What I miss 

So love…
To love someone is not to have a Facebook status or a trophy on your arm. The love I know is smiles, smiles so big your cheeks hurt, the excitement for the next min, hour, day to be able to spend more time with your loved one, the endless amount of plans you make for the remainder of life, the tears of laughter the comfort of there body… so much I can’t even begin to describe it all. 

My partner got ill very ill and she couldn’t deal with anyone or a relationship and Iv struggled so bad, I lay at home I miss her laugh I miss her cuddles I miss her smell, I miss her strange noises in her sleep the waking up next to her an just smiling because your loved one is in your arms or next to you. I miss her stuff all over the place her clothes everywhere, her bugging me coz she never sleeps I miss every single thing about her but I miss her being my best friend laughing at each other picking on one an other, singing to each other in the car me telling her she sounds like a football fan, I miss singing kids program theme tunes, us baking cakes me pretending I’m good but being awful, is exploring sea sides country walks, us talking about life the world, us crashing the trolley in the supermarket, or spending loss of money on coffee… but most off all I miss her love I miss my girlfriend my soulmate my partner in crime and my best friend….I miss you batman 😦 

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.

The illness called Anorexia

Anorexia.
It’s not a choice not to always eat, imagine the thought of being hungry and being in a supermarket but your unable to select anything from the shelf, calories are going through your mind, then your body what will that cake do to my body I can’t but I want to, this is Anorexia.

My best friend is living this nightmare at the moment and I’m by her side though it as much as she will let me, recently Iv held her hand through 1 A&E visit, 1 GP visit, 2 support worker meetings, 1 blood test, 1 blood pressure check and finally 1 food clinic visit this was all in 7 days…this girl had been out through torture.

I sit with this girl I look at her face I see the discolour in her cheeks I see the lack of meat on her like a normal human being I witness the tears she bleeds I witness the tiredness from walking. She no longer can decide anything as her brain is just food it thinks nothing else, I witness her snappy I witness every that this illness is doing to my soulmate.

She wakes up everyday and thinks food how to avoid how to not get told to eat how to not get fat, yet she looks in the mirror and is disgusted she looks like an old lady she looks like she’s knocking on deaths door. She has to wear cloths to layer up to keep warm and look better, we went to a supermarket last week and 2 people were clearly staring at her looking her up and down as she is so skinny her legs are tiny her arms are tiny she looks awful, she is still the most beautiful girl though. 

She has a bed ready 400miles away if she doesn’t eat, they will stop her being a human she will be told what to do what to eat and when, she won’t be able to do as she pleases and will be alone…this breaks my heart in two.

She doesn’t want to get to this stage but the illness is stopping her from seeing how close she is, if I tell her then I’m upsetting the illness and she doesn’t see it.

It’s not about putting food in her mouth this illness is taking over her brain, her choices, her body basically her whole life and she can’t beat it.

I am petrified, I get upset on my own about it I talk to my mum about it to try and comfort me, but this poor beautiful little girl is wondering around this big planet battling this every second of every single day.

I love her she’s my best friend so I can’t lose her but every day this illness is getting her a step closer to death and she wants it now too as she’s sick of the battle.
But she is a very very brave girl and she keeps finding that tiny peace of energy to try, I can’t explain in words because there isn’t a word or isn’t a sentence that can describe how proud of her I am for trying she’s my inspiration she is incredible. I want her to know I adore her and please keep fighting you will break down this illness and you will you again you have a long life left to live, I won’t let it take you away from me so early.
Please realise the damage anorexia has on a life it’s not a choice to be stick thin it’s not easy coping with it, its not nice to stare at someone because they look fragile…this is a human being who is slowly killing her self because there is not tablet to make it stop, there is no quick fix and as me I have to try and help but mainly sit here and watch someone I love, fall apart lose her identity and slowly die in front of my eyes.

I just want it to go away now, leave her alone she’s suffered enough. I want my beautiful girl back!
Life can be cruel.

She does read my bloggs so this is kinda for her to realise I get her pain and share mine too on the subject. But please comment anything if you think it will help as she will read.

Thanks all, happy Wednesday