May 19th

Today is a very hard day for me, May 19th was the day I meet my ex partner she was a dream come true.
Everything I had ever dreamed of and more was there, she even offered more then I can ever dream of.

I didn’t realise it quite as possible to love another human being that much and I didn’t realise how special it is to love your best friend and soulmates do exist as she was definitely mine.

Right now we are apart and shouldn’t be, we maybe wouldn’t be had I accepted it but I didn’t because I didn’t wanna lose her.
Today we should be celebrating this week should have been life changing for us both as a couple, but today I sit alone thinking of her wishing this wasn’t happening. Wasting a day as I don’t have her to enjoy it with.
I wanna say f**k it let’s fix this right now stop feeling sad and move on and be together, I wanna apologise till I lose my voice as I know Iv done wrong but I can’t il end up in prison and today I planned for her to be woken up by two red roses to show that it’s been the worth everything to be with such a special girl. But I can’t do that either.

But it’s heart breaking that we are apart when we don’t want to be and I can’t do anything about it. Iv lost her for ever.

For what it’s worth I am sorry, I messed up and am paying the price with the police. Falling in love is scary, your whole life to one person is scary giving your heart your feelings to someone else ya brave.
So losing that bond losing love was even more scary. An I didn’t no what to do I didn’t react correctly and did think straight. I was hurting from everything and trying to work out why.

But now I have lost the one person I actually truly loved in this world for what…my inability to give up, I am gutted ashamed of myself and sad. Not so long ago we were the happiest couple I know right now we are the saddest and missing each other.

Today sucks and I’m sad so sad, I wish she would forgive me, I love her so much.

May 19th …should have been

So I never thought I would be writing this blog but all day Iv wondered weather or not to be honest with the world, as it is on my mind I am going to share and I’m not sure my partner doesn’t read.

So today is the 18th of May, on the 19th of May 2 years ago I adventured on the scary thought of a blind date, how ever the twist was this date turned out to be the most incredible woman I had ever meet. I instantly feel in love with her.

Two years on a we have rode a rollercoaster, but some of best moments of my life. We had only been back together a couple of month but this time I believed it was true believed it was real.

So tomorrow was planned to be our 2 years celebration, it was planned to be in our favourite hotel in one of our favourite city’s a city that had been a major part of our life’s for the right and wrong reasons.

How ever this was going to be different, I had planned in my head that during this week I would be visiting her father and asking for his acceptance to marry his daughter, it was gonna be crazy but it was my way to show her an the world we was serious.

I had borrowed some money and was prepared. I had emailed the hotel to see if I could possible set it up so that one the evening a different bedroom to ours would be pitch black and lit up with tea light candles in the shape of a heart I had written a poem….

 

19th of May is a very special day,
Which why I have whisked you away.

We been through much some not great,
Even our first day I turned up late.
There was and is something about you
When with out you, I don’t no what to do.
You make me smile and make me happy,
I don’t even care if your mad and snappy.
We laugh so much and have great fun
I’m the moon and your my sun.

We seem to just fit and meant to be
I want life to be with you and some sea
When we hold hands it just seems to fit
Il even hold ya hand after ya had a s**t

I hope that made you smile
Time to hold that for a while.
Because about to hurt my knee
And I probably need a wee
But if you look at me right now
I hope you will remember this day
As there something I really wanna say

It’s kinda crazy but feels so right to do,

Aimee my princess, I want to marry you

….

 

 

Yeah it was crazy but I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.

This weekend should have been so different. I don’t no why I want to share it but maybe if I say it on paper it will exit my thoughts.

This is such a hugh mess, today I have been trying to sort a solicitor out for court which is just nuts.

But for all this mess I actually love her to absolute peaces, no one can control who they fall in love with. I just wish maybe we had seeked some help to help us succeed.

I still wanna marry her, but I have faced reality that this time I really let her down.

Today is a sad day. Tomorrow will be tough.

Dreams

When do all the dreams stop?

I had a really bad nights sleep, my dreams won’t stop I guess it’s my mind that doesn’t want to switch off.
My dreams feel so real, so much so that I wake up every time.
Atm my dreams are mixed last night my dreams varied from me thinking I was asleep in a police cell to me expecting the front door to go an Aimee standing there.
But they seem so real, part me wanted check the door lol
Another full day at home alone today, how I wish for sitting in the garden having breakfast with my partner to plan our day and enjoy the sunshine, instead I have no plans.

Life should be so different and we both want the same life, just incredible how we aren’t.

This can’t continue

I was told earlier, not long and this will all be over just hang in there. Everything keeps saying there so sorry I don’t deserve this or I don’t understand why../

Well NO, okay it’s happened. I can’t change it and the blame is at no ones door but my own. I will have to take my punishment for what it is like a man.
For what ever my reason was I knew I wasn’t allowed too. Neither of me or my partner deserves all this absolute caos now. We have gone from a incredible and happy couple to strangers and miserable but it’s a mixture of us both and some really rubbish situations and issues in our life’s it’s a shame we have missed out the good stuff the other side and our life’s should be so so so different.

I said how can she love me and so many others are telling me now you can see she doesn’t love you, how ever I sat in my cell last night and thought about everything, I know she loves me even now which is why this caos is so hard and so painful.

But it is what it is, right now I’m gutted and hurt every second of every single day, but when you love someone you have to appreciate them too, if she doesn’t wanna be with me then I can’t do anything…I’m most certainly tried. No matter how much of my own life Iv messed up, I won’t ever say to my self Jamie you didn’t try.

But right now it is important I get up, I start trying to live a life and start challenging myself. I must eat, I must socialise, I must care about myself and I must beat this feeling.
I am off work till Sunday and I know Saturday is going to hurt but I have to get up and beat this now.

The positive from last night, it was traumatic and just plain awful, I may be about to lose my dreams my girlfriend my career everything over texting but my god I will listen to my brain in the future and being at complete rock bottom….life can’t get any worse so tomorrow is going to be a better day pretty much sure of it!!

My love and feelings will never change because they are so true, but everything else has to change, this can’t continue.

Cell 8

So at 1700 yesterday I was arrested. Put into the back of a police car and driven to Chelmsford police station.
I sat in a cubical for 1hour 30mins waiting to be “booked in” I got seen to and arrested for “harassment” I was then taken to my cell.
Through the door the green floor and a room completely tiled, 16 tiles wide and 24 high. There was window with a metal back so no day light. In the room there in a toilet just the basin and a little ledge with a plastic mattress an pillow as the door closed the massive metal door, I sat there for 7 hours crying, depressed and heart broken.
I was questioned and told off I was shaking but admitted to texting when I shouldn’t off, I couldn’t stop my self I love her I was then sent back to my cell for longer.
You can’t sleep for all the screaming and shouting and the sound of foot steps then ya jump at the jangling of keys by your door.
Then it was my turn, Iv been charged and released on bail, I have to go to court in July.
I have to get a lawyer I don’t have money for one let alone know how to get one.
I’m to scarred to tell my mum she will throw me out.
But this biggest thing is…my career is finished, I can no longer take my new job as I can’t work airside at an airport with a criminal record, I can’t keep my job as Iv quit and been already replaced, I can’t ever work in aviation again as I won’t be allowed to work in an airport and the biggest upset is, my dream is over as a child I dreamt of becoming a pilot it’s all I ever wanted, but I will no longer be able to 😦
Since a little boy all I wanted was to be a pilot and from 18 worked in aviation with aircraft I’m geeky I love them so much, I worked so hard all my life to be able to have a good job and it’s about to all be taken away from me for 3 text msgs and being accused of following someone when I didn’t I was act parked up crying.

I’m struggling to cope with out my partner but now to lose everything I dreamt of and worked so hard for over 3 texts, the 3 texts consisted of me saying I miss her, I was truly sorry and good luck in an interview and feeling sad I’d been blocked on social media.
Now the girl who just over a week ago said she wanted to spend the rest of my life with me, has now ruined the rest of my life 😦

I’m numb right now, how do I wake up an try and smile now? I don’t wanna live anymore I literally have nothing at all 😦

But I read she has a new job she likes and doesn’t wanna think about me any more, so as long as she’s now happy I guess.

I hate the fact I’m the worst boyfriend ever but I guess this is what deserve, this is the biggest punishment you can get, my life is finished.

 

i could even go to prison, this is a dream it has to be. I hate my life, I seriously don’t wanna live a second longer

I have to

I lay in bed still and have managed 3 hours sleep all night. My mind going crazy. I woke up and thought I was at her house and then woke up cuddling her blanket she used. I have it real bad 😦 Iv sat and watched videos off us singing and golfing and singing again and can’t quite believe this is happening.
People have suggested she may have had her head turned by someone else, some people saying she just struggling and taking it out on me and someone are just saying she never loved me….me, I can’t say anything because I don’t no anything all I do know is I miss my girlfriend more then I have ever missed anything in my life.

Today I’m home alone as per and Iv dug out a few belts, my heads telling me to tie them together from the banister go find a box to then stand on and while around my kneck, kick the box!!! This feels like I know it would work, I wouldn’t then come home cry and continue with this.

This sounds extreme for a break up, but it’s not just break up, it’s my best friend gone to and it’s the way I’m so evil and this and that, I can’t explain how it feels when you love someone so much 😦

But I can’t take anymore of feeling lost, longing for someone who hates me and just feeling so lonely no one knows how this feels and I can’t do it anymore.

There’s no one around and no one who cares anyway, I have to!

Can’t take another day

I literally can’t take anymore of this not one more second.
I drove to see my ex to ask for my money as I’m skint, but bottled it parked round the corner calmed and then drove off then as I drove off I drove past her, she made out I was monster and was petrified of me, I said I just needed my money I had none and she said she had posted it I said sorry then I drove off park just round the corner and cried.

Why is this happening to me, why? We broke up over nothing, I had done nothing at all but she finished with me because she didn’t believe me. Then I got upset as she said she didn’t love me and I tried to gain time with her to talk her round yet in this evil monster for trying save my relationship and future marriage I tried that all. But now I’m a monster, I am in trouble with the police, I have no contact at all I’m blocked of abso everything again.
It’s making me ill, I can’t eat I can’t sleep I can’t do anything I’m losing my life again.

Yet all I did was try way to hard to save my relationship, I tried everything. The reason I did this was because I believed her when she said she wanted to marry me, I believed her when she said she wouldn’t drop me, I believed everything she told me everything.
If she loves me and it was all true, how can she sit back and punish me like this? I said stuff wrong and apologised many times, the police telling off tho the blocked no communication and saying you hate me and never wanna see me again…that’s not needed surely not if it’s someone you wanna marry?
All this because we were both quiet while I was at work an thought something was wrong with the other, yet it’s me who’s paying the price.

I have just received my money in a cheque which has even spelt my name incorrect my first name, this is the love of my life 😦

I have lost my future wife and quit the job I worked so hard for, I have no one at all no one. She hates me and wants me to suffer.

I love her and miss her so much.

Iv called a support line, but I think I’m going to do something silly tonight, I don’t wanna take tablets incase it doesn’t work. I want this to work, I can not wake up tomorrow I just can’t do another day, I can’t wish this was a dream and can’t dream one person would talk to me that’s all I can’t dream it anymore I can’t be lost any more of devisated I can’t deal with hating myself as I’m horrible I can’t deal with her being scarred of me because I tried I can’t deal with losing my job I don’t care about my new one I don’t care about my family and I don’t have any friends and the one person I care so much about…they don’t care about me.

I intend to use my belt to finish this mess, I promised myself I would never even consider this again but this time Iv lost everything My job, girlfriend and my best friend.

I can’t do another day in this much pain being hated this much…I just can’t!

It’s been made pretty clear I deserve all of this!!