My headache

When two people are so a like, issues don’t always get fixed.
Right now two people who once Upon a time are making each other sad. It seems so simple to just say it’s easy wave goodbye and walk away.

This isn’t easy, maybe it’s more me that making this pro long or even more difficult. But it’s not through choice I can’t help the fact I loved her or that I still care every single second of every single day.

Now I understand I was wrong to say me and my family were used, but we feel that way everyone is entitle to change there feelings or want a new start or what ever it might be. But when you have been through such a traumatic experience together not just as a couple but also a part of each other’s family’s, it would have been better to talk about it. But unfortunately at the time talking should have been done her illness was at it’s worse.

The more it continues the more I didn’t understand I still don’t, to go from loving me one day talking about marriage to never talking to me again…it’s just so extreme and doesn’t make sense.

But now my confusion causes her pain this pain causes more hate and this hate well it hurts me.

But like wise she is aware that her dating hurts me, her telling the world she was never loved before hurts me, saying she msgs people from the past just not me that hurts me.

This is all because I was heart broken confused and upset.

I never imagined she would hold this kinda grudge over me, I imagined what we had been through was more important then my mistake of being upset. 
I know longer live a normal life, this girl affects me everyday in every blog and she knows she’s destroying me. I can’t unfollow her because it would kill me to not know how she’s getting onn.
I don’t want to get back together I don’t know what I want. But for two people who share some incredible memories I don’t care what she thinks ATM we really do, it shouldn’t be like this.
I’m just a guy who’s had his life turned upside down, I’m broken hearted, I’m confused and saddened by it all. This was caused by anorexia not anybody.
I just want the horrible stuff to stop the digs everything. 
I am from the bottom of my heart sorry for everything, I just want this to stop ๐Ÿ˜ข 
This has been the worst experience of my life and I’m not allowed to show it because I have no right as she’s ill. But this is beyound tough not the breakup but the way you wanna punish me ๐Ÿ˜ข I never did anything wrong but say I feel used.
๐Ÿณ๐Ÿณ๐Ÿณ๐Ÿณ๐Ÿณ the white flags are there I mean no harm I mean no hurt.
I’m just sad for your illness and confused.
Heartbreak is like losing someone to death it’s a grieving process, I have never had to experience this about anyone who’s been so important to me. 

So I’m trying to learn it I really am…I’m just so sorry I’m failing.
I mean no harm..
I am sorry 

A recent memory ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„

So this blog has taken two days to type lol
I stupidly wore my contacts the other day and have had a 24 hour migraine ๐Ÿ™ˆ
So I have had to relive a place I experienced with her and also go to a new place….where she is! I don’t work job number 2 often but to get both places in one day was kinda freaky.
But it was a day of joking around as per with Derek, he wanted to listen to magic….this is where I experienced something different.
A song came on the radio just a song that’s all, “sweet Caroline” theses words…”hands, touching hands, reaching out, touching me,touching you” now it’s ironic that this happened while driving into Norwich probably the last time I heard this song, me an her used to sing this to each other and do the actions….normally I would have freaked and switched it off…how ever sang at the top of my voice and smiled, I thought what an amazing laugh we used to have, even now writing it makes me smile.

Don’t get me wrong it’s disappointing I don’t think I will ever experience that connection again, how ever I’m so lucky to have anyway.

This is a memory that makes me smile, I ignore everything else that’s what it was all about.
But it proves memories don’t need to be painful memories they can be good and is why we as humans interact with people and fall in love.
So shattered ATM sorry if my blogs are poorly written and make little sense, to many late nights and work ๐Ÿ™ˆ but I just wanted to show that I now smile at some of our memories not get upset anymore ๐Ÿ˜„
I am nervous to blog to a new follower I’m worried it’s just to get me in trouble ๐Ÿ™ˆ but I hope not, I wanna say I read your blog and have ๐Ÿ˜„ with progress you are making, I dreamed of this stage in your progress but not with us like this ๐Ÿ™ˆ…. don’t look at the bad, but look back on your life before remember the good times you had and experienced and think you can do that again, you won’t be lonely your to amazing to be, people flock to you as they are attracted to the person you are!!! You will make more incredible memories in your new life!

Anyway people, stay safe enjoy your Thursday and keep blogging don’t be ashamed to say what ever you think.

My heart breakย 

My heart was broken, my brain was removed, my body was motionless and life had stopped.This was me, I became a mess instantly as time moved on I didn’t, I stopped and the pain the destruction it got worse.

This was a very different scenario though, there was a very server illness involved an illness which killed 6% of its suffers and a mental illness affecting her brain her thoughts changing her identity both visually and mentally.

I then became guilty, I blamed myself. This caused pain, I hated me I hurt myself punished my body and tried to commit suicide I crushed some pills and poured a drink…I couldn’t live a life carrying the guilt, I didn’t wanna live with out my dream girl I felt as though she had died.

It didn’t getter it got worse, my life infected by my brain and it hit rock bottom.

I don’t obsess over one girl, I told this girl I loved her and I have never told anyone like I did her, I dreamt about my life and everything I dreamt of had her in it every life step had this person in it, I have never thought about my future so much. Everything was fine till she got sick we battled hell and earth to be a couple to make anniversary 1 was the biggest roller coaster of my life ( I’m not a big fan of them) there was tears and tears and break ups and arguments and mistakes and police and shouting….but when she kissed me goodbye in hospital 1 she cried her eyes out, she apologised to me for being ill this melted my heart but I knew then that this was not just any girl she literally was the girl I wanted to call my wife to spend the rest of my life with. 

Then I witness visually and over the phone changes, she was a mess she lost her brain, she was suicidal saying silly things and doing silly things she cut her self and wrote on herself it would make me nearly sick and I cried to sleep worried about this girl I never ever ever loved anything or anyone like her I would have literally died for her I wanted this to stop, I watch her turn into a tv character this couldn’t be real the things she would do and say wasn’t her at all, she got worse not better and she began to take it out on me, she didn’t mean it but the illness was making her, but I could see this. 

I was talking to someone at work and he was explaining about his wife, how she puts up with him and his work and have been together 35years…he said I wish everyone found someone like his wife someone he thinks about everyday and would do anything for, he explained that for 35 years you have to work you have to overcome stuff, learn to adjust and just not give up, it’s the hardest but best thing he said he ever did, he thinks online dating and the fact people think they can do better it’s easy to throw it away…his very right.

I have that feeling and it will never go away, but what makes this all so much harder is that she got so ill, she let the illness end us like I meant nothing, I was confused I thought she loved me. She easily stopped talking to me where as I dream of anything from her every single second, my best memories are with her I couldn’t imagine my life with out her, where as she instantly happily just cut me out the picture and threw me in the bin…I was distraught…it took me months to stand back and be told, what did I experience with her??? She changed she lost her mind, what is anorexia? It’s a mental illness…..that all my questions answered, it’s sad to lose all that to an illness.

But it’s turned to hate she detests me and my family, she won’t ever talk to any of us again, my mum is devastated to my mum adored her, her family hate me and blame me now too.

But I respect her wishes I can’t change her mind I’m not a physco, but i can’t help that she turned into girl of my dreams, I read her progress and smile I wanna share with the world then I realise i can’t, I wanna tx her and say well done princess but I can’t I wanna go visit her and cuddle her when I hear she’s sad but I can’t I wanna send a gift of my love so she knows people care but I can’t….instead I break my heart, I read she wants a new life, I read no one cares I read everyone drops her…I sometimes think she treats me the way people treat her.

But she hates me she would blink if I was hit by a bus, I feel all sorts just this isn’t my princess at all, it’s sad that my whole life plan is dead due to anorexia.

But I’m still here supporting her, worried by every bad blog and smiling by every positive I just wish she didn’t hate me so much I wish she didn’t see every i say a negative, I don’t blame or hate her at all I adore her…I’m not fighting for anything I just care so much about someone so special, just wish she sat and thought about it instead just hating me ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
I have a new lease of life I have to remain focused, my career is no1 I have told by someone at work his gonna make me a pilot for my airline this was my dream as a child and I’m gutted il never be able to share with my dream girl, but new life or not I just care still….why is that so wrong!!!
All my blogs are taken as a dig…it’s not at all I’m past digs Iv had to many ups downs on this roller coaster, it’s genuine just worry and concern for a special young lady.
I needed to clear the air or at least try, I’m big enough to hold my hand up though …
And say I’m sorry!!!
Thanks to everyone again who has been concerned, I’m totally fine I promise ๐Ÿ™‚ don’t pray for my healthy pray for hers please…for me, thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ 
Happy blogging bloggers ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Thanks and broken silenceย 

So it’s time to break my silence.First of all thank you to people and even the email from WordPress concerned about a previous blog I wrote, I am fine.
I decided to take time, spend sometime with myself. Which ultimately has proved to be vital ๐Ÿ™‚
The last time I blogged things turned bad pressure from life and work and people had done it, finally got pushed to the edge I was adamant I was killing myself I didn’t want to spend another day blaming myself for someone else I spent a while hearing their words.
I was taught a trick though of an elastic band every time you thought something you shouldn’t ping the band….my arm was red for a while lol 
How ever with support from real honest people, things have changed I no longer blame myself, i am gonna hold my hand up and admit I made mistakes a while ago, but I had changed then when I supported her I was a good person beyond good in fact, I did things no one should ever have too do and took stuff I didn’t deserve…however admittedly my mistake was when she didn’t need me anymore I got confused and mixed with love and worry for her health tried too hard to talk…now if that’s my biggest mistake I hold my head high. I shouldn’t 

 be amongst the ones who should feel guilty. 
But you know what this now is my new life, things have changed around a lot in 2 weeks, I miss this girl every single day but stuff makes me realise she is just out to hurt me the guy who stopped his life to help them, I received a smashed laptop this week I gave that to her to give her something to watch tv on in hospital and blog with etc, I read her blogs and it’s just how others help her like no else has and how she wants a new life meaning I meant nothing, she’s seriously out to hurt me.
And stupidly I still love her and think about her all the time but I’m no longer a door matt I’m pleased she’s recovering I really am I have so much pride but I realise she doesn’t think about me she didn’t love me…why beat myself up. 
Well I’m not anymore ๐Ÿ˜Š life’s changing, time to change with it. 
Iv learnt everyone has a choice in life nobody’s decisions are made by anything else but them self, don’t kid your self and don’t be so weak that people walk over you. Stay strong.
But I’m me again, I let myself smile now ๐Ÿ˜„ I force myself to eat correctly, I am training like mad for my half marathon, I am doing amazing at work apparently, I’m back to studying my back side off and am ready for my first set of exams again to continue my dreams, but most of all people are mentioning I am my old self cheeky and talkative that to me is the biggest well done I ever need ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜ฌ
I don’t hate my old life, I certainly miss someone I thought was gonna be in it for ever…but this is her choice and I’m making the most of what I have left.
And if you read this…I don’t hate you!! An will always remain here for you, keep going because you have done an amazing job, I’m so proud to read your getting to a place I dreamed of the day you cried an apologised for being ill. 
Life is to short to be angry, depressed or hold grudges….I hold zero ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Blame

So Iv been busy driving, i away.

I get a text from someone telling me I need to give her stuff now or next weekend which I can’t. 

I then get blamed for her being in hospital it’s my fault I had told people earlier she wouldn’t be there and they now have to visit daily.

Yet when she was ill I had no choice if I had told them she would never talk to me again she said…what do I do? Yet I am my family we’re the only ones who looked after her and now all a sudden they blame me for her being aneroxic it’s my fault she’s In hospital.

I’m being told I abused her and harass her I don’t at all, I miss her I’m confused but now everyone moving there guilt on me.

Iv already stopped eatting, cutting myself, don’t sleep I can’t feel any more guilty….I’m worried I’m gonna do somit bad now.
I don’t deserve to be alive ๐Ÿ˜ฆ 

Loveย 

Her blogs are getting to me…sometimes I wanna scream, what you doing lolIv read about how she blames herself and that she said stuff she didn’t mean, that she’s horrible and all the above.

Then she’s single because 4 ex’s gave up on her because she maybe wasn’t nice or good enough.

Now I am number 4, but this isn’t the case I never went anywhere, her illness meant she couldn’t be in a relationship I hated it but it is what it is. 
How ever I can write this as I know she no longer reads anything to do with me…I love this stupid girl, she’s daft Iv never loved a human being like I do her even now she’s all I think about I’d give my right arm for anything from her. I still dream about my future and wish is was with her I want a family and I want it with her I wanna experience everything and only with her.

I can’t imagine it with anyone else.

As a girlfriend she was a headache lol but in such a good way, we would laugh all time till my head hurt, we would always be planning out next adventure or experience we had such an amazing life, we are the boy girl version of each other. (That’s an incredible thing to find),my family abso adored her they still do deep down, she was the wife material ya family want for any one.
She is perfect, away from the illness she’s her she’s who she is what she’s all about she’s such a special individual…its why it hurts so much she’s ill and this has all happened.

So much has been said and so much happened none of it relevant it’s all the past it was all related to the illness.
I wish there was a way to tell her how much I love her, I wish I knew if she loved me…..I wish a lot of things, maybe she does love me…guess this is stuff il never know.
But I hate hearing how crap of a person she thinks she is when in fact she’s the most incredible person I have ever meet and all I want in the world is her that statement alone tells you the whole world what an incredible person she is.
Anorexia has destroyed her life and my relationship but she’s still that same person we all adore…just wish she knew. 

The fight

So my brain is fighting with its self.peoples advice is all different my heart my head are not sure. It’s confusing.I freaked the other day, been blocked for so long I got used to the odd msg helping me knowing it wouldn’t send…but Monday it delivered, I dropped my phone on the floor and panicked like mad.

But why? I’d dreamed of hearing from her and what not but right now I jump every time my phone lights up incase it’s her I’d be to scarred to read a text from her yet it’s all I want at the same time.

I’m scarred it will be horrible she has so much hate towards me it’s unreal, I don’t wanna be shouted at.

My councillor suggested I try talking with her, I said she hates me…but she like everyone else says she doesn’t she’s just not well which I understand but I just feel she does hate me and blame me.

I read her blog about how she’s getting on and it’s amazing she’s getting better but heart breaking to hear her brains trying to fight with her over the ilness.

I read earlier how she wants a new life and a future….an it really hit home, I miss her so much I thought my new life was gonna be with this beautiful girl my future would be with this future girl.

My head hurts it so lost, people are telling me such conflicting stuff and I feel I’m. Being realistic but yet I know I’m so hard on myself….I wanna marry her still cause I do I can’t imagine my future with anyone else and all that happened is completely understandable…..but I’m to scarred to communicate with her but like wise would love too.

Iv zero idea.

This 7 weeks has been a huge rollercoaster Iv learnt loads about myself etc etc not all good but ya need bad to create good, but my feelings for this girl are just ridiculous I also found out how much I did love her….this illness has put a massive scare on her but also has ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Mental health is the worst situation as a couple you could deal with!!
Life is never simple is it!!!
Happy hump day people ๐Ÿ™‚