reactions

So this evening i said to my friend, i hate life, like why is it so complicated.

She replied with “well its as complicated as you make it, you control life”…to which i replied we do not control life, situations but we can control our reactions.

My reaction to this mess has to be focused this time, i cant lose a grip and mess my life up, i just cant. How ever i am very scarred i am about to, it what my brain tells me.

So i got thinking that the break up its self, was messy… how ever it was all me, the break up was not me but the situation was made and it was down to me to control to reaction. But i failed miserably, i began perfectly and explaining to her i respect her and was offering her the option. But then it began to go wrong, emotions, lack of sleep and then that feeling…LOVE.

Now love is incredible and life changing but also is uncontrollable, for me losing love is devastating it makes me lose my mind and make me react terrible. My reaction to this whole situation was wrong, my behaviour was all wrong and i let myself down as i make my character look like something it truly is not. But i cant control love. But i know have to live with the regret for ever yet again, i no longer have my soulmate my best friend and it feels may i deserve this all, maybe us splitting up is what i deserve maybe i failed her by worrying to much caring to much, maybe i needed to step back, maybe we needed breaks. But this is all my own doing, i believe everything happens for a reason and i was required to be punished. She is such an amazing young lady she deserves the best and guess she knows it too and believes she can find a better match.

Just the amazing memorises we have her little quirks..this is what i cant get out my head and the waking up to her daily and sharing my life with someone so special and important to me. Its not a bond il ever recreate but its the not a situation i can change and no number of texts or phone calls will ever change that.

Tonight i am at work and have been sick 4 times, due to stress i am stressed to the maximum. My boss is still here and has told me to take the next two days off and rest.

 

I hate how something so special and something so amazing can then become something so sour and something so painful. I have well and truly F**ked this one up. I will pay the price for the rest of my life, she is all i ever wanted and was abso perfection in both mine and my family’s eyes. My Mum has been super today 🙂 she even told me to fix it, which i was expecting different from her. But its a situation out of my control its her that decided the situation i already have reacted wrong, i owe her to react right now and leave her alone.

This is made harder by seeing the reasoning behind the situation and contributing factors, but its not for me to realise its for her too.

 

But as this situation appears i now have to react, correctly, quickly and sensible too.

 

I have caused this and it is all my fault i will probably never see her again..how i long to hold her hand right now.

Broken

I’m devastated right now

My life is crumbling apart, Iv lost my girlfriend my best friend.
Someone who made me smile, new my life, someone who got me and I got her.
We dreamed together and planned together.
We stuck by while she struggled with a very serious illness.
We drunk together we ate together we brought sweets and shopped together.
We played games and enjoyed the sea side together.
We planned our wedding and talked about our family.
She stole my heart and no one can ever take it back, she stole my mind and I love it. She stole the heart of family and my friends for perfection and attitude towards me.
She stole my life is the best way ever.

Know she’s in trouble, she’s sick in hospital and I can’t see her, I can’t hold her hand like I did everyday I can’t stroke her hair like I did at night I can’t dry her tears like we have before.
I now feel empty, lost and alone. I don’t want anything in life but to be by her side I don’t want any dreams except the ones I share with her.
I don’t want my health as much as I want hers.

I don’t want anything from life but to be able to spend it with my best friend.

I was her other half and she is mine, right now I’m missing half of me and I miss my other half.
My tears stream down my face as I look at a white wall and prey for her health and dream to be by her side.

Im broken

What am I doing lol

What am I doing.

So tonight as per every night I’m wide awake. My minds wandering, Iv Googled everything from new jobs, to a job for my ex girlfriend in Newcastle lol to houses, to me wanting by a new car to me booking a holiday for myself for tomorrow…I’m on the verge of doing somit kinda crazy, but I’m sure afterwards I would regret wasting my money Iv worked so hard to save.

I really really miss aimee, would actually offer my right leg to be able to be able to have her back in my world, but people’s advice is driving me nuts, Iv been told everything…people think it’s a fairytale I’m sure it’s not it’s just the Jamie adventures there bloody mental.

So last night, I took my top off walked past the mirror and had to double back…I looked ill I’m so skinny, I hate being slim but I looked awful I can’t share anymore information then that but unlike aimee it makes me sick to look this way, it’s only been a week with no food. But my god I can feel the affects I’m beginning to live something that I can’t believe so today Iv ate everything in sight drunk everything been to the shops to buy more too I can not let myself get into this state.

So I took a picture before I shaved off the mess on my face (trimmed) as it was so long and I thought I would look better…how ever the picture has made me realise the mess I look. A weeks worth of neglect and I look the worst Iv ever looked I was abso shocked it was not what I expected to see, the beard hid the state of me.

 

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Even looking now I’m a total mess. It’s crazy how easily you can destroy yourself, I’m trying to sort everything out now. I’m not talking to my family, I’m feeling so lonely and I feel physically ill all the time but I will eat my way back to health.

But people thanks for the advice but I love her so much I don’t wanna push her even further away. I just have to dream and prey she will one day say hello again. To everyone I will try fix this and to my brain stop thinking crazy thoughts.

Losing it

So Iv just got back from the doctors who is refusing to let me go back to work.
I have two weeks to gain weight or I have to see someone….wtf, this is me I stress I don’t eat but not that bad.
My family hate me, I won’t talk to anyone just because I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. They don’t get it, all they say is how can you get like that over a girl. Then I say you don’t no.
Yesterday I tried doing somthing in my room to which I got called an idiot for off my brother as I’m doing it all wrong, this time I didn’t take it, I snapped went mental infact. Then my mum joined in said I’m ridiculous she knew this would happen and that she wouldn’t stick around, she went to say skinny somthing and I went mental, I seen abso red my brother called her an idiot and me a c word and I launched out my room and punched him so hard. Told him never to talk about her like that and he just laughed in my face…I’m a joke.

Mum said why haven’t you runaway to Newcastle like usual, or has Lisa had enough of you like me and Aimee…this really hurt.

I had blood all over me id fallen over and cut my arm as I looked in the mirror Iv not shaved or showered in a week, I am a joke.

I went for a walk last night and sat on the bench in town for 4 hours frozen.

The only person I wanted to talk to was Aimee no one gets it, I’m not a stalker crazy loon just no one gets me like she does.

I am fine, tbh I’m very calm I think I vented what I needed too.

I regret all my choices and I can’t stop punishing myself I won’t eat or drink but why? And walks at 2200 at night is kinda stupid. This is a mess none of this should be happening.

I don’t have anybody, I wish I could just runaway from all these people. I miss my best friend so much, 3 days I thought I could do anything now I can’t be bothered to do anything. Someone help me.

She’s started cutting her self since last week, I don’t want her too please stop it. None of this is your fault and I don’t blame you one little bit, I just miss you like crazy.

Aimee

What do you do, how do you look at things? How do we know that black is black and white is white? Because people tell us, but what is it really?

Me and Aimee had to breakup as her family don’t like me. This has been caused by multiple errors from us both but family love each other and some can forgive and some just can’t.

 

I have had a whole mixture of feelings towards aimee these last few days, anger, love, sadness, annoyance, jealousy and more. I take people’s opinion of me very personally and hate being described as a bad person when I try so hard maybe to hard at times. She has lashed out an called me controlling and manipulate and it hurt me as I just adore her so i decided I didn’t no what to do, I tried my hardest to put it right to talk to her everything humanly possible but she blocked me on everything in space of hours, I had decided I couldn’t do the 8 months again and thought what do I do, people say about ending it it’s a difficult situation maybe it’s an option, people buy the drink or find the pills or drive to the bridge but I wanted to do it, so I do. Did I want to die? No of course not dying scares me but I wanted out of misery, it could of and should of killed me I shouldn’t be allowed to type this message.

But I didn’t try to kill my self because me an aimee finished, I didn’t want to be painted as a bad person again and really didn’t wanna go through months on heart ache. But it’s not aimee’s fault, she has no responsibility she’s not to blame, she was just apart of the situation.

Right now, I’m making silly choices but I’m not falling apart. I’m missing aimee like crazy but I’m calm. I don’t want to talk with anyone but I don’t want to argue or complain. I don’t want to eat or drink but I know why. I don’t want to put on the tv or PlayStation I don’t wanna hide away from stuff. I don’t want to read a self help book because I don’t need too. I don’t wanna get a quick date to feel better. I don’t wanna cry but I do but I am allowed to cry.
Aimee doesn’t get emotional on line, aimee likes to date to help move on, she doesn’t mention me, maybe blames me a little, she like to paint a smile and not shout about the tears…but it doesn’t mean her heart doesn’t hurt as much as mine it doesn’t mean she doesn’t cry with me and it doesn’t mean she loves me any less, the ability to understand that comes from the connection we share.

But I got to put things right with my girl, I also got to realise that my aimee was infact the one my soulmate it wasn’t fake. I get to realise that we love each other to bits even now I know she loves me, my one is aimee J and I’m lucky that she has that title. But I’m not angry at Aimee, I may cry an even now I’m holding them but I will get to go to my grave very confident that she will love me always like I will her. Some people never get that bond, I will think of her every single day, an il always wish she was my girlfriend, my wife and my baby momma but I will never forget her ever. An I would do the whole 8 months again to be able to be feel so loved, to be able to laugh uncontrollably to be able to smile it hurts to have so much love for someone you go mental with out them. It’s a connection I can’t describe or ever repeat. Meeting someone who makes you wanna be an adult, makes you wanna push your limits and experience every single thing the world has to offer…it’s a good feeling 🙂

I’m not sure what I wanted to happen Friday night, but I still think I would have been happier if it had worked, the pain would have gone and I would have felt free.its very hard to explain.

I’m so sorry to everyone Iv ever hurt for being clumsy, I’m sorry to people I put through my crazy moments and I’m sorry to peoples opinions but I don’t care I will always love Aimee.

But overdosing is dangerous and stupid my body hates me right now I’m
Struggling, it’s not an answer to anything trust me. But I want everyone to know no matter what I do or how I act, I am in fact fine.

But to my friends to my family and to my aimee, if you look in the sky and see an aeroplane, no matter what happens or where I am, I will probably be looking at it then too.

 

Blog

I don’t no what to Blog.

Earlier today I sat and thought 15:00 Sunday, this time last week I nervous, shaking to see her. I had the quickest yet best 2 an half hours. We rekindled our love in a second.

This week, I remain in bed still paying for my mistake Friday my body is very delicate. An I just can’t talk to anyone my mum is getting angry but I don’t wanna talk.

I will go and see my doctor tomorrow and get some help to stop me wanting to punish myself, I feel fine just feel I could do with some help.

I received a call today from someone who I thank so much for helping me see her again, but I can’t let him say anything bad about her. It doesn’t matter what she did, it’s ok. It’s me that should be sorry.

 

Don’t paint me again

I’m feeling really ill and it’s self inflicted. My body really hurts. I’m so lonely too.

I need to say my blogs aren’t to make any feel guilty at all, I’m the guilty one not anyone else.

I’m not controlling or manipulative though at all, I accepted something that should never have been the outcome anyway. But I’m a human being I wanted to try anything to not lose my soulmate I was gonna marry her 12 hours before….again. Surely that’s understandable I waited 8months to tell her I love her.
Now I know everyone is saying I’m x y and z but I’m really not I’m just a guy who’s totally in love with this lass.

We can’t be together but we could been mates, I could have helped her smile and left her spare time busy.

But all a sudden she hates me again, this is her BPD and others telling her how awful I am isn’t fair, no one seen aimee happy like I did Sunday Monday and Tuesday! I just want forgiveness we shouldn’t be like this at all.

I love her that’s my only crime I love her to peace’s