Gutted

I sit and read her blog and think the same as her.

I blame myself for all this mess not her. Tonight I found out I have a new job, Iv waited weeks for this to release some pressure from my life…

But I have no one to share my news with I want to share with my girlfriend I wanna have a beer and share dinner together I wanna cuddle and here someone say they are proud, I told one person none of my family know and I don’t plan to tell them.

I’m feeling depressed and so fed up, I wanna just fall asleep for ever I’m trying keep busy but just keep crying.

I can’t get out of my head this image I always had of my princess in her wedding dress waiting for me.

My family don’t know anything at the minute as I dream this is a dream and I don’t want them to know, but who am I kidding.

I miss her so much, I wanna call her I wanna Tx her…but I just can’t

This year has turned from the best to the worst in less then 24 hours 😦

A mess

What a mess

The last 24hours have been a total mess.

I kissed my girlfriend yesterday morning and told her I love her, then since we had a little disagreement, she’s gave up on us, I been told off by the police, chased by the police twice, I have a boot full of my stuff I emotionally let off at her last night. I’m totally blocked and hated. Yet two days ago we had the most incredible set of days off.

I want to cry my eyes out yet I can’t, I wanna go home yet I don’t, I wanna do something real stupid but I shouldn’t.

I’m all over the place.

I can simply say that I love that girl, I always have since the moment I meet her. But we are so alike, she is very stubborn and knows how to upset me and I push and push her which is a bad combo, but still we are so much better then way this has turned into.

There are people in my family I promised I’d never introduce people too but did this time I believed this was it. But now I’m hurting and emotional my brains mush I have lost my girlfriend my future wife and my best friend.

I always imagined we would rise above stuff and sort friends or relationship…maybe I hoped rather then actually knew.

Right now I sit in my car and just stare into space not knowing what to do.

Dad

Today turned into a very emotional day. I went to visit my Nan she’s in her 80’s she’s a very frail old lady but amazing she’s very out going chatty, it her that gives me my edge it’s where I get my cheekiness and banter from.
She cried when she saw me as my no one gets on with my dad and she thought she had lost me too, I told her that would never happen. My dad has got her in so much debt and he doesn’t care, he racked up thousands of pounds on a 80 odd year old lady so he can be happy and she has hardly any pension just because it’s her son who turn round and told her he hates me that he doesn’t have a son called Jamie but he now has a daughter called Lilly, this hurt to hear this guy has affected my whole life my judgments, my mentality my moods which has all made me a lonely 31 year old guy. I hate this man who my dad, I have moments I wanna tell someone about something I have done or something Iv achieved and I should be able to tell someone but I don’t have anyone it’s sad.
So I gave my nan all my savings I’d worked so hard to save as I couldn’t see her have nothing she’s not got all that long left if we are honest I can’t see her struggle. I also left her £50 so her and my uncle could go for dinner at the weekend on me, I’m proud to say I am not my dad and I dream of having a family and never being like him but I’m also sad to know I don’t have anyone.
On top of this I have some random who will read this stalking me, I’m trying to rebuild a friendship with someone very special to me and this stranger is jealous and he won’t leave me alone. I sat at my Nans trying to make sure she could not see the tears down my face as I watched her cry talking about her son and my dad who abused me, beated me ruined my life now is destroying her last days and she still loves him so much she gave him everything she has and he said to her he has no mum and won’t be at her funeral. While this is happening I have 16 text messages asking me to help him fix stuff, telling me this telling me that….leave me alone I don’t need this.
Right now I’m trying to rebuild some bridges and it’s not easy road after everything but please leave us be.

I have to forget about my dad and continue to concentrate on me, but I miss having a dad, I’m really feeling lonely right now.

Weekend….complete

So I managed the weekend back home. It’s been filled with, coffee, dinner, drinks (coke) a real long run, KFC lol and now a bath feeling a little ill.

It’s been tough being back home, I am totally fine, I had a really bad blip which I had needed I think for a while, feeling better then before too so getting somewhere. But the disappointment in my self is so massive it’s encouraging my effort which is working well for a change.

It’s not all been simple, I have someone telling me basically how much a terrible boyfriend I was and how she hates me, literally to wind me up. When in fact his upset her not me and if anything his affects to push us apart hasn’t worked. But people learn your weakness they pick on it and he knows she’s my weakness, this is not the what you say to a so called friend.

All my blogs about Aimee are not made up, the bond we have was so much better then what someone is trying to break, good luck with that.

Starting to feel the man that I try to be more and more everyday, something really worked for me in Newcastle last week and it’s been fantastic, so trying to implement this into my normal life is my final challenge.

Getting there 🙂 even with people trying to trip me up, I’m getting there 🙂

Scared

So I came to Newcastle last Tuesday in floods of tears they day before I had just had a massive row with my family, I had only just taken and over dose with intentions to die, I had just been signed off Work, I hadn’t eatten in over 7 days and could hardly function like a human being and hadn’t left my bed for over a week.

I return home tomorrow and I’m scarred, but I do leave having run every day for 5 days and a good distance too, I have eaten enough to look at myself again in the mirror, I have spoken with my friend here to explain what I’m thinking and feeling, Iv made a couple changes in stuff I do and brought a new car all to help me start a fresh.

Now I have all this it’s time to come home and implement it all…but I’m scarred I feel physically sick, Iv been getting multiple nose bleeds due to stress and migraines. My hands are sweaty and I’m agitated.

Why, well I’m petrified i scarred of being around my family, messing it up with my ex again, being home and in my room, I’m scarred of not having Lisa, I’m worried how lonely I am gonna be I don’t have anyone in Essex anymore, I’m scarred of failing, I’m scared of making backward steps and I’m scarred of what I did.

So much going through my head, it’s crazy that I am fine but I’m so scarred to return home. Nothings lifting my mood.

 

Valentine’s

So today’s a day you promote your love with someone special.
Last night I decided that I would try to explain to my ex that she was still and important person to me regardless of what situation we were, but I got blanked.

I made a mistake a few weeks back to which I did apologise multiple times, but it seems sorry isn’t good enough, Iv never felt so much hate. But I am struggling to decide what it is Iv done so bad, I got my heart broke yet I’m the hated one.
Last night she told me I was nothing to her, which hurt a little this isn’t really our fault we aren’t together but I feel so responsible.

I’m fine, just today’s a day we promote love and a girl who is a very important part of my life and my true love, still hates me so much.

i wish I knew how I could show how sorry I am, I never wanted her to feel like this about me.

Feeling very lonely today and not very important

Today

Today’s been another belter.
Everyday I miss a certain someone, but today more so. Due to someone else though, I’m still really annoyed someone’s upset her and even more so someone else is pushing us apart.
But I’m glad she blocked him, good to see we actually stuck up for each other and have the others back that made me smile actually. It is a shame it’s so angered and informal.
But she wrote a blog about exactly what Iv been thinking tonight and watching everyone on social media out having fun, drinking, in couples etc yet I’m off work for a month and I’m about as happy as if I were on death row.
I thought how do people find it so easy they are always having fun always doing stuff, yet I find life alone so difficult but with her life was a breeze, but surely that doesn’t mean I have to have someone to succeed because I’m screwed if that’s the case no one is gonna want me.

I feel kind of in a catch 22, I literally can’t drag myself out of this whole atm. My brain is well and truely switched off Iv not spoken to a single person all day.

Life shouldn’t be like this surely