Omg this is killing me 😦

i can’t do anything but read and prey.

This is bloody A***** and I can’t do anything. A couple weeks ago we would be together now I can’t even help I physically can’t do a thing.

i just don’t want her to hurt herself 😦

i wish she would talk to me 😦

 

this is beyound carzy

I hate this

I can’t explain the pain I get from reading the mess my partner is Inn.
She is falling apart and it’s killing me to read.
I shouldn’t be bothered after everything Iv been put through recently but I’m sick of all the s**t, I don’t care I’m going to court I’m not gonna deny anything I am in the wrong I shouldn’t have text her and I will take what’s coming.

But right now I dream to be able to give her a cuddle, this was my girl jesus today is our anniversary. This shouldn’t be happening at all. I’m just devastated to read it.

But I can’t msg her and I can’t go to her home town or I will break my bail conditions, this is just a huge mess.

We should be drinking champagne tonight to celebrate, instead she alone getting drunk in a state and I’m in bed already.

I just wish I could talk to her or see her 😦

I love to bits and this is just awful

Sad

Today is so hard for me combinded with watching the royal wedding, I wanted that so bad.

 

but I have taken the hint now, today means nothing to my ex partner and she craves attention from anyone but me, when all I think of is her.

everyone keeps telling me she is choosing this and that I need to let go, she is the girl of my dreams but is making it clear she hates me very much.

 

looks like that date today is only special to me, my life is shattered.

 

but she’s happy and I always said to her as long as she was happy that’s all that matters and I guess this is true

May 19th

Today is a very hard day for me, May 19th was the day I meet my ex partner she was a dream come true.
Everything I had ever dreamed of and more was there, she even offered more then I can ever dream of.

I didn’t realise it quite as possible to love another human being that much and I didn’t realise how special it is to love your best friend and soulmates do exist as she was definitely mine.

Right now we are apart and shouldn’t be, we maybe wouldn’t be had I accepted it but I didn’t because I didn’t wanna lose her.
Today we should be celebrating this week should have been life changing for us both as a couple, but today I sit alone thinking of her wishing this wasn’t happening. Wasting a day as I don’t have her to enjoy it with.
I wanna say f**k it let’s fix this right now stop feeling sad and move on and be together, I wanna apologise till I lose my voice as I know Iv done wrong but I can’t il end up in prison and today I planned for her to be woken up by two red roses to show that it’s been the worth everything to be with such a special girl. But I can’t do that either.

But it’s heart breaking that we are apart when we don’t want to be and I can’t do anything about it. Iv lost her for ever.

For what it’s worth I am sorry, I messed up and am paying the price with the police. Falling in love is scary, your whole life to one person is scary giving your heart your feelings to someone else ya brave.
So losing that bond losing love was even more scary. An I didn’t no what to do I didn’t react correctly and did think straight. I was hurting from everything and trying to work out why.

But now I have lost the one person I actually truly loved in this world for what…my inability to give up, I am gutted ashamed of myself and sad. Not so long ago we were the happiest couple I know right now we are the saddest and missing each other.

Today sucks and I’m sad so sad, I wish she would forgive me, I love her so much.

May 19th …should have been

So I never thought I would be writing this blog but all day Iv wondered weather or not to be honest with the world, as it is on my mind I am going to share and I’m not sure my partner doesn’t read.

So today is the 18th of May, on the 19th of May 2 years ago I adventured on the scary thought of a blind date, how ever the twist was this date turned out to be the most incredible woman I had ever meet. I instantly feel in love with her.

Two years on a we have rode a rollercoaster, but some of best moments of my life. We had only been back together a couple of month but this time I believed it was true believed it was real.

So tomorrow was planned to be our 2 years celebration, it was planned to be in our favourite hotel in one of our favourite city’s a city that had been a major part of our life’s for the right and wrong reasons.

How ever this was going to be different, I had planned in my head that during this week I would be visiting her father and asking for his acceptance to marry his daughter, it was gonna be crazy but it was my way to show her an the world we was serious.

I had borrowed some money and was prepared. I had emailed the hotel to see if I could possible set it up so that one the evening a different bedroom to ours would be pitch black and lit up with tea light candles in the shape of a heart I had written a poem….

 

19th of May is a very special day,
Which why I have whisked you away.

We been through much some not great,
Even our first day I turned up late.
There was and is something about you
When with out you, I don’t no what to do.
You make me smile and make me happy,
I don’t even care if your mad and snappy.
We laugh so much and have great fun
I’m the moon and your my sun.

We seem to just fit and meant to be
I want life to be with you and some sea
When we hold hands it just seems to fit
Il even hold ya hand after ya had a s**t

I hope that made you smile
Time to hold that for a while.
Because about to hurt my knee
And I probably need a wee
But if you look at me right now
I hope you will remember this day
As there something I really wanna say

It’s kinda crazy but feels so right to do,

Aimee my princess, I want to marry you

….

 

 

Yeah it was crazy but I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.

This weekend should have been so different. I don’t no why I want to share it but maybe if I say it on paper it will exit my thoughts.

This is such a hugh mess, today I have been trying to sort a solicitor out for court which is just nuts.

But for all this mess I actually love her to absolute peaces, no one can control who they fall in love with. I just wish maybe we had seeked some help to help us succeed.

I still wanna marry her, but I have faced reality that this time I really let her down.

Today is a sad day. Tomorrow will be tough.

Dreams

When do all the dreams stop?

I had a really bad nights sleep, my dreams won’t stop I guess it’s my mind that doesn’t want to switch off.
My dreams feel so real, so much so that I wake up every time.
Atm my dreams are mixed last night my dreams varied from me thinking I was asleep in a police cell to me expecting the front door to go an Aimee standing there.
But they seem so real, part me wanted check the door lol
Another full day at home alone today, how I wish for sitting in the garden having breakfast with my partner to plan our day and enjoy the sunshine, instead I have no plans.

Life should be so different and we both want the same life, just incredible how we aren’t.

This can’t continue

I was told earlier, not long and this will all be over just hang in there. Everything keeps saying there so sorry I don’t deserve this or I don’t understand why../

Well NO, okay it’s happened. I can’t change it and the blame is at no ones door but my own. I will have to take my punishment for what it is like a man.
For what ever my reason was I knew I wasn’t allowed too. Neither of me or my partner deserves all this absolute caos now. We have gone from a incredible and happy couple to strangers and miserable but it’s a mixture of us both and some really rubbish situations and issues in our life’s it’s a shame we have missed out the good stuff the other side and our life’s should be so so so different.

I said how can she love me and so many others are telling me now you can see she doesn’t love you, how ever I sat in my cell last night and thought about everything, I know she loves me even now which is why this caos is so hard and so painful.

But it is what it is, right now I’m gutted and hurt every second of every single day, but when you love someone you have to appreciate them too, if she doesn’t wanna be with me then I can’t do anything…I’m most certainly tried. No matter how much of my own life Iv messed up, I won’t ever say to my self Jamie you didn’t try.

But right now it is important I get up, I start trying to live a life and start challenging myself. I must eat, I must socialise, I must care about myself and I must beat this feeling.
I am off work till Sunday and I know Saturday is going to hurt but I have to get up and beat this now.

The positive from last night, it was traumatic and just plain awful, I may be about to lose my dreams my girlfriend my career everything over texting but my god I will listen to my brain in the future and being at complete rock bottom….life can’t get any worse so tomorrow is going to be a better day pretty much sure of it!!

My love and feelings will never change because they are so true, but everything else has to change, this can’t continue.