Broken

I’m devastated right now

My life is crumbling apart, Iv lost my girlfriend my best friend.
Someone who made me smile, new my life, someone who got me and I got her.
We dreamed together and planned together.
We stuck by while she struggled with a very serious illness.
We drunk together we ate together we brought sweets and shopped together.
We played games and enjoyed the sea side together.
We planned our wedding and talked about our family.
She stole my heart and no one can ever take it back, she stole my mind and I love it. She stole the heart of family and my friends for perfection and attitude towards me.
She stole my life is the best way ever.

Know she’s in trouble, she’s sick in hospital and I can’t see her, I can’t hold her hand like I did everyday I can’t stroke her hair like I did at night I can’t dry her tears like we have before.
I now feel empty, lost and alone. I don’t want anything in life but to be by her side I don’t want any dreams except the ones I share with her.
I don’t want my health as much as I want hers.

I don’t want anything from life but to be able to spend it with my best friend.

I was her other half and she is mine, right now I’m missing half of me and I miss my other half.
My tears stream down my face as I look at a white wall and prey for her health and dream to be by her side.

Im broken

What am I doing lol

What am I doing.

So tonight as per every night I’m wide awake. My minds wandering, Iv Googled everything from new jobs, to a job for my ex girlfriend in Newcastle lol to houses, to me wanting by a new car to me booking a holiday for myself for tomorrow…I’m on the verge of doing somit kinda crazy, but I’m sure afterwards I would regret wasting my money Iv worked so hard to save.

I really really miss aimee, would actually offer my right leg to be able to be able to have her back in my world, but people’s advice is driving me nuts, Iv been told everything…people think it’s a fairytale I’m sure it’s not it’s just the Jamie adventures there bloody mental.

So last night, I took my top off walked past the mirror and had to double back…I looked ill I’m so skinny, I hate being slim but I looked awful I can’t share anymore information then that but unlike aimee it makes me sick to look this way, it’s only been a week with no food. But my god I can feel the affects I’m beginning to live something that I can’t believe so today Iv ate everything in sight drunk everything been to the shops to buy more too I can not let myself get into this state.

So I took a picture before I shaved off the mess on my face (trimmed) as it was so long and I thought I would look better…how ever the picture has made me realise the mess I look. A weeks worth of neglect and I look the worst Iv ever looked I was abso shocked it was not what I expected to see, the beard hid the state of me.

 

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Even looking now I’m a total mess. It’s crazy how easily you can destroy yourself, I’m trying to sort everything out now. I’m not talking to my family, I’m feeling so lonely and I feel physically ill all the time but I will eat my way back to health.

But people thanks for the advice but I love her so much I don’t wanna push her even further away. I just have to dream and prey she will one day say hello again. To everyone I will try fix this and to my brain stop thinking crazy thoughts.

Losing it

So Iv just got back from the doctors who is refusing to let me go back to work.
I have two weeks to gain weight or I have to see someone….wtf, this is me I stress I don’t eat but not that bad.
My family hate me, I won’t talk to anyone just because I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. They don’t get it, all they say is how can you get like that over a girl. Then I say you don’t no.
Yesterday I tried doing somthing in my room to which I got called an idiot for off my brother as I’m doing it all wrong, this time I didn’t take it, I snapped went mental infact. Then my mum joined in said I’m ridiculous she knew this would happen and that she wouldn’t stick around, she went to say skinny somthing and I went mental, I seen abso red my brother called her an idiot and me a c word and I launched out my room and punched him so hard. Told him never to talk about her like that and he just laughed in my face…I’m a joke.

Mum said why haven’t you runaway to Newcastle like usual, or has Lisa had enough of you like me and Aimee…this really hurt.

I had blood all over me id fallen over and cut my arm as I looked in the mirror Iv not shaved or showered in a week, I am a joke.

I went for a walk last night and sat on the bench in town for 4 hours frozen.

The only person I wanted to talk to was Aimee no one gets it, I’m not a stalker crazy loon just no one gets me like she does.

I am fine, tbh I’m very calm I think I vented what I needed too.

I regret all my choices and I can’t stop punishing myself I won’t eat or drink but why? And walks at 2200 at night is kinda stupid. This is a mess none of this should be happening.

I don’t have anybody, I wish I could just runaway from all these people. I miss my best friend so much, 3 days I thought I could do anything now I can’t be bothered to do anything. Someone help me.

She’s started cutting her self since last week, I don’t want her too please stop it. None of this is your fault and I don’t blame you one little bit, I just miss you like crazy.

Blog

I don’t no what to Blog.

Earlier today I sat and thought 15:00 Sunday, this time last week I nervous, shaking to see her. I had the quickest yet best 2 an half hours. We rekindled our love in a second.

This week, I remain in bed still paying for my mistake Friday my body is very delicate. An I just can’t talk to anyone my mum is getting angry but I don’t wanna talk.

I will go and see my doctor tomorrow and get some help to stop me wanting to punish myself, I feel fine just feel I could do with some help.

I received a call today from someone who I thank so much for helping me see her again, but I can’t let him say anything bad about her. It doesn’t matter what she did, it’s ok. It’s me that should be sorry.

 

Don’t paint me again

I’m feeling really ill and it’s self inflicted. My body really hurts. I’m so lonely too.

I need to say my blogs aren’t to make any feel guilty at all, I’m the guilty one not anyone else.

I’m not controlling or manipulative though at all, I accepted something that should never have been the outcome anyway. But I’m a human being I wanted to try anything to not lose my soulmate I was gonna marry her 12 hours before….again. Surely that’s understandable I waited 8months to tell her I love her.
Now I know everyone is saying I’m x y and z but I’m really not I’m just a guy who’s totally in love with this lass.

We can’t be together but we could been mates, I could have helped her smile and left her spare time busy.

But all a sudden she hates me again, this is her BPD and others telling her how awful I am isn’t fair, no one seen aimee happy like I did Sunday Monday and Tuesday! I just want forgiveness we shouldn’t be like this at all.

I love her that’s my only crime I love her to peace’s

Overdose

So it’s 0600am and I’m still here I failed.

i took 18 500g paracetamol and I didn’t die. But my paracetamol levels are so high I need treatment and have probably damaged my liver.

they keep asking me why Iv done this all I say is to punish myself for being a terrible person and awful boyfriend.

There concended that Iv not eatten since Tuesday or drunk a drink since Wednesday. Yet I’m fine, I currently have a lot of chest pains and feel light headed but still alive an I’m gutted.

Iv had traumas before and have never taken an overdose before this time is bad, after 2 days in bed not leaving my bed for anything accept the toilet I decided I could not take any more and I need to be punished for making Aimee cry.

i came here on my own as my best friend forced me and I don’t have anyone so I sit alone, blood test I passed out not been great. The “crisis” team have been to see me and want to come back as Iv not promised I won’t try again.

an to top it off my mum found my goodbye note.

i asked my family to not blame anyone especially Aimee but also respect I love her and mainly to tell my dad I hate him, she now posses this 😦

 

This have worked based on my weight and lack of food 😦 I need to be punished I’m sick of messing up.

 

Im sorry I failed

Getting older

Woke up to a massive smile today, read a really interesting and positive blog.

Crazy the amount of influence someone can have on your mood, guess its why people say you shouldn’t throw the word love around with out meaning it.

Got me thinking I remember freaking my ex out when it just came out the first time I tried to cover it up…but it so didn’t work lol

I am 32 this year, 32 am starting out a new career which is great and hard work, but other then that I have not a lot to be honest. In 32 more years I will be 64….nearly at the end of my life, yet if I think about how fast these 32 have gone, I don’t actually have all that long left and this has scared the living day lights out of me.

My friend is getting married and secretly I am aware they may be having a family too, I am so pleased for them both as they are great, but for all people say they are a good a couple.. I actually had that same if not better relationship, this year should have been massive for me and her 2018 should have been a first home and wedding planning.

Instead my weekend will be me trying to find stuff to do to keep busy for the next 4 days and constant running.

I feel like life is slowly coming to a close, I really want to settle down and begin a family have a life that I never experienced as a child and I really cant see it with anyone else, this girl was perfection, she was meant to be my future.

But what do I do now? This is my problem, what’s next?

I cant  talk with her so I cant fix anything with her, yet I cant find anyone who is remotely close to how incredible she was, but at the same time…life’s catching me up, what happens if I never get to get married or ever experience being a Dad, Yet this experience is scary for everyone so I wanted to be with someone special…yet its not going to anymore.

My age and life is starting to worry me, this is what I had imagined and defiantly not the situation I should be in now.