#day 4 A happy memory

Okay this is an odd one as this is going to be my birthday weekend, it’s weird because I was dreading hitting 30.

How ever I was well and truely spoilt, my birthday consisisted of being spoilt and made to feel very special something I’m very much not used too why it remains.

So presents a side someone had decorated the place, brought me a couple cupcakes with candles…I’d not had a birthday cake ever before I don’t think. I was then taken out for dinner and spent a night with my at the time girlfriend, and all my mates and I loved it… even more so because it was awkward for my lass but she continued to ignore it 🙂 I felt special.

I was then taken away to a beautiful part of the country and remember the long country walk (very long) by the river then getting dressed up for our 3 course meal just us the restaurant lol then we went back and sat on our balcony in the dark wearing all the layers in the world having a drink and a cuddle was amazing.

Then the next day went and did segwaying was a good experience I loved it…. but for me it was for 3 days I was made to be the most important person in the world was the best feeling ever. 
🙂 

#day3 where would I like to be in 10 years.

So this isn’t the best blog as I’m about to go to sleep my life is so exciting I’m going to sleep early so I don’t get bored.
Sooo 10 years my dream has always been to be a commercial airline pilot it’s the childhood dream, it the inner geek in me Iv have a passion for aviation and it means the world to me to try be something I don’t believe I can.

I dream of being settled with a wife I adore, someone who cares as much about me as possible. Someone who wants to wake up and listen to my rubbish everyday lol 

I’m clumsy I do some crazy stuff at times so someone who want a laugh will defo get that with me.

I’d love a family, a sentence I never thought I’d say until my ex girlfriend… secretly dreamed it would happen.

I wanna be a good dad is my dream I wanna give a child/partner the love I have I wanna show the world I’m better then my dad and I want a family so I feel I have somit on this planet.
But these are dreams you think ya close to them all then you lose the lot!! Iv more chance of being the next Donald trump then I have any of them.
Most of all I wanna be free of this anxiety demon I wanna be able to live a normal life and not lose people who I adore!!!

#Day2 – The good the bad the ugly about me

Sat day 2 here goes, not a subject I enjoy.

The good, i believe in people, I value people so much because of life events to feel comfortable around people is important so when someone shows me this i repay.

I have a big heart when someone means something to me I will do anything for them I put myself a distant second take them places do stuff because I wanna show them what they mean to me. I still now spend every second worrying about someone who currently hates me yet I can’t stop myself worrying about her that I believe is a good thing to have a big heart. 

I care to much tho and this moves me to the bad, I care so much I begin to worry about someone so much I forget I’m living my life I spend all my time trying to make others happy I let my self get in a rut and I let people walk over me and I even apologise for it and that’s because I’m simple I like a simple life.

The ugly….anxiety, I found myself recently trying so hard for something that I couldn’t stop, something that was nothing and I could stop and I was losing control I began to say stuff I didn’t mean to get any reaction just to hear from someone, now that’s bad when ya care that much but the more I was being horrible the more I was hating myself the more I was worrying… I had a full on panic attack I was on my own and petrified I was shaking, couldn’t breath, I was in a mess and it took me hours to calm down this the ugly my brain my anxiety turns me into somit I’m not, my only way of coping is with people around me and I no longer have anyone….but hey that’s a different thing 🙂
Hope day 2 was okay 🙂

#day1

What,why and where you write.
So I write mainly about how I feel, I have had a mainly crazy, confusing and upsetting life I write about something that’s happened during that day or recently and I write about aimee….so aimee is my ex girlfriend she is also my first love and hopefully still my best friend.My life is crazy I want to kill myself one day, I wanna marry my ex the next and then I’m gonna battle life the one after my head don’t know what it can do. 

But it turns out my life choices are now based upon my childhood, being abused as a child and ignored as an adult apparently isn’t a good combo for someone’s brain lol

Why do I blog, to release my inner thoughts and honestly try and explain to aimee (her name will prop up a lot) what I mean when I say things or how I feel, because sometimes things are misenterupted and blown out proportion and there’s not always a straight forward way of explaining it.

Where, now I blog generally when I’m going to bed I lay in bed and this is when I’m most vulnerable when I most need to talk so I let it out, during nights shifts at work too that’s s time my brain goes over drive so I can pin it all tiredness and loneliness.
So that’s day 1, hope it wasn’t to rubbish.

#30 day challenge 

Okay so I thought about stopping blogging as i basically telling my ex girlfriend I miss her an love her an she’s read this so it aimed at you. An you know it. 

So decided to twist things slightly and got massively inspired to blog about given subjects, so I have seen the 30 day challenges etc and I want in so I found someone who had started there own list so I have copied and borrowed there list as below, wish me luck and I hope you all enjoy reading about this very different young man.
This is the list 

1. What, why and where you write.

 2. Describe the good, the bad and the ugly about yourself.

 3. Where would you like to be in ten years?

 4. A happy memory.

 5. Dream travel destination, and why?

 6. Write about someone you really care about.

 7. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be and why?

 8. Your fears.

 9. Things that make you happy.

 10. Somewhere you would like to live, describe your dream home.

 11. Talk about your siblings/family.

 12. Recurring or memorable dreams you’ve had.

 13. Your biggest regret.

 14. Your fondest childhood memories.

 15. Something you miss.

 16. You win a significant amount of money, what do you spend it on?

 17. The highs and lows of the past year of your life.

 18. A bullet list of your day.

 19. Five of your strengths and five weaknesses.

 20. What would your superpower be and why?

 21. Your greatest accomplishment.

 22. Who would you invite to your “last supper”?

 23. Talk about your hobbies and why you like them.

 24. A list of things in your bedroom.

 25. An in depth description of your body and what you like about it.

 26. Some quotes you like.

 27. Seven things you think about a lot.

 28. A letter to your future self.

 29. A letter to your younger self.

 30. Write about anything you feel like today.

This was inspired by this link, 
My 30 day blog challenge – Thebitsandbobsinmybrain

I am always seeing posts from other from different thirty day blog challenges, and decided I wanted to join in. After a lot of googling I couldn’t find a list I liked so I have made my own. For anyone that isn’t familiar with the concept, it’s basically a list of blog subjects to inspire […]

https://thebitsandbobsinmybrain.wordpress.com/2017/02/28/my-march-30-day-blog-challenge-thebitsandbobsinmybrain/

Day2

Day 2…… started slowly, big day is getting close (not wedding) no day I go to be assessed at the Hospital, I’m petrified I can’t think of anything else, I msg my friend this morning as I promised myself I would carry on being polite to people I care about…but again she ignored me.

I continued work and was looking at stuff online to get me out of the U.K. And all sorts my brain was walking…. it got lunch time and I felt sick of worrying about tomorrow thinking about aimee, thinking back to last weekend I spent with her and the laughs at the pub and this thatbthe other let’s just say I was anxious.

I tx her and eventually she replied not a lot but she said was proud of my effort this along with one other saying the same kept me happy they don’t realise the power of them simple words.

Then as the day continued and it was stressful the closer to Friday I get the more scared I get. 

So I msg my friend she says look we go for a drink one hour only, I jump at it I don’t have anyone else….I say only if you want, she says well not really, I’m busy. My phone has poor signal so I head over I’m feeling up beat an positive for 20mins I’m not thinking of Friday….then I get there, she says she’s baking she’s busy…… I drop out that cloud and smash my face on the floor, she then said I’m in the bath go away. An tells me off because she changed her mind she never said would…. then pops in she’s out tomorrow night and can try fit me in at some point and then ignores all me again.

At this pint I’m feeling so low so low I can’t even cry am I angry or sad?

I end up apologising to her an she tells me off. I come home empty and lost my brain thinks nothing my body just moved im lost I’m so scarred and all I need is my friend who’s here yet all she wants is to arrange her next date……why do I hold no value.
I’m scarred 

Day 1

So today was day one fresh clean confident feeling. My day started off great motivated new me this will happen, my friend who won’t talk to me is on my mind as ever so, I text politely say good morning and wish her a great day. Was nice enough but again she ignores me.

How ever I try to be positive, I work hard and look at some good quotes and read some stuff about possible changes, all positive…. then lunch time comes and like clock work is here from my best friend but she’s not talking to me so I attempt to talk to her again I get nothing accept a one word answer, right now my moods changed I’m in the dip, but I’m hanging on and trying…she ignores me still.

So this afternoon I receive a call from the counciling people to say they have discharged me and that I need more help, this scares me….how have I got this bad. 

My mind starts to worry now, now I really need my friend but she’s not interested so I stand out in the cold to catch my breath and hopefully not cry at work.

Then the new unit call me, they say I have to go to hospital on Friday, that I should be prepared I may not be allowed home and if possible I should bring some support with me… how ever again my only support won’t talk with me. 

I got told that day 1 has been a success it’s brave to battle this and seek help, it’s scary to think what may happen but stupidly brace to do it completely alone, didn’t realise I just thought I was a failure to be in this situation.

But I’m doing this because I’m hurting the few who do care, just wish people would see how scarred I am….. and how alone I am, I need someone to tell me everything will be okay, but I guess they just don’t care.

But still day2 tomorrow 😥