So I shouldn’t be using social media ATM but still.
I started getting frustrated at myself, I’m so angry ATM so angry at myself, I am carrying so much guilt I have punished my mind and punished my body. So much so I look at myself in the mirror and wonder as to why I would do that to anyone even if it is myself, Iv made myself ill…just not sure why.
I look at my recent mistakes and I don’t really blame him as much as he does, trying to grieve from the loss of a relationship is brutal at times and the main factor behind it being a serious illness makes it even more difficult. 
But not wanting to let go was wrong, especially when your partner is so sick. I tried everything just to be able to talk to defend myself, I went over an over it in my head to discover what I did wrong I had changed so we could work but I couldn’t understand it, yet the reason was because I hadn’t done anything for once…this awful illness had grabbed her and for all I was trying to help sometimes being to emotionally attached and caring to hard builds pressure on someone to get better and mix the pressure with depression and anxiety it was too much and not fair.
I was selfish in my response, but it’s just love. Iv never been in Love before and I didn’t wanna lose that feeling. She still loved me until I pushed it and pushed it, deep down I know she still loves me I know she meant every word of it…I share the best moments of my life with this girl if she all a sudden didn’t love me it meant all our memories were a lie…but I know it’s not the case, she’s the first girl I ever imagined the rest of my life with, we been through more then any other couple should but the anorexia pushed us to the limit when it was at it’s worst. It’s such a shame as I adore her.. but loving is also about letting go too.

I will never forget our journey I will never forget the amazing memories, but I can’t make someone want to be with me.
Anorexia won this battle, but I pray everyday that one of my angels up there looks down and protects her and helps her get better gives her the inner strength she needs to fight, I pray they do this for a girl who may have made me sad recently but she also made me the happiest Iv ever felt in my life.
I think about her every second of every day, I won’t ever stop loving her…but I want her healthy and happy, I respect she doesn’t want it with me.
Just need to begin to stop punishing myself I shouldn’t keep damaging myself, just wish there was anything or anyone who could make this feeling go away.
I’m not crazy, im an idiot but I’m crazy. 

Why?

What the hell has happened…Iv just woken up, Iv read an email from my boss one of captains has sent an email inn to thank me for doing an incredible job while we were in Argentina…it’s made me cry. 

I’m not incredible at all, I write this while cuddling my pillow and crying my eyes out 😢

Life has got out of control, I hate it so much I hate me so much. Iv lost everything I lay here and realise I lost my girlfriend someone I adored, she’s so poorly as well 😢 it’s all my fault. She wants to hurt herself and it’s because of me it’s all because of me…but I just loved her 😢 her family now hate me too, I didn’t want this I just wanted my girlfriend who I thought I’d marry one day… but there right I’m killing her, why would I do that??
I can’t get these words out of my head, I can’t stop hating myself. 

Why? Why? Why? Why? 😢😢😢

I can’t eat anymore I just don’t want to I wanna make myself suffer, but it’s getting bad 😢 I haven’t eatten a meal since I was in Norwich 3 weeks ago, I started hiding my dinner in the bin in my room, I ordered a pizza with everyone at work last night as I didn’t wanna look stupid I only had one peace and brought rest home and now I need throw it in the bin before anyone sees….read that back…wtf am I doing???? 

I can’t sleep anymore, I don’t do anything but get upset. I went out a couple nights ago and I hated it, I couldn’t touch any alcohol.

But I can’t deal with reading someone tell me how amazing I am, maybe I’m okay at my job but I’m the least amazing person your ever meet, Iv destroyed someone’s life and I can’t stop this now…why can’t I stop hating myself 😢😢

It’s all my fault 

My blogs aren’t meant to show blame, I don’t blame anyone accept the ilness for this nobody. I don’t understand the choices but I can’t blame the individual I never will. There are so many unanswered questions but I guess il just have to live with it. Iv received some very inappropriate criticism but again that not from the individual.

I don’t want this to cause pain I most certainly don’t want read people wanna punish them self. This is a fucked up situstion that has got completly out of hand, everyone is trying to help but they are making our situation worse.

But now I can’t stop blaming myself, I can’t get the words of blame out of my head, I can’t eat, sleep or concentrate on anything as I’m made to feel I’m responsible I can’t get out of my head I’m the reason she draws blood, it makes me physically sick literally. I thought I’d done the best by her all these months but like I keep telling everyone Its all my fault she’s not well 😦
I’ve never felt so awful in my life!!! I hate myself so much!

I am confusing 

So as today is the beginning of a fresh for me I wanted to talk about  something totally random I wanna explain me,

So yesterday I was studying and holding a training course… this is my geeky knowledge.

Aircraft as we are fully aware are powered from air, air ignites with the fuel and produces power to turn to turbine. The air is produced by In takes of air Into the aircraft but the power to make the computers work onboard is powered by air.

The aircraft has its own APU which is the power for the aircraft on the ground, this produces enough air to reach one of the packs which powers the instruments. The APU is used when no engines are on to provide the air, but the APU also provides the air to start the engines which then provide the power for the aircraft. Am APU isn’t used inflight as engines produce the power it’s not needed and a waste of fuel. If an APU doesn’t work on the ground a ground power unit provides power to the aircraft, to start the engines an AIr start unit is required this produces the air which helps ignite the engines the engines then power the aircraft so the ground power unit isn’t needed the engine started then flows air to the other engine to help start it.
Now I have learnt this and am still learning…..but how can I not simply just not text a girl? I’m a thick? Nooo I’m not it’s love and I’m a daft idiot. 

I read this really good quote just now…
“People are blindly ignoreing: you can’t have a victory until you close your current battle (by accepting defeat if need be)

So I pre warn please stop following my blog if you must, but I will be blogging over the next few weeks as I begin an intensive program this week I have 12 days of hardcore change, Iv been granted leave so it’s time to get myself back this is the best way to do it. I will no longer be this evil person people keep telling me I am!!!

Gone to far

This has gone to far….
So I have been told I shouldn’t blog, I will be sued for expressing my inner thoughts.blogging is to be able express what you think and how you feel your are encouraged to speak out loud but I’m told I can’t can’t say what I think.

My posts are about my life my situation nothing is aimed at anyone at all. It’s what helps me.

But I am to blame for all this, my words are killing people, my confusion my being lost is me causing trouble.

There a situation here that has got so far out of hand it untrue, it kinda turned my life upside down…but again it’s my fault. The situation is I mess up, I’m jamie I mess up I’m human I hold my hands up I’m far from perfect I mess up, I have spent my life the last four months helping a mentally ill person because I loved them, it affects you my whole life changed over night everything changed this was no ones fault it’s life I choose to be part of it. But it put me on edge I didn’t want this person to die, I wanted to do all in my power to help them and that I did. My friends told me last night I shouldn’t not be ashamed I should be proud of what I did not many would… an no one else was willing too. 

But I did everything I could, but I don’t feel proud, I’m sad I’m told I’m killing her now I’m stopping recovery…. because of hurt, confusion, sadness. I told my friends last night I no longer care about life Iv thought before some stupid stuff but I literally don’t care anymore, I haven’t eatten a meal in coming up for 3 weeks I got told I’m looking ill but ya not what I’m pleased I wanna punish myself, people txing me an having a go at me agree with it all, so I wanna punish more. 

My words aren’t angry at people, it’s confusion. Our brain consists of questions and when stuff isn’t answered you make the answers….but we shouldn’t be punished for this.

This whole situation has got out of hand and made so much more then needed to be.

I am blogging because i neee to!

Upset

So I’m upset.

I have blocked out of her life because I tried to hard to talk to her, she finished with me after getting very ill and wouldn’t talk to me about it wouldn’t explain anything or answer my questions.

After 4 months of me running around to help her she does this, she literally has nothing to say to me yet when I say she has used me…I’m wrong because it made her cry but infact it’s just the truth it’s so clear for everyone to see. She used me an my family to help her get better then all a sudden hates us all an owes no one an explaintion.

Then to top it off while I’m struggling enough about it her family tx me and tell me it’s my fault, the ilness and her recovery is my fault, so guilt trip someone else into her ilness is bang out of line.

It wasn’t my fault when I stopped her from diing it wasn’t my fault when I helped get her to there wedding it wasn’t my fault when she needed a roof, that’s not fair.

I have been messed around by people all my life so I’m not surprised at all, but this girl I thought was different I believed every word she told me, i believed every dream she told me, but she just used me for my good nature if not this wouldn’t be happening even if she didn’t wanna be with me a nice person would have valued all Iv done and at least given me an opportunity to answer some of my unanswered questions.

Why are people so evil? Yet make you out to be the bad person? This is a new even for me, I feel sick!!!

What I miss 

So love…
To love someone is not to have a Facebook status or a trophy on your arm. The love I know is smiles, smiles so big your cheeks hurt, the excitement for the next min, hour, day to be able to spend more time with your loved one, the endless amount of plans you make for the remainder of life, the tears of laughter the comfort of there body… so much I can’t even begin to describe it all. 

My partner got ill very ill and she couldn’t deal with anyone or a relationship and Iv struggled so bad, I lay at home I miss her laugh I miss her cuddles I miss her smell, I miss her strange noises in her sleep the waking up next to her an just smiling because your loved one is in your arms or next to you. I miss her stuff all over the place her clothes everywhere, her bugging me coz she never sleeps I miss every single thing about her but I miss her being my best friend laughing at each other picking on one an other, singing to each other in the car me telling her she sounds like a football fan, I miss singing kids program theme tunes, us baking cakes me pretending I’m good but being awful, is exploring sea sides country walks, us talking about life the world, us crashing the trolley in the supermarket, or spending loss of money on coffee… but most off all I miss her love I miss my girlfriend my soulmate my partner in crime and my best friend….I miss you batman 😦