2017 so far

so I have made a monumental school boy error lol But never mind I am human we are all going to make them.

So I spent such a long time feeling glum, down and blogging about my past. I would read her blogs and get upset she would not or maybe did realise how broken hearted she made me feel every day and I would bite.

She asked me if I loved her to never msg her again and iv stuck to it, I adore this girl and its what I have to do.

Life has changed so much for each other in last 4 month its been awful and crazy but its life. 4 months ago in 3 days I was with her talking about marriage now we don’t talk iv not seen her in months and everyone else in the whole world is more important then me to her, but I guess I have learnt the valuable lesson that I never held the value to her that she held to me.

How ever this isn’t about bringing up the past, life made this happen you deal with it, I wont lie its a part of my life that caused me the most pain how ever she is also so someone I will never forget for all the bad that is plastered all over and for the devil I am described as we hold some of the most incredible memories just its easier to remember failure instead of success. I have a lot to focus on and some words from her a little while back have stuck in my mind and have really helped me make life choices.

 

Its been the worst year of my life I do anything in the world to change stuff but it is what it is, sick of acting out of character I am a much better person then that trust me I am showing it again sick of “wallowing”.

I wish that she would get better soon and that she had the strength not just to eat her way out of there and starve again. I want her to be happy and she clearly thinks its with anyone else but me so I wish her all the luck in the world. I no longer follow her on anything iv deleted everything I have I no nothing except blogs as I still care.

I say this to Aimee as she did read this, but I am sorry all of this happened two people who did love each other but both hit issues in mental health in very different ways the combination was a bad mix and made this a bad break up instead of a supportive one. I want you to know I don’t care what happened I don’t blame you, I don’t listen to what others say…I know you better then anybody’s comments I always stick up for you. I will always love you and I think about you every single day, I wish things were different I will never ever forget you!

To everyone else think about what people mean to you, don’t be a push over but also think about your actions heat of the moment or not remember how you would feel. I lost every thing I had all because a blog…so please think of the out come because right now there are things I wanna share with her, smiles I wanna make happen, cuddles I wanna hand out advice I wanna give and stuff I need to tell… but unfortunately I am never going to see her again or talk to her again in my life!

 

Don’t make my mistake people.

 

Stay happy, keep going and try live your dreams. Don’t learn the hard way 🙂

 

Happy blogging people.

 

Showing love

I was told if I loved her I would leave her alone…I loved her more then anything in the world so I’m doing it.

Tough but if it’s the only way I can show her how then it’s all I can do. 

How ever, things have changed. I’m not in a stupid mood, I don’t wallow anymore I’m sick of acting a victim life’s shit stuff happens deal with it so I am. I have some flying exams coming up Iv saved loads from all my hard work so I’m about to finish it off now 🙂 I do however keep getting poorly all the time I actually have no voice atm which makes work interesting lol 

Iv Run two 4.5 mile runs this week, having a running partner who’s pushing me hard ready for the marathon I am determine to do it in style lol 

I did read a comment tonight saying I miss people but I know I can’t…part me thinks that’s me, an I wanna say you can miss who you want there are zero rules in this life except the one do what you wanna do not what others tell you and there someone words that really need to be remembered.

But who am I kidding I know deep down it wasn’t aimed at me.

Anyway every enjoy your weekend 🙂 remember do what you wanna do and don’t wallow.

Two things Iv learnt 🙂
Happy blogging folks 

What a day it’s been 

What a day…
Sooo my day lol
I get a rather angry text message from a girl I took out a few times, who thinks the sun shines out my backside as much as I wish it did…it does not. I rather gently told her that she wasn’t the girl I think about…to which she reacted by going to my house lol
Luckily I was at work and she delightfully left me a bday present “to show me how special I am” ohhhh mann what have I done….not my style at all I just can’t like her not sure I can anyone right now.
I then was in the car when we had a smash straight into the centre reservation of the motorway through pure shock I found it hilarious, how ever we could have actually very easily died.
I then read a blog from her, which made me intiching to tell her well done on her bakery trial and how proud I am and that I want to give her that cuddle and tell her everything will be okay more then anything in the world…but I’m not allowed.
And then…… this happens…

I have a place in the marathon, omg it’s incredible I am the jammiest ever. How ever it was Aimee that made me apply one I will actually die and two this is somthing I link to her the good part of our relationship and somthing I dreamed we would experience together, so feeling a bit emotional.

What a rollercoaster day…think I should go to bed now lol
#mystory #notwallowing #trying #yay 

This is why, the true picture

Had to delete my last blog as…I was writing it, I got a text from a lass.
She brought me a bday present and a card, Iv known about this all week but I keep avoiding being able to see her. She says some amazing things about what she thinks of me and how I’m special, she try’s call me couple times a day…blah blah but I don’t show an interest, I’m not sure why.

Tonight she said I can’t get your attention yet a blog from Aimee does a blog that hurts you and begins you self harming yet that gets my attention more then a girl who wants to be with me…
I said she’s right, ya know what at times I hate Aimee, I think she writes stuff knowing she’s gonna upset me, she ignores me as she wants a new boyfriend that’s all….all these comments Iv heard and thought, ya know what the whole lot could be true for all I care.
But Aimee changed my life, she has a heart the size of a jumbo jet 🙈 she helped me deal with my childhood Iv never felt happy talking about it, I felt so happy confident and safe around her. She wanted to be part of my family she embraced it my family adore her even now I still get asked about her my friends too the ones o value always ask and my colleges as they knew what she did for me.

Iv painted pictures of a mean person at times, maybe she hasn’t reacted the right way maybe her family didn’t either but then I didn’t either, but none of any of that matters, I witnessed for months every single part of anorexia, I seen what affect it has on the brain, on the body, on loved ones it affected us all, but it affected this beautiful girl, it stole her identity it stole her body it stole her mind and it stole her life. No body in the world done anything wrong everybody did there best herself, my self her brother her parents everyone. But it’s not an illness you can take pills for it’s and illness that the more you fight it the harder it is but no fight and you get no results it will be a part of her life for ever…but it’s just a tiny peace of a girl who has so much to give.

I have cried, I done stupid things to kill myself hurt myself. I do feel responsible but that’s my mentality.
But a picture needs to be painted of a true angel, I will never ever forget her… I had the experience of my life with this girl. I would literally have taken the illness off of her if I could and still would.
I’d love to buy her a coffee now tell her I’m sorry. I wanna shake her brothers hand and apologise for being a tool I wanna shake her dads hand and thank him for raising someone who will be the best memory of my life.
For all the crazy people on her dating site they are all missing a true gem!!! Perfection one guy will marry her one day and he will live my dream. But I had my chance and anorexia won.
I made so many mistakes on this journey but they are remembered none of the good things I did.
But I mean no harm, I miss her everyday no one will ever compare to her, but she hates me because I didn’t just walk away…but you don’t when you love someone. Never tell anyone you wanna spend rest your life with them if you literally wouldn’t do everything in your body to try not to lose them when you lose everything around you and your dignity.

It’s a once in a life time feeling…I was always gonna fight.
Anyway bday over now… feels better. Even tho we went away a year ago today lol 
Keep battling your own battle, it’s doesn’t need to be a disease or a visual illness everyone has a battle never judge anyone else’s.
#mybattle #missmylife #cantwallow y

Birthday 

So another year older and years experience and what a year it’s been.
A totally different birthday to last year but what can I do, my memory hop is very sad today. Makes me realise what I had.
Her dumped Blog was heart breaking yesterday but rise above.
My cuts are healing and starting to vanish how ever I have to go to the doctors as one looks a little infected…shows my stupidity.
Had a very drunken night out out last night which was lovely and funny…didn’t feel great but I can’t wallow.
But today…I actually thought she may have said happy birthday to me. I know I’m an idiot for even thinking it I’m an idiot for evening wondering it.
But it now feels beyond hate for a mistake, for me personally it describes what I meant.
Anyway enjoy your day people 
#positivevibes #mystory #fix

 

Getting annoyed 

If I wake up to one more message like that again I’m gonna flip.This blog is not to “wallow” but I am f**king sick and tired of it now. If it’s not one thing it’s another if it’s not one person it’s another.

This is all related to my useless dad, he has sent me some awful msgs today and got others to as well as he is now in financial problems and I “have to” help.

I work every single day, if I’m not at job 1 I Work job 2 it keeps me busy and saves me money I work so hard I’m shattered all the time but it’s for me…but apparently that means I have to help.

He is guilt tripping me and knows it will work…I’m close to giving him all my savings to get rid of him but then all my hard work will be wasted, how ever my life will be easier.
The guy has zero idea what’s been happening in my life he doesn’t no what’s happened at all, these are the moments I wish I had her around. She massively helped me in this situation.
My heads killing me, this week has been crazy it’s gotten out of hand and it’s all because of him, everything is because of him. I F**king hate him.

I wish the weekend was over already, dreading it 😦 

I have zero right to blog and let my frustration out it’s nothing compared to others…but I’m getting really annoyed!! 

A**holes

A**holes.
When are people gonna stop going to act like a**holes.
I’m sick of people atm, there are people I wanna get back in my life, people won’t take the hint that I’m not really into them, people who just want something and that is why I’m p****ed off.
My whole problem in life in my childhood it’s messed up my way of thinking which makes me destroy my own life every day is a constant battle, Iv on ever let on person in too this and she’s important to me hence me becoming a pain in her life…anyway she helped convince me to cut out my dad will help and it did he has no impact personally on my moods but unfortunately his actions impact my emotions of other situations.

Unfortunately the situations are massive which makes me angry at him and myself, the way in which my brain thinks about stuff is the reason my ex partner hates my guts, I love her every second of every day and because my way of thinking I lost her and it kills me.

Last night somit happened and it broke my heart to read it but I couldn’t stop thinking about it all night, it doesn’t seem real at times but this is still all based on the programming of ones brain I even been through it with a professional before so I know it’s true.

How ever Iv not long woken up 😦 due a nightmare relating to my ex as per usual and I get a phone call demanding me to help my dad financially…he is after a new car I have to help, I’m his son and don’t even bother seeing him if not I need to work how he can as I’m supposed to be intelligent…. bare in mind Iv just come off another night shift I’m shattered.

I was told Iv not made an effort since Feb this year to see him or call him…yet when I say but I haven’t had a call or moved house either I get screamed at.

Wtf where has this come from, I don’t deserve to be spoken to like this, the only time I hear from him is for money… I work two jobs non stop for myself, yet why just because his my dad do I not have a choice?

He has a baby on the way and is engaged to a stupid girl who’s never worked a day in her life and because he has go back and forth to hospital I need to help or offer him lifts when I’m free…seriously.

But I nearly shouted back, you have ruined my life why would I help you? 30 (Nearly 31) and Iv struggled in life due to being abused as a child, this impact mad my brain analyse situations and make bad choices based on what my brain thinks people do or are going to do.

Punishment and self blame are programmed into my brain, not letting someone out at a round about makes me feel bad lol but this situation doesn’t sound to bad but has ruined my last relationship…I waited a long time to meet a girl so special this is the first girl Iv been head over heels in love with, I just knew with her and I wanted see out my life with her. Yet I probably will have had it not been my mentality my way of think not everything but some stuff and this mentality it isn’t me it isn’t my identification it somthing with Inn me.

An not being able to control it hurts the true me confuses the me and is what makes me depressed and a wallower.

So for me he a massive part to play in my relationship break down I should be the one with Aimee having the child and getting engaged but his eveilnees destroyed me as a child and is contueing today why did I deserve that? 
I’m angry and upset right now.

Now is it me or am I such a walk over that people see me as an easy target? 

Am I one of them people who people enjoy seeing upset?
I admittedly want someone back in my life who hates me, I want my dad out of my life who just wants me for what I have and the other girl she won’t stop persisting In trying be in my life and as nice as she’s being with out saying it which I’m about to she’s not Aimee!!
Every bloody day atm…Birthday this weekend I am abso dreading the weekend 😦 all it reminds me of is what Iv lost as last year was the best of the lot.
LIFE mann