Thanks and broken silence 

So it’s time to break my silence.First of all thank you to people and even the email from WordPress concerned about a previous blog I wrote, I am fine.
I decided to take time, spend sometime with myself. Which ultimately has proved to be vital 🙂
The last time I blogged things turned bad pressure from life and work and people had done it, finally got pushed to the edge I was adamant I was killing myself I didn’t want to spend another day blaming myself for someone else I spent a while hearing their words.
I was taught a trick though of an elastic band every time you thought something you shouldn’t ping the band….my arm was red for a while lol 
How ever with support from real honest people, things have changed I no longer blame myself, i am gonna hold my hand up and admit I made mistakes a while ago, but I had changed then when I supported her I was a good person beyond good in fact, I did things no one should ever have too do and took stuff I didn’t deserve…however admittedly my mistake was when she didn’t need me anymore I got confused and mixed with love and worry for her health tried too hard to talk…now if that’s my biggest mistake I hold my head high. I shouldn’t 

 be amongst the ones who should feel guilty. 
But you know what this now is my new life, things have changed around a lot in 2 weeks, I miss this girl every single day but stuff makes me realise she is just out to hurt me the guy who stopped his life to help them, I received a smashed laptop this week I gave that to her to give her something to watch tv on in hospital and blog with etc, I read her blogs and it’s just how others help her like no else has and how she wants a new life meaning I meant nothing, she’s seriously out to hurt me.
And stupidly I still love her and think about her all the time but I’m no longer a door matt I’m pleased she’s recovering I really am I have so much pride but I realise she doesn’t think about me she didn’t love me…why beat myself up. 
Well I’m not anymore 😊 life’s changing, time to change with it. 
Iv learnt everyone has a choice in life nobody’s decisions are made by anything else but them self, don’t kid your self and don’t be so weak that people walk over you. Stay strong.
But I’m me again, I let myself smile now 😄 I force myself to eat correctly, I am training like mad for my half marathon, I am doing amazing at work apparently, I’m back to studying my back side off and am ready for my first set of exams again to continue my dreams, but most of all people are mentioning I am my old self cheeky and talkative that to me is the biggest well done I ever need 😊😬
I don’t hate my old life, I certainly miss someone I thought was gonna be in it for ever…but this is her choice and I’m making the most of what I have left.
And if you read this…I don’t hate you!! An will always remain here for you, keep going because you have done an amazing job, I’m so proud to read your getting to a place I dreamed of the day you cried an apologised for being ill. 
Life is to short to be angry, depressed or hold grudges….I hold zero 😬

Positive to negative in one second/lost

So I was going to blog a very positive blog regarding some charity related stuff but it took a massive dive as I read something that has massively contradicted it all.
I am supposed to be running for the charity mind in a months time (having done zero training) I had sent an email to my crew at work and with in this email I explained what mind meant to me, I had been a witness to what mental health can cause the distraction I watched my loved one go through, I explained how mental health is also external as well as internal I watched my soulmate attempt to kill herself every day i witnessed her turn to a Skelton and live an anorexic lifestyle it was hard, I was a witness to suicide attempts, tears and tears, hospital, doctor appoiments I seen the scares from cutting her self I seen the look in her eyes at her reflection and the crying when she hated life…this was though, I explained this to people not so graphic but to a degree.
I received some amazing donations and some incredible messages, my boss told me what an incredible person I am and I am an inspiration for the amount I did Iv had crew ask me how she is and well wishes and how amazing mind is!!
But this girl now hates me and for all everyone keeps telling me she doesn’t, I know now she does.
Iv read how important her family are and that she has never felt loved like she does from them no one has ever cared for her as much…it’s gut wrenching to read that, it shows I failed I didn’t do enough everything me and my family did was of no use. I hate myself even more now, now I realise I’m useless.
Me personally am doing really well I’m back to where I was but it’s made me think and I’m lost ATM but I realised I don’t have anyone in the world no matter how bad everyone’s life Is I don’t think mines bad but…it’s not great, Iv not done anything for 6/7 weeks Iv not had one alcoholic drink since I was with her last Iv been out once about 5 weeks ago, I literally have no friends I have nothing, i removed Facebook as it was depressing me, Iv no one to support me my dad called me yesterday first time in about 4 months….he wanted to borrow money, my mum won’t talk to me because I’m not the happy jamie I used to be my brother just cares about his work and my friend in Newcastle I think got sick of me being down. I’m no longer down but I’m so lonely I’m currently working 7 12 hour shifts in a row today is day 5 and it’s because Iv no life, but I’m not depressed I don’t get or can’t explain this feeling. It’s like Iv given up so much that I’m no longer even depressed about it. I’m literally just existing and I just seem to find out more an more reason to hate myself…Iv reasons to be positive this week but nah Iv just lost more sleep and gained a migraine every day.
I’m at work now, my job involves flying aircraft basically from the ground lol Iv just helped save us from an accident 2 hours of calculations calls talking to the flight in the air and Iv managed to keep us going…I actually do contain a brain and and I was so proud of myself but then 2mins later I realise who I am and I stop my self being proud of myself…an I think who can I tell this good stuff too…oh yeah no one. Il just tell the white wall I stare at in my room or the wooden desk I have at work.
It’s odd though, because I’m actually fine I’m not negative surprisingly I’m not suicidal I’m not depressed I’m just soooooooooooo lost and lonely.
I lost so much them weeks ago.  

The story 

So I have blogged quite a bit in the last month I have tried and tried to explain everything and to be honest I still don’t feel like Iv got out what I wanna say, this could be because I don’t know what I want to say.
(Quick brief my girlfriend was diagnosed as anorexic and was dying she wanted to die and was moved to now two hospitals and has been in care for nearly 3 months)
I began by being confused why my beautiful princess had got this illness, how she was knocking on deaths door and why I couldn’t help her.

Then she finished with me and I didn’t understand why I thought she loved me and at the same time she was dying…my mind was all over the place.

I became angry and believed that someone had used me and my family I was really annoyed I felt I’d been walked over.

Then I got blamed for killing her, I turned suicidal I tried to finish my life in guilt, I stopped eating to punish myself, it got out of hand.

I messaged her all the time with utter confusion, heart break and anger some messages weren’t great and I began to hate myself so much, life was dark things were tough I set out to destroy my life as I felt guilty. 

We did have a few arguments which began when she went into hospital, every single one was revolved around food or hospital or food or food, I would take a lot of her moods but I did it because I loved her and believed the real her didn’t mean any of this towards me.

My efforts were seen as controlling but couldn’t be further from the truth I worried naturally I worried my beautiful girl was trying to die every single day surely that’s enough to be on edge and constantly worry. 

I did get jealous of her family who finally helped but began pushing me out I know longer mattered my views didn’t matter and I was no longer needed to which now they got that…I don’t blame them it’s a blood relative I was just the boyfriend but all a sudden I didn’t matter to anyone
I’m gutted with my reaction the confusion, heart break and so much more.

I didn’t know what to say to her I didn’t want to believe it, I never thought this girl would lie when she told me she loved me, it had to be the illness.

I shouldn’t have said I felt used but…it wasn’t a lie even now even today I feel used but I’m accepting of it and also accept it doesn’t actually mean that’s correct.  
But turns out there’s wasn’t any need for me to be so dam hard on myself I had a right to be upset I did deserve to be annoyed and maybe I didn’t deserve to be treat that way…my reaction still wasn’t great though.
I am though Proud that I actually meant I loved her, I’m proud that regardless of what reaction I stayed true to the words I told her. People throw love around like it’s a everyday word but to say it and mean every single letter from the bottom of your heart means Iv been true to myself and true to her.

I was blamed for slowing her recovery, by her, her family and apparently staff…how ever instead of beating myself up about it I know now that I was used as an easy excuse and she believed them not me unfortunately.

We have so many memories her brothers wedding being one the best memories of my life I couldn’t have experienced anything more amazing with anyone else and her family included it was incredible but the biggest memory for me was the night she spent in hospital she was so ill I couldn’t even look her body how skinny she was, I went to the car to top up the car park and remember crying I called my friend and said she’s dying she’s going to die if she doesn’t stop this. She held my hand for hours she cried her self to sleep I remember she didn’t think anyone cared she was so scared and watching someone you love so much in that state was beyond awful.

What really hit me was the support for me, no body appreciated what I had done previous it was all about now all a sudden they just hated me it was all my fault and that she needed rid of me, not the fact that she had fallen in love with this guy he made her smile and happy and even helped save her life, washed away her tears. She has a mental illness clothes selecting was impossible let alone this kinda stuff.

I do think about her every single day. She is my first and last thought of every single day. I feel like I sing to her to and from work I know the healthy girl in her misses “us”

I sometimes get seriously hard days where it’s a struggle all I want is someone who cares and mainly just her I want her to just make me smile, give me a cuddle and just squeeze my hand as she tells me she loves me. I have text her phone knowing she won’t read it just to say I love you, is that weird or sad lol

I read her blogs about her life and struggle and it makes me sad and happy. I’m sad this beautiful girl has such a struggle it’s sad I can’t just cuddle her or tell her everything will be okay, once upon I used to do this.

But it makes me so happy to see her reaching out and helping others explaining the pain the trauma she is dealing with, it makes me so proud I could burst I even smile and I may have no more right to be proud but I am so so proud like I have never been of anything or anyone before in my life.

This situation came at an awful time, I had planned in my head to marry this girl I had found a ring I liked, I had planned when I would do it and roughly how I would do it, I had thought about asking two people massive in her life’s permission, this was the first time in my life I was ready to step up to mark and grab what I wanted and make sure I never lost my one true love. It would have been an amazing fireworks 😉 
I’m never gonna change her mind

She has made her mind up though with help from others and she no longer wants anything to do with me in fact she hates me and blames me, part me wants to think that’s the illness and others talking but…not sure my confidence agrees.
But I’m ashamed to admit to this amazing gentle, beautiful girl that I adore her and can’t stop loving her.
I seen a picture of her today and Iv Mixed emotions, I miss seeing her face and perfect smile, her gentle voice when she picked on me and her soft skin my hands missing touching…she is the most beautifully stunning girl I have ever seen.
I dream that she will talk to me again, I dream she will be true to her self I know our love wasn’t a lie.
But regardless I did live my dream for a while just a shame anorexia ruined it.
Sorry for the long story lol happy blogging 🙂  

Time to go home

So it’s come to an end, I began this 12 days a complete and utter state and as it continued it got worse. I spent along time asleep 🙈 I don’t really cry anymore…not saying I didn’t on Monday lol or a little one today hahahaha 

I have began to eat again which I was warned against, but trust me I am more then aware. Iv made myself rather poorly though and a visit to the doctor is required lol 

But after starving myself, tears and tears, anger, isolation from the world and everyone, after cutting my arms, visit to the hospital oh an reading and reading an reading lol I didn’t even know I could read lol

It’s time to return home, I am seriously nervous I’m nervous to see my family I’m nervous to be back in my room I hate being in my own room with a passion, there’s many many feelings going through my mind.

Why though it’s my family home why am I nervous to be at my own home??? Then it’s back to work Sunday too…so much of back to reality I’m very nervous it sounds crazy I know.
I’m not really sure I guess just the memories and stuff. Iv avoided making contact with people and all sorts so interaction is scary too lol 

But all this aside, I am standing on my own two feet I’m a very focused again, I’m back in control am moving in the correct direction.

It’s been F***** mental to be honest, this has all come from no where at all, I should be at home now and was planning a future with my girlfriend, instead I don’t know how she’s getting on, she has blocked me on everything, her family hate me, I’m not sure if I’m gonna pass my probation at work due time off, I’m in serious pain a lot of the time due to destroying my body, Iv been reminded of my violent abusive childhood and I have to get my head around my dad having a baby with a girl younger then me, I have constant nightmares now and flash backs of stuff with him and my ex…but ya know what I am Jamie, bring it onn!!! 
I am in this alone now, Jamie against the world…tomorrow is the beginning of it all time to show all Iv been through this last couple weeks.
Thanks to everyone who has helped me supported me and helped me help myself.
I’m back!

I learnt a theory today about positive energy, have you ever wondered why if you think about someone they normally appear on your social media or they call you or when you buy a new car you start seeing that car everywhere. Well it’s due to it being a positive thought actually attracts us to that actual thought.

Changes 

It’s time this all finishes. I ended up in hospital last night, why am I putting myself through this. (I didn’t do anything stupid)
I’m not this person I’m behaving, I’m ready to move on from him now from this moment. My mind has escaped me, I don’t recognise anything a smell a colour anything my mind has gone it’s lost and it hurts.
I remember all those things I wanted all those dreams we had talked about but I have to find a new way away from my inner thoughts and feelings.

I never meant for any of this pain I cause to everyone myself included, if I could go back in time I would change everything, but I can’t.
I can’t explain what my thoughts have been because my brain and heart have got mixed up, but I’m hurting every single second and pain gets worse not better…but it’s pain I brought on myself. It’s time though I stood up and accepted I’m not perfection but I am me, I need to find me again. I once stood tall and proud but now I’m shattered I’m in peaces on the floor and I’m scarred the wind will blow me away.
I know your going to read this and I want you to know it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, you couldn’t have loved me any better and I can’t change a thing that’s happened, i wasnt ready to say goodbye I planned to begin not to end, but I want you to find better.
I will never stop loving and right now I also pray for your health and your strength. I’m never gone tho, maybe this bad passing storm but not who I really am, I’m always here. I want to make you aware I don’t have hate or have anger for anyone just admiration and a huge amount of proudness for the greatest character to have ever been written in my story.
I’m not a bad person, maybe unfortunate and rather silly but I’m just the little boy who’s scared, who has wounds from his childhood, his lost and lonely…but I mean no harm, I just seek love and safety. To all I cause pain…I can’t say sorry enough..

take it from me I am truly sorry and I miss my life I miss my story 

Why?

What the hell has happened…Iv just woken up, Iv read an email from my boss one of captains has sent an email inn to thank me for doing an incredible job while we were in Argentina…it’s made me cry. 

I’m not incredible at all, I write this while cuddling my pillow and crying my eyes out 😢

Life has got out of control, I hate it so much I hate me so much. Iv lost everything I lay here and realise I lost my girlfriend someone I adored, she’s so poorly as well 😢 it’s all my fault. She wants to hurt herself and it’s because of me it’s all because of me…but I just loved her 😢 her family now hate me too, I didn’t want this I just wanted my girlfriend who I thought I’d marry one day… but there right I’m killing her, why would I do that??
I can’t get these words out of my head, I can’t stop hating myself. 

Why? Why? Why? Why? 😢😢😢

I can’t eat anymore I just don’t want to I wanna make myself suffer, but it’s getting bad 😢 I haven’t eatten a meal since I was in Norwich 3 weeks ago, I started hiding my dinner in the bin in my room, I ordered a pizza with everyone at work last night as I didn’t wanna look stupid I only had one peace and brought rest home and now I need throw it in the bin before anyone sees….read that back…wtf am I doing???? 

I can’t sleep anymore, I don’t do anything but get upset. I went out a couple nights ago and I hated it, I couldn’t touch any alcohol.

But I can’t deal with reading someone tell me how amazing I am, maybe I’m okay at my job but I’m the least amazing person your ever meet, Iv destroyed someone’s life and I can’t stop this now…why can’t I stop hating myself 😢😢

Gone to far

This has gone to far….
So I have been told I shouldn’t blog, I will be sued for expressing my inner thoughts.blogging is to be able express what you think and how you feel your are encouraged to speak out loud but I’m told I can’t can’t say what I think.

My posts are about my life my situation nothing is aimed at anyone at all. It’s what helps me.

But I am to blame for all this, my words are killing people, my confusion my being lost is me causing trouble.

There a situation here that has got so far out of hand it untrue, it kinda turned my life upside down…but again it’s my fault. The situation is I mess up, I’m jamie I mess up I’m human I hold my hands up I’m far from perfect I mess up, I have spent my life the last four months helping a mentally ill person because I loved them, it affects you my whole life changed over night everything changed this was no ones fault it’s life I choose to be part of it. But it put me on edge I didn’t want this person to die, I wanted to do all in my power to help them and that I did. My friends told me last night I shouldn’t not be ashamed I should be proud of what I did not many would… an no one else was willing too. 

But I did everything I could, but I don’t feel proud, I’m sad I’m told I’m killing her now I’m stopping recovery…. because of hurt, confusion, sadness. I told my friends last night I no longer care about life Iv thought before some stupid stuff but I literally don’t care anymore, I haven’t eatten a meal in coming up for 3 weeks I got told I’m looking ill but ya not what I’m pleased I wanna punish myself, people txing me an having a go at me agree with it all, so I wanna punish more. 

My words aren’t angry at people, it’s confusion. Our brain consists of questions and when stuff isn’t answered you make the answers….but we shouldn’t be punished for this.

This whole situation has got out of hand and made so much more then needed to be.

I am blogging because i neee to!