I annoy myself

So I’m failing…. my true love and I’m letting her down.

She is going through hell and I’m so proud of her but I keep letting her down.

She called me today and was so happy she’s been doing well….but then all a sudden she stopped talking to me and didn’t wanna tell me what had happened just she wanted to be alone, I tried to find out what was wrong, but I upset her so I left her alone as she asked. But I guess me finding out was what wrong was wrong or maybe I shouldn’t left her alone, maybe I didn’t do it right. She told me I was in a mood so stupid me must have given the wrong impression off as I was fine but still concerned for my girl.

I hate how angry I make her, how much I let her down how I annoy her but it’s even more heart breaking I don’t even no why that’s how crap i am. 

I had a naff day, awful infact I feel sorry for myself coz I’m a little under the weather everyone wants attention when ya feeling sickly, but I didn’t get chance to say anything and it’s all coz i must say wrong things or give off wrong vibes.

I wanna settle down with this girl, Iv recently realised how much she means to me so….why am I such an rubbish boyfriend???

The illness called Anorexia

Anorexia.
It’s not a choice not to always eat, imagine the thought of being hungry and being in a supermarket but your unable to select anything from the shelf, calories are going through your mind, then your body what will that cake do to my body I can’t but I want to, this is Anorexia.

My best friend is living this nightmare at the moment and I’m by her side though it as much as she will let me, recently Iv held her hand through 1 A&E visit, 1 GP visit, 2 support worker meetings, 1 blood test, 1 blood pressure check and finally 1 food clinic visit this was all in 7 days…this girl had been out through torture.

I sit with this girl I look at her face I see the discolour in her cheeks I see the lack of meat on her like a normal human being I witness the tears she bleeds I witness the tiredness from walking. She no longer can decide anything as her brain is just food it thinks nothing else, I witness her snappy I witness every that this illness is doing to my soulmate.

She wakes up everyday and thinks food how to avoid how to not get told to eat how to not get fat, yet she looks in the mirror and is disgusted she looks like an old lady she looks like she’s knocking on deaths door. She has to wear cloths to layer up to keep warm and look better, we went to a supermarket last week and 2 people were clearly staring at her looking her up and down as she is so skinny her legs are tiny her arms are tiny she looks awful, she is still the most beautiful girl though. 

She has a bed ready 400miles away if she doesn’t eat, they will stop her being a human she will be told what to do what to eat and when, she won’t be able to do as she pleases and will be alone…this breaks my heart in two.

She doesn’t want to get to this stage but the illness is stopping her from seeing how close she is, if I tell her then I’m upsetting the illness and she doesn’t see it.

It’s not about putting food in her mouth this illness is taking over her brain, her choices, her body basically her whole life and she can’t beat it.

I am petrified, I get upset on my own about it I talk to my mum about it to try and comfort me, but this poor beautiful little girl is wondering around this big planet battling this every second of every single day.

I love her she’s my best friend so I can’t lose her but every day this illness is getting her a step closer to death and she wants it now too as she’s sick of the battle.
But she is a very very brave girl and she keeps finding that tiny peace of energy to try, I can’t explain in words because there isn’t a word or isn’t a sentence that can describe how proud of her I am for trying she’s my inspiration she is incredible. I want her to know I adore her and please keep fighting you will break down this illness and you will you again you have a long life left to live, I won’t let it take you away from me so early.
Please realise the damage anorexia has on a life it’s not a choice to be stick thin it’s not easy coping with it, its not nice to stare at someone because they look fragile…this is a human being who is slowly killing her self because there is not tablet to make it stop, there is no quick fix and as me I have to try and help but mainly sit here and watch someone I love, fall apart lose her identity and slowly die in front of my eyes.

I just want it to go away now, leave her alone she’s suffered enough. I want my beautiful girl back!
Life can be cruel.

She does read my bloggs so this is kinda for her to realise I get her pain and share mine too on the subject. But please comment anything if you think it will help as she will read.

Thanks all, happy Wednesday 

Crazy 48hours

So the last 48 hours have been crazy to say the least, I sit at work right now having sneaked in some sleep a very proud young man.There are 2 reasons for this see if you can work them out.

2 days ago my ex who I wasn’t talking with properly after messing up with anxiety, well she asked me if I could pick her up from work….this is where it begun it turned out she had been trying to take her life she had tried to throw her self down the stairs the day before and had that morning taken an excessive amount of pills and wasn’t feeling well.

I collected her she was like a lost child, she was on edge, staring into space and looked like a ghost she was so ill, she is anorexic to so her life is spiralling out of control, she didn’t look like the girl I feel in love with she doesn’t have the energy to even talk anymore, once upon we would laugh, sing along and just be generally happy. 

This completely snapped my heart in to peaces, how ever I kept it together and made her go to A&E we spent 5 hours there but had a good chat while waiting she opened up about her feelings and explained how she feels she can turn to me about anything (that made me smile) but I held her hand and went and seen every doctor and nurse with her (I did hide from the needle bit tho).

There was a moment when she was told to take her jumper off…8 jumpers, tops later she got down to just 1 and they lifted her top up wire her shall I say and I couldn’t look because she is all skin an bone ๐Ÿ˜ฆ she looked ill it was like a Skelton laying in a bed look like she wasn’t meant to come out she looked on deaths door I had to dig deep not to show how deviated I am. I promised the doctor I would take her home and look after her at mine. I got her home and we talked loads about us and her and she said she was giving me a chance but my last ever chance which TBH didn’t bother me, what did bother me was her.

Then yesterday ๐Ÿ™‚ she had zero sleep I didn’t get much but she started making a difference and she still can’t see it but we were up and at her doctors for opening we got an appointment and she went and finally decided to get some time off work to recharge..step one. 

She then asked me if I would do the hardest thing Iv ever done in my life, she asked me as she was scarred if I would sit her mum down on my own and tell her what’s been happen as her parents no nothing she hides from them….so again I had to find some words and hold my nerve and I sat her mum down who i don’t know amazingly and tell her that her daughter tried to kill her self and is eatting her way to death too, how I kept that one cool I will never ever ever know but I did it for the girl I adore. Then our journey continued to her next appointment I took her to see her food councillor, this wasn’t a success she has been told they are beginning to search a bed for her to omitted to hospital, she has to drink some stuff to give her energy so she can do stuff and she has a milkshake diet as she won’t eat but just about have a milkshake. This is again heart breaking I don’t want her taken away for a length of time ๐Ÿ˜ฆ il miss her too much.

She has agreed to spend my 4 days off with me so I can help her an look after her….an to thank me she has booked us a couple night in my home (fav place) the other end of the country she’s never been but it’s my safe place and just wow she really didn’t need to but she wanted to say thanks and knows how special that place is to me. 

I am going to make her have a fun weekend she will smile ๐Ÿ™‚

I just want the little princess back I adore so much, I wouldn’t done any of this for anyone else.

She’s so special and she will read this at some point and when you do I want you to read me tell the whole wide world you are one special young lady, your strength is commendable and I am so proud of you for fighting this, life is cruel and tough no one chooses to suffer, but you choose to beat it and that you are ๐Ÿ™‚ you should be proud.
…an the second person I’m proud of me, I’m sooo proud of myself I wrote some awful blogs over the months and didn’t know if I’d still be here today to write but now I don’t know how I did it but I made myself realise and I’m not the same person at all….I dropped her home yesterday and she called me so happy her mum knew and was supporting her, when she hung up I cried on the drive home lol sooo dammm proud.
Anyway I rambled but, never give up on life it will get better. 

Happy Wednesday people ๐Ÿ™‚ 

#day10 – where i would like to live

For me it will be again one day Newcastle.

I spent all my adult life there, it’s a very special city to me.

You have the amazing night life with all the sounds and sights you expect many bars, clubs and pubs the atmosphere of happy people many visiting during weekends, the mix of people on an evening out from stag and hen dos to, people visiting for weekends or students or the ever loving Geordies them self.

Then there is also the coastal area where I lived, you have an amazing coast line which has amazing views and have walked to full length a few times from a ruined castle all the way to a light house on it’s only little island, Iv walked the beach and run along the water edge it’s amazing to clear your mind there is somthing very special about sitting on the beach in winter and feeling the wet cold air come off the sea and watching the sun go down its incredible.


Then there is the countryside to you can travel minutes away to be in a quiet country pub or woodlands to walk and explore or just sit and enjoy in the summer with an ice cream of course but experience the great out doors.


So yeah I’m not ready to return there just yet but I intend to enjoy it more and would massively like to show others of this amazing crazy city that i call HOME.
Happy Wednesday people ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

#day9 things that make me happy

Okay, so things that make me happy are spending time with loved ones and special people.

Now I don’t have a close bond of people where I currently am, but I love spending time with certain people or person.

Also for me visiting a city I grew up in brings a lot of good memories for me I restarted my life there it’s very special to me.

But when someone does something for me I value this sooo much, makes me happy. I was today brought a cake from someone….nothing at all really something totally silly but makes me sooooo happy someone went two seconds out of there day to do something for me it’s so rare it means soooo much.

Also music, nothing makes me more happier then a good old sing song in the car cheesy music I can sing my head off too cool or not I do not care.

And my last thing is flying of course, nothing is more amazing then hurtling down a runway and taking off fighting the wind and looking at the incredible sights below you, its special makes me very happy.

#day8 my fears

Okay so playing a little catch here…
I have many fears in life but a few of the main ones are death, now death scares me which is odd as Iv thought about suicide before but death and closing my eyes and ever opening them again never thinking anything again or never talking again never moving just black just nothing it scares me yeah, I don’t want to die with out enjoying life and have experiences to which I’m currently doing neither, I’m scarred il never  experience true happiness for longer then small periods in my life.

I have a fear of being like my Dad, growing up my dad help contribute to a terrible up bringing making me the car crash of a person I am today, I never wanna turn out like him and I strive never to treat anyone the way he did to me.
Now last one is a touch strange, how ever I have a fear of heights lol yes I wanna be a pilot but I’m scared of heights I’m fine in an aircraft….just thought I would share that as it makes people laugh.

#day 6 If you could have any job and why?

Now this for me is very very easy.

From a young child I used to remember being taken to airport to watch the aeroplanes I used to watch them come in and be amazed and I thought how amazing pilots must be to me they were more incredible then the royal family.

So I grew up believing this couldn’t happen you need to be rich and well educated, I’m neither so I decided to gain employment in aviation to get close to aircraft and I loved seeing a cockpit for the first time the walking in and handing paper work over never got boring even after 10 years I loved it.

I then worked with several guys who worked they way through and are now first officers and even captains, an decided I could actually do this.

I then began but stopped as I got distracted and my now job I work for an airline I basscially do everything accept fly the thing.

So now know I need to nuckle down continue to work hard and wait for that day I love my ultimate dream, I will not stop till I get there 
๐Ÿ™‚ โœˆ๏ธ