I’m dreaming right?

So I found out through Facebook earlier my dad is engaged to his younger then me girlfriend who are expecting a child soon, combine that with my ex being so close by but who still hates my guts :(Like I’m surely gonna wake up one day and realise this is a dream right?
So I meet a lass who isn’t generally my type of girl more my brothers tbh a bit to Essex for me, but is a stunning girl and really canny and for some crazy reason stupidly keen on me, someit anyone wants right…but why isn’t it enough for me, I still think constantly miss and want the only girl who hates me to bits.
I’m nervous this weekend as I know she’s home, I’m nervous for her πŸ™ˆ I read her blog and get upset when I read she’s sad…I care way to much, but why?? This girl hates my guts she treats me like a bit of rubbish…so why can’t I hate her? 
This weekend is a struggle, I have full on flu I’m now on nights too but we are to short for me to call in sick. Just wondering what ever is next for me???? 
I could right a book, I just want a nice simple life…wish I had the life I imagined not this comedy show lol
Hope everyone is enjoying there weekend

A day with anxietyΒ 

Waking up everyday more tired then when you go to bed. Sleepless nights looking through your phone looking at other lives and see how people are married, engaged and have kids and houses, everyone else is happy happy Happy.I get up and stare into space and forget basic life skills making a drink with out spilling it or collecting lunch for work I forget because my brain is thinking and thinking about anything and everything it’s obsessed with thinking.

People ignore you, someone doesn’t text you back or you’ve a reminder your single and you think why why what did I do what did I say why me, your brain goes round and round and round.

You imagine your ex is happy out and about your fiends are making plans with out you your family are avoiding you.

You begin to lose interest in everything work becomes a chore, eatting is a chore life it’s self is a chore your to tired.

Your brain is constantly thinking how to improve you keep telling your self why this is happening why that happened how you can fix it, who can help you fix.

You try and date as that’s the answer not releasing it makes it worse, you can smile and it’s gone you can get compliments and your fixed…..then ya alone and your brains back your back in this world your the failure again social media is happy happy happy, you add Instagram and Facebook pics to see likes to feel some love we blog random stuff to see if people care, we tx people to see if they care.

One person cares and we jump on there caring side we love them we adore them but how long will it last do we really?

We lose weight with stress and lack of food, we loose friends with negative behaviour we lose our jobs maybe our loved ones we lose everything apart from the thoughts the thoughts never stop.

Then you do get a few hours sleep before starting all over again tomorrow.

This ladies and gentleman boys and girls is what I go through every single day, to the outside world this is crazy and extreme but I reality to me and many others this is life and this anxiety.

Lying in bed very poorly, but watched a video that inspired me to describe what it’s like every day for me and many others.
Enjoy your weekend everyone πŸ˜„

A recent memory πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

So this blog has taken two days to type lol
I stupidly wore my contacts the other day and have had a 24 hour migraine πŸ™ˆ
So I have had to relive a place I experienced with her and also go to a new place….where she is! I don’t work job number 2 often but to get both places in one day was kinda freaky.
But it was a day of joking around as per with Derek, he wanted to listen to magic….this is where I experienced something different.
A song came on the radio just a song that’s all, “sweet Caroline” theses words…”hands, touching hands, reaching out, touching me,touching you” now it’s ironic that this happened while driving into Norwich probably the last time I heard this song, me an her used to sing this to each other and do the actions….normally I would have freaked and switched it off…how ever sang at the top of my voice and smiled, I thought what an amazing laugh we used to have, even now writing it makes me smile.

Don’t get me wrong it’s disappointing I don’t think I will ever experience that connection again, how ever I’m so lucky to have anyway.

This is a memory that makes me smile, I ignore everything else that’s what it was all about.
But it proves memories don’t need to be painful memories they can be good and is why we as humans interact with people and fall in love.
So shattered ATM sorry if my blogs are poorly written and make little sense, to many late nights and work πŸ™ˆ but I just wanted to show that I now smile at some of our memories not get upset anymore πŸ˜„
I am nervous to blog to a new follower I’m worried it’s just to get me in trouble πŸ™ˆ but I hope not, I wanna say I read your blog and have πŸ˜„ with progress you are making, I dreamed of this stage in your progress but not with us like this πŸ™ˆ…. don’t look at the bad, but look back on your life before remember the good times you had and experienced and think you can do that again, you won’t be lonely your to amazing to be, people flock to you as they are attracted to the person you are!!! You will make more incredible memories in your new life!

Anyway people, stay safe enjoy your Thursday and keep blogging don’t be ashamed to say what ever you think.

What’s a week

So it’s been a shocking week.
It was hard to final to hand over all her stuff, it’s hard to say goodbye to someone you still love. It was heart breaking on a new level to read she’s dating while in hospital.

During all this I remained faithful that at least we experienced somit together but now realise she didn’t actually mean any of it, I think that’s what disappoints me the most.

But Iv failed at life all week I have been very weak, my problem is not trying get her back but just build a bridge for all the bad we were still like best friends. Maybe she doesn’t get it and thinks I’m trying cause issues when I’m not.
Then work has been awful, we are so busy ATM I have been part of planning our flight to Houston off all places, my night shifts have been full on, I currently have crew stuck in hotels away from there family’s as well as the danger of trying to fly around a hurricane it’s been stressful and sad to receive emails showing the devistation the floods are causing. My heart goes out to all affected in the storms.

My jobs problems are nothing compared to thoughts affected but it makes thinks a little harder that’s all, it’s tired me out it’s been a tough week.

Today however has been a massive surprise πŸ™‚ that is an actual smile πŸ™‚ yes believe it or not I actually had a full proper smile and laughed today. After minimum sleep I forced my self up out of bed and out the house in the glorious sunshine and for the first time in months smiled and forgot my problems.
But this blog is more to explain my blogs.
I don’t blog to cause stress pain or upset anyone. They are mainly about one girl, basically it’s just my brains thinking on paper, rather then me scream and shout or get upset I just type exactly what I think at that given time.

No harm is meant it’s purely getting my thoughts out of my head.
I do genuinely think people think this whole process should have been easy for me…but it’s not. Maybe my reaction has been perfect maybe this maybe that but not a lot of this process has been done properly no one has done anything properly or with dignity. 

But there are so many factors in people’s reactions that we can’t and don’t have a right to blame anyone, this is a situation which is one in a million tbh it’s not everyday it’s not the norm.

I can offer my sorrys but there wasted, I have bee made the problem.

I accept it.
But my blogs are getting out my thoughts there’s not wrong….but they are most certainly not right either.
Hope all are enjoying the bank holiday weekend πŸ™‚ 

An stay safe if you in the U.S 

πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

I wake up every single day, an I think about this girl I look to my emails to see if she has blogged so I can read how she’s getting on.Every blog gets to me, I read how sad she is and her struggles I also read her happiness and success every blog decides my mood.

Every time I walk into my room I expect to see her sitting on my bed, eating pick and mix or pouring disarno and Diet Coke.

I still find hair clips in my room and my car and think about the amount of requests to play with her hair lol 

I drive my car and sing to myself and think all the times we used to sing to each other in the car and dance to the songs.

I sit in my kitchen and wait for her to get millions of ingredients out and we bake anything together for fun.

I sit in my garden and remember us laying in the sun together and laying out side at night and watching the stars.

I drive though the high street and see our favoured pubs we would stumble home from.

I close my eyes and I see her every time, her smell or beautiful smile and remember many many times of laughter, times of joy and difficult times we hold each other’s hands and make it through.

I miss this very special girl every single day, I miss her being a part of my life as I read all I mentioned above Iv described my best friend.
Now I know she didn’t finish with me for being sick she just never did love me, I feel my feelings aren’t allowed, I shouldn’t have feel like this towards a girl who didn’t like me. I can’t date anyone else because I just can’t do it….I stupidly believed I was going to marry her even now I can’t hate her, everyone says I should I believe I should but I can’t I still adore her after everything.
But now she’s dating from hospital, it’s the worst rejection ever, regardless of what Iv done for her if a stranger is worth more a gamble then me even while she’s in hospital what does that say about me? I must have been awful. 

If a stranger is better for her then me, it makes me look at myself and think how could it get any worse.
All the above memories mean nothing as she thinks she get better from anyone else, I guess she’s right I’m awful, I always knew I wasn’t good enough for her.
I can’t describe the way my heart feels right now, I was gutted when she finished it but right now I’m completely heart broken.
I broke down in tears driving away from her house this week after delivering her stuff to hers never did I imagine she was out dating someone else already.
I feel like such a mug, I can’t believe how awful a boyfriend I must have been when this is a better option.
This doesn’t feel real, my whole life feels like a tv program someone is gonna jump out and shout I got you soon.
My hearts absolute broken.

Torture – it’s meΒ 

I can’t deal with what I’m reading I can’t believe what I’m reading.
It has to be me, what is so wrong with me?
You must be awful when it’s so easy to hurt me and seems so much fun to hear what a mess I am.

You must be awful when dating in hospital is a better option then you remaining in there life after everything you been through.
When we made a year she said our rollercoaster had stopped didn’t realise she would be wrong and it’s just got worse.
I just can’t stand myself for finding out how awful a person I must be, I tried everything to be a feiend a boyfriend or even just a human and I’m the peace of rubbish she describes she threw me away in the bin!!! Am just kicks me about here an there 😦

Iv already thrown my dinner in the bin, wanted to call in sick for work I’m here and can’t be bothered yet have a very important flight plan to do 😦 

I have zero idea why any of this is happening????
Someone tell me why???? What have I done?

I’m gonna die a lonely guy 😒 just wish it

Would hurry up!!

My day :(Β 

A can’t explain today
My dads house was set on fire, I haven’t got the balls to go see him I can’t bring myself to see him.
I won Β£200 on football and just not even blinked at it at all.
An now….Iv just had my heart smashed into a million peaces the girl I miss, is dating while in a hospital.
She broke up with me because she was ill, Iv just learnt it was lie 😒
Literally what is happening, how did my life change so much ☹️
I’m scarred what this is gonna do to me, instantly depressed and now I have work ☹️ I can’t take anymore.
Why do I deserve this?