I have to

I lay in bed still and have managed 3 hours sleep all night. My mind going crazy. I woke up and thought I was at her house and then woke up cuddling her blanket she used. I have it real bad 😦 Iv sat and watched videos off us singing and golfing and singing again and can’t quite believe this is happening.
People have suggested she may have had her head turned by someone else, some people saying she just struggling and taking it out on me and someone are just saying she never loved me….me, I can’t say anything because I don’t no anything all I do know is I miss my girlfriend more then I have ever missed anything in my life.

Today I’m home alone as per and Iv dug out a few belts, my heads telling me to tie them together from the banister go find a box to then stand on and while around my kneck, kick the box!!! This feels like I know it would work, I wouldn’t then come home cry and continue with this.

This sounds extreme for a break up, but it’s not just break up, it’s my best friend gone to and it’s the way I’m so evil and this and that, I can’t explain how it feels when you love someone so much 😦

But I can’t take anymore of feeling lost, longing for someone who hates me and just feeling so lonely no one knows how this feels and I can’t do it anymore.

There’s no one around and no one who cares anyway, I have to!

Can’t take another day

I literally can’t take anymore of this not one more second.
I drove to see my ex to ask for my money as I’m skint, but bottled it parked round the corner calmed and then drove off then as I drove off I drove past her, she made out I was monster and was petrified of me, I said I just needed my money I had none and she said she had posted it I said sorry then I drove off park just round the corner and cried.

Why is this happening to me, why? We broke up over nothing, I had done nothing at all but she finished with me because she didn’t believe me. Then I got upset as she said she didn’t love me and I tried to gain time with her to talk her round yet in this evil monster for trying save my relationship and future marriage I tried that all. But now I’m a monster, I am in trouble with the police, I have no contact at all I’m blocked of abso everything again.
It’s making me ill, I can’t eat I can’t sleep I can’t do anything I’m losing my life again.

Yet all I did was try way to hard to save my relationship, I tried everything. The reason I did this was because I believed her when she said she wanted to marry me, I believed her when she said she wouldn’t drop me, I believed everything she told me everything.
If she loves me and it was all true, how can she sit back and punish me like this? I said stuff wrong and apologised many times, the police telling off tho the blocked no communication and saying you hate me and never wanna see me again…that’s not needed surely not if it’s someone you wanna marry?
All this because we were both quiet while I was at work an thought something was wrong with the other, yet it’s me who’s paying the price.

I have just received my money in a cheque which has even spelt my name incorrect my first name, this is the love of my life 😦

I have lost my future wife and quit the job I worked so hard for, I have no one at all no one. She hates me and wants me to suffer.

I love her and miss her so much.

Iv called a support line, but I think I’m going to do something silly tonight, I don’t wanna take tablets incase it doesn’t work. I want this to work, I can not wake up tomorrow I just can’t do another day, I can’t wish this was a dream and can’t dream one person would talk to me that’s all I can’t dream it anymore I can’t be lost any more of devisated I can’t deal with hating myself as I’m horrible I can’t deal with her being scarred of me because I tried I can’t deal with losing my job I don’t care about my new one I don’t care about my family and I don’t have any friends and the one person I care so much about…they don’t care about me.

I intend to use my belt to finish this mess, I promised myself I would never even consider this again but this time Iv lost everything My job, girlfriend and my best friend.

I can’t do another day in this much pain being hated this much…I just can’t!

It’s been made pretty clear I deserve all of this!!

Give up

So I think I’m out of ideas now, I have tried abso everything I’m balancing on the line of getting in trouble I have done everything I can to save my relationship and future marriage.
But like in any relationship it takes two to want something for it to work.
Right now she can’t forgive me and maybe that means we don’t share the same feelings when it comes to our relationship it makes me sad, I can’t explain how much I love her.
Today I helped an old lady out of a car crash, an have been thanked by her family and police…I did nothing there was a crash out side the house just missing my car, but I can’t accept people thanking me when I’m not a nice person i wouldn’t be single and missing someone if I was a good person.

I have to come home tomorrow, I can’t live hidden away anymore. I need to get out of bed I need to eat some food, I’m losing weight quickly, Iv skipped work loads and I don’t get out of bed Iv done nothing…this is a bad way to go.

I held my hands up and apologised more then 10 times lol but if we were truly meant to be and she loved me as much as I do I no nothing would stop us being together.

Maybe it’s time I give inn and stop.

I should be happy today, celebrating a new job celebrating my girl moving in and instead I lay in bed in silence and my girl hates my guts and never wants anything to do with me again…I’m broken.

But this is what I deserve I’m the worst human being ever, I’m no better then my pathetic father…sorry everyone.

I won’t blog anymore

Pubic plea

I want to make a public plea

My name is Jamie Brian Lane and I am sorry I apologise to Aimee my other half who split up with me last week. I was completely and utterly stupid, ridiculous why I think it is acceptable to accuse you of X Y and Z is not on. My reaction love fulled or what ever reason is not what you do to your loved one, I am fully aware of my actions and do not condemn my behaviour in any shape or form.

I do not deserve any type of acceptance from you and maybe don’t deserve forgiveness.

How ever, my love for you is so very strong so very strong, the way we are as a couple is indescribable the bond we have and the relationship we live is like no other the way in which we just fit we interlock we are perfection. But we try to hard, we try to quick and we needed to try a different approach a different tactic, we have the potential to live our dreams and we can if we went back to basics or just lived as a different type of couple for a bit. I know this now, just wish I did last week. This time last week I shared two of the best days of I have had ever with this girl, me an my best friend we are so good, picnic in the park a long walk by the river with an ice cream followed by a stunning dinner she made, then we followed that by a day at the sea side playing silly games and winning prizes with our 2ps then enjoying lunch and playing crazy golf like the crazy couple we are singing and dancing round the course but most of all we began planning our next step she was about to move in to mine half a week to begin her career she was ready to have a key she in my life and now for ever. This is a life I can never recreate with anyone else.

Wednesday last week, I don’t think il ever know properly what happened that day, Miss interpretation of each other’s moods and worrying to much about the other broke us up then what followed was pure stupidity and desperation from a man who didn’t want to lose his perfect girlfriend.

I hold my hands up to my mistake and will get some help to tackle my reaction to bad news what ever I have to do to show I’m willing and sorry.

Right now two people sit alone miles away broken hearted and missing each other so much, in a life that is so short and every day is getting smaller this shouldn’t be the situation we are in.

I plead with you Aimee, to dig down in your heart and don’t throw away your man, his hurting from the loss and more so for his stupidity. His not perfect his an abso idiot tbh his a massive geek and a bit of a loser but his love for you is not fake is not stupid. I just need to sort my reaction out to loss that’s all and wish that as a couple we could do stuff differently.

If you read this Aimee, I want to marry you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you I want to begin a family with you and most of all I wanna share the adventure of life with my best friend.

Please think about it and know I’m here if you change your mind.

I don’t expect to ever see or hear from her again. But I can’t not try when I love her so much.

I’m sorry for everyone for the rather large pubic display of my love, but I’d shout it from the roof tops if I had too.

Giving up

I am ready to just give up on life, right now I am soooooooo lost, I literally can not function with out my other half.

I grew up with no family bond and when I meet a girl at 18 she started to care I didn’t love her but she did a lot for me, I didn’t wanna be with her but didn’t think I would ever find anyone I trusted like her.
An I didn’t for years and then someone has come into my life and blown my expectations out the water, she blew my mind. She looked after me, she made me smile, she built me some confidence, she won over my family and friends as it mattered to her, I feel head over heels and madley in love, people say you know when you know and my god do I know. So much so I would marry her today I’m that crazy about her.

But Iv messed up, I thought I’d lost her for ever so tried everything in my power to gain a few extra seconds with her to try talk to her tell her this is a mistake I tried everything my heart told me and didn’t once listen to my brain.

And now, she hates me again this time it’s real I literally know she will never ever talk to me again no matter how much I dream or hurt. I read this morning that someone thinks she can do better someone who can treat her better and make her even happier, it breaks my heart as I thought I looked after her and made her happy like she did for me, now I’m realising how much of a failure I am, how awful I am how much I deserve to be alone how I deserve this feeling how I don’t deserve her. I called her this morning just to say sorry, I don’t no what else to say but I needed to say sorry. My heart is bleeding right now, my head is empty my life is a complete mess.

Iv never missed anyone as much as I do right now 😦 Iv never wanted anything more then to be able to fix this and Iv never been so gutted in my stupid reaction then this.

I can not and will not ever replace her she is the girl of my dreams my soulmate.

Today is the worst, I miss her so much and today is probably the day I quit my dream job, I have spent 12/13 years working so hard to get to this job and I love I love my job but I have to quit and it hurts…

I write this as I cry my eyes out again, I’m losing everything my life is completely falling apart 😦

Someone please fix it please il do anything:(

3 parts

My ex to me,

She is my Hero, this girl has battled a very serious illness and recovering so well, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be taken away from your life to live in a hospital for 8 months, to have such a large desire to be “Normal” to not being able to swallow any food, to enjoying a 3 course meal together is a memory I will never forget.
I cried while running round the marathon it’s very emotional but all I could think of was that I was running this for her, she literally dragged me round that course, so she’s my hero.

She is the most beautiful girl I have seen, her smile was enough to make me smile. Her ability to make me smile and laugh was infectious. She is so addictive with her personality. She is so loving and caring and for me was just perfection, why would I wanna marry her?

My mistake,

When I thought she didn’t love me, I said some rubbish things and accused her of using me. None of this acceptable and outraged me, I didn’t mean a single word of it though. I was just hurting confused and so tired.
I then reacted stupidly, I showed a character that I’m truly not, it was pure madness and desperation, I tried to think what would win her round or back….when infact I did the opposite. I hate myself so much for it.

My dream,

My dream is to get support to fix my emotional irrationality. I dream she would forgive me, I dream she would let apologise to her that she would still let me marry her and fix this mess.

I’m so lost, I long for her hand …. right now Iv gone for a walk and sit opposite the amusements by the sea and I remember her my beautiful wife to be my heroic girlfriend and my absolute bestest of best friends.

I really wanna fix this 😦

 

sorry for all the blogs, my brains a mess

My response

I am so angry at my self for reaction to losing my ex.
I heard her say she didn’t love me and it blew my mind it made me think she never did like our marriage dreams were all a fake like moving out was all a fake.
My brain went crazy it was tired and stupid, I accused her of using me and it was wrong. I reacted completely stupid all because I genuinely believed she didn’t love me, I battled 9months to get her back I lost lots of friends and battled family to show that she’s my girl I love her and she would fight for us this time and instantly I felt let down like everyone was right.

It’s unacceptable to react that way, but love makes you go crazy literally crazy when the love you have for someone is so strong the strongest feeling you have ever experienced in your life.

I am ashamed and devastated, I apologised to a police man today as I broke down explaining what a mess I made, he advice was to fix it so I don’t do it again. Which I will do, but how do I fix my broken heart? My empty life? My everything.

I miss her so much, my family even miss her and even my friends last night said she will be missed.

Why does life have to be like this?

I want to marry that girl, no one else no one. I wanna fix all the issues to enable me to grow old with her fix the niggles I wanna get it right and we were so close, but I messed up like my heat of the moment words I should have realised her not loving me was the heat of the moment too. But I can’t ever fix it now and beyond gutted.

We should be enjoying days off, going to the pub together, playing scrabble enjoying the sunshine. Getting plans for moving into mine and gearing up for my proposal, which planning had already began.

I am about to get some news I wanna share with her no one else I just wanna hold her hand more then anything right now.

But I can’t and instead Iv gone away, I don’t no if I will return. I can’t sleep or eat because there a whole in my life and it’s missing an incredible smile, a lush smell, some incredible banter, someone special to me and someone I’m so proud of an inspired by.

Right now I’m empty I’m lost and I miss her so much.

 

i hate msging a blocked number to say I miss you 😦