I can’t take much more guilt, I hate me.

Oh my actual god.
I have just spoken to my friend and cried and cried and cried I screamed I can’t take any more of this, my life is being destroyed. I hate life more then I ever have and the guilt I hold is weighing me down, I won’t do anything now that makes me happy or smile or anything because I’m not allowed she is suffering so I need to suffer. I do nothing but work sleep.

My friend told me that she was always proud of me for what I did not sleeping to take her to appoiment, asking my family to help out, telling her mum about her illness because she couldn’t, I seeked help when I couldn’t tell anyone she told me if i did she would never talk to me or even kill herself, I couldn’t take that chance. I helped convince doctors I’d look after her so they wouldn’t section her more then once I agreed to look after her. I took days off work called in sick changed my days off stopped working my second job stopped seeing my friends I did everything humanly possible to help her make her bothers wedding more then anything. I would do shopping with her I’d remove labels from food, I’d try make her stick to her meal plan i annoyed her but I wanted her to make this massive occasion. 

I used to go to work shattered as she never slept, I’d call her when I could to make sure she was okay, I communicated with staff at her first hospital to make sure she was okay, I left work in the middle of a night shift done a 4 hour round trip to see her at hospital so she wasn’t alone and she wouldn’t even talk or look at me, but I did it because if it was me I’d appreciate it.

I helped her make this wedding and what a magical weekend it was…I will honestly never ever forget it.

Then my worry and concern was turned into me controlling, this was not the case at all I worried its natural she tx me everyday to say she wanted to die.

She went to her next hospital and said goodbye to me in the morning after my mum an family looked after her for a week so they didn’t section her and I never heard from her again, just to say she couldn’t give me what I needed and that she didn’t feel anything.

This broke my heart I love her of cause it’s going to. I massively fucked up, I tx loads to get answers and frustration hit in it made no sense I’d done all that then all sudden I’m a stranger…in fact strangers were more important. Eventually I was blocked but before I was, I was told I’m killing her by msging her I’m ruining her recovery, police would be involved the hospital say I’m slowing her recovery….I literally couldn’t believe it, I was bereaving the loss of what I thought was my future wife. For the next 5 weeks I blamed myself I stopped eatting I hide food in my car the bin I don’t eat just because I can’t be bothered it punishes me and I deserve it as I’m killing her, I don’t talk to anyone really I have no friends I cut myself off from the world I work every hour work want me too stop me spending a day hating myself, Iv taken up cutting myself do on my leg so no will see but I deserve to be in pain, I sleep 4 hours tops every night I close my eyes and dream of her I have nightmares about how much I let her down. I can’t talk to people on the phone because I just hate people hearing my mood I haven’t smiled or even done anything in months, I just want to punish myself.

Then tonight I msg her again I’m missing her yeah I’m stupid but I miss her, an I get told I’m giving her family her stuff tonight, tomorrow night, the weekend, via post or taxi all this while I’m trying drive in middle no where in the pouring rain. So I call them and I get told that it’s my fault again if I had told them earlier none of this would have happened now I nearly crashed the car….what? Are they serious? What should I have done? I can feel my self getting upset at this point, I can’t take anymore blame what’s the next step how can I punish myself even more?? These people don’t see the affect a statement has on someone they don’t need hate me I hate myself enough, I blame myself for all this it’s all my fault she’s done well to get rid of me. But I don’t I have to live every single day in shame in guilt, starving myself, ruining my own life as it’s what I deserve. I can’t take much more of me I hate me so much I’d love to have the guts to end it all I don’t know what’s next to punish myself but il find it and I won’t stop either I’m obsessed with punishing myself.

I tried to talk to her as I think a normal convo with her would have easied some my guilt but it’s not what they want they want me to pay the price for her ilness.

Il happily do it for them.

I am away work related and I told them this but they are shouting at me tell me a date time place for her stuff, I can’t I don’t even no my name let alone dates times places with work I don’t no how comfortable I feel about going certain places etc but they don’t stop I get in after nearly 10 hour traveling on 3 hours sleep and it continues pictures of laws and telling me hospital say they have a case and that they have seeked advice and have copy’s of msgs and recordings of calls they then call me an record again….I breakdown at this point I can’t cope with people reminding me over an over it’s my fault they all blame me…I’d kill me if I had the balls.
Then they call the police my family are woken up by the police as they fear for my life, I’m not home I told them this I refuse to cooperate with the police as this is a fucking joke now. So now I have to drive to a police station or I’m gonna be on a wanted missing list wtf Iv been up for hours an hours I had my day ruined by these people and now it continues, this is incredible.
Now all I ever did was help there sister and I’m repayed by now hating my own life, I never felt so guilty Iv not got see the police I’m basically being bullied and I helped her when no one else would and because I loved her an msged loads they want me to pay for it….an I am! 
This is the worst Iv ever felt in my life, this is worse then being abused. The one person Iv loved more then anything and this is the memory and thanks I get 😦
I don’t want my friend to be proud of me no one should be proud of me this is all my fault and I can’t live with this guilt much longer.
I’m just sorry I didn’t do more and I hate life but most of al I hate jamie I fucking hate you so much!!! 

The story 

So I have blogged quite a bit in the last month I have tried and tried to explain everything and to be honest I still don’t feel like Iv got out what I wanna say, this could be because I don’t know what I want to say.
(Quick brief my girlfriend was diagnosed as anorexic and was dying she wanted to die and was moved to now two hospitals and has been in care for nearly 3 months)
I began by being confused why my beautiful princess had got this illness, how she was knocking on deaths door and why I couldn’t help her.

Then she finished with me and I didn’t understand why I thought she loved me and at the same time she was dying…my mind was all over the place.

I became angry and believed that someone had used me and my family I was really annoyed I felt I’d been walked over.

Then I got blamed for killing her, I turned suicidal I tried to finish my life in guilt, I stopped eating to punish myself, it got out of hand.

I messaged her all the time with utter confusion, heart break and anger some messages weren’t great and I began to hate myself so much, life was dark things were tough I set out to destroy my life as I felt guilty. 

We did have a few arguments which began when she went into hospital, every single one was revolved around food or hospital or food or food, I would take a lot of her moods but I did it because I loved her and believed the real her didn’t mean any of this towards me.

My efforts were seen as controlling but couldn’t be further from the truth I worried naturally I worried my beautiful girl was trying to die every single day surely that’s enough to be on edge and constantly worry. 

I did get jealous of her family who finally helped but began pushing me out I know longer mattered my views didn’t matter and I was no longer needed to which now they got that…I don’t blame them it’s a blood relative I was just the boyfriend but all a sudden I didn’t matter to anyone
I’m gutted with my reaction the confusion, heart break and so much more.

I didn’t know what to say to her I didn’t want to believe it, I never thought this girl would lie when she told me she loved me, it had to be the illness.

I shouldn’t have said I felt used but…it wasn’t a lie even now even today I feel used but I’m accepting of it and also accept it doesn’t actually mean that’s correct.  
But turns out there’s wasn’t any need for me to be so dam hard on myself I had a right to be upset I did deserve to be annoyed and maybe I didn’t deserve to be treat that way…my reaction still wasn’t great though.
I am though Proud that I actually meant I loved her, I’m proud that regardless of what reaction I stayed true to the words I told her. People throw love around like it’s a everyday word but to say it and mean every single letter from the bottom of your heart means Iv been true to myself and true to her.

I was blamed for slowing her recovery, by her, her family and apparently staff…how ever instead of beating myself up about it I know now that I was used as an easy excuse and she believed them not me unfortunately.

We have so many memories her brothers wedding being one the best memories of my life I couldn’t have experienced anything more amazing with anyone else and her family included it was incredible but the biggest memory for me was the night she spent in hospital she was so ill I couldn’t even look her body how skinny she was, I went to the car to top up the car park and remember crying I called my friend and said she’s dying she’s going to die if she doesn’t stop this. She held my hand for hours she cried her self to sleep I remember she didn’t think anyone cared she was so scared and watching someone you love so much in that state was beyond awful.

What really hit me was the support for me, no body appreciated what I had done previous it was all about now all a sudden they just hated me it was all my fault and that she needed rid of me, not the fact that she had fallen in love with this guy he made her smile and happy and even helped save her life, washed away her tears. She has a mental illness clothes selecting was impossible let alone this kinda stuff.

I do think about her every single day. She is my first and last thought of every single day. I feel like I sing to her to and from work I know the healthy girl in her misses “us”

I sometimes get seriously hard days where it’s a struggle all I want is someone who cares and mainly just her I want her to just make me smile, give me a cuddle and just squeeze my hand as she tells me she loves me. I have text her phone knowing she won’t read it just to say I love you, is that weird or sad lol

I read her blogs about her life and struggle and it makes me sad and happy. I’m sad this beautiful girl has such a struggle it’s sad I can’t just cuddle her or tell her everything will be okay, once upon I used to do this.

But it makes me so happy to see her reaching out and helping others explaining the pain the trauma she is dealing with, it makes me so proud I could burst I even smile and I may have no more right to be proud but I am so so proud like I have never been of anything or anyone before in my life.

This situation came at an awful time, I had planned in my head to marry this girl I had found a ring I liked, I had planned when I would do it and roughly how I would do it, I had thought about asking two people massive in her life’s permission, this was the first time in my life I was ready to step up to mark and grab what I wanted and make sure I never lost my one true love. It would have been an amazing fireworks 😉 
I’m never gonna change her mind

She has made her mind up though with help from others and she no longer wants anything to do with me in fact she hates me and blames me, part me wants to think that’s the illness and others talking but…not sure my confidence agrees.
But I’m ashamed to admit to this amazing gentle, beautiful girl that I adore her and can’t stop loving her.
I seen a picture of her today and Iv Mixed emotions, I miss seeing her face and perfect smile, her gentle voice when she picked on me and her soft skin my hands missing touching…she is the most beautifully stunning girl I have ever seen.
I dream that she will talk to me again, I dream she will be true to her self I know our love wasn’t a lie.
But regardless I did live my dream for a while just a shame anorexia ruined it.
Sorry for the long story lol happy blogging 🙂  

Anorexia from a partner 

So we are still going, the illness the torture that is anorexia is still very much alive. My partner is going through hell on earth, she’s suffering worse then a broken leg worse then any illness I know.
Anorexia is complex, confusing, contrasting, draining, stressful and among all else dangerous.
So this ilness has now firmly gripped my partner it’s got a hold of her, it has stolen her identity both visually and mentally…she is no longer the same girl.
But this is the biggest step in my eyes..this is pain this is the destruction.
Her mind has now gone, she is controlled by as she says “Annie” Annie wants to destroy her body, Annie wants to control her mind her thoughts and most off all it wants to control her life take over change her from Aimee to Annie…this week….it’s done it my girlfriend has gone.
But what we all have to remember is inner strength this stunning beautiful girl, is still going every single second of every single day this girl has thoughts of food, weight, death. She doesn’t think of life her life she can’t anymore she has no control.
She wakes up everyday in a prison a room she doesn’t know a room that’s not home a bed with out me with out a cat it’s not normal it’s Annie’s life. Yet Aimee is still in there watching what Annie is doing is unable to reach out, shout at her stop her she is powerless to a illness she’s kidnapped from her self.
As her boyfriend I’m Witnessing it all my future bride I believe is gone she’s not on this earth anymore, she’s in a coma asleep while Annie takes over, I struggle I want my girl I wanna reach out hold her hand I wanna wake up next to her tell her I adore her, I wanna wind her up see her beaming smile her cute face, I wanna feel her body close to me and feel that glow I get inside every time I see her…but right now, Annie won’t let me be apart of any of this she needs to continue to destroy Aimee, this is far more then just food now.
But aimee is fighting everyday she still gets up everyday she puts food in her mouth the pain she must get from every mouth fall the pain from all the thoughts running through her mind and mainly the pain of carrying on living everyday, no human should have to experience so much pain alone. She maybe doesn’t smile, she maybe can’t deal with loved ones she maybe confused about simple everyday stuff but she is my hero, my inspiration every single day every single struggle just proves to me what an incredible young lady Iv found, she’s no longer just that beautiful girl or that incredible personality she’s now 1 in a billion the very rare brave strong people this earth produces she may not realise it, right now I love her for it more then yesterday and tomorrow il love her more again.

She’s standing up to Annie and taking every single punch, but she’s up again and taking more. I write this a partner who didn’t sit back and watch, a partner who seen the obvious the not talking the missing of my partner the jealousnees of her not needing me the weakness of just missing her, I didn’t think of the way this cancerous ilness had grabbed hold of her I became selfish and for this I’m ashamed. I’m fully aware of my mistakes and I can’t change them but I can change my beliefs my thinking and my attitude towards Aimee and Annie, my beautiful girl will come out of this illness one day and the person she becomes will be the girl beyond my dreams, I realise I as a partner I owe her to be more educated more powerful be more like her.

Annie has gained my girl right now, but watch out because my girl is Aimee and when she gets you she will destroy you. 

If anybody is going through this illness be yourself or a partner don’t see black and white look deeper, educate yourself do it fast be the solid tower of strength your partner deserves don’t make my mistakes.

The illness called Anorexia

Anorexia.
It’s not a choice not to always eat, imagine the thought of being hungry and being in a supermarket but your unable to select anything from the shelf, calories are going through your mind, then your body what will that cake do to my body I can’t but I want to, this is Anorexia.

My best friend is living this nightmare at the moment and I’m by her side though it as much as she will let me, recently Iv held her hand through 1 A&E visit, 1 GP visit, 2 support worker meetings, 1 blood test, 1 blood pressure check and finally 1 food clinic visit this was all in 7 days…this girl had been out through torture.

I sit with this girl I look at her face I see the discolour in her cheeks I see the lack of meat on her like a normal human being I witness the tears she bleeds I witness the tiredness from walking. She no longer can decide anything as her brain is just food it thinks nothing else, I witness her snappy I witness every that this illness is doing to my soulmate.

She wakes up everyday and thinks food how to avoid how to not get told to eat how to not get fat, yet she looks in the mirror and is disgusted she looks like an old lady she looks like she’s knocking on deaths door. She has to wear cloths to layer up to keep warm and look better, we went to a supermarket last week and 2 people were clearly staring at her looking her up and down as she is so skinny her legs are tiny her arms are tiny she looks awful, she is still the most beautiful girl though. 

She has a bed ready 400miles away if she doesn’t eat, they will stop her being a human she will be told what to do what to eat and when, she won’t be able to do as she pleases and will be alone…this breaks my heart in two.

She doesn’t want to get to this stage but the illness is stopping her from seeing how close she is, if I tell her then I’m upsetting the illness and she doesn’t see it.

It’s not about putting food in her mouth this illness is taking over her brain, her choices, her body basically her whole life and she can’t beat it.

I am petrified, I get upset on my own about it I talk to my mum about it to try and comfort me, but this poor beautiful little girl is wondering around this big planet battling this every second of every single day.

I love her she’s my best friend so I can’t lose her but every day this illness is getting her a step closer to death and she wants it now too as she’s sick of the battle.
But she is a very very brave girl and she keeps finding that tiny peace of energy to try, I can’t explain in words because there isn’t a word or isn’t a sentence that can describe how proud of her I am for trying she’s my inspiration she is incredible. I want her to know I adore her and please keep fighting you will break down this illness and you will you again you have a long life left to live, I won’t let it take you away from me so early.
Please realise the damage anorexia has on a life it’s not a choice to be stick thin it’s not easy coping with it, its not nice to stare at someone because they look fragile…this is a human being who is slowly killing her self because there is not tablet to make it stop, there is no quick fix and as me I have to try and help but mainly sit here and watch someone I love, fall apart lose her identity and slowly die in front of my eyes.

I just want it to go away now, leave her alone she’s suffered enough. I want my beautiful girl back!
Life can be cruel.

She does read my bloggs so this is kinda for her to realise I get her pain and share mine too on the subject. But please comment anything if you think it will help as she will read.

Thanks all, happy Wednesday