Give me a break, brain!

At this particular second, my brain is hurting this is being caused by unfortunately an ever reliable friend Anxiety!
So I spent my weekend with someone very very special to me, I let her down massively due to my anxiety and depression a few months ago.
But decided when I realised what was wrong I would not stop till I had conquered it. I remember walking into the GP’s room and just didn’t no what to say how to explain or even say I wanted help. But few tears later I told them and I was signed up to counselling which hmmmm not sure but the worst part and for me the most scariest….tablets.
Maybe one day il tell my journey. But after so many down moments, sad moments, tears, confusion I somehow managed to show this amazing girl I’d made sooo much effort to fix things, she never said she can a difference but I guessed silence is fine when the time of day she was giving me spoke volumes.
All these moments fuel my train which is now moving quicker and away from anxiety and depression, which more to the point has lead to us spending this weekend together.

I am very cautious when I’m around her as to not mess up or upset the moment, it’s important to me she realises I’m never stopping with my effort to fix this it’s all different as I let my self down so bad through her so this is very important to me.

This weekend I tried help her trough some disappointments and succeeded, from Friday night I seen her smile lots and lots and laughter we had lots of fun this mixed with her and me being so stupidly alike…. who walks round a super market with someone goes hang on Iv just thought some thing else for lunch I want and she says il go get them you get the potatoes I had not even said what I wanted but she went and got exactly it…that’s crazy, so basically this weekend was amazing and refreshing from the dark emptiness of depression and loneliness for one weekend I ignored life.
How ever yesterday she woke up a little upset, said our closeness what blurring her mind and that she didn’t want us to be so close…. then changed her mind real fast.

Now I know what ya thinking, how ever I know it’s not she likes me…TBH loving wise she hates me, friendship wise I think she tolerates me, it’s defiantly not the black and white you think.

But that was it she never mentioned it again, we stayed the same way through out the weekend and she was happy.

Yet I can’t get the image erased from my brain I see her tears and just think it’s all my fault I never wanna see her sad or cry especially because of me it’s totally got to me, tonight I asked what was wrong and she said everything… I asked what an I’m one them things, apparently I don’t need to worry Iv done nothing wrong and nothing’s changing between us(the way we are is diff friendship…but all in a good way) which is great I should be happy been a brilliant weekend…. how ever I just can’t stop my brain telling me Iv done wrong, I’m gonna lose her from life, I’m gonna spend all my spare time again back In the dark place, the image of her tears wont go away, it’s all my fault…. why is my brain doing this it’s sure it ruins my weekend, why does this happen?

Sorry this makes zero sense just going with the whole write what my pea (brain) is thinking.

Can never do right 

Don’t really know what I wanna write about yet I wanna write. 
So let’s try and explain, so I have a close friend who is very important to me very I would and do anything I possible can for her.

She stays at mine with me quite a bit ATM, this morning she cried and said to me she felt were acting more then friends and was confusing her (I didn’t think she liked me…. in fact I thought the opposite) how ever she’s happy when we are together and we’re both single and not doing anything wrong, so why cry.

She got let down by a friend for tonight and she got all depressed and just sat in the coffee shop and starred into space.

Yet I tried and tried and tried to help but it just didn’t work it wasn’t me she wanted to be around so she quickly escaped to get away from me, I did how ever tell her to come see me later so she’s not alone I wanna make sure she’s okay, she said yes hesitantly I knew that meant no but don’t wanna say it.
She has been out on a date with this guy a couple of times, who was only interested in her for one thing and is selective when he can be bothered yet even with his terrible attitude, he has all her attention and if we asked to her tonight she would be there or probably will be anyway.
I just feel like I try so hard yet everything I do is incorrect, I go out my way to make sure I do correctly and bend over backwards to be there. But it’s clear il never be special but the way it makes you feel when you know when someone acts like a a******e and is a stranger compared to you is far more important and clearly can’t do anything wrong.
You start questioning what you do wrong and how you can be so useless at everything…clearly, why can’t I be the first thought not a chore! Thoughts running around….quick way to get confused and fed up and now you realise il have deal with it on my own.

It’s not being a mug….it’s keeping a promise 

So over the past few months Iv had some massive struggles but one massive struggle is watching someone else struggle.
So someone important has been struggling all her life building upto her mood at present and over the last 10 years had experienced a roller coaster of emotions good times bad times and the worst times but some how she keeps going and I commend that strength and bravery I’m not sure I could do it.

Food…. we all eat food, breakfast, dinner,lunch, supper, snacks throughout the day it’s nothing and a pleasure to you and me, how ever for some people food is a devil it plays with your mind the image that is seen in the mirror is the total different to what really is standing there, a restaurant can be scary, your heart pumping, sweaty palms, thoughts running through your head, when the most important thing on the menu becomes the calorie count not the sickly ingredients in the Sunday ice cream or the size of the steak or the amount of animals in a mix grill (sorry veggies) calories rules your choice and ruins your night.

Shopping becomes a task a weekly shop contains a few tins, bit salad, a yogurt for a treat and that’s about it (apart from sweets of course) but the shop is a very well drilled mission all food is check for fat contents and all sorts (I’m not too sure) but while I wheel around the isles pushing an empty trolley I wounder do I look stupid swinging around and crashing the trolley or the fact two of us participate in pushing a trolley with no food hmmmm.
So selection of food is not a quick mission, how ever the thought of food and needing to lose it out the back door shall we say is very important. Terrible phrase never again. 
How ever laxatives have become a part of every day life for her, this is my down side I struggle to watch the pain she is inn in the middle of the night, the pain she tells me about all day, the Hugh need to go to the toilet no body should be poping pills and drinks syrup stuff (I’m technical I know) the mess these so called drugs have on her body breaks my heart she knows that.

She tries so hard but thoughts are to powerful when you are so weak.
This evening she told how much she weighed and the number is incomprehensible it is scary, she lives at home in a loving home with food not in a poor country.
The happiness in her voice though when she does take a pill or survives a day with out food… destroys me I hear that voice when I close my eyes, it beyound sad.
This girl was once apart of my life in a big way, don’t get me wrong I don’t recognise her serial dating, making mistakes and repeating daily sometimes. An il be honest she will read this bit…. she knows too she has not treat me very well over time and is lucky I guess (sounds so big headed)

How ever

This the important part, once upon I told this young lady I loved her and she one day would be my wife, but when I said that I made a promise to who ever was above that you gave this opportunity I would re pay you by sticking by this girl…

I am stupid and an idiot at times not bad bad may I add but I lost what I had and I miss my old life soooo bad, but made someone a promise and that I would repay them for my little happiness by making sure this incredible girl always has me not matter what. When people say “I love you” they hardly mean it but one day when you do,  your know why I do what I do.

People call me a mug say I’m silly your being used I feel a mug sometimes, how ever no body ever experiences a bond two people have, supporting her is important to me but it’s painful to sit back and watch her life change when I know the little girl inside is screaming for me…I just know.
So to people who say I love you to someone…. think will you still love them when they hate you? Will you still love them when they are no longer them self, will you support them in something you hate….if you can, then cherish your moments! Don’t regret like I do and most all stick by them.
Don’t judge a smile as there is so much going on inside.
Ps this to show I understand I listen and always pay attention, may not like it but I support it as it’s your choice.

My Loneliness 

Loneliness to me is not sitting in the corner on your own or hiding away from the world, it’s about feeling as though the world has been put on fast forward and everything and everyone is rushing around but because your not fast enough you don’t see it properly no body stops, everyone just continues there journey, best you can pray for is someone trips over you, but even then you have to apologise.

So having a massive group of friends spread over the country sounds great how can you be lonely right? Social media people make you seem like a ledgend they look up at your achievements they like your posts they tell you how much they miss you and remind of good times…

But why just good times?Who’s there when I come home at night after a bad day at work? Who thinks on xmas day oh I must say happy xmas to them? Who thinks il go out of my way to check how there doing? 

I lay in bed recently and smelt the perfume of a special young lady in life, yet I lay an smelt it and think about her then I think about my friends and I pray she would be there holding my hand or my friends calling to say hi, I also think of everything Iv done recently and realise I made all them occasions happen no one actually went out there way for me….. but it happens and you realise to everyone your just a option or a back up your not actually a selection anybody has made…. but they appreciate you being a MUG.
Iv also learnt that being nice doesn’t pay, you go out your way to make someone feel special do anything and everything to make there day…yet your not important you a time passer, a moment, your not special…yet your loneliness tells you it’s okay this is all you have, deal with it.
So I remain like an ant in a desert there’s nothing around, nothing, no one, if cry no one sees it, if I scream no one hears, if I ask for help no one cares, but if I make a mistake everyone hears, this makes me wonder what’s the point?
Do I really have to continue? No one would care… no one would notice 

To hate your self…

So I lost my now ex girlfriend due to depression and anxiety the worries I was feeling were making my mind say all the wrong things and at the incorrect times, I couldn’t control the words and thoughts.
I would show a reaction to a scenario which I didn’t wanna show at all and look and think why did you say that and I would get angry but at me…how can you be angry at yourself? Once you hit this point you hate that person, your anger towards them is so strong ya see them in the mirror and hate the image you see, you see there Image and posts on social media and think I never wanna be like them, you think to yourself some people don’t deserve the luck they get…..then the worst part of it all you realise the person you are thinking of, it’s you!!!
Then when you realise it’s you who you hate and who you are, you hit the depression stage, how do you destroy you??? Death.

I think when I hear of a suicide of the bravery of someone not the selfishness, I envy the courage it took them to do it. 

I want to be able to do, the confidence to be able to do it…..heights scare me, why? Because an open space looking down, I know I would lean to far forward and fall so to die scares me yet wanting to die excites me? I can’t understand that apart from shows how insanely idiotic I am.
I would wanna tell my loved one or two how much I love them and writing a suicide note or a hundred as it seems doesn’t worry me but why haven’t I the balls to do it??? I pray one day il be like oh…I did do it.

I drive home in the rain and don’t slow down praying I end up in a tree or that lorry who’s tyre goes let it hit me, don’t see me and crush my car.

Then that way I wouldn’t have to deal with the only person I hate in the whole wide world. 
Recently people’s “banter” or persons banter is aimed at how stupid I am, yeah I have a clever job but me I’m a failure I’m stupid I do stupid things clumsy things, today I drove down the wrong road as I ignored the sat nav then lost my pen again and dropped my drink over me yeah may seem funny but it really angers me makes me hate me even more for being useless.
So this year it’s the aim to move out….that’s it but this year should be moving out with my partner and was supposed to be the year I get engaged to her too (me little old me finding a wife) feels weird.

How ever it’s not the case due to me being me I lost all that, my biggest dream in the world a girl who was not perfect but she’s perfection and was perfect for me, something I have never experienced someone making me smile all the time not breaking my heart, being her friend is okay because I don’t want her to be with him (me) because she’s better then him and he deserves everything he gets.
So I sit here tonight and think why, what’s the point….when all I want is a rewind so I could live my dream a little longer. If not the stop button because I don’t wanna watch any more of the episode of ME it is awful and destroying me… No one can ever hate anyone the way I hate me, but I’m happy I feel this way too because everything that happens to me is what I deserve.