Signs = sadness 

I read about signs the other day…. Iv been hit with the same sign all day long, which certainly isn’t helpful.
So today no word of a lie 3 times Iv been asked, “jamie how’s that beautiful girlfriend of yours” from people in 3 different branches… how’s my beautiful girlfriend, well she’s still beautiful but as I accidentally discovered the other day “is seeking a relationship” and she decided to hate me too.
I was out in Newcastle Monday one of my friends didn’t no and didn’t believe me either, he said Facebook and Instagram we looked in love… ” well I was”
Then today a girl who wanted spend my day off with her…. I made cry 🙈 said I couldn’t do it, she said not me “it’s Aimee” I didn’t realise I’d mentioned her much, turns out way too much, she then said somthing unkind about her… and I hung up and won’t reply to her.
Yet I then seen her dating profile and just broke my heart again, it’s the worst feeling ever this time.
Yet no one is Aimee she was literally perfection, I can’t explain it.
I told that lass who was lush in every way people will think I’m crazy, but I told her it made me feel guilty seeing her as I care more about her blogs then this lass, she just wasn’t her 😦
But why does it matter? This girl doesn’t just not care she completely hates me 😦

This is what destroys me!

If I was on fire this girl would probs walk past me and kick me that’s how much she hates me. So why do I care so much 😦
Then tonight I cancel all my plans to stay in, I’m still not feeling great and have a super long day on the road but I flick on sky and what films available 
Sully….. No 🙈 I wanted to watch this with her for ages, she loved winding me up about it all the time lol even called the radio to tell them one hahahaha but I can’t watch it!!! 😦
This memory makes me smile every time, but makes me realise she was just perfect 😦 and makes me miss every single thing about her 😦
I feel sain, but I did think today I wish I was someone getting caught up in these bad attacks I don’t care if I’m no longer here…it’s like there’s no point with her.
Life mann 

Week so far

What have I done…
I’m laughing as I type this because I’m bored of letting things stress me.
How ever I think I’m making a Hugh mistake, I’m massively doing somit I used to 🙈😂 

People would give there right arm to swap places but tbh I’d just let them lol 
On a better note I had a night out at football with my brother who moans like anything lol it did remind me of last time I went footie then came home to her….how ever everything I ever do ATM reminds me of Aimee, makes me smile and frown lol but for a couple hours tonight I just sat watched football in a massive bubble didn’t matter about anything else 🙂 was absolutely lush.
This week has been exhausting I’m mentally and physically drained. I’m sick of digs and all sorts crap, I’m to blame too but I’m fed up of it. 
My intentions are just to be polite not anything else.

I’m not gonna get another life I don’t wanna argue or fall out with someone who means the most in it.
Working my self Into the ground ATM il be home in time for a couple hours sleep before a days driving lol I can’t stop being busy or I’m scarred what it will do to the mind, I miss her more when I’m not busy. 

Now Iv got try make a rubbish excuse for Saturday because I can’t be bothered to go out lol 
This weeks been tough, but two people are on mind ATM one of them is a true true angel I can’t thank her any more for being my best friend she’s a rare one. The other well she hates my guts but I still think about her every single day and pray to god he helps her and gives her the strength and courage to see out that day and to do it as happy as possible. 
Two very different people but never the less both loved very much 
Happy Thursday now lol 

My headache

When two people are so a like, issues don’t always get fixed.
Right now two people who once Upon a time are making each other sad. It seems so simple to just say it’s easy wave goodbye and walk away.

This isn’t easy, maybe it’s more me that making this pro long or even more difficult. But it’s not through choice I can’t help the fact I loved her or that I still care every single second of every single day.

Now I understand I was wrong to say me and my family were used, but we feel that way everyone is entitle to change there feelings or want a new start or what ever it might be. But when you have been through such a traumatic experience together not just as a couple but also a part of each other’s family’s, it would have been better to talk about it. But unfortunately at the time talking should have been done her illness was at it’s worse.

The more it continues the more I didn’t understand I still don’t, to go from loving me one day talking about marriage to never talking to me again…it’s just so extreme and doesn’t make sense.

But now my confusion causes her pain this pain causes more hate and this hate well it hurts me.

But like wise she is aware that her dating hurts me, her telling the world she was never loved before hurts me, saying she msgs people from the past just not me that hurts me.

This is all because I was heart broken confused and upset.

I never imagined she would hold this kinda grudge over me, I imagined what we had been through was more important then my mistake of being upset. 
I know longer live a normal life, this girl affects me everyday in every blog and she knows she’s destroying me. I can’t unfollow her because it would kill me to not know how she’s getting onn.
I don’t want to get back together I don’t know what I want. But for two people who share some incredible memories I don’t care what she thinks ATM we really do, it shouldn’t be like this.
I’m just a guy who’s had his life turned upside down, I’m broken hearted, I’m confused and saddened by it all. This was caused by anorexia not anybody.
I just want the horrible stuff to stop the digs everything. 
I am from the bottom of my heart sorry for everything, I just want this to stop 😢 
This has been the worst experience of my life and I’m not allowed to show it because I have no right as she’s ill. But this is beyound tough not the breakup but the way you wanna punish me 😢 I never did anything wrong but say I feel used.
🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳 the white flags are there I mean no harm I mean no hurt.
I’m just sad for your illness and confused.
Heartbreak is like losing someone to death it’s a grieving process, I have never had to experience this about anyone who’s been so important to me. 

So I’m trying to learn it I really am…I’m just so sorry I’m failing.
I mean no harm..
I am sorry 

Why

Why oh why am I being punished?
I said I felt used and my family do too yet my words cause pain???
But have I not been used, everyone says I have I’m the only one who questions it.
I have done everything I can, but I’m the one causing upset.
What about ME do you remember me, do you think for one minute what I am going through because of you? How can people be pleased with making someone feel this way and it’s because I said I was used. This is not fair at all, there ruining my life they know exactly how much I’m struggling and no exactly how to make me struggle more this is turning into being nasty 😦
I haven’t seen my friends in nearly two year and my night was ruined I couldn’t drink wasn’t interested all because one person….why oh why do I deserve this 😦 
I can’t take it anymore 😦 

Treated like scum


I took her to every single appointment I watched her cry, I sat with her hours and hours in hospitals, I told staff I would look after her, my family took her in fed her gave her a roof, I spent all my savings on her, I helped her get to Ireland for the wedding I did literally everything for this girl.
She then went to a new hospital and accused me of looking through her phone and now ignores me. I tx her way to much but it’s coz I’m confused I did everything above that’s it, she repays me by treating me like scum.
She tells the world she trying get in contact with anyone but me…she knows it will upset. My whole life is a mess because of her and it’s all for the way she’s treating her. It’s as if because she’s ill it’s fine it’s allowed just blame jamie.
I don’t get it one little bit…how does someone who saved her life, become a peace of s*** 
I am trying so hard to be polite, but I can’t understand why she’s being so awful to me? 
I’m sick people saying she’s not well, she knows what she’s doing. She’s making me pay I can only imagine for the past 😦
I don’t know how much more I can take, it’s ruining my life 

What’s up? 

What is up, I was asked…..?
So I answered, I read her blogs and I read negatives and struggles she has based on simple everyday life. We all take for granted the ability to be able to do life simple tasks, how easy it is to leave the house and decide on anything to do unrestricted.

I don’t get upset or emotional based on wanting my ex girlfriend back I don’t get upset about her not wanting to talk or being allowed. 

I get emotional because I love her, maybe there are factors in which I should be angry and believe me there are moments but we are human and instincts and emotions take away our logical and sympathetic way of thinking.

I struggle a lot because I care so much about someone that even the hate they show me doesn’t stop me feeling the pain they go through the sadness and loneliness they describe, I get a shiver down my spine at the thought of a tear, I hate the sound of depression the suicidal thoughts she describes.

I think back to her laughter, the smile on her face…right now her voice is vanishing her beautiful face is distant, her love is non existent. The thoughts of her kindness, her strength and bravery her dedication to me as a girlfriend they seem a life time ago..but the good memories which I sit and remember describe a girl who no longer exists.

I recreate moments and wonder how better I could have handled situations how I could have done more. I still believe I am to blame i scratched the words “your killing her” and “you could have done more” into my brain, I close my eyes and hear them words I drive the car and silence brings it back, every blog reads “you could have done more” and “it’s all your fault” 

I carry my own personal guilt, I have made a human being this way and I deserve all the feelings I have, my life has been destroyed worse then Iv ever felt and it’s all my own doing. I don’t feel sorry for myself because I feel I’m to blame.
It’s a situation that could never be fixed, I wonder if her forgiveness would help or her making up with me! But I’m not sure anything will ever help me.
I grew up and programmed my brain that bad things that happen are always my fault and this time I can not stop punishing myself. I read how she hates me and wants new people In her life and I enjoy the way it hurts me deep down, I enjoy the fact it makes me suffer…I feel this is what I deserve.
Someone keeps telling me how amazing I am, how I should do this but I can’t listen I can’t agree I can’t even text back. I can’t stop this feeling I can’t stop the guilt.
I can’t stop loving someone who is so special I don’t care what’s right or what’s wrong, what’s said and what’s not I don’t care what people think or don’t…I just love a girl!! 
Life is not simple some people are bad people, I don’t believe any of this is deserved, I deserve this but that’s me.

This beautiful special young lady is the most incredible girl I knew, I planned on building my whole life with her. To find someone you can put your hand on your heart and say I get one go at life just one and I wanna experience with one person…that’s the most incredible feeling anybody can experience.
But the worst feeling ever is knowing that person I suffering and she blames you.
I have tried everything to say what I think…I just can’t explain.
I’m just sorry to all I caused pain, I wanted to help this girl get better, just wish I’d done a better job.