Proud of my past

This is a kinda reply to someone’s blog…no prizes for guessing who lol

I wanted to blog about a feeling I go last night, again. It’s the feeling of regret, disappointment…the feeling of loss. My friend told me big secret about him starting a family, so pleased for him but quicker then gratitude my heart sank.
His getting married which that feeling makes my heart sink too…why you ask?
That’s because I thought I would have been engaged right now, I should be moving out this year and I want to be a Dad but their is literally only one person I want to and have her thought about experiencing it with that’s my beautiful ex, but because of an illness I don’t think il ever see her again 😦

Today she blogged her regret, this is my response… you don’t need to have regret, life throws challenges at us, as a couple we were jinxed as we received more challenges early on then people experience in a life time. This challenge though it got to you, it changed you with out you realising, mental health is serious and Uncontrollable. Through out all of this situation I remained hopeful to Aimee in the sense that anorexia had made this girl I didn’t recognise but remained strong at Aimee, people hated me, my family didn’t understand me but they didn’t know Aimee like I did, in the time we were together we instantly clicked and got each other and understood so much about the other. So I knew that this wasn’t my Aimee this was her illness I maybe would have appreciated other people’s understanding but no one gets it accept Jamie and Aimee. To see your steps forward still make me the proudest man on this planet I smile when you smile and cry when you cry. It pains me that your in pain and joys me with your success.
I don’t expect you will ever let me back into your life, but it will never stop me being proud of you and happy to have meet my soulmate and been in love with you.

I am 31 and want to settle down, I wanna get married and start a family, it’s a shame I don’t think anymore it’s gonna be with my best friend and soulmate.

But I want her and the whole wide world to know, I am so proud of her and she owes me zero apologies.

I have learnt so much and changed so much it’s just a shame we can’t share it together to be even better.

Life is a strange old thing!

Love

Today has been frustrating, I can’t bare being painted into a monster. People are sharing there story’s of being abused and comparing them to hers, I’m not like that in any shape or form. But I’m a strong believer and was willing to try everything in the name of love…even if my attempts were kinda clumsy.

I have love in side of me that is so strong it’s made me cry, it made me suicidal and it made daily routines impossible…love is a powerful feeling.
The reason we fall in love is down to person you fall in love with, you can have a connection with people some sexually some intellectually…but a connection that causes you to lose control at times and causes you to be the happiest ever and sometimes saddest is a connection that not many people ever truely experience.
My experience was crazy, for me my love is based on this…
The instant connection with a stranger who instantly isn’t a stranger, the speed in which your friendship develops with out a day feeling like it’s gone by. It’s about sharing you deepest darkest and personally secrets with someone who holds your hand and says “you’ve got me now” it’s the little things, it’s the going to a restaurant and picking each other’s food, it’s the sharing of dinner with out asking, it’s drinks being ordered by choice for each other, it’s the small things. It’s when she turns up at your house with your both favourite stash of sweets and fizzy pop. It’s the way you sit across from each other and bully each other alone and infront of others, while holding hands or cuddling. It’s about doing crazy things, laying outside in the cold watching stars or looking aeroplanes in the dark (personal thing) it’s about being tired but being tired together. It’s about caring so much what the other persons family think, it’s about watching her interact with your family and them falling in love with her too. It’s about falling asleep with her and talking about your future your dreams your family. It’s about walking through shops and imagining your future it’s about planning your future it’s about wanting no one in your further but them.
It’s about holding there hand, it’s about crying when they cry, it’s about going out of your mind trying anything to see them better. It’s about not wanting them to die, to sit with them in hospitals but be scarred and try to help but not know how to then you mess up, but you keep trying.
It’s about losing them…but fighting for there love, losing your dignity and self respect in the honour of your love. It’s about spending everyday wishing it was a dream thinking of anything that could fix it, it’s about taking the blame and taking it again. It’s about gulping when she dates a new man because you still your bride.
It’s about not wanting to replace ever, it’s about not being able to replace.
It’s called true love, I will never witness again and I don’t want too. Because I was born into this world to me the most incredible girl in the world and I not only meet her I got to spend 14 months with this angel, I got to experience what I was born for that’s the word “LOVE” that four letter word when used properly, is crazy, unpredictable but most of all powerful.