reactions

So this evening i said to my friend, i hate life, like why is it so complicated.

She replied with “well its as complicated as you make it, you control life”…to which i replied we do not control life, situations but we can control our reactions.

My reaction to this mess has to be focused this time, i cant lose a grip and mess my life up, i just cant. How ever i am very scarred i am about to, it what my brain tells me.

So i got thinking that the break up its self, was messy… how ever it was all me, the break up was not me but the situation was made and it was down to me to control to reaction. But i failed miserably, i began perfectly and explaining to her i respect her and was offering her the option. But then it began to go wrong, emotions, lack of sleep and then that feeling…LOVE.

Now love is incredible and life changing but also is uncontrollable, for me losing love is devastating it makes me lose my mind and make me react terrible. My reaction to this whole situation was wrong, my behaviour was all wrong and i let myself down as i make my character look like something it truly is not. But i cant control love. But i know have to live with the regret for ever yet again, i no longer have my soulmate my best friend and it feels may i deserve this all, maybe us splitting up is what i deserve maybe i failed her by worrying to much caring to much, maybe i needed to step back, maybe we needed breaks. But this is all my own doing, i believe everything happens for a reason and i was required to be punished. She is such an amazing young lady she deserves the best and guess she knows it too and believes she can find a better match.

Just the amazing memorises we have her little quirks..this is what i cant get out my head and the waking up to her daily and sharing my life with someone so special and important to me. Its not a bond il ever recreate but its the not a situation i can change and no number of texts or phone calls will ever change that.

Tonight i am at work and have been sick 4 times, due to stress i am stressed to the maximum. My boss is still here and has told me to take the next two days off and rest.

 

I hate how something so special and something so amazing can then become something so sour and something so painful. I have well and truly F**ked this one up. I will pay the price for the rest of my life, she is all i ever wanted and was abso perfection in both mine and my family’s eyes. My Mum has been super today 🙂 she even told me to fix it, which i was expecting different from her. But its a situation out of my control its her that decided the situation i already have reacted wrong, i owe her to react right now and leave her alone.

This is made harder by seeing the reasoning behind the situation and contributing factors, but its not for me to realise its for her too.

 

But as this situation appears i now have to react, correctly, quickly and sensible too.

 

I have caused this and it is all my fault i will probably never see her again..how i long to hold her hand right now.

Losing it

So Iv just got back from the doctors who is refusing to let me go back to work.
I have two weeks to gain weight or I have to see someone….wtf, this is me I stress I don’t eat but not that bad.
My family hate me, I won’t talk to anyone just because I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. They don’t get it, all they say is how can you get like that over a girl. Then I say you don’t no.
Yesterday I tried doing somthing in my room to which I got called an idiot for off my brother as I’m doing it all wrong, this time I didn’t take it, I snapped went mental infact. Then my mum joined in said I’m ridiculous she knew this would happen and that she wouldn’t stick around, she went to say skinny somthing and I went mental, I seen abso red my brother called her an idiot and me a c word and I launched out my room and punched him so hard. Told him never to talk about her like that and he just laughed in my face…I’m a joke.

Mum said why haven’t you runaway to Newcastle like usual, or has Lisa had enough of you like me and Aimee…this really hurt.

I had blood all over me id fallen over and cut my arm as I looked in the mirror Iv not shaved or showered in a week, I am a joke.

I went for a walk last night and sat on the bench in town for 4 hours frozen.

The only person I wanted to talk to was Aimee no one gets it, I’m not a stalker crazy loon just no one gets me like she does.

I am fine, tbh I’m very calm I think I vented what I needed too.

I regret all my choices and I can’t stop punishing myself I won’t eat or drink but why? And walks at 2200 at night is kinda stupid. This is a mess none of this should be happening.

I don’t have anybody, I wish I could just runaway from all these people. I miss my best friend so much, 3 days I thought I could do anything now I can’t be bothered to do anything. Someone help me.

She’s started cutting her self since last week, I don’t want her too please stop it. None of this is your fault and I don’t blame you one little bit, I just miss you like crazy.

Aimee

What do you do, how do you look at things? How do we know that black is black and white is white? Because people tell us, but what is it really?

Me and Aimee had to breakup as her family don’t like me. This has been caused by multiple errors from us both but family love each other and some can forgive and some just can’t.

 

I have had a whole mixture of feelings towards aimee these last few days, anger, love, sadness, annoyance, jealousy and more. I take people’s opinion of me very personally and hate being described as a bad person when I try so hard maybe to hard at times. She has lashed out an called me controlling and manipulate and it hurt me as I just adore her so i decided I didn’t no what to do, I tried my hardest to put it right to talk to her everything humanly possible but she blocked me on everything in space of hours, I had decided I couldn’t do the 8 months again and thought what do I do, people say about ending it it’s a difficult situation maybe it’s an option, people buy the drink or find the pills or drive to the bridge but I wanted to do it, so I do. Did I want to die? No of course not dying scares me but I wanted out of misery, it could of and should of killed me I shouldn’t be allowed to type this message.

But I didn’t try to kill my self because me an aimee finished, I didn’t want to be painted as a bad person again and really didn’t wanna go through months on heart ache. But it’s not aimee’s fault, she has no responsibility she’s not to blame, she was just apart of the situation.

Right now, I’m making silly choices but I’m not falling apart. I’m missing aimee like crazy but I’m calm. I don’t want to talk with anyone but I don’t want to argue or complain. I don’t want to eat or drink but I know why. I don’t want to put on the tv or PlayStation I don’t wanna hide away from stuff. I don’t want to read a self help book because I don’t need too. I don’t wanna get a quick date to feel better. I don’t wanna cry but I do but I am allowed to cry.
Aimee doesn’t get emotional on line, aimee likes to date to help move on, she doesn’t mention me, maybe blames me a little, she like to paint a smile and not shout about the tears…but it doesn’t mean her heart doesn’t hurt as much as mine it doesn’t mean she doesn’t cry with me and it doesn’t mean she loves me any less, the ability to understand that comes from the connection we share.

But I got to put things right with my girl, I also got to realise that my aimee was infact the one my soulmate it wasn’t fake. I get to realise that we love each other to bits even now I know she loves me, my one is aimee J and I’m lucky that she has that title. But I’m not angry at Aimee, I may cry an even now I’m holding them but I will get to go to my grave very confident that she will love me always like I will her. Some people never get that bond, I will think of her every single day, an il always wish she was my girlfriend, my wife and my baby momma but I will never forget her ever. An I would do the whole 8 months again to be able to be feel so loved, to be able to laugh uncontrollably to be able to smile it hurts to have so much love for someone you go mental with out them. It’s a connection I can’t describe or ever repeat. Meeting someone who makes you wanna be an adult, makes you wanna push your limits and experience every single thing the world has to offer…it’s a good feeling 🙂

I’m not sure what I wanted to happen Friday night, but I still think I would have been happier if it had worked, the pain would have gone and I would have felt free.its very hard to explain.

I’m so sorry to everyone Iv ever hurt for being clumsy, I’m sorry to people I put through my crazy moments and I’m sorry to peoples opinions but I don’t care I will always love Aimee.

But overdosing is dangerous and stupid my body hates me right now I’m
Struggling, it’s not an answer to anything trust me. But I want everyone to know no matter what I do or how I act, I am in fact fine.

But to my friends to my family and to my aimee, if you look in the sky and see an aeroplane, no matter what happens or where I am, I will probably be looking at it then too.

 

Blog

I don’t no what to Blog.

Earlier today I sat and thought 15:00 Sunday, this time last week I nervous, shaking to see her. I had the quickest yet best 2 an half hours. We rekindled our love in a second.

This week, I remain in bed still paying for my mistake Friday my body is very delicate. An I just can’t talk to anyone my mum is getting angry but I don’t wanna talk.

I will go and see my doctor tomorrow and get some help to stop me wanting to punish myself, I feel fine just feel I could do with some help.

I received a call today from someone who I thank so much for helping me see her again, but I can’t let him say anything bad about her. It doesn’t matter what she did, it’s ok. It’s me that should be sorry.

 

Overdose

So it’s 0600am and I’m still here I failed.

i took 18 500g paracetamol and I didn’t die. But my paracetamol levels are so high I need treatment and have probably damaged my liver.

they keep asking me why Iv done this all I say is to punish myself for being a terrible person and awful boyfriend.

There concended that Iv not eatten since Tuesday or drunk a drink since Wednesday. Yet I’m fine, I currently have a lot of chest pains and feel light headed but still alive an I’m gutted.

Iv had traumas before and have never taken an overdose before this time is bad, after 2 days in bed not leaving my bed for anything accept the toilet I decided I could not take any more and I need to be punished for making Aimee cry.

i came here on my own as my best friend forced me and I don’t have anyone so I sit alone, blood test I passed out not been great. The “crisis” team have been to see me and want to come back as Iv not promised I won’t try again.

an to top it off my mum found my goodbye note.

i asked my family to not blame anyone especially Aimee but also respect I love her and mainly to tell my dad I hate him, she now posses this 😦

 

This have worked based on my weight and lack of food 😦 I need to be punished I’m sick of messing up.

 

Im sorry I failed

:(

Another day and I can’t move from my bed. I can’t answer any of my calls or texts.

This really hurts, really hurts.

When we meet back up I realised how perfect she is, perfect for me we are like to peas in a pod. Absolute soulmates.

I wanna runaway from Essex with her away from everyone. I want me and her to be happy and then let people accept us, other people’s opinions don’t matter. It’s us that matter I want to come home to my family my Aimee and our family I’m not gonna home to see my twin and Mum everyday. I want to stand at the church and say I do to my soulmate not the next best thing and who ever stands in the church with us is a bonus it’s about me and my bride. I want our first house together we know it will be no where near here so we should just go do it.

So much I wish right now, I know my reaction upset her but it upset me too. Massively. I was just hurting in abso pain.

I just wish for a girlfriend cuddle or the holding of my hand, I miss all this so much. Her voice everything I dream of her all the time.

 

I wish there was a way we could be together I wish there was.

Destroyed

Today my hearts been wripped out and my life destroyed.
We were together 3 days 3 amazing day back in love, we always were. She was smiling away she told me she was so happy but scarred of her family’s reaction.
She stayed last night and I convinced my Mum to accept my choice she told me how much she loved me.
An was excited to tell her brother who said no you have to choose because he hates me for somthing I never did. She has to choose her family ofcourse….but what about me? What’s about us? What about our future?
I was accused of controlling Aimee yet these people are doing it, she In peace’s but they don’t care about that.

My friends are so angry I was treated this way 😢 I’m devistated. I don’t no what I’m gonna do….why would she do this to me? My friend said maybe she wanted me to suffer again maybe she still hates me, but surely not surely she would, surely?

Iv been told off by the police for trying to talk to her. I did nothing wrong I just let her destroy me again and I’m blocked out of her life again dropped so easily 😢 I can’t bounce back anymore I can’t re do all this again 😦 I give up on life Iv had enough it ends now.

She’s all I ever dreamed of and this is so cruel from people who wrongly blamed me and again I pay the price