Gone 

So Iv done it properly this time.
I haven’t eatten since Tuesday night last week 6 days and Iv not eatten one meal. 

I’m most certainly not proud.
Iv stopped talking to a girl who was lovely to me, I’m making a million mitakes at both jobs I’m getting lost at job 2 because I’m not paying attention to a sat nav.
I erm…begun to cut my arms, I have to wear a jumper to work now already lol I hate myself!
Basically I hear the guilt and feel it every single second of every single day, I am the reason she is sick every bad blog is my fault she’s in hospital because I didn’t do enough I didn’t try hard enough. Then when she was in hospital it was my fault she didn’t get instantly better all this is my fault.
I don’t deserve to live a normal life, I don’t deserve anything every blog makes me feel awful, I asked work if I could have a lunch hour today to drive to Tesco to by some scissors because I read a blog this morning not aimed at me at all but reading told me “you idiot…look what she has to deal with everyday because your such an idiot” all morning it was in my head…then someone asked how she was getting on and randomly about my older brother and she gave me pitty said I had bad luck, I do NOT deserve pitty I’m the reason this happening…this made me mad at myself. I haven’t had a tough year it’s her that has. 

Iv tried contacting her recently which make me feel even worse, but I’m clutching at any straws to help me get past this…until this guilt has gone I can’t function at all.

What’s triggered this is the marathon, I couldn’t do it last weekend because I was ill however this run was important…. I choose this charity mind because it was my life 2017 had been based around anorexia and mental health my life was this and my partner, I had stood out side the bubble and watch it around my beautiful incredible girl, I watched it make her cry, I watched let her try and die every single day I watched it remove her from her body then destroy her body…the love of my life was wrapped up in front of me bit by bit…every single day I think about it, I think of the support she got and mind meant the world to me. 
With her now hating me so much this run for me was for her it was my way of saying I’m sorry I let you down, mental health is so serious.
But by not running Iv failed again, but this time it’s hit me awfully. I need to tell someone somit else that’s happened that’s the worst thing ever but I can’t talk to anyone because I don’t wanna.
This is slowly becoming the nightmare from hell…I hate myself more then anyone can imagine.   

Can’t take any more

I’m not sure how much more I can take.

It’s got so bad again, I do know why now but I can’t say.

Iv never felt this way before, I feel like someone has put me inside a goldfish bowl I need to speak to Someone but i keep banging on the glass and they hear me but walk away.

I don’t know what to do, it’s destroying me ATM, Iv again stopped eatting, sleeping it’s getting bad.

I had to apologise to a lass yesterday for maybe leading her on, I ended up explains why she can’t be rude about my ex and I end up crying in front of her like wtf how is someone still contuieing to make me feel this way?

I keep getting all my past memories with her up in my stupid head ATM and I don’t even feel like they are real anymore..like they couldn’t have happened.

I see her online dating and it kills me abso destroys me in fact, I read her blogs she’s lonely she wants a relationship 😦 I can’t read it with out my heart sinking.

I think I may have to stop following her.

I don’t get it, I wanna scream “I love you” I care, I miss you…all the above. I don’t want get her back I just wanna be civil, or just a clear the air to help me through anything…she suffering but she has zero idea the suffer I’m going through.
I want this nightmare to end it has to be a dream, I don’t wanna wake up anymore I just want it to stop 😦 
I’m beginning to hate life

:( steps back 

The last couple days have been awful, I don’t understand what’s happened.

Iv taken massive steps back, I’m feeling depressed. Iv got upset twice today 😦 talking about someone.

Just wish I knew what had triggered this but it’s horrible. I’m back to work tomorrow after 12 off and I am dreading it 

😦

I found this quote and it sums up my feelings ATM massively.

Signs = sadness 

I read about signs the other day…. Iv been hit with the same sign all day long, which certainly isn’t helpful.
So today no word of a lie 3 times Iv been asked, “jamie how’s that beautiful girlfriend of yours” from people in 3 different branches… how’s my beautiful girlfriend, well she’s still beautiful but as I accidentally discovered the other day “is seeking a relationship” and she decided to hate me too.
I was out in Newcastle Monday one of my friends didn’t no and didn’t believe me either, he said Facebook and Instagram we looked in love… ” well I was”
Then today a girl who wanted spend my day off with her…. I made cry 🙈 said I couldn’t do it, she said not me “it’s Aimee” I didn’t realise I’d mentioned her much, turns out way too much, she then said somthing unkind about her… and I hung up and won’t reply to her.
Yet I then seen her dating profile and just broke my heart again, it’s the worst feeling ever this time.
Yet no one is Aimee she was literally perfection, I can’t explain it.
I told that lass who was lush in every way people will think I’m crazy, but I told her it made me feel guilty seeing her as I care more about her blogs then this lass, she just wasn’t her 😦
But why does it matter? This girl doesn’t just not care she completely hates me 😦

This is what destroys me!

If I was on fire this girl would probs walk past me and kick me that’s how much she hates me. So why do I care so much 😦
Then tonight I cancel all my plans to stay in, I’m still not feeling great and have a super long day on the road but I flick on sky and what films available 
Sully….. No 🙈 I wanted to watch this with her for ages, she loved winding me up about it all the time lol even called the radio to tell them one hahahaha but I can’t watch it!!! 😦
This memory makes me smile every time, but makes me realise she was just perfect 😦 and makes me miss every single thing about her 😦
I feel sain, but I did think today I wish I was someone getting caught up in these bad attacks I don’t care if I’m no longer here…it’s like there’s no point with her.
Life mann 

Week so far

What have I done…
I’m laughing as I type this because I’m bored of letting things stress me.
How ever I think I’m making a Hugh mistake, I’m massively doing somit I used to 🙈😂 

People would give there right arm to swap places but tbh I’d just let them lol 
On a better note I had a night out at football with my brother who moans like anything lol it did remind me of last time I went footie then came home to her….how ever everything I ever do ATM reminds me of Aimee, makes me smile and frown lol but for a couple hours tonight I just sat watched football in a massive bubble didn’t matter about anything else 🙂 was absolutely lush.
This week has been exhausting I’m mentally and physically drained. I’m sick of digs and all sorts crap, I’m to blame too but I’m fed up of it. 
My intentions are just to be polite not anything else.

I’m not gonna get another life I don’t wanna argue or fall out with someone who means the most in it.
Working my self Into the ground ATM il be home in time for a couple hours sleep before a days driving lol I can’t stop being busy or I’m scarred what it will do to the mind, I miss her more when I’m not busy. 

Now Iv got try make a rubbish excuse for Saturday because I can’t be bothered to go out lol 
This weeks been tough, but two people are on mind ATM one of them is a true true angel I can’t thank her any more for being my best friend she’s a rare one. The other well she hates my guts but I still think about her every single day and pray to god he helps her and gives her the strength and courage to see out that day and to do it as happy as possible. 
Two very different people but never the less both loved very much 
Happy Thursday now lol 

My headache

When two people are so a like, issues don’t always get fixed.
Right now two people who once Upon a time are making each other sad. It seems so simple to just say it’s easy wave goodbye and walk away.

This isn’t easy, maybe it’s more me that making this pro long or even more difficult. But it’s not through choice I can’t help the fact I loved her or that I still care every single second of every single day.

Now I understand I was wrong to say me and my family were used, but we feel that way everyone is entitle to change there feelings or want a new start or what ever it might be. But when you have been through such a traumatic experience together not just as a couple but also a part of each other’s family’s, it would have been better to talk about it. But unfortunately at the time talking should have been done her illness was at it’s worse.

The more it continues the more I didn’t understand I still don’t, to go from loving me one day talking about marriage to never talking to me again…it’s just so extreme and doesn’t make sense.

But now my confusion causes her pain this pain causes more hate and this hate well it hurts me.

But like wise she is aware that her dating hurts me, her telling the world she was never loved before hurts me, saying she msgs people from the past just not me that hurts me.

This is all because I was heart broken confused and upset.

I never imagined she would hold this kinda grudge over me, I imagined what we had been through was more important then my mistake of being upset. 
I know longer live a normal life, this girl affects me everyday in every blog and she knows she’s destroying me. I can’t unfollow her because it would kill me to not know how she’s getting onn.
I don’t want to get back together I don’t know what I want. But for two people who share some incredible memories I don’t care what she thinks ATM we really do, it shouldn’t be like this.
I’m just a guy who’s had his life turned upside down, I’m broken hearted, I’m confused and saddened by it all. This was caused by anorexia not anybody.
I just want the horrible stuff to stop the digs everything. 
I am from the bottom of my heart sorry for everything, I just want this to stop 😢 
This has been the worst experience of my life and I’m not allowed to show it because I have no right as she’s ill. But this is beyound tough not the breakup but the way you wanna punish me 😢 I never did anything wrong but say I feel used.
🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳 the white flags are there I mean no harm I mean no hurt.
I’m just sad for your illness and confused.
Heartbreak is like losing someone to death it’s a grieving process, I have never had to experience this about anyone who’s been so important to me. 

So I’m trying to learn it I really am…I’m just so sorry I’m failing.
I mean no harm..
I am sorry 

Why

Why oh why am I being punished?
I said I felt used and my family do too yet my words cause pain???
But have I not been used, everyone says I have I’m the only one who questions it.
I have done everything I can, but I’m the one causing upset.
What about ME do you remember me, do you think for one minute what I am going through because of you? How can people be pleased with making someone feel this way and it’s because I said I was used. This is not fair at all, there ruining my life they know exactly how much I’m struggling and no exactly how to make me struggle more this is turning into being nasty 😦
I haven’t seen my friends in nearly two year and my night was ruined I couldn’t drink wasn’t interested all because one person….why oh why do I deserve this 😦 
I can’t take it anymore 😦