Getting older

Woke up to a massive smile today, read a really interesting and positive blog.

Crazy the amount of influence someone can have on your mood, guess its why people say you shouldn’t throw the word love around with out meaning it.

Got me thinking I remember freaking my ex out when it just came out the first time I tried to cover it up…but it so didn’t work lol

I am 32 this year, 32 am starting out a new career which is great and hard work, but other then that I have not a lot to be honest. In 32 more years I will be 64….nearly at the end of my life, yet if I think about how fast these 32 have gone, I don’t actually have all that long left and this has scared the living day lights out of me.

My friend is getting married and secretly I am aware they may be having a family too, I am so pleased for them both as they are great, but for all people say they are a good a couple.. I actually had that same if not better relationship, this year should have been massive for me and her 2018 should have been a first home and wedding planning.

Instead my weekend will be me trying to find stuff to do to keep busy for the next 4 days and constant running.

I feel like life is slowly coming to a close, I really want to settle down and begin a family have a life that I never experienced as a child and I really cant see it with anyone else, this girl was perfection, she was meant to be my future.

But what do I do now? This is my problem, what’s next?

I cant  talk with her so I cant fix anything with her, yet I cant find anyone who is remotely close to how incredible she was, but at the same time…life’s catching me up, what happens if I never get to get married or ever experience being a Dad, Yet this experience is scary for everyone so I wanted to be with someone special…yet its not going to anymore.

My age and life is starting to worry me, this is what I had imagined and defiantly not the situation I should be in now.

Proud of my past

This is a kinda reply to someone’s blog…no prizes for guessing who lol

I wanted to blog about a feeling I go last night, again. It’s the feeling of regret, disappointment…the feeling of loss. My friend told me big secret about him starting a family, so pleased for him but quicker then gratitude my heart sank.
His getting married which that feeling makes my heart sink too…why you ask?
That’s because I thought I would have been engaged right now, I should be moving out this year and I want to be a Dad but their is literally only one person I want to and have her thought about experiencing it with that’s my beautiful ex, but because of an illness I don’t think il ever see her again 😦

Today she blogged her regret, this is my response… you don’t need to have regret, life throws challenges at us, as a couple we were jinxed as we received more challenges early on then people experience in a life time. This challenge though it got to you, it changed you with out you realising, mental health is serious and Uncontrollable. Through out all of this situation I remained hopeful to Aimee in the sense that anorexia had made this girl I didn’t recognise but remained strong at Aimee, people hated me, my family didn’t understand me but they didn’t know Aimee like I did, in the time we were together we instantly clicked and got each other and understood so much about the other. So I knew that this wasn’t my Aimee this was her illness I maybe would have appreciated other people’s understanding but no one gets it accept Jamie and Aimee. To see your steps forward still make me the proudest man on this planet I smile when you smile and cry when you cry. It pains me that your in pain and joys me with your success.
I don’t expect you will ever let me back into your life, but it will never stop me being proud of you and happy to have meet my soulmate and been in love with you.

I am 31 and want to settle down, I wanna get married and start a family, it’s a shame I don’t think anymore it’s gonna be with my best friend and soulmate.

But I want her and the whole wide world to know, I am so proud of her and she owes me zero apologies.

I have learnt so much and changed so much it’s just a shame we can’t share it together to be even better.

Life is a strange old thing!

Keep on running 🏃‍♂️

Running, so this is helping me escape now it’s running out side in the fresh air listening to music and pushing my legs though pain, feeling the sweat on my body and fighting the urge to stop.

My heart sank last night Aimee on a date, smashed mine to peace’s again, but I sat tight and will weather this storm like all the others. My heart sank even more though that people won’t look past her illness even though I’m sad I’m not part her life I really want her to be happy. Why can’t someone love her as much as I do and it pains me to say.

Back to me…so I was up at 0800 picked friend up me and him went for breakfast then shopping at Freeport and then Colchester for running stuff, we had a good morning had a good laugh and most of all kept my mind busy.

Came home and just smashed another run this one was an amazing speed, focused not Aimee but me it hurt like hell but I pushed so hard. I’m not chilling before going out for coffee then visiting my mate on my way home then out tonight with the boys a very busy day.

Now I wish she was part of my time off, but I can’t make her.

But my life is turning into this run it’s bloody tough but I have to keep pushing and keep running and not stop!!

 

Just got tough again

I’m failing again, my moods dropped I thought I had fixed everything then this week everything has gone wrong.
It’s my ex’s blog at the weekend she described us as “that couple” and that we should be planning our wedding in 2018.
Yet I’m in Newcastle having my belated Christmas as I was working, yet I don’t want to be here… not that I know where I’d like to be.
I spend way to much time online dating, talking to a complete mix of people or trying the art of conversation these days is incredibly difficult.
Iv been on dates with different people, the most recent was stunning like people didn’t believe she had been out with me a few times, she lived in a mansion had a awesome job, was fun, witty…. everything you could want. But I stopped it because it wasn’t Aimee nothing can come even close to what that girl made me feel no one I talk to makes me smile like she used to. I meet her the same way, yet the connection we had was just geeky odd instant it was just crazy.
Sunday we were at my friends for new year everyone was in couples accept me, yet for every single couple in the room none of them looked like they had the connection me and my ex had, one couple were screaming and shouting as per they are the worst couple ever yet…there still together 😦
This make me sad, I had everything I ever wanted and I believe If it wasn’t for anorexia this would be a different blog, life is so cruel.
Yet as I try to find someone worthy to talk to it just doesn’t work and I’m just attracted every time to my ex’s profile.
She has zero idea how and incredible woman she is, an as the week goes on she is nearer to coming home it’s affecting me big time, I don’t know why I can’t quite explain but before she went to hospital no1 this was a completely different story, while her treatment is amazing…what I have had to lose as the boyfriend and as a couple is heartbreaking.
This week has been emotionally very difficult to deal with, I wasn’t expecting it to be.

My Christmas

Christmas, is an amazing time of year for 70% of the population but not all.

Some people spend Christmas working or alone or in hospital or where it is they are, but as a society we seem to just assume everyone is a home with family around their tree and that everyone is smiling and being happy.

So i write this to describe the feeling i have this year, i was thinking earlier on today how i remember this time last year i spent the evening with Aimee..and remember having a great night as per usual. But at that current time we weren’t together and then thought i don’t remember actually spending Christmas around people feeling all that loved, which takes the spark away from the Christmas excitement.

Today i finished wrapping present and gave them to my Mum to take when she left, leaving one thing… A Card, yep i have a Christmas card i wrote to someone special to me that i cant send and don’t want too either to a degree.

It sits on my shelf and looks at me and is something i would like to share with her one day, as to the fact that i have respected her wish to show my feelings for her yet i didn’t stop thinking about her.

i Sent a text earlier on to say what i wanted to say and its not anything like what she would have expected i did not say how much i missed her or how much i loved her. But i know it would not send.

So my drive into work this evening was sad, i left an empty house to go to work for night shift having been sick today to spend the next 3 nights at work. I gave up my Christmas to someone who has a family and there is no one at home so i will spend Christmas asleep, working and alone at home and a Christmas dinner of a microwave meal…Which is kinda sad and wasn’t what i had expected.

But it is what it is, i have taken such a laid back approach to life ATM, i have learnt so much on this journey this year.

But i will continue to remain trying to be positive and smile.

I wish people would remember that Christmas is not as black and white for simple for everyone.

 

I wish everyone a happy Christmas.

Smile :)

So I just wanted blog a hugh change.

So I spent so long trying to communicate with my past, yet I was making my self unhappy, sad, depressed etc etc all the above I tried everything to talk to her as I was madly in love with her.
But a few weeks ago I stopped, I had had enough of trying and upsetting myself.
If the love was so strong…I wouldn’t have to fight for it.
This weekend has been incredible, I have a smile again. It’s been coming just needed to get moving.
Friday night was amazing, had a great night surprisingly but still, followed by Saturday night…which was amazing, but as was the works Christmas party in London, it was brilliant I haven’t smile and laughed so much In ages.
My colleges are incredible, they were telling me how concerned they had been about me, just felt again so appreciated 🙂

It’s been a weekend of realising, no matter how much you love someone you shouldn’t have to force yourself to have a space in anyone’s life because if they really know your worth, they will surely create one for you.

I need to appreciate what I do have, have time for people who want me to be apart of their life’s and embrace a smile not worry and self confidence!!

This is just the start of a journey, life’s always a journey but Iv stopped driving around the roundabout of life atm 🙂

 

Crazy 48hours

So the last 48 hours have been crazy to say the least, I sit at work right now having sneaked in some sleep a very proud young man.There are 2 reasons for this see if you can work them out.

2 days ago my ex who I wasn’t talking with properly after messing up with anxiety, well she asked me if I could pick her up from work….this is where it begun it turned out she had been trying to take her life she had tried to throw her self down the stairs the day before and had that morning taken an excessive amount of pills and wasn’t feeling well.

I collected her she was like a lost child, she was on edge, staring into space and looked like a ghost she was so ill, she is anorexic to so her life is spiralling out of control, she didn’t look like the girl I feel in love with she doesn’t have the energy to even talk anymore, once upon we would laugh, sing along and just be generally happy. 

This completely snapped my heart in to peaces, how ever I kept it together and made her go to A&E we spent 5 hours there but had a good chat while waiting she opened up about her feelings and explained how she feels she can turn to me about anything (that made me smile) but I held her hand and went and seen every doctor and nurse with her (I did hide from the needle bit tho).

There was a moment when she was told to take her jumper off…8 jumpers, tops later she got down to just 1 and they lifted her top up wire her shall I say and I couldn’t look because she is all skin an bone 😦 she looked ill it was like a Skelton laying in a bed look like she wasn’t meant to come out she looked on deaths door I had to dig deep not to show how deviated I am. I promised the doctor I would take her home and look after her at mine. I got her home and we talked loads about us and her and she said she was giving me a chance but my last ever chance which TBH didn’t bother me, what did bother me was her.

Then yesterday 🙂 she had zero sleep I didn’t get much but she started making a difference and she still can’t see it but we were up and at her doctors for opening we got an appointment and she went and finally decided to get some time off work to recharge..step one. 

She then asked me if I would do the hardest thing Iv ever done in my life, she asked me as she was scarred if I would sit her mum down on my own and tell her what’s been happen as her parents no nothing she hides from them….so again I had to find some words and hold my nerve and I sat her mum down who i don’t know amazingly and tell her that her daughter tried to kill her self and is eatting her way to death too, how I kept that one cool I will never ever ever know but I did it for the girl I adore. Then our journey continued to her next appointment I took her to see her food councillor, this wasn’t a success she has been told they are beginning to search a bed for her to omitted to hospital, she has to drink some stuff to give her energy so she can do stuff and she has a milkshake diet as she won’t eat but just about have a milkshake. This is again heart breaking I don’t want her taken away for a length of time 😦 il miss her too much.

She has agreed to spend my 4 days off with me so I can help her an look after her….an to thank me she has booked us a couple night in my home (fav place) the other end of the country she’s never been but it’s my safe place and just wow she really didn’t need to but she wanted to say thanks and knows how special that place is to me. 

I am going to make her have a fun weekend she will smile 🙂

I just want the little princess back I adore so much, I wouldn’t done any of this for anyone else.

She’s so special and she will read this at some point and when you do I want you to read me tell the whole wide world you are one special young lady, your strength is commendable and I am so proud of you for fighting this, life is cruel and tough no one chooses to suffer, but you choose to beat it and that you are 🙂 you should be proud.
…an the second person I’m proud of me, I’m sooo proud of myself I wrote some awful blogs over the months and didn’t know if I’d still be here today to write but now I don’t know how I did it but I made myself realise and I’m not the same person at all….I dropped her home yesterday and she called me so happy her mum knew and was supporting her, when she hung up I cried on the drive home lol sooo dammm proud.
Anyway I rambled but, never give up on life it will get better. 

Happy Wednesday people 🙂