This is becoming to difficult for me to do anymore.
I feel like I’m going to have to move away, I can’t be this close to someone who I love so much and listen to how hard she is finding life, yet I can’t do anything I can’t even text to say I hope your okay.
I have to read everything, I had to read the pain the hardship I feel every part of that pain, I hurt when she smashes into the wall, my heart races when the tablets and alcohol are talked about, I’m on 4 days off now and all I wanna do is go see her make sure she’s okay, tell her to keep strong.
But I can’t, I can’t do anything but sit back and read all about it, Miss her everyday so much atm I long to hear her voice, dream of seeing her face but I’m not brave enough anymore to take a risk with her, I know she will hate me for anything I do she hates me for just existing atm and it’s heartbreaking.
I’m not sure I can remain so close for much longer she’s not been home 7 days yet and the torture to be so close but so far is tearing me apart.
I never imagined that when I looked her in the eyes and told her I loved her, I would mean so little to her so soon.
Why does this stuff keep happening.
So Tuesday night at work was crazy didn’t think I’d experience a shift like that again.
Then yesterday after sleeping all day, I read her blog as I got to work and my heart sank…I have too read her struggling, I read her upset, down, depressed and wanting to die.
I read she was at the pub alone, crying armed with some tablets to kill herself that her blog was a cry for help….I still have no idea if she has done anything.
I called her she ignored then I think reblocked me again…had i not been at work would I have gone to see she was okay??? I would have wanted to but she would have gone crazy at me! I don’t why I’m being punished so much Iv done my time why can’t she just become my friend at least because this situation is now just awful I wanna be there for someone I adore but she can’t stand me and I just have to read the mess she’s in.
Then tonight at work one of my crew called me as he was having a heart attack in Atlanta, I called his wife to tell her he has been rushed to hospital while at work my shift had been abso mental again trying to sort the Caos aviation brings, I’m so tired Iv not slept much in days and it’s catching up with me.
But im feeling so helpless in so much atm I wanna be able to help her so bad 😦
Iv said I’m sorry, why cant she let me inn!
So my delightful brother has been msging my friend online, a dating site and not thinking she would tell me.
How ever she has, she also told me not to go mad but sent me screen shots of the conversation…she explained not to go mad.
So she explained a conversation we had had about my ex, an he went on about how we were bad because we were cocky together and would take the mick etc etc.
To be honest this made me laugh and smile not go mad, together we were confident we weren’t horrible we were honest we did banter like no one would lol but we got each other so much, this really has made me smile.
She would stick up for me and not feel sorry for him like he wants.
Starting to learn not to trust anyone even family are plotting behind ya back, think that’s annoyed me more then him being horrible or should I say jealous of what we had is just petty!!
It’s been a funny few days I’m missing her lots, but it’s cool. I’m pleased she’s home wish I could be of some support but none the less it’s all good 🙂
Just wanted share a smile from a memory
Today been a long old day. Work has been kinda busy, I’m training a new guy who know so not to stressful….however.
Iv been contacted a couple of times by someone I used to work with, and it’s 80% likely his starting a company back up north in a field I know way too well.
Initially when he had said about it, it wasn’t for me…but then today when I wrote I miss you to my ex on one of her blog posts it got me thinking, is this really what I want? Yeah maybe I’m not after her love but all this effort just to be mates? Like why am I doing this to myself? I’m torturing myself…it’s clear it’s obvious, I’m being ridiculous.
I’m coming round to fact that finishing on a high from Essex is most probably a better way then it get worse, I lived my dream and I have over come my fear of Essex. Maybe before I begin to hate it or people in it, I’d be better of with a brand new fresh start, maybe that’s the best thing for me maybe it’s the only thing.
But I need to take the hint….maybe it’s time
Big black clouds came over my world they took away everything I had, my dreams, my heart and my life.
There are moments that breaks in them clouds let the sunshine shine through, this makes everything seem better but it just hides the fact the clouds are there and there full of a massive variety of weather phenomenons.
No body seen the hurt I feel, no body sees the spinning of my brain or the screams for help in my head.
The loneliness is awful, at night the silence is so noisy I hear my ex girlfriends voice, I hear her laughter. Then the black in the room becomes bright as memories fly around the room and while this all happens your heart sinks and the tears become real.
As I’m not in hospital and not diagnosed with anything I’m not entitle to hurt, I’m not allowed to struggle and I’m not allowed to care.
I was blamed for the mood swings, I was blamed even for the illness and also blamed for slowing recovery, but this wasn’t meant it was pain it was hurt it was love, but this is totally acceptable by family and friends, but not by me.
The love you have and believe makes you fight not because your crazy, evil, toxic or any other words…it’s because like no one else has before your not giving up on someone because you love them, but the feeling you get when ya told it’s making them worse your making them cry.
You become a stranger, strangers become best friends and your still just a name a blame and someone that’s used to release inner thoughts.
You sit from a far and you worry, you sweat at suicide story’s you shake at reading sectioning threats, but as the lights go out and the tears become real your love means nothing your tears don’t care and your name is still in lights, but as an evil person.
Blood pours from your arm, tablets fizz in your drink, driving and crying suicide sets inn, why? Why be selfish? Why be selfless?
No one knows what we fill inside, no one knows what words mean to you, all the blaming blogs how words and sentences here and there affect the most… yet for all this you continue to smile at progress you feel there smile and you hear their tears and feel them against your skin, then as you prey for someone to help them you wake up to your name in lights again.
You want to scream you want to cry but you just continue because you can’t stop loving and it would be so much easier if the feelings wasn’t so special.
You continue under the clouds, while hers show sunshine you have to sit back and be no part of the world you once lived inn.
Your show your proudness and try to be nice but again you names in lights your the problem.
While you sit at home in the dark in a room where ya have put the birthday card with the Christmas card, the pain is no better then tears won’t stop but I don’t matter because I’m not in hospital.
Gratitude is not required, you know you did a great job, you know you played as massive part in helping someone, but someone to you is your soulmate someone to them is someone they hate…an your name is evil.
I don’t blame, her I don’t blame the family, I don’t blame the hospitals or workers….I blame anorexia and I blame myself.
I sit here and feel the power of thunderstorms atm as my world is struggling to cope with sheer strength of this storm.
But I don’t matter…so it’s fine!
This whole weeks been horrible.
Today is also tough to take onboard, her picture made me so proud and so sad at the same time.
My best friend did me a favour, sent a msg telling her I’m proud of her that’s all.
I began this journey with her I’m gonna be proud.
Yet it was wrong, I’m still hated, I’m still nothing.
I thought I was being nice 😦
I don’t understand why there is so much hate towards me, my terrible day has just got worse I’m in bed just can’t bothered and have been in this mood all week 😦
Why can’t I be treat like everyone else 😦
So it’s a double edged sward.
I was right, but why couldn’t I have been right 6/7months ago.
My ex partner said we were the problem that just argued and were bad, I knew that wasn’t the case.
But trying explain that was a losing battle, today she’s been told she has a personality disorder this is something that really became clear during her time at hospital 1 for me, id not recognise the girl who would flip one second and be loving the next. Out last argument she flipped over nothing then was fine. It all makes a lot of sense.
But it doesn’t mean anything, again it’s just an answer an explanation, it’s not gonna fix anything.
I can’t explain how much I miss her atm, I can’t tell you how much I want cuddle her and talk to her, I can’t explain how much I wanna say the words I love you to her.
She’s coming home and I’m gonna read an watch her start a new relationship I know it and I’m gonna be still here wish anorexia and all the other illnesses she caught had not ruined the best thing to happen to us both.
This time round was real, I can’t stop thinking about what should has been, we should be moving out this year, planning our wedding thinking about a family moving on with our life’s together…I drove home today and should have been driving home to see my fiancé but instead I see my ex girlfriend online dating trying to replace me.
It’s been a really tough week this week.
I really miss her!