Mental health

So this blog has two purposes.
So the main being for me learning about people’s lack of understanding of mental health. It’s something that comes in all forms shapes and sizes and affects people in different ways.
Why do we understand a broken leg, loss of limb or other serious illness’s but we don’t respect mental health which is also deadly.
People act of character, thoughts and feelings take over people’s minds,brain and actions but it doesn’t mean it’s what they want or what they mean and this is without adding the challenges life brings ontop. Not everything is black and white it’s not simple.
Everything thinks they understand mental health but until you witness is and even experience it people are not open minded.

My second, is really kinda of…odd. I owe a hugh thank you to someone I don’t know lol Believe It or not someone has taken time out of there life to read all about me and has done somthing kinda out of this world. I have zero idea as to why but I can’t explain my gratitude. Thanks to them I kinda have a feeling within me…I’m not sure I’d ever experience!!!

So to this true ledgend…thank you so much!

Him

Iv learnt from all my experiences so much, my tweaks and changes are all a part of my challenges. I hate the tasks that were set but they all help mould a bigger and better person. That I’m most truly proud of.

But I need to blog, I’m struggling atm. My blogs read how much I miss Aimee, but this isn’t it. It’s him, still him. I can’t sleep atm and I can’t stop thinking of her, an think I know why. I can’t shift my migraine at all, for all I keep racking my brains. I can’t get this weekend out my head, I haven’t seen his face for nearly 12months and I never wanted to see him again. But his my Dad, I love my Dad but I hate him 😢
I cant get his anger his words out of my head, i wasnt ready to see him i wasnt ready for his verbal abuse, he won again i stayed strong on the surface but inside i feel apart.
I come to a house where im ignored, I’m a target of frustration or a bank balance to use I’m a driver to be driven around or the useless one.

I longed all my life for love, no body’s ever made me feel the centre of there life, nobody ever made me feel like they wanted me until I meet her but not only did she do this she was also my best friend, she was the holder of my hand. She was the massive tower of strength and the courageous one she helped make dreams feel reality but she was mine, she wanted to make me feel that way and wanted to devote that to a life time.
When I lost it, I lost indentation on life.
Everyday is a struggle but this weekend was awful, the more I wish she was around the more I realise why she’s not and it’s the more angry I get at myself.

I can’t explain what he did to me as a child, he has scarred my life, ruined my thought process and ruined some really important parts of my life, It helped ruin my chances of marrying her. I may never get the experience I longed for because the experiences I was made part of.

I’m fine I promise, I just feel so alone…I never wanted for somthing to be fixed so badly. I’m not sure why but my past the very beginning is beginning to destroy me a little bit by bit.

I’m sorry for all my blogs, but I don’t have anyone to talk to…an out is better then floating around atm.

im so lonely

Sorry

It’s nearly 1am and I’m in a bit of state, todays been awful.
It’s got me thinking as normal, being spat at like your scum and being told your a peace of s*** from your own Dad his words have hurt because I hate him, but his supposed to be my Dad his supposed to be proud of me not treating like dirt.
Then my true love comes to my mind, I can’t stop thinking about her at the moment. But if we’re as incredible as I describe which isn’t a lie, why does she hate me so much?
It’s me, I have caused all of this. I have been racking my brains for what seems forever and all I can think of is the mistakes I made originally, I messed up I did something I hate myself for, I scared her I got obsessed and I did try to grab it, it’s doesn’t matter what my reasoning was I did…my split moment stupidity I did, it the biggest regret of my life, then when we broke up I messed it up, I tried to hard to fix my mess. But when she got ill my way of apology was to give up my life to help her, it pained me literally pained me to see her basically dying. But everyday I felt the guilt of scaring her, being a total a*****e.
But I had changed, an I thought I had done some good.
We had fallen in love for real this time and I thought she has forgiven me and this was fresh beginnings, I loved her so much I wanted to marry her everyday I was so proud that Was my girlfriend I’d tell all of social media everything I didn’t care what she weighed or any of her problems I adored her but I treat like my bride to be and messed up when others had taken over I thought it meant I had failed her, I felt I needed to be the one that made it better I had to because I needed to make a Mende.
This has been the most traumatic experience of my life, this should be the greatest and it’s all my fault, I made the biggest mistake of my life the first time round and I thought I’d made it right but now it’s all I can think of that I did wrong.

I feel like I deserve this feeling. I’m not crying as I’m a mess or feeling suicidal.
I just feel like it’s all my fault I deserved to lose my dad as I’m an awful son and I deserved to lose my beautiful girlfriend as I was a terrible boyfriend.

Everyday I dream of things getting better not with him just her but they never will because this is all my fault.

She doesn’t read any of this….but to god I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart 😢 I didn’t mean any of it and I thought I had put it right 😢 but please please please stop punishing me, I beg for forgiveness I just want to be loved by my mum, Dad and most of all Aimee 😢😢😢

My dad today…

I’m fu**ing fuming.

I am so angry, as per usual my phone has been cut off because my dad won’t pay the bill and won’t pass owenership of the account.

Iv driven to his, to ask him to please get my phone reconnected, I said I would sit in my car and await.
He flipped started shouting and screaming at me, but I ignored and went and sat in my car.
He came out his house banging on my car window trying to open the door calling me a peace of sh**, telling me I’m a useless son as he had a suspected stroke not long ago, calling me a joke then he used the c bomb, yeap that disgusting word is how my own father has described me as I asked him to pay my phone bill Iv already paied him for.
I saw red and jumped out my car I said you don’t not call me a c*** to which he raised his hand to want to hit me, his fist clenched to punch his son….wow luckily he changed his mind and slammed the door. I don’t we completely shocked……I sat purched on the end of my bonnet.
He then opened the door and called the police then hung up an Walker towards me and …..brace yourself, my dad spat in my face over my glasses and called me a waste of space!!!

I do not know how I kept my call.

I am literally raging. So my brother has spoken with him and my bro has paied the bill again, yet I’m sitting out side his house still and I can’t move I’m fuming.

I cried my self to sleep last night at missing my ex girlfriend my best friend, yet she hates me still so much then today my father the guy who made me his blood has spat in my face and called me a waste of space.

I have zero idea why I deserve any of this.

The one person I wanna talk to….won’t, it’s times like now I wish she could stop hating and punishing me.

Needed to blog to see if this calm me down

Getting older

Woke up to a massive smile today, read a really interesting and positive blog.

Crazy the amount of influence someone can have on your mood, guess its why people say you shouldn’t throw the word love around with out meaning it.

Got me thinking I remember freaking my ex out when it just came out the first time I tried to cover it up…but it so didn’t work lol

I am 32 this year, 32 am starting out a new career which is great and hard work, but other then that I have not a lot to be honest. In 32 more years I will be 64….nearly at the end of my life, yet if I think about how fast these 32 have gone, I don’t actually have all that long left and this has scared the living day lights out of me.

My friend is getting married and secretly I am aware they may be having a family too, I am so pleased for them both as they are great, but for all people say they are a good a couple.. I actually had that same if not better relationship, this year should have been massive for me and her 2018 should have been a first home and wedding planning.

Instead my weekend will be me trying to find stuff to do to keep busy for the next 4 days and constant running.

I feel like life is slowly coming to a close, I really want to settle down and begin a family have a life that I never experienced as a child and I really cant see it with anyone else, this girl was perfection, she was meant to be my future.

But what do I do now? This is my problem, what’s next?

I cant  talk with her so I cant fix anything with her, yet I cant find anyone who is remotely close to how incredible she was, but at the same time…life’s catching me up, what happens if I never get to get married or ever experience being a Dad, Yet this experience is scary for everyone so I wanted to be with someone special…yet its not going to anymore.

My age and life is starting to worry me, this is what I had imagined and defiantly not the situation I should be in now.

angry at others

This is again one of them blogs, I want to blog to get it out of my head but yet I don’t want it to be read and taken incorrectly…its a catch 24, how ever my feelings are true if nothing else.

I am struggling a little at the minute, I keep reading how difficult of a time she is having. I get angry at the dates she has the way people cast her aside, I get angry at the lack of support she is receiving etc.

I long to have an opportunity to talk to her or be able to support her, but I am not in a position to she still has so much hatred towards me that she has zero to do with me regardless of how lonely she maybe. Yet people want to show how great they are and can offer a little here and their which look fantastic truly is great, but what about when she really needs it? I get people can offer advice to keep away from me, or people can offer to go for drinks or coffee or dates are after one thing with her…yet why do people not offer true support, you don’t need to remind her to eat you don’t need to wrap her up in cotton wall and as I learnt you certainly don’t need to try to hard, but seriously why is no one doing the basics?

This poor girl has just come home from 7/8 months in hospital then tried to instantly continue life but that was always going to be extremely difficult, but why has no one been there for her when she needed them or offer the simple stuff.

I am rambling but it drives me nuts. I am on nights tonight and have been awake today at home I went for a run yet other then not a lot, how I would have loved to been able to spend some time with her, how much I thought I wanted to drive to see her.

I recently got asked by a lass at work about her, apparently im so enthusiastic about describing how amazing she has done etc, to the point she thought she had began talking to me again and said iv done amazing to stick it out for her…. yet she hadn’t a clue. I have not stuck it out for her I still love her to bits but that’s just me it means nothing as she still can bare me but it doesn’t stop me being proud of her.

 

I just wish all the people who are not in my shoes, who she cares about who have the opportunity with her, realise how special she is support her and for god sake stop taking her for granted.

Proud of my past

This is a kinda reply to someone’s blog…no prizes for guessing who lol

I wanted to blog about a feeling I go last night, again. It’s the feeling of regret, disappointment…the feeling of loss. My friend told me big secret about him starting a family, so pleased for him but quicker then gratitude my heart sank.
His getting married which that feeling makes my heart sink too…why you ask?
That’s because I thought I would have been engaged right now, I should be moving out this year and I want to be a Dad but their is literally only one person I want to and have her thought about experiencing it with that’s my beautiful ex, but because of an illness I don’t think il ever see her again 😦

Today she blogged her regret, this is my response… you don’t need to have regret, life throws challenges at us, as a couple we were jinxed as we received more challenges early on then people experience in a life time. This challenge though it got to you, it changed you with out you realising, mental health is serious and Uncontrollable. Through out all of this situation I remained hopeful to Aimee in the sense that anorexia had made this girl I didn’t recognise but remained strong at Aimee, people hated me, my family didn’t understand me but they didn’t know Aimee like I did, in the time we were together we instantly clicked and got each other and understood so much about the other. So I knew that this wasn’t my Aimee this was her illness I maybe would have appreciated other people’s understanding but no one gets it accept Jamie and Aimee. To see your steps forward still make me the proudest man on this planet I smile when you smile and cry when you cry. It pains me that your in pain and joys me with your success.
I don’t expect you will ever let me back into your life, but it will never stop me being proud of you and happy to have meet my soulmate and been in love with you.

I am 31 and want to settle down, I wanna get married and start a family, it’s a shame I don’t think anymore it’s gonna be with my best friend and soulmate.

But I want her and the whole wide world to know, I am so proud of her and she owes me zero apologies.

I have learnt so much and changed so much it’s just a shame we can’t share it together to be even better.

Life is a strange old thing!