Losing it

So Iv just got back from the doctors who is refusing to let me go back to work.
I have two weeks to gain weight or I have to see someone….wtf, this is me I stress I don’t eat but not that bad.
My family hate me, I won’t talk to anyone just because I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. They don’t get it, all they say is how can you get like that over a girl. Then I say you don’t no.
Yesterday I tried doing somthing in my room to which I got called an idiot for off my brother as I’m doing it all wrong, this time I didn’t take it, I snapped went mental infact. Then my mum joined in said I’m ridiculous she knew this would happen and that she wouldn’t stick around, she went to say skinny somthing and I went mental, I seen abso red my brother called her an idiot and me a c word and I launched out my room and punched him so hard. Told him never to talk about her like that and he just laughed in my face…I’m a joke.

Mum said why haven’t you runaway to Newcastle like usual, or has Lisa had enough of you like me and Aimee…this really hurt.

I had blood all over me id fallen over and cut my arm as I looked in the mirror Iv not shaved or showered in a week, I am a joke.

I went for a walk last night and sat on the bench in town for 4 hours frozen.

The only person I wanted to talk to was Aimee no one gets it, I’m not a stalker crazy loon just no one gets me like she does.

I am fine, tbh I’m very calm I think I vented what I needed too.

I regret all my choices and I can’t stop punishing myself I won’t eat or drink but why? And walks at 2200 at night is kinda stupid. This is a mess none of this should be happening.

I don’t have anybody, I wish I could just runaway from all these people. I miss my best friend so much, 3 days I thought I could do anything now I can’t be bothered to do anything. Someone help me.

She’s started cutting her self since last week, I don’t want her too please stop it. None of this is your fault and I don’t blame you one little bit, I just miss you like crazy.

Overdose

So it’s 0600am and I’m still here I failed.

i took 18 500g paracetamol and I didn’t die. But my paracetamol levels are so high I need treatment and have probably damaged my liver.

they keep asking me why Iv done this all I say is to punish myself for being a terrible person and awful boyfriend.

There concended that Iv not eatten since Tuesday or drunk a drink since Wednesday. Yet I’m fine, I currently have a lot of chest pains and feel light headed but still alive an I’m gutted.

Iv had traumas before and have never taken an overdose before this time is bad, after 2 days in bed not leaving my bed for anything accept the toilet I decided I could not take any more and I need to be punished for making Aimee cry.

i came here on my own as my best friend forced me and I don’t have anyone so I sit alone, blood test I passed out not been great. The “crisis” team have been to see me and want to come back as Iv not promised I won’t try again.

an to top it off my mum found my goodbye note.

i asked my family to not blame anyone especially Aimee but also respect I love her and mainly to tell my dad I hate him, she now posses this 😦

 

This have worked based on my weight and lack of food 😦 I need to be punished I’m sick of messing up.

 

Im sorry I failed

Mental health

So this blog has two purposes.
So the main being for me learning about people’s lack of understanding of mental health. It’s something that comes in all forms shapes and sizes and affects people in different ways.
Why do we understand a broken leg, loss of limb or other serious illness’s but we don’t respect mental health which is also deadly.
People act of character, thoughts and feelings take over people’s minds,brain and actions but it doesn’t mean it’s what they want or what they mean and this is without adding the challenges life brings ontop. Not everything is black and white it’s not simple.
Everything thinks they understand mental health but until you witness is and even experience it people are not open minded.

My second, is really kinda of…odd. I owe a hugh thank you to someone I don’t know lol Believe It or not someone has taken time out of there life to read all about me and has done somthing kinda out of this world. I have zero idea as to why but I can’t explain my gratitude. Thanks to them I kinda have a feeling within me…I’m not sure I’d ever experience!!!

So to this true ledgend…thank you so much!

My dad today…

I’m fu**ing fuming.

I am so angry, as per usual my phone has been cut off because my dad won’t pay the bill and won’t pass owenership of the account.

Iv driven to his, to ask him to please get my phone reconnected, I said I would sit in my car and await.
He flipped started shouting and screaming at me, but I ignored and went and sat in my car.
He came out his house banging on my car window trying to open the door calling me a peace of sh**, telling me I’m a useless son as he had a suspected stroke not long ago, calling me a joke then he used the c bomb, yeap that disgusting word is how my own father has described me as I asked him to pay my phone bill Iv already paied him for.
I saw red and jumped out my car I said you don’t not call me a c*** to which he raised his hand to want to hit me, his fist clenched to punch his son….wow luckily he changed his mind and slammed the door. I don’t we completely shocked……I sat purched on the end of my bonnet.
He then opened the door and called the police then hung up an Walker towards me and …..brace yourself, my dad spat in my face over my glasses and called me a waste of space!!!

I do not know how I kept my call.

I am literally raging. So my brother has spoken with him and my bro has paied the bill again, yet I’m sitting out side his house still and I can’t move I’m fuming.

I cried my self to sleep last night at missing my ex girlfriend my best friend, yet she hates me still so much then today my father the guy who made me his blood has spat in my face and called me a waste of space.

I have zero idea why I deserve any of this.

The one person I wanna talk to….won’t, it’s times like now I wish she could stop hating and punishing me.

Needed to blog to see if this calm me down

Keep on running 🏃‍♂️

Running, so this is helping me escape now it’s running out side in the fresh air listening to music and pushing my legs though pain, feeling the sweat on my body and fighting the urge to stop.

My heart sank last night Aimee on a date, smashed mine to peace’s again, but I sat tight and will weather this storm like all the others. My heart sank even more though that people won’t look past her illness even though I’m sad I’m not part her life I really want her to be happy. Why can’t someone love her as much as I do and it pains me to say.

Back to me…so I was up at 0800 picked friend up me and him went for breakfast then shopping at Freeport and then Colchester for running stuff, we had a good morning had a good laugh and most of all kept my mind busy.

Came home and just smashed another run this one was an amazing speed, focused not Aimee but me it hurt like hell but I pushed so hard. I’m not chilling before going out for coffee then visiting my mate on my way home then out tonight with the boys a very busy day.

Now I wish she was part of my time off, but I can’t make her.

But my life is turning into this run it’s bloody tough but I have to keep pushing and keep running and not stop!!

 

Storms

Big black clouds came over my world they took away everything I had, my dreams, my heart and my life.
There are moments that breaks in them clouds let the sunshine shine through, this makes everything seem better but it just hides the fact the clouds are there and there full of a massive variety of weather phenomenons.
No body seen the hurt I feel, no body sees the spinning of my brain or the screams for help in my head.
The loneliness is awful, at night the silence is so noisy I hear my ex girlfriends voice, I hear her laughter. Then the black in the room becomes bright as memories fly around the room and while this all happens your heart sinks and the tears become real.
As I’m not in hospital and not diagnosed with anything I’m not entitle to hurt, I’m not allowed to struggle and I’m not allowed to care.
I was blamed for the mood swings, I was blamed even for the illness and also blamed for slowing recovery, but this wasn’t meant it was pain it was hurt it was love, but this is totally acceptable by family and friends, but not by me.
The love you have and believe makes you fight not because your crazy, evil, toxic or any other words…it’s because like no one else has before your not giving up on someone because you love them, but the feeling you get when ya told it’s making them worse your making them cry.
You become a stranger, strangers become best friends and your still just a name a blame and someone that’s used to release inner thoughts.
You sit from a far and you worry, you sweat at suicide story’s you shake at reading sectioning threats, but as the lights go out and the tears become real your love means nothing your tears don’t care and your name is still in lights, but as an evil person.
Blood pours from your arm, tablets fizz in your drink, driving and crying suicide sets inn, why? Why be selfish? Why be selfless?
GUILT
No one knows what we fill inside, no one knows what words mean to you, all the blaming blogs how words and sentences here and there affect the most… yet for all this you continue to smile at progress you feel there smile and you hear their tears and feel them against your skin, then as you prey for someone to help them you wake up to your name in lights again.
You want to scream you want to cry but you just continue because you can’t stop loving and it would be so much easier if the feelings wasn’t so special.
You continue under the clouds, while hers show sunshine you have to sit back and be no part of the world you once lived inn.
Your show your proudness and try to be nice but again you names in lights your the problem.
While you sit at home in the dark in a room where ya have put the birthday card with the Christmas card, the pain is no better then tears won’t stop but I don’t matter because I’m not in hospital.
Gratitude is not required, you know you did a great job, you know you played as massive part in helping someone, but someone to you is your soulmate someone to them is someone they hate…an your name is evil.

I don’t blame, her I don’t blame the family, I don’t blame the hospitals or workers….I blame anorexia and I blame myself.

I sit here and feel the power of thunderstorms atm as my world is struggling to cope with sheer strength of this storm.

But I don’t matter…so it’s fine!

 

Just got tough again

I’m failing again, my moods dropped I thought I had fixed everything then this week everything has gone wrong.
It’s my ex’s blog at the weekend she described us as “that couple” and that we should be planning our wedding in 2018.
Yet I’m in Newcastle having my belated Christmas as I was working, yet I don’t want to be here… not that I know where I’d like to be.
I spend way to much time online dating, talking to a complete mix of people or trying the art of conversation these days is incredibly difficult.
Iv been on dates with different people, the most recent was stunning like people didn’t believe she had been out with me a few times, she lived in a mansion had a awesome job, was fun, witty…. everything you could want. But I stopped it because it wasn’t Aimee nothing can come even close to what that girl made me feel no one I talk to makes me smile like she used to. I meet her the same way, yet the connection we had was just geeky odd instant it was just crazy.
Sunday we were at my friends for new year everyone was in couples accept me, yet for every single couple in the room none of them looked like they had the connection me and my ex had, one couple were screaming and shouting as per they are the worst couple ever yet…there still together 😦
This make me sad, I had everything I ever wanted and I believe If it wasn’t for anorexia this would be a different blog, life is so cruel.
Yet as I try to find someone worthy to talk to it just doesn’t work and I’m just attracted every time to my ex’s profile.
She has zero idea how and incredible woman she is, an as the week goes on she is nearer to coming home it’s affecting me big time, I don’t know why I can’t quite explain but before she went to hospital no1 this was a completely different story, while her treatment is amazing…what I have had to lose as the boyfriend and as a couple is heartbreaking.
This week has been emotionally very difficult to deal with, I wasn’t expecting it to be.