Love

Today has been frustrating, I can’t bare being painted into a monster. People are sharing there story’s of being abused and comparing them to hers, I’m not like that in any shape or form. But I’m a strong believer and was willing to try everything in the name of love…even if my attempts were kinda clumsy.

I have love in side of me that is so strong it’s made me cry, it made me suicidal and it made daily routines impossible…love is a powerful feeling.
The reason we fall in love is down to person you fall in love with, you can have a connection with people some sexually some intellectually…but a connection that causes you to lose control at times and causes you to be the happiest ever and sometimes saddest is a connection that not many people ever truely experience.
My experience was crazy, for me my love is based on this…
The instant connection with a stranger who instantly isn’t a stranger, the speed in which your friendship develops with out a day feeling like it’s gone by. It’s about sharing you deepest darkest and personally secrets with someone who holds your hand and says “you’ve got me now” it’s the little things, it’s the going to a restaurant and picking each other’s food, it’s the sharing of dinner with out asking, it’s drinks being ordered by choice for each other, it’s the small things. It’s when she turns up at your house with your both favourite stash of sweets and fizzy pop. It’s the way you sit across from each other and bully each other alone and infront of others, while holding hands or cuddling. It’s about doing crazy things, laying outside in the cold watching stars or looking aeroplanes in the dark (personal thing) it’s about being tired but being tired together. It’s about caring so much what the other persons family think, it’s about watching her interact with your family and them falling in love with her too. It’s about falling asleep with her and talking about your future your dreams your family. It’s about walking through shops and imagining your future it’s about planning your future it’s about wanting no one in your further but them.
It’s about holding there hand, it’s about crying when they cry, it’s about going out of your mind trying anything to see them better. It’s about not wanting them to die, to sit with them in hospitals but be scarred and try to help but not know how to then you mess up, but you keep trying.
It’s about losing them…but fighting for there love, losing your dignity and self respect in the honour of your love. It’s about spending everyday wishing it was a dream thinking of anything that could fix it, it’s about taking the blame and taking it again. It’s about gulping when she dates a new man because you still your bride.
It’s about not wanting to replace ever, it’s about not being able to replace.
It’s called true love, I will never witness again and I don’t want too. Because I was born into this world to me the most incredible girl in the world and I not only meet her I got to spend 14 months with this angel, I got to experience what I was born for that’s the word “LOVE” that four letter word when used properly, is crazy, unpredictable but most of all powerful.

Give me a break, brain!

At this particular second, my brain is hurting this is being caused by unfortunately an ever reliable friend Anxiety!
So I spent my weekend with someone very very special to me, I let her down massively due to my anxiety and depression a few months ago.
But decided when I realised what was wrong I would not stop till I had conquered it. I remember walking into the GP’s room and just didn’t no what to say how to explain or even say I wanted help. But few tears later I told them and I was signed up to counselling which hmmmm not sure but the worst part and for me the most scariest….tablets.
Maybe one day il tell my journey. But after so many down moments, sad moments, tears, confusion I somehow managed to show this amazing girl I’d made sooo much effort to fix things, she never said she can a difference but I guessed silence is fine when the time of day she was giving me spoke volumes.
All these moments fuel my train which is now moving quicker and away from anxiety and depression, which more to the point has lead to us spending this weekend together.

I am very cautious when I’m around her as to not mess up or upset the moment, it’s important to me she realises I’m never stopping with my effort to fix this it’s all different as I let my self down so bad through her so this is very important to me.

This weekend I tried help her trough some disappointments and succeeded, from Friday night I seen her smile lots and lots and laughter we had lots of fun this mixed with her and me being so stupidly alike…. who walks round a super market with someone goes hang on Iv just thought some thing else for lunch I want and she says il go get them you get the potatoes I had not even said what I wanted but she went and got exactly it…that’s crazy, so basically this weekend was amazing and refreshing from the dark emptiness of depression and loneliness for one weekend I ignored life.
How ever yesterday she woke up a little upset, said our closeness what blurring her mind and that she didn’t want us to be so close…. then changed her mind real fast.

Now I know what ya thinking, how ever I know it’s not she likes me…TBH loving wise she hates me, friendship wise I think she tolerates me, it’s defiantly not the black and white you think.

But that was it she never mentioned it again, we stayed the same way through out the weekend and she was happy.

Yet I can’t get the image erased from my brain I see her tears and just think it’s all my fault I never wanna see her sad or cry especially because of me it’s totally got to me, tonight I asked what was wrong and she said everything… I asked what an I’m one them things, apparently I don’t need to worry Iv done nothing wrong and nothing’s changing between us(the way we are is diff friendship…but all in a good way) which is great I should be happy been a brilliant weekend…. how ever I just can’t stop my brain telling me Iv done wrong, I’m gonna lose her from life, I’m gonna spend all my spare time again back In the dark place, the image of her tears wont go away, it’s all my fault…. why is my brain doing this it’s sure it ruins my weekend, why does this happen?

Sorry this makes zero sense just going with the whole write what my pea (brain) is thinking.