Today

Today’s been another belter.
Everyday I miss a certain someone, but today more so. Due to someone else though, I’m still really annoyed someone’s upset her and even more so someone else is pushing us apart.
But I’m glad she blocked him, good to see we actually stuck up for each other and have the others back that made me smile actually. It is a shame it’s so angered and informal.
But she wrote a blog about exactly what Iv been thinking tonight and watching everyone on social media out having fun, drinking, in couples etc yet I’m off work for a month and I’m about as happy as if I were on death row.
I thought how do people find it so easy they are always having fun always doing stuff, yet I find life alone so difficult but with her life was a breeze, but surely that doesn’t mean I have to have someone to succeed because I’m screwed if that’s the case no one is gonna want me.

I feel kind of in a catch 22, I literally can’t drag myself out of this whole atm. My brain is well and truely switched off Iv not spoken to a single person all day.

Life shouldn’t be like this surely

A response

Why am I blogging again.

i don’t know, but I kinda need to talk to someone but I can’t but I’m guessing she may read this.

i do not want to make you feel guilty in the slightest the more I hurt you the more I hurt myself, I hadn’t realised I’d hurt you so badly, my emotions were I guess crazy, I cant begin to explain or justify it as my brain won’t tell me anything atm.

i agree that this is our problem no one else’s, we know each other better then anyone else does better then ourselves at times too, don’t try and come between us you will not win. I’m starting to wonder if getting back was influenced so much by someone as a sick joke to pick on a couple with issues because all it’s done is destroyed to people and probably ruined my chances of ever having her as part of my life.

people are sick and people are mean, but for all we may not be talking. She’s my soulmate and we have a strong bond, so leave us alone, leave her alone and to aimee, you are not to blame for any of this at all. It was my stupid reaction I know now. You keep your head up you keep smiling and you continue please.

i am so so sorry I let you down 😦

I’m sorry

So time is a healer but I’m getting worse not better.
I haven’t been home since Tuesday, my family aren’t talking to me.
I’m about to buy a new car, literally just to cheer myself up…that is ridiculous I know but I’m so low. Work won’t let me go back to work and are arranging therapy for me, I am honestly fine.
But however I have lost a stone in weight, which to a guy who’s very slim is very bad. I am about to cancel my marathon too 😢 I trained so hard for ages but I just can’t get out of bed let alone run and my body’s so weak il never do it, so this is destroying my mood.
Then unfortunately, there’s a friend of my ex’s who is trying to make sure I’m okay. But unfortunately his making me worse, his telling me about how angry she is at me, how much she hates me, how she never wants to see or hear from me again how she wasn’t bothered about what had happened…now I’m hoping his purpose for this was to explain she’s not being herself but it’s more like his rubbing it in my face.
My heart is completely shattered I didn’t think it could break anymore after the first time, but it has again I feel like his trying to hurt me now, he said the worst statement too…that aimee says I hurt her, this is the worst I feel guilty enough, Iv been racking my brain for the last 24hours as to how I did this, but I can’t work out why. I’m really sorry if you read this I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really didn’t. I just love you.

The pain in which I feel is unbearable, life is a blur, I do literally nothing anymore, I can’t go to work I have no where to live and I don’t get out of bed anymore, this isn’t a life, my brains so numb from aimee that it feels like it’s stopped completely.

I can’t cope with this much longer

What am I doing lol

What am I doing.

So tonight as per every night I’m wide awake. My minds wandering, Iv Googled everything from new jobs, to a job for my ex girlfriend in Newcastle lol to houses, to me wanting by a new car to me booking a holiday for myself for tomorrow…I’m on the verge of doing somit kinda crazy, but I’m sure afterwards I would regret wasting my money Iv worked so hard to save.

I really really miss aimee, would actually offer my right leg to be able to be able to have her back in my world, but people’s advice is driving me nuts, Iv been told everything…people think it’s a fairytale I’m sure it’s not it’s just the Jamie adventures there bloody mental.

So last night, I took my top off walked past the mirror and had to double back…I looked ill I’m so skinny, I hate being slim but I looked awful I can’t share anymore information then that but unlike aimee it makes me sick to look this way, it’s only been a week with no food. But my god I can feel the affects I’m beginning to live something that I can’t believe so today Iv ate everything in sight drunk everything been to the shops to buy more too I can not let myself get into this state.

So I took a picture before I shaved off the mess on my face (trimmed) as it was so long and I thought I would look better…how ever the picture has made me realise the mess I look. A weeks worth of neglect and I look the worst Iv ever looked I was abso shocked it was not what I expected to see, the beard hid the state of me.

 

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Even looking now I’m a total mess. It’s crazy how easily you can destroy yourself, I’m trying to sort everything out now. I’m not talking to my family, I’m feeling so lonely and I feel physically ill all the time but I will eat my way back to health.

But people thanks for the advice but I love her so much I don’t wanna push her even further away. I just have to dream and prey she will one day say hello again. To everyone I will try fix this and to my brain stop thinking crazy thoughts.

Losing it

So Iv just got back from the doctors who is refusing to let me go back to work.
I have two weeks to gain weight or I have to see someone….wtf, this is me I stress I don’t eat but not that bad.
My family hate me, I won’t talk to anyone just because I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. They don’t get it, all they say is how can you get like that over a girl. Then I say you don’t no.
Yesterday I tried doing somthing in my room to which I got called an idiot for off my brother as I’m doing it all wrong, this time I didn’t take it, I snapped went mental infact. Then my mum joined in said I’m ridiculous she knew this would happen and that she wouldn’t stick around, she went to say skinny somthing and I went mental, I seen abso red my brother called her an idiot and me a c word and I launched out my room and punched him so hard. Told him never to talk about her like that and he just laughed in my face…I’m a joke.

Mum said why haven’t you runaway to Newcastle like usual, or has Lisa had enough of you like me and Aimee…this really hurt.

I had blood all over me id fallen over and cut my arm as I looked in the mirror Iv not shaved or showered in a week, I am a joke.

I went for a walk last night and sat on the bench in town for 4 hours frozen.

The only person I wanted to talk to was Aimee no one gets it, I’m not a stalker crazy loon just no one gets me like she does.

I am fine, tbh I’m very calm I think I vented what I needed too.

I regret all my choices and I can’t stop punishing myself I won’t eat or drink but why? And walks at 2200 at night is kinda stupid. This is a mess none of this should be happening.

I don’t have anybody, I wish I could just runaway from all these people. I miss my best friend so much, 3 days I thought I could do anything now I can’t be bothered to do anything. Someone help me.

She’s started cutting her self since last week, I don’t want her too please stop it. None of this is your fault and I don’t blame you one little bit, I just miss you like crazy.

Aimee

What do you do, how do you look at things? How do we know that black is black and white is white? Because people tell us, but what is it really?

Me and Aimee had to breakup as her family don’t like me. This has been caused by multiple errors from us both but family love each other and some can forgive and some just can’t.

 

I have had a whole mixture of feelings towards aimee these last few days, anger, love, sadness, annoyance, jealousy and more. I take people’s opinion of me very personally and hate being described as a bad person when I try so hard maybe to hard at times. She has lashed out an called me controlling and manipulate and it hurt me as I just adore her so i decided I didn’t no what to do, I tried my hardest to put it right to talk to her everything humanly possible but she blocked me on everything in space of hours, I had decided I couldn’t do the 8 months again and thought what do I do, people say about ending it it’s a difficult situation maybe it’s an option, people buy the drink or find the pills or drive to the bridge but I wanted to do it, so I do. Did I want to die? No of course not dying scares me but I wanted out of misery, it could of and should of killed me I shouldn’t be allowed to type this message.

But I didn’t try to kill my self because me an aimee finished, I didn’t want to be painted as a bad person again and really didn’t wanna go through months on heart ache. But it’s not aimee’s fault, she has no responsibility she’s not to blame, she was just apart of the situation.

Right now, I’m making silly choices but I’m not falling apart. I’m missing aimee like crazy but I’m calm. I don’t want to talk with anyone but I don’t want to argue or complain. I don’t want to eat or drink but I know why. I don’t want to put on the tv or PlayStation I don’t wanna hide away from stuff. I don’t want to read a self help book because I don’t need too. I don’t wanna get a quick date to feel better. I don’t wanna cry but I do but I am allowed to cry.
Aimee doesn’t get emotional on line, aimee likes to date to help move on, she doesn’t mention me, maybe blames me a little, she like to paint a smile and not shout about the tears…but it doesn’t mean her heart doesn’t hurt as much as mine it doesn’t mean she doesn’t cry with me and it doesn’t mean she loves me any less, the ability to understand that comes from the connection we share.

But I got to put things right with my girl, I also got to realise that my aimee was infact the one my soulmate it wasn’t fake. I get to realise that we love each other to bits even now I know she loves me, my one is aimee J and I’m lucky that she has that title. But I’m not angry at Aimee, I may cry an even now I’m holding them but I will get to go to my grave very confident that she will love me always like I will her. Some people never get that bond, I will think of her every single day, an il always wish she was my girlfriend, my wife and my baby momma but I will never forget her ever. An I would do the whole 8 months again to be able to be feel so loved, to be able to laugh uncontrollably to be able to smile it hurts to have so much love for someone you go mental with out them. It’s a connection I can’t describe or ever repeat. Meeting someone who makes you wanna be an adult, makes you wanna push your limits and experience every single thing the world has to offer…it’s a good feeling 🙂

I’m not sure what I wanted to happen Friday night, but I still think I would have been happier if it had worked, the pain would have gone and I would have felt free.its very hard to explain.

I’m so sorry to everyone Iv ever hurt for being clumsy, I’m sorry to people I put through my crazy moments and I’m sorry to peoples opinions but I don’t care I will always love Aimee.

But overdosing is dangerous and stupid my body hates me right now I’m
Struggling, it’s not an answer to anything trust me. But I want everyone to know no matter what I do or how I act, I am in fact fine.

But to my friends to my family and to my aimee, if you look in the sky and see an aeroplane, no matter what happens or where I am, I will probably be looking at it then too.

 

Blog

I don’t no what to Blog.

Earlier today I sat and thought 15:00 Sunday, this time last week I nervous, shaking to see her. I had the quickest yet best 2 an half hours. We rekindled our love in a second.

This week, I remain in bed still paying for my mistake Friday my body is very delicate. An I just can’t talk to anyone my mum is getting angry but I don’t wanna talk.

I will go and see my doctor tomorrow and get some help to stop me wanting to punish myself, I feel fine just feel I could do with some help.

I received a call today from someone who I thank so much for helping me see her again, but I can’t let him say anything bad about her. It doesn’t matter what she did, it’s ok. It’s me that should be sorry.