The moment when

Last week I made a girl cry, I made her cry because she told me I was amazing I had made her smile and how I was one the greatest people she has ever meet…I said well I can’t be because right now there’s only one girl I can still only think about.I told her I was the guy I’m painted to be on blogs I failed and am still failing my ex girlfriend.

I made her cry, I’m about to make another cry who says she’s falling for me…but all I can think of is someone who hates me and then to top it off the one I do love I make her cry too.
I cried last night because I’m sick, I weigh 2pounds more then an anorexic I have had flu for 5 weeks now I can’t run with out being sick I don’t sleep yet I am constantly tired, last night it upset me I let someone make me feel so ill it’s affecting my everyday life, how am I ever gonna do the marathon in this state. 
But unfortunately my words were carried away my emotions were carried away.
I repeat myself over and over and over…now it’s my memories everything I do reminds me of you Aimee, I have been smiling about the memories but I now feel they were all fake the dreams were made up the everything wasn’t real, the only things that seem real is the hospital image I see the visits to A & E the holding hands at the eating clinics the mental health ward this is stuff I remember but no one else does. I read how people don’t talk to her because she tells them she’s ill, no body else in the world would have done what I did yet I am nothing not a thought not a care I’m a nothing. 
I do feel used so do my family, but I’m not allowed to explain it, my mum took her in loved her to peace’s my brother drove her about, we did everything to her yeti don’t deserve not even an adult conversation.
I have been used a blame tool in an illness I’m not responsible for, it’s easy to blame me for food and mental health when really it’s not true. I am not the evil person Iv have made out to be all this is because I cared I cared when she was in hospital when no one else did I did because I loved her I wanted to protect her not rule her yet it’s been twisted and even now I have to ignore her but I can’t why you ask… because I care still because this doesn’t make sense it’s like a movie…yet not a single person can see it from my point of view.
Now visualise this, you love someone so much you want to marry them, you think about them every single day every morning you smile to wake up next to them, you change you whole day to please them you spend all your money to see them smile and it’s not because your controlling them no it’s because you love someone, you watch them cry when there sick you want there illness you wanna take a bullet just to see them smile, you kiss them goodbye and spend a day worrying about there first day not knowing that the kiss was the last you will ever see of her again and last proper conversation. Then your hated your alone you have nothing but a tx saying they feel nothing, then the family turn on you too they blame you, your used to tell the hospital its your fault,friends turn too they agree it’s a good excuse. Before you know you’ve lost everything you try to understand you try to talk but nothing some abuse maybe that’s all, you don’t understand she loved me why now this. It’s constant you go over an over it you blame your self it must be my fault, you hurt yourself you punish yourself you read every book available as your such an awful person. The blogs continue and all your blogs on thoughts are bait to another picture a black one this evil person. You try so hard but no one sees what it’s like on this side, I’m not in hospital so its simple I should just go on dates get a new girlfriend simple…but it’s not because she wasn’t a one night bit fun, she wasn’t a trophy girl she was perfection she was perfect for me, I thought she was my future bride. I cry and I Blog about struggling and I’m told I’m wallowing!!! The feeling I get when I know strangers are more important then me the guy who dragged her to A&E all them months ago, if a new guy msgs on pof it’s more important then me, I would do it all again tomorrow for her and it annoys me I love her yet why am I such a door mat.
I don’t understand how I went from thinking about my wedding day to praying for my funeral.
I just wanna talk like normal adults about rain anything tbh but no 😢
I don’t paint a bad picture she’s unreal incredible I could continue but none of them will describe her, I can’t explain what my heart does when it sees her i can’t explain how much I miss her.
This is a mess and I have to wake up soon surely

changes

My reaction has been totally different this weekend, I read something that I thought was about me and turns out it wasn’t which is really embarrassing but still you deal with it.

My online dating has got me in so much trouble too lol but however has made me realise my value and worth, which has promoted confidence with in me and I am using affectively to contribute to my way of thinking and its really working well.

So she has been on my mind this weekend just over nothing but not in a negative way at all, for the first time ever its been all good iv had a few memories pop in my head but instead of going oh god I smiled and remembered with Hugh admiration for even having the memory in the first place.

Today I went for a walk and was talking about hospital’s and giving away the food your given, reminded me of a night the ex with anorexia asking for a sandwich in the middle of the night and a coffee but gave to me…probably gave the hospital the wrong impression, then got me thinking about something else were talking about kids songs and made me remember times of singing bob the builder in the street with her 🙂 I even smile writing it now and then to top it off I went and brought some pic and mix for work tonight and made me remember the ” I dare you to eat one in the shop” these are such stupid and childish things however they are moments that stick in your mind when you look at positives in people. These are probably the experiences and smiles I wont experience with anybody new or her too but we are still very lucky to have experienced them in the first place.

I read her blog last week and it killed me not to say anything and it was explaining the illness of a very important family member to her and trust me I know more then anyone the value these people have on her life, I have been honoured to meet them and spend time with them and can understand why they are so inspirational to her, but the point I am making is that it puts life in perspective its very short tomorrow is a whole new day and tomorrow I will see a new person I didn’t today or come across a situation I didn’t today our lives change from second to second day to day, my experience this year has taught me a lot about trust, honesty and general attitude so learning is a very important tool and taking all this into account the ability to not blame or hate anyone is important for the little time on this planet we have make sure you don’t fall out with the people who make you smile or once upon a time made you smile, don’t punish people for there choices because once upon a time you would have thanked them.

My biggest regret for 2017 is I will see out the rest of the year never being able to buy someone a coffee and just literally saying you know what… I AM SORRY, that’s all maybe its me but I shared some amazing experience’s that are worth so much more then silly moments or arguments.

We cant change the past situations but we can change today and tomorrow, that’s all I am doing now.

 

2017 so far

so I have made a monumental school boy error lol But never mind I am human we are all going to make them.

So I spent such a long time feeling glum, down and blogging about my past. I would read her blogs and get upset she would not or maybe did realise how broken hearted she made me feel every day and I would bite.

She asked me if I loved her to never msg her again and iv stuck to it, I adore this girl and its what I have to do.

Life has changed so much for each other in last 4 month its been awful and crazy but its life. 4 months ago in 3 days I was with her talking about marriage now we don’t talk iv not seen her in months and everyone else in the whole world is more important then me to her, but I guess I have learnt the valuable lesson that I never held the value to her that she held to me.

How ever this isn’t about bringing up the past, life made this happen you deal with it, I wont lie its a part of my life that caused me the most pain how ever she is also so someone I will never forget for all the bad that is plastered all over and for the devil I am described as we hold some of the most incredible memories just its easier to remember failure instead of success. I have a lot to focus on and some words from her a little while back have stuck in my mind and have really helped me make life choices.

 

Its been the worst year of my life I do anything in the world to change stuff but it is what it is, sick of acting out of character I am a much better person then that trust me I am showing it again sick of “wallowing”.

I wish that she would get better soon and that she had the strength not just to eat her way out of there and starve again. I want her to be happy and she clearly thinks its with anyone else but me so I wish her all the luck in the world. I no longer follow her on anything iv deleted everything I have I no nothing except blogs as I still care.

I say this to Aimee as she did read this, but I am sorry all of this happened two people who did love each other but both hit issues in mental health in very different ways the combination was a bad mix and made this a bad break up instead of a supportive one. I want you to know I don’t care what happened I don’t blame you, I don’t listen to what others say…I know you better then anybody’s comments I always stick up for you. I will always love you and I think about you every single day, I wish things were different I will never ever forget you!

To everyone else think about what people mean to you, don’t be a push over but also think about your actions heat of the moment or not remember how you would feel. I lost every thing I had all because a blog…so please think of the out come because right now there are things I wanna share with her, smiles I wanna make happen, cuddles I wanna hand out advice I wanna give and stuff I need to tell… but unfortunately I am never going to see her again or talk to her again in my life!

 

Don’t make my mistake people.

 

Stay happy, keep going and try live your dreams. Don’t learn the hard way 🙂

 

Happy blogging people.

 

Showing love

I was told if I loved her I would leave her alone…I loved her more then anything in the world so I’m doing it.

Tough but if it’s the only way I can show her how then it’s all I can do. 

How ever, things have changed. I’m not in a stupid mood, I don’t wallow anymore I’m sick of acting a victim life’s shit stuff happens deal with it so I am. I have some flying exams coming up Iv saved loads from all my hard work so I’m about to finish it off now 🙂 I do however keep getting poorly all the time I actually have no voice atm which makes work interesting lol 

Iv Run two 4.5 mile runs this week, having a running partner who’s pushing me hard ready for the marathon I am determine to do it in style lol 

I did read a comment tonight saying I miss people but I know I can’t…part me thinks that’s me, an I wanna say you can miss who you want there are zero rules in this life except the one do what you wanna do not what others tell you and there someone words that really need to be remembered.

But who am I kidding I know deep down it wasn’t aimed at me.

Anyway every enjoy your weekend 🙂 remember do what you wanna do and don’t wallow.

Two things Iv learnt 🙂
Happy blogging folks 

What a day it’s been 

What a day…
Sooo my day lol
I get a rather angry text message from a girl I took out a few times, who thinks the sun shines out my backside as much as I wish it did…it does not. I rather gently told her that she wasn’t the girl I think about…to which she reacted by going to my house lol
Luckily I was at work and she delightfully left me a bday present “to show me how special I am” ohhhh mann what have I done….not my style at all I just can’t like her not sure I can anyone right now.
I then was in the car when we had a smash straight into the centre reservation of the motorway through pure shock I found it hilarious, how ever we could have actually very easily died.
I then read a blog from her, which made me intiching to tell her well done on her bakery trial and how proud I am and that I want to give her that cuddle and tell her everything will be okay more then anything in the world…but I’m not allowed.
And then…… this happens…

I have a place in the marathon, omg it’s incredible I am the jammiest ever. How ever it was Aimee that made me apply one I will actually die and two this is somthing I link to her the good part of our relationship and somthing I dreamed we would experience together, so feeling a bit emotional.

What a rollercoaster day…think I should go to bed now lol
#mystory #notwallowing #trying #yay 

This is why, the true picture

Had to delete my last blog as…I was writing it, I got a text from a lass.
She brought me a bday present and a card, Iv known about this all week but I keep avoiding being able to see her. She says some amazing things about what she thinks of me and how I’m special, she try’s call me couple times a day…blah blah but I don’t show an interest, I’m not sure why.

Tonight she said I can’t get your attention yet a blog from Aimee does a blog that hurts you and begins you self harming yet that gets my attention more then a girl who wants to be with me…
I said she’s right, ya know what at times I hate Aimee, I think she writes stuff knowing she’s gonna upset me, she ignores me as she wants a new boyfriend that’s all….all these comments Iv heard and thought, ya know what the whole lot could be true for all I care.
But Aimee changed my life, she has a heart the size of a jumbo jet 🙈 she helped me deal with my childhood Iv never felt happy talking about it, I felt so happy confident and safe around her. She wanted to be part of my family she embraced it my family adore her even now I still get asked about her my friends too the ones o value always ask and my colleges as they knew what she did for me.

Iv painted pictures of a mean person at times, maybe she hasn’t reacted the right way maybe her family didn’t either but then I didn’t either, but none of any of that matters, I witnessed for months every single part of anorexia, I seen what affect it has on the brain, on the body, on loved ones it affected us all, but it affected this beautiful girl, it stole her identity it stole her body it stole her mind and it stole her life. No body in the world done anything wrong everybody did there best herself, my self her brother her parents everyone. But it’s not an illness you can take pills for it’s and illness that the more you fight it the harder it is but no fight and you get no results it will be a part of her life for ever…but it’s just a tiny peace of a girl who has so much to give.

I have cried, I done stupid things to kill myself hurt myself. I do feel responsible but that’s my mentality.
But a picture needs to be painted of a true angel, I will never ever forget her… I had the experience of my life with this girl. I would literally have taken the illness off of her if I could and still would.
I’d love to buy her a coffee now tell her I’m sorry. I wanna shake her brothers hand and apologise for being a tool I wanna shake her dads hand and thank him for raising someone who will be the best memory of my life.
For all the crazy people on her dating site they are all missing a true gem!!! Perfection one guy will marry her one day and he will live my dream. But I had my chance and anorexia won.
I made so many mistakes on this journey but they are remembered none of the good things I did.
But I mean no harm, I miss her everyday no one will ever compare to her, but she hates me because I didn’t just walk away…but you don’t when you love someone. Never tell anyone you wanna spend rest your life with them if you literally wouldn’t do everything in your body to try not to lose them when you lose everything around you and your dignity.

It’s a once in a life time feeling…I was always gonna fight.
Anyway bday over now… feels better. Even tho we went away a year ago today lol 
Keep battling your own battle, it’s doesn’t need to be a disease or a visual illness everyone has a battle never judge anyone else’s.
#mybattle #missmylife #cantwallow y

Getting annoyed 

If I wake up to one more message like that again I’m gonna flip.This blog is not to “wallow” but I am f**king sick and tired of it now. If it’s not one thing it’s another if it’s not one person it’s another.

This is all related to my useless dad, he has sent me some awful msgs today and got others to as well as he is now in financial problems and I “have to” help.

I work every single day, if I’m not at job 1 I Work job 2 it keeps me busy and saves me money I work so hard I’m shattered all the time but it’s for me…but apparently that means I have to help.

He is guilt tripping me and knows it will work…I’m close to giving him all my savings to get rid of him but then all my hard work will be wasted, how ever my life will be easier.
The guy has zero idea what’s been happening in my life he doesn’t no what’s happened at all, these are the moments I wish I had her around. She massively helped me in this situation.
My heads killing me, this week has been crazy it’s gotten out of hand and it’s all because of him, everything is because of him. I F**king hate him.

I wish the weekend was over already, dreading it 😦 

I have zero right to blog and let my frustration out it’s nothing compared to others…but I’m getting really annoyed!!