So this evening i said to my friend, i hate life, like why is it so complicated.
She replied with “well its as complicated as you make it, you control life”…to which i replied we do not control life, situations but we can control our reactions.
My reaction to this mess has to be focused this time, i cant lose a grip and mess my life up, i just cant. How ever i am very scarred i am about to, it what my brain tells me.
So i got thinking that the break up its self, was messy… how ever it was all me, the break up was not me but the situation was made and it was down to me to control to reaction. But i failed miserably, i began perfectly and explaining to her i respect her and was offering her the option. But then it began to go wrong, emotions, lack of sleep and then that feeling…LOVE.
Now love is incredible and life changing but also is uncontrollable, for me losing love is devastating it makes me lose my mind and make me react terrible. My reaction to this whole situation was wrong, my behaviour was all wrong and i let myself down as i make my character look like something it truly is not. But i cant control love. But i know have to live with the regret for ever yet again, i no longer have my soulmate my best friend and it feels may i deserve this all, maybe us splitting up is what i deserve maybe i failed her by worrying to much caring to much, maybe i needed to step back, maybe we needed breaks. But this is all my own doing, i believe everything happens for a reason and i was required to be punished. She is such an amazing young lady she deserves the best and guess she knows it too and believes she can find a better match.
Just the amazing memorises we have her little quirks..this is what i cant get out my head and the waking up to her daily and sharing my life with someone so special and important to me. Its not a bond il ever recreate but its the not a situation i can change and no number of texts or phone calls will ever change that.
Tonight i am at work and have been sick 4 times, due to stress i am stressed to the maximum. My boss is still here and has told me to take the next two days off and rest.
I hate how something so special and something so amazing can then become something so sour and something so painful. I have well and truly F**ked this one up. I will pay the price for the rest of my life, she is all i ever wanted and was abso perfection in both mine and my family’s eyes. My Mum has been super today 🙂 she even told me to fix it, which i was expecting different from her. But its a situation out of my control its her that decided the situation i already have reacted wrong, i owe her to react right now and leave her alone.
This is made harder by seeing the reasoning behind the situation and contributing factors, but its not for me to realise its for her too.
But as this situation appears i now have to react, correctly, quickly and sensible too.
I have caused this and it is all my fault i will probably never see her again..how i long to hold her hand right now.