My explaination

So I feel I need to write this blog to explain and apologise.
Right now I feel lost and alone. All my dreams and hopes have vanished I didn’t lose just my girlfriend, I also lost my best friend my soulmate my smile and happiness.
I reacted poorly to a situation I wasn’t expecting, my brain was confused and so very tired. Love is such a powerful feeling, the love I have for this other human was like something I have never experienced.

The break up was all heat of the moment stressed related situation. The words during were unacceptable but emotional, irrational and incorrect. She told me she didn’t love me, my heart sank and instantly snapped.
We had been quiet all day and just odd due to worrying but didn’t mean I didn’t love her, it made me feel all the times she said she loved me were fake that all our dreams were made up and that our memories were not true…. we had many talks about me being nervous she would leave me and she told me off for not trusting her but I always apologised and said I did trust her, but at this moment I felt I was right.
I felt used, I felt she got better and didn’t need me that she never loved me to have already fallen out of love.
I had braced my self to marry this wonderful girl, she has a lot to deal with and is still battling a serious illness but none of that bothers me I wanted to stand by her side, I’d tell the world I didn’t care she counted calories, I didn’t care she was suicidal I didn’t care we had to plan everything nothing mattered because she was so special to me and I have never before said or meant so much I wanted to spend my life with my best friend.
So all that taken into account, my brain hit out in shock and my words are not true it was sadness and confusion the same as I’m sure the not loving me part.

I should be living my life, not sitting around missing her. We should be out together tonight and fixing a tiff. We are under so much pressure atm this was always going to be a hard period.
My family want me to fix something which I’m surprised but all I can do is respect her and prey she can understand.

This afternoon I battled my sadness to go visit my brother his pretty upset about something and so I was i when he asked to speak to my partner 😦
But I said to Mum I’m going I need to remain strong, on route I wanted to challenge my nerves and get a coffee me and my partner shared and loved this was a day of trying….but when I walked in I seen her, I respected her wishes and walked straight out shaking.

I then drove straight home I couldn’t continue, this is all a big mess a hugh  miss understanding and I miss this girl so much

Lost

I’m so lost.

I can’t eat anymore, I’m not hungry ever and haven’t eatten properly in 3/4 days. I came home from work this morning and haven’t bothered to sleep I just can’t sleep. I walked into town alone pretending my other half was with me, I went into our favourite coffee shop and brought our favourite coffee, I then walked upto the bakers we went into but just walked past then looked through the window of the charity shop and then walked to the park and sat on the swing, I couldn’t drink my coffee so threw it away. I sat on the swing and just cried, no one was around I just burst into tears.

Why is that happening? How has this happened again? Why why why so many whys. I’m so lost literally lost I’m missing the biggest and best part of my life I have no one to talk to I have tried but no one seems interested.

I miss my best friend and girlfriend so much like never before, this is all a Hugh mistake and I made it happen. I’m devastated and angry at myself.

I then walked to a supermarket to by some drinks we had just started to drink…I can’t get her out of my head. I wanna just jump in my car and see her say I’m sorry say I love you and cuddle her so tightly. My family and friends are gutted for me, there’s no anger which is helpful but still doesn’t get me back my life.

I can’t message her anymore though I can’t let her down anymore, I want to tho.

I have lost her for ever and I’m so gutted I feel paralysed

I’m currently sitting staring at the wall, my mum had made me a roll but I can’t touch it I’m not hungry I’m going to throw it in the bin.

I just hate this feeling and I hate me 😦

reactions

So this evening i said to my friend, i hate life, like why is it so complicated.

She replied with “well its as complicated as you make it, you control life”…to which i replied we do not control life, situations but we can control our reactions.

My reaction to this mess has to be focused this time, i cant lose a grip and mess my life up, i just cant. How ever i am very scarred i am about to, it what my brain tells me.

So i got thinking that the break up its self, was messy… how ever it was all me, the break up was not me but the situation was made and it was down to me to control to reaction. But i failed miserably, i began perfectly and explaining to her i respect her and was offering her the option. But then it began to go wrong, emotions, lack of sleep and then that feeling…LOVE.

Now love is incredible and life changing but also is uncontrollable, for me losing love is devastating it makes me lose my mind and make me react terrible. My reaction to this whole situation was wrong, my behaviour was all wrong and i let myself down as i make my character look like something it truly is not. But i cant control love. But i know have to live with the regret for ever yet again, i no longer have my soulmate my best friend and it feels may i deserve this all, maybe us splitting up is what i deserve maybe i failed her by worrying to much caring to much, maybe i needed to step back, maybe we needed breaks. But this is all my own doing, i believe everything happens for a reason and i was required to be punished. She is such an amazing young lady she deserves the best and guess she knows it too and believes she can find a better match.

Just the amazing memorises we have her little quirks..this is what i cant get out my head and the waking up to her daily and sharing my life with someone so special and important to me. Its not a bond il ever recreate but its the not a situation i can change and no number of texts or phone calls will ever change that.

Tonight i am at work and have been sick 4 times, due to stress i am stressed to the maximum. My boss is still here and has told me to take the next two days off and rest.

 

I hate how something so special and something so amazing can then become something so sour and something so painful. I have well and truly F**ked this one up. I will pay the price for the rest of my life, she is all i ever wanted and was abso perfection in both mine and my family’s eyes. My Mum has been super today 🙂 she even told me to fix it, which i was expecting different from her. But its a situation out of my control its her that decided the situation i already have reacted wrong, i owe her to react right now and leave her alone.

This is made harder by seeing the reasoning behind the situation and contributing factors, but its not for me to realise its for her too.

 

But as this situation appears i now have to react, correctly, quickly and sensible too.

 

I have caused this and it is all my fault i will probably never see her again..how i long to hold her hand right now.

Broken

I’m devastated right now

My life is crumbling apart, Iv lost my girlfriend my best friend.
Someone who made me smile, new my life, someone who got me and I got her.
We dreamed together and planned together.
We stuck by while she struggled with a very serious illness.
We drunk together we ate together we brought sweets and shopped together.
We played games and enjoyed the sea side together.
We planned our wedding and talked about our family.
She stole my heart and no one can ever take it back, she stole my mind and I love it. She stole the heart of family and my friends for perfection and attitude towards me.
She stole my life is the best way ever.

Know she’s in trouble, she’s sick in hospital and I can’t see her, I can’t hold her hand like I did everyday I can’t stroke her hair like I did at night I can’t dry her tears like we have before.
I now feel empty, lost and alone. I don’t want anything in life but to be by her side I don’t want any dreams except the ones I share with her.
I don’t want my health as much as I want hers.

I don’t want anything from life but to be able to spend it with my best friend.

I was her other half and she is mine, right now I’m missing half of me and I miss my other half.
My tears stream down my face as I look at a white wall and prey for her health and dream to be by her side.

Im broken

So upset

I’m currently so upset.

I received two missed calls earlier from a no number and guessed would have been my ex but I couldn’t return the call as I didn’t wanna upset her.
I called later as I was beginning to worry, she told me she had taken an over dose and was In hospital, I instantly jumped in the car and drove to the hospital I called her and she said she wanted to see me, I went to her bed side and she looked ill scarily I’ll she had overdosed a lot of tablets. She was shaking and looked in a bad way, I asked her is she wanted me stay she said yes for the time being.
Then I called her brother to tell him someone was with her, but because we split up this morning he called the hospital and had me asked to leave.

I left the love of my life, my girlfriend only yesterday in a hospital bed wired up to machines with a drip shaking and scarred on her own as no one else was around.

I’m sitting in my car so upset, forget words and arguments…I love this girl I wanted to make sure she was okay and most of all wasn’t alone. We more adult (I thought) then to see issues, life is short very short we can’t hold grudges.

Right now I’m just so upset and scarred I don’t no if she will be okay, I know nothing apart from I deeply and madly love her to bits and she’s in a very bad place and I miss her so much 😦

 

Gutted

I sit and read her blog and think the same as her.

I blame myself for all this mess not her. Tonight I found out I have a new job, Iv waited weeks for this to release some pressure from my life…

But I have no one to share my news with I want to share with my girlfriend I wanna have a beer and share dinner together I wanna cuddle and here someone say they are proud, I told one person none of my family know and I don’t plan to tell them.

I’m feeling depressed and so fed up, I wanna just fall asleep for ever I’m trying keep busy but just keep crying.

I can’t get out of my head this image I always had of my princess in her wedding dress waiting for me.

My family don’t know anything at the minute as I dream this is a dream and I don’t want them to know, but who am I kidding.

I miss her so much, I wanna call her I wanna Tx her…but I just can’t

This year has turned from the best to the worst in less then 24 hours 😦

A mess

What a mess

The last 24hours have been a total mess.

I kissed my girlfriend yesterday morning and told her I love her, then since we had a little disagreement, she’s gave up on us, I been told off by the police, chased by the police twice, I have a boot full of my stuff I emotionally let off at her last night. I’m totally blocked and hated. Yet two days ago we had the most incredible set of days off.

I want to cry my eyes out yet I can’t, I wanna go home yet I don’t, I wanna do something real stupid but I shouldn’t.

I’m all over the place.

I can simply say that I love that girl, I always have since the moment I meet her. But we are so alike, she is very stubborn and knows how to upset me and I push and push her which is a bad combo, but still we are so much better then way this has turned into.

There are people in my family I promised I’d never introduce people too but did this time I believed this was it. But now I’m hurting and emotional my brains mush I have lost my girlfriend my future wife and my best friend.

I always imagined we would rise above stuff and sort friends or relationship…maybe I hoped rather then actually knew.

Right now I sit in my car and just stare into space not knowing what to do.