Aimee

What do you do, how do you look at things? How do we know that black is black and white is white? Because people tell us, but what is it really?

Me and Aimee had to breakup as her family don’t like me. This has been caused by multiple errors from us both but family love each other and some can forgive and some just can’t.

 

I have had a whole mixture of feelings towards aimee these last few days, anger, love, sadness, annoyance, jealousy and more. I take people’s opinion of me very personally and hate being described as a bad person when I try so hard maybe to hard at times. She has lashed out an called me controlling and manipulate and it hurt me as I just adore her so i decided I didn’t no what to do, I tried my hardest to put it right to talk to her everything humanly possible but she blocked me on everything in space of hours, I had decided I couldn’t do the 8 months again and thought what do I do, people say about ending it it’s a difficult situation maybe it’s an option, people buy the drink or find the pills or drive to the bridge but I wanted to do it, so I do. Did I want to die? No of course not dying scares me but I wanted out of misery, it could of and should of killed me I shouldn’t be allowed to type this message.

But I didn’t try to kill my self because me an aimee finished, I didn’t want to be painted as a bad person again and really didn’t wanna go through months on heart ache. But it’s not aimee’s fault, she has no responsibility she’s not to blame, she was just apart of the situation.

Right now, I’m making silly choices but I’m not falling apart. I’m missing aimee like crazy but I’m calm. I don’t want to talk with anyone but I don’t want to argue or complain. I don’t want to eat or drink but I know why. I don’t want to put on the tv or PlayStation I don’t wanna hide away from stuff. I don’t want to read a self help book because I don’t need too. I don’t wanna get a quick date to feel better. I don’t wanna cry but I do but I am allowed to cry.
Aimee doesn’t get emotional on line, aimee likes to date to help move on, she doesn’t mention me, maybe blames me a little, she like to paint a smile and not shout about the tears…but it doesn’t mean her heart doesn’t hurt as much as mine it doesn’t mean she doesn’t cry with me and it doesn’t mean she loves me any less, the ability to understand that comes from the connection we share.

But I got to put things right with my girl, I also got to realise that my aimee was infact the one my soulmate it wasn’t fake. I get to realise that we love each other to bits even now I know she loves me, my one is aimee J and I’m lucky that she has that title. But I’m not angry at Aimee, I may cry an even now I’m holding them but I will get to go to my grave very confident that she will love me always like I will her. Some people never get that bond, I will think of her every single day, an il always wish she was my girlfriend, my wife and my baby momma but I will never forget her ever. An I would do the whole 8 months again to be able to be feel so loved, to be able to laugh uncontrollably to be able to smile it hurts to have so much love for someone you go mental with out them. It’s a connection I can’t describe or ever repeat. Meeting someone who makes you wanna be an adult, makes you wanna push your limits and experience every single thing the world has to offer…it’s a good feeling 🙂

I’m not sure what I wanted to happen Friday night, but I still think I would have been happier if it had worked, the pain would have gone and I would have felt free.its very hard to explain.

I’m so sorry to everyone Iv ever hurt for being clumsy, I’m sorry to people I put through my crazy moments and I’m sorry to peoples opinions but I don’t care I will always love Aimee.

But overdosing is dangerous and stupid my body hates me right now I’m
Struggling, it’s not an answer to anything trust me. But I want everyone to know no matter what I do or how I act, I am in fact fine.

But to my friends to my family and to my aimee, if you look in the sky and see an aeroplane, no matter what happens or where I am, I will probably be looking at it then too.

 

Crazy 48hours

So the last 48 hours have been crazy to say the least, I sit at work right now having sneaked in some sleep a very proud young man.There are 2 reasons for this see if you can work them out.

2 days ago my ex who I wasn’t talking with properly after messing up with anxiety, well she asked me if I could pick her up from work….this is where it begun it turned out she had been trying to take her life she had tried to throw her self down the stairs the day before and had that morning taken an excessive amount of pills and wasn’t feeling well.

I collected her she was like a lost child, she was on edge, staring into space and looked like a ghost she was so ill, she is anorexic to so her life is spiralling out of control, she didn’t look like the girl I feel in love with she doesn’t have the energy to even talk anymore, once upon we would laugh, sing along and just be generally happy. 

This completely snapped my heart in to peaces, how ever I kept it together and made her go to A&E we spent 5 hours there but had a good chat while waiting she opened up about her feelings and explained how she feels she can turn to me about anything (that made me smile) but I held her hand and went and seen every doctor and nurse with her (I did hide from the needle bit tho).

There was a moment when she was told to take her jumper off…8 jumpers, tops later she got down to just 1 and they lifted her top up wire her shall I say and I couldn’t look because she is all skin an bone 😦 she looked ill it was like a Skelton laying in a bed look like she wasn’t meant to come out she looked on deaths door I had to dig deep not to show how deviated I am. I promised the doctor I would take her home and look after her at mine. I got her home and we talked loads about us and her and she said she was giving me a chance but my last ever chance which TBH didn’t bother me, what did bother me was her.

Then yesterday 🙂 she had zero sleep I didn’t get much but she started making a difference and she still can’t see it but we were up and at her doctors for opening we got an appointment and she went and finally decided to get some time off work to recharge..step one. 

She then asked me if I would do the hardest thing Iv ever done in my life, she asked me as she was scarred if I would sit her mum down on my own and tell her what’s been happen as her parents no nothing she hides from them….so again I had to find some words and hold my nerve and I sat her mum down who i don’t know amazingly and tell her that her daughter tried to kill her self and is eatting her way to death too, how I kept that one cool I will never ever ever know but I did it for the girl I adore. Then our journey continued to her next appointment I took her to see her food councillor, this wasn’t a success she has been told they are beginning to search a bed for her to omitted to hospital, she has to drink some stuff to give her energy so she can do stuff and she has a milkshake diet as she won’t eat but just about have a milkshake. This is again heart breaking I don’t want her taken away for a length of time 😦 il miss her too much.

She has agreed to spend my 4 days off with me so I can help her an look after her….an to thank me she has booked us a couple night in my home (fav place) the other end of the country she’s never been but it’s my safe place and just wow she really didn’t need to but she wanted to say thanks and knows how special that place is to me. 

I am going to make her have a fun weekend she will smile 🙂

I just want the little princess back I adore so much, I wouldn’t done any of this for anyone else.

She’s so special and she will read this at some point and when you do I want you to read me tell the whole wide world you are one special young lady, your strength is commendable and I am so proud of you for fighting this, life is cruel and tough no one chooses to suffer, but you choose to beat it and that you are 🙂 you should be proud.
…an the second person I’m proud of me, I’m sooo proud of myself I wrote some awful blogs over the months and didn’t know if I’d still be here today to write but now I don’t know how I did it but I made myself realise and I’m not the same person at all….I dropped her home yesterday and she called me so happy her mum knew and was supporting her, when she hung up I cried on the drive home lol sooo dammm proud.
Anyway I rambled but, never give up on life it will get better. 

Happy Wednesday people 🙂