Love

Today has been frustrating, I can’t bare being painted into a monster. People are sharing there story’s of being abused and comparing them to hers, I’m not like that in any shape or form. But I’m a strong believer and was willing to try everything in the name of love…even if my attempts were kinda clumsy.

I have love in side of me that is so strong it’s made me cry, it made me suicidal and it made daily routines impossible…love is a powerful feeling.
The reason we fall in love is down to person you fall in love with, you can have a connection with people some sexually some intellectually…but a connection that causes you to lose control at times and causes you to be the happiest ever and sometimes saddest is a connection that not many people ever truely experience.
My experience was crazy, for me my love is based on this…
The instant connection with a stranger who instantly isn’t a stranger, the speed in which your friendship develops with out a day feeling like it’s gone by. It’s about sharing you deepest darkest and personally secrets with someone who holds your hand and says “you’ve got me now” it’s the little things, it’s the going to a restaurant and picking each other’s food, it’s the sharing of dinner with out asking, it’s drinks being ordered by choice for each other, it’s the small things. It’s when she turns up at your house with your both favourite stash of sweets and fizzy pop. It’s the way you sit across from each other and bully each other alone and infront of others, while holding hands or cuddling. It’s about doing crazy things, laying outside in the cold watching stars or looking aeroplanes in the dark (personal thing) it’s about being tired but being tired together. It’s about caring so much what the other persons family think, it’s about watching her interact with your family and them falling in love with her too. It’s about falling asleep with her and talking about your future your dreams your family. It’s about walking through shops and imagining your future it’s about planning your future it’s about wanting no one in your further but them.
It’s about holding there hand, it’s about crying when they cry, it’s about going out of your mind trying anything to see them better. It’s about not wanting them to die, to sit with them in hospitals but be scarred and try to help but not know how to then you mess up, but you keep trying.
It’s about losing them…but fighting for there love, losing your dignity and self respect in the honour of your love. It’s about spending everyday wishing it was a dream thinking of anything that could fix it, it’s about taking the blame and taking it again. It’s about gulping when she dates a new man because you still your bride.
It’s about not wanting to replace ever, it’s about not being able to replace.
It’s called true love, I will never witness again and I don’t want too. Because I was born into this world to me the most incredible girl in the world and I not only meet her I got to spend 14 months with this angel, I got to experience what I was born for that’s the word “LOVE” that four letter word when used properly, is crazy, unpredictable but most of all powerful.

#day8 my fears

Okay so playing a little catch here…
I have many fears in life but a few of the main ones are death, now death scares me which is odd as Iv thought about suicide before but death and closing my eyes and ever opening them again never thinking anything again or never talking again never moving just black just nothing it scares me yeah, I don’t want to die with out enjoying life and have experiences to which I’m currently doing neither, I’m scarred il never  experience true happiness for longer then small periods in my life.

I have a fear of being like my Dad, growing up my dad help contribute to a terrible up bringing making me the car crash of a person I am today, I never wanna turn out like him and I strive never to treat anyone the way he did to me.
Now last one is a touch strange, how ever I have a fear of heights lol yes I wanna be a pilot but I’m scared of heights I’m fine in an aircraft….just thought I would share that as it makes people laugh.