Loneliness to me is not sitting in the corner on your own or hiding away from the world, it’s about feeling as though the world has been put on fast forward and everything and everyone is rushing around but because your not fast enough you don’t see it properly no body stops, everyone just continues there journey, best you can pray for is someone trips over you, but even then you have to apologise.
So having a massive group of friends spread over the country sounds great how can you be lonely right? Social media people make you seem like a ledgend they look up at your achievements they like your posts they tell you how much they miss you and remind of good times…
But why just good times?Who’s there when I come home at night after a bad day at work? Who thinks on xmas day oh I must say happy xmas to them? Who thinks il go out of my way to check how there doing?
I lay in bed recently and smelt the perfume of a special young lady in life, yet I lay an smelt it and think about her then I think about my friends and I pray she would be there holding my hand or my friends calling to say hi, I also think of everything Iv done recently and realise I made all them occasions happen no one actually went out there way for me….. but it happens and you realise to everyone your just a option or a back up your not actually a selection anybody has made…. but they appreciate you being a MUG.
Iv also learnt that being nice doesn’t pay, you go out your way to make someone feel special do anything and everything to make there day…yet your not important you a time passer, a moment, your not special…yet your loneliness tells you it’s okay this is all you have, deal with it.
So I remain like an ant in a desert there’s nothing around, nothing, no one, if cry no one sees it, if I scream no one hears, if I ask for help no one cares, but if I make a mistake everyone hears, this makes me wonder what’s the point?
Do I really have to continue? No one would care… no one would notice
So I lost my now ex girlfriend due to depression and anxiety the worries I was feeling were making my mind say all the wrong things and at the incorrect times, I couldn’t control the words and thoughts.
I would show a reaction to a scenario which I didn’t wanna show at all and look and think why did you say that and I would get angry but at me…how can you be angry at yourself? Once you hit this point you hate that person, your anger towards them is so strong ya see them in the mirror and hate the image you see, you see there Image and posts on social media and think I never wanna be like them, you think to yourself some people don’t deserve the luck they get…..then the worst part of it all you realise the person you are thinking of, it’s you!!!
Then when you realise it’s you who you hate and who you are, you hit the depression stage, how do you destroy you??? Death.
I think when I hear of a suicide of the bravery of someone not the selfishness, I envy the courage it took them to do it.
I want to be able to do, the confidence to be able to do it…..heights scare me, why? Because an open space looking down, I know I would lean to far forward and fall so to die scares me yet wanting to die excites me? I can’t understand that apart from shows how insanely idiotic I am.
I would wanna tell my loved one or two how much I love them and writing a suicide note or a hundred as it seems doesn’t worry me but why haven’t I the balls to do it??? I pray one day il be like oh…I did do it.
I drive home in the rain and don’t slow down praying I end up in a tree or that lorry who’s tyre goes let it hit me, don’t see me and crush my car.
Then that way I wouldn’t have to deal with the only person I hate in the whole wide world.
Recently people’s “banter” or persons banter is aimed at how stupid I am, yeah I have a clever job but me I’m a failure I’m stupid I do stupid things clumsy things, today I drove down the wrong road as I ignored the sat nav then lost my pen again and dropped my drink over me yeah may seem funny but it really angers me makes me hate me even more for being useless.
So this year it’s the aim to move out….that’s it but this year should be moving out with my partner and was supposed to be the year I get engaged to her too (me little old me finding a wife) feels weird.
How ever it’s not the case due to me being me I lost all that, my biggest dream in the world a girl who was not perfect but she’s perfection and was perfect for me, something I have never experienced someone making me smile all the time not breaking my heart, being her friend is okay because I don’t want her to be with him (me) because she’s better then him and he deserves everything he gets.
So I sit here tonight and think why, what’s the point….when all I want is a rewind so I could live my dream a little longer. If not the stop button because I don’t wanna watch any more of the episode of ME it is awful and destroying me… No one can ever hate anyone the way I hate me, but I’m happy I feel this way too because everything that happens to me is what I deserve.