Right now 

**warning this blog isn’t aimed at being bad or painting pictures or blaming anyone**

This blog has come from no where, but like wise the tears streaming down my face too.
This blog isn’t meant to be mean to anyone!!! (I have to point this out again)
I went for a run tonight and had to stop to be sick and come home feeling ill, I went to work Saturday night I think it was having eaten dinner then threw it up, Iv been ill for weeks it’s getting on my nerves tbh!! I got asked when I lost my weight, I said after her when she was ill and we were good I weighed the most I ever have…got told it’s because you were happy, but it feels a lie!!

Iv meet someone new, I like her she’s lush but I just can’t 😢 again…I don’t know why. 

All I can do is miss her 😢 4 months today we were in Norwich, yet tonight I sit here with my dinner I can’t eat revising and I’m just crying for no reason.

Everyday I tell myself I’m fine and I do bloody try but I fail too, why am I upset?

How did I let someone make me feel this way?

I explained tonight how we split I said she stayed here I said bye when I went to work and Iv never seen her again, I got a msg saying I feel nothing and blamed for writing a blog saying I felt left out…I read that back and thought why?? Someone who loved me wouldn’t done that surely? Why? I just feel like all the good memories are a lie, like i meant nothing 😢

I read how she misses someone it’s not me, it be a different guy I see her online dating…this is nothing to her it’s normality it what she does to try feel better, I get that…but she has zero idea what the words do to me, I can’t explain the feeling you get as you read the love of your life is alone wants to talk to anyone…but not you, she can’t understand how it feel for me to read that!!!!
Iv tried everything to make it right, I don’t want much but some kinda understanding but I get zero nothing just abuse once in a while and a picture of me painted as an awful person yet 6 months ago I was her hero yet i do nothing and now strangers hold more value then me, it makes me feel so stupid for not realising how much she didn’t love me!!
I don’t even know the purpose of this blog, just needed to say it out loud!!! I’m not wallowing I’m doing well apart from being poorly and still missing someone who just hates me!!!

But the little words, pictures and sayings destroy me. I get told words hurt…yeah they hurt us all 😦 but that seems to be the aim!!! 

 

It’s getting harder to cope

How have I got into this hole?
Where is the ladder out? 
I’m crying as I write this, Iv blood on my pillow and my arms soar…why am I doing this 😢😢😢 

I was supposed to go out but I can’t leave the house 😢😢
I got ready to go out and didn’t wanna, so Iv sat in bed and cut the edge of my razor the have just a blade on it, I cut my arm the other day but high up out the way…this time it’s visible 😢😢 why why am I doing this 😢
I have tried talking to my only friend and she doesn’t get it so I’m keeping it all to myself, im so lost atm I don’t anything I’m not bothered by anything and I feel so lonely yet weirdly I’m always getting offers to go out but I’m not interested by any of them 😢
I don’t understand how this has happened again the last two weeks are worse then ever 😢
How did my perfect life turn to this hell 

London thinking 

Lots to think about choices to make where better to think then London, currently attempting to be a tourist on my own. Very bizarre feeling but comfort zones need pushing. Embankment is a crazy place lol
I have people in my head people go don’t listen to me people who wanna be in my life people I can’t have in my life and people who read situations wrongly.
There’s so much but also so little at the same time. I’m scarred bumping into her while here too petrified.
Iv been bullied, beaten and all sorts yet never has anyone hated me so much, it’s a feeling I abso hate and really don’t understand what makes it worse is it’s by someone I truely loved.
My weeks seem to get worse not better 😦 

Misinterpreted again

It’s been misinterpreted again.
I’m being described as nothing a complete nothing. Just the past.

I’m described like the worst thing ever, like did I imagine everything that happened?
I don’t try and make anyone feel bad it’s me that’s made to feel bad. I was made to feel this is my fault and knowing what my weakness is, there fully aware I would struggle in this situation.

So making me feel awful, ignoreing me and make me feel responsible knowing this would make me suffer.
I don’t paint any pictures or the one they think is actually wrong. 
I just don’t understand what ever happened, how did it go from helping someone to them then hating you. Then now because I blog and say I struggle I’m the one who’s causing all the pain…
IM NOT DOING ANYTHING … I just miss you, an I have no closure 😦
I will never understand why I’m being punished.
I’m so sad 😦 this is the worst Iv felt and her dating is destroying me 😦
I’m at work now and staring at the scissors….is it a good idea?? 😦
How has this bloody happened 

Signs = sadness 

I read about signs the other day…. Iv been hit with the same sign all day long, which certainly isn’t helpful.
So today no word of a lie 3 times Iv been asked, “jamie how’s that beautiful girlfriend of yours” from people in 3 different branches… how’s my beautiful girlfriend, well she’s still beautiful but as I accidentally discovered the other day “is seeking a relationship” and she decided to hate me too.
I was out in Newcastle Monday one of my friends didn’t no and didn’t believe me either, he said Facebook and Instagram we looked in love… ” well I was”
Then today a girl who wanted spend my day off with her…. I made cry 🙈 said I couldn’t do it, she said not me “it’s Aimee” I didn’t realise I’d mentioned her much, turns out way too much, she then said somthing unkind about her… and I hung up and won’t reply to her.
Yet I then seen her dating profile and just broke my heart again, it’s the worst feeling ever this time.
Yet no one is Aimee she was literally perfection, I can’t explain it.
I told that lass who was lush in every way people will think I’m crazy, but I told her it made me feel guilty seeing her as I care more about her blogs then this lass, she just wasn’t her 😦
But why does it matter? This girl doesn’t just not care she completely hates me 😦

This is what destroys me!

If I was on fire this girl would probs walk past me and kick me that’s how much she hates me. So why do I care so much 😦
Then tonight I cancel all my plans to stay in, I’m still not feeling great and have a super long day on the road but I flick on sky and what films available 
Sully….. No 🙈 I wanted to watch this with her for ages, she loved winding me up about it all the time lol even called the radio to tell them one hahahaha but I can’t watch it!!! 😦
This memory makes me smile every time, but makes me realise she was just perfect 😦 and makes me miss every single thing about her 😦
I feel sain, but I did think today I wish I was someone getting caught up in these bad attacks I don’t care if I’m no longer here…it’s like there’s no point with her.
Life mann 

I’m dreaming right?

So I found out through Facebook earlier my dad is engaged to his younger then me girlfriend who are expecting a child soon, combine that with my ex being so close by but who still hates my guts :(Like I’m surely gonna wake up one day and realise this is a dream right?
So I meet a lass who isn’t generally my type of girl more my brothers tbh a bit to Essex for me, but is a stunning girl and really canny and for some crazy reason stupidly keen on me, someit anyone wants right…but why isn’t it enough for me, I still think constantly miss and want the only girl who hates me to bits.
I’m nervous this weekend as I know she’s home, I’m nervous for her 🙈 I read her blog and get upset when I read she’s sad…I care way to much, but why?? This girl hates my guts she treats me like a bit of rubbish…so why can’t I hate her? 
This weekend is a struggle, I have full on flu I’m now on nights too but we are to short for me to call in sick. Just wondering what ever is next for me???? 
I could right a book, I just want a nice simple life…wish I had the life I imagined not this comedy show lol
Hope everyone is enjoying there weekend

A day with anxiety 

Waking up everyday more tired then when you go to bed. Sleepless nights looking through your phone looking at other lives and see how people are married, engaged and have kids and houses, everyone else is happy happy Happy.I get up and stare into space and forget basic life skills making a drink with out spilling it or collecting lunch for work I forget because my brain is thinking and thinking about anything and everything it’s obsessed with thinking.

People ignore you, someone doesn’t text you back or you’ve a reminder your single and you think why why what did I do what did I say why me, your brain goes round and round and round.

You imagine your ex is happy out and about your fiends are making plans with out you your family are avoiding you.

You begin to lose interest in everything work becomes a chore, eatting is a chore life it’s self is a chore your to tired.

Your brain is constantly thinking how to improve you keep telling your self why this is happening why that happened how you can fix it, who can help you fix.

You try and date as that’s the answer not releasing it makes it worse, you can smile and it’s gone you can get compliments and your fixed…..then ya alone and your brains back your back in this world your the failure again social media is happy happy happy, you add Instagram and Facebook pics to see likes to feel some love we blog random stuff to see if people care, we tx people to see if they care.

One person cares and we jump on there caring side we love them we adore them but how long will it last do we really?

We lose weight with stress and lack of food, we loose friends with negative behaviour we lose our jobs maybe our loved ones we lose everything apart from the thoughts the thoughts never stop.

Then you do get a few hours sleep before starting all over again tomorrow.

This ladies and gentleman boys and girls is what I go through every single day, to the outside world this is crazy and extreme but I reality to me and many others this is life and this anxiety.

Lying in bed very poorly, but watched a video that inspired me to describe what it’s like every day for me and many others.
Enjoy your weekend everyone 😄