she doesn’t she’s just not well which I understand but I just feel she does hate me and blame me.

I read her blog about how she’s getting on and it’s amazing she’s getting better but heart breaking to hear her brains trying to fight with her over the ilness.

I read earlier how she wants a new life and a future….an it really hit home, I miss her so much I thought my new life was gonna be with this beautiful girl my future would be with this future girl.

My head hurts it so lost, people are telling me such conflicting stuff and I feel I’m. Being realistic but yet I know I’m so hard on myself….I wanna marry her still cause I do I can’t imagine my future with anyone else and all that happened is completely understandable…..but I’m to scarred to communicate with her but like wise would love too.

Iv zero idea.

This 7 weeks has been a huge rollercoaster Iv learnt loads about myself etc etc not all good but ya need bad to create good, but my feelings for this girl are just ridiculous I also found out how much I did love her….this illness has put a massive scare on her but also has ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Mental health is the worst situation as a couple you could deal with!!
Life is never simple is it!!!
Happy hump day people 🙂   

Greatful

So after watching the most addictive tv program ever lol It got me thinking about her…seeing as I know she no longer reads my blogs, I decided I could say this out loud.
On walking into the bar on our first date I had no idea it would be a moment that would change my life and I would experience feelings I didn’t know exist. 
I write in fear that no words can do her justice this very special girl made life so easy for me to act myself around her. I used to count my lucky stars and I felt honoured to call this girl my girlfriend.  

We had some challenging times but I wouldn’t change any of them, as they made us stronger people, these scenarios made me realise I found something in someone I didn’t realise i could find.

With all the hard times I would have probably lived a short life through stress lol but would have done it just to be with the girl version of me.

There are amazing ways to describe her to visually see her beautiful presence is easy to see, but to get to know someone and realise her true beauty is within the heart she has and she shares it with others and this is a special sight to witness.
An I wanna thank her for not only making my journey but making me live my dream. To have been able to have my dream is amazing and I couldn’t have imagined it with anybody else.
I have been down recently as I lost my girlfriend, she let me go due to her being very ill which shattered my heart…but now I’m fine and realise I should just be lucky to have experienced something some people never get too.
I’m grateful to have some incredible memories and I feel so privileged to have said the words I love you. 
I close my eyes and whisper good night to her every night, we may no longer be together but I haven’t stopped praying for her health and strength.

The next day

So I didn’t sleep a minute last night. I don’t like the day time so I try to be tired to sleep all day but it doesn’t work. I can’t get it out of my head, I’m still be punished and everyone’s being turned against me, I’m an awful human bein. How the hell has this happened??? Like why?
I feel like I’m not punishing myself enough, what should I do? 
This shouldn’t be happening, why is it? Why does everyone hate me? Why do I hate me?
What’s the point in me being alive? So much going on in my head, it was just getting under control…Iv had 3 nearly 4 weeks of this now… my life was great, I went to work and said good bye to her and didn’t realise that would be the beginning of this torture… I need to end the torture, I can’t take anymore, this isn’t a life it’s a mess! 

Steping backwards

As the week has gone on, my mood has massively changed. I no longer get upset I’m no longer angry.

But I can’t do anything, I’m not working for a bit but all I can do is sleep, Iv no energy to leave the bed I keep ignoring all my calls and texts I just and stare at the TV I watch nothing just hours and hours an hours of nothing. I am doing the complete opposite from looking after myself, I don’t eat I don’t exercise I don’t smile I don’t go outside I don’t think, think anything…just nothing at all, the world is just blank it’s black and empty.

I had just stopped wanting to punish myself, then tonight somit happened which made me realise I’m still to blame everyone still blames me and so should I, I got to the stage where I don’t wanna do anything I might enjoy or do anything that may make me smile even eatting I don’t wanna let myself eat, I wanna punish myself I hate me.

I actually got dressed yesterday and put my shoes on to go out side but I opened the door walked out the room door turned back round and went back to bed, I laied on the bed then forced myself out the room….and after I closed the door after me, I couldnt go anywhere I sat on the floor and then had to go back to bed and went to sleep. I don’t wanna go out side, I don’t need to so don’t want to anymore I don’t wanna do anything talk, eat and most of all smile.

Punishing myself is ruining myself, just don’t think il ever forgive myself!