Showing love

I was told if I loved her I would leave her alone…I loved her more then anything in the world so I’m doing it.

Tough but if it’s the only way I can show her how then it’s all I can do. 

How ever, things have changed. I’m not in a stupid mood, I don’t wallow anymore I’m sick of acting a victim life’s shit stuff happens deal with it so I am. I have some flying exams coming up Iv saved loads from all my hard work so I’m about to finish it off now 🙂 I do however keep getting poorly all the time I actually have no voice atm which makes work interesting lol 

Iv Run two 4.5 mile runs this week, having a running partner who’s pushing me hard ready for the marathon I am determine to do it in style lol 

I did read a comment tonight saying I miss people but I know I can’t…part me thinks that’s me, an I wanna say you can miss who you want there are zero rules in this life except the one do what you wanna do not what others tell you and there someone words that really need to be remembered.

But who am I kidding I know deep down it wasn’t aimed at me.

Anyway every enjoy your weekend 🙂 remember do what you wanna do and don’t wallow.

Two things Iv learnt 🙂
Happy blogging folks 

What a day it’s been 

What a day…
Sooo my day lol
I get a rather angry text message from a girl I took out a few times, who thinks the sun shines out my backside as much as I wish it did…it does not. I rather gently told her that she wasn’t the girl I think about…to which she reacted by going to my house lol
Luckily I was at work and she delightfully left me a bday present “to show me how special I am” ohhhh mann what have I done….not my style at all I just can’t like her not sure I can anyone right now.
I then was in the car when we had a smash straight into the centre reservation of the motorway through pure shock I found it hilarious, how ever we could have actually very easily died.
I then read a blog from her, which made me intiching to tell her well done on her bakery trial and how proud I am and that I want to give her that cuddle and tell her everything will be okay more then anything in the world…but I’m not allowed.
And then…… this happens…

I have a place in the marathon, omg it’s incredible I am the jammiest ever. How ever it was Aimee that made me apply one I will actually die and two this is somthing I link to her the good part of our relationship and somthing I dreamed we would experience together, so feeling a bit emotional.

What a rollercoaster day…think I should go to bed now lol
#mystory #notwallowing #trying #yay 

This is why, the true picture

Had to delete my last blog as…I was writing it, I got a text from a lass.
She brought me a bday present and a card, Iv known about this all week but I keep avoiding being able to see her. She says some amazing things about what she thinks of me and how I’m special, she try’s call me couple times a day…blah blah but I don’t show an interest, I’m not sure why.

Tonight she said I can’t get your attention yet a blog from Aimee does a blog that hurts you and begins you self harming yet that gets my attention more then a girl who wants to be with me…
I said she’s right, ya know what at times I hate Aimee, I think she writes stuff knowing she’s gonna upset me, she ignores me as she wants a new boyfriend that’s all….all these comments Iv heard and thought, ya know what the whole lot could be true for all I care.
But Aimee changed my life, she has a heart the size of a jumbo jet 🙈 she helped me deal with my childhood Iv never felt happy talking about it, I felt so happy confident and safe around her. She wanted to be part of my family she embraced it my family adore her even now I still get asked about her my friends too the ones o value always ask and my colleges as they knew what she did for me.

Iv painted pictures of a mean person at times, maybe she hasn’t reacted the right way maybe her family didn’t either but then I didn’t either, but none of any of that matters, I witnessed for months every single part of anorexia, I seen what affect it has on the brain, on the body, on loved ones it affected us all, but it affected this beautiful girl, it stole her identity it stole her body it stole her mind and it stole her life. No body in the world done anything wrong everybody did there best herself, my self her brother her parents everyone. But it’s not an illness you can take pills for it’s and illness that the more you fight it the harder it is but no fight and you get no results it will be a part of her life for ever…but it’s just a tiny peace of a girl who has so much to give.

I have cried, I done stupid things to kill myself hurt myself. I do feel responsible but that’s my mentality.
But a picture needs to be painted of a true angel, I will never ever forget her… I had the experience of my life with this girl. I would literally have taken the illness off of her if I could and still would.
I’d love to buy her a coffee now tell her I’m sorry. I wanna shake her brothers hand and apologise for being a tool I wanna shake her dads hand and thank him for raising someone who will be the best memory of my life.
For all the crazy people on her dating site they are all missing a true gem!!! Perfection one guy will marry her one day and he will live my dream. But I had my chance and anorexia won.
I made so many mistakes on this journey but they are remembered none of the good things I did.
But I mean no harm, I miss her everyday no one will ever compare to her, but she hates me because I didn’t just walk away…but you don’t when you love someone. Never tell anyone you wanna spend rest your life with them if you literally wouldn’t do everything in your body to try not to lose them when you lose everything around you and your dignity.

It’s a once in a life time feeling…I was always gonna fight.
Anyway bday over now… feels better. Even tho we went away a year ago today lol 
Keep battling your own battle, it’s doesn’t need to be a disease or a visual illness everyone has a battle never judge anyone else’s.
#mybattle #missmylife #cantwallow y

Getting annoyed 

If I wake up to one more message like that again I’m gonna flip.This blog is not to “wallow” but I am f**king sick and tired of it now. If it’s not one thing it’s another if it’s not one person it’s another.

This is all related to my useless dad, he has sent me some awful msgs today and got others to as well as he is now in financial problems and I “have to” help.

I work every single day, if I’m not at job 1 I Work job 2 it keeps me busy and saves me money I work so hard I’m shattered all the time but it’s for me…but apparently that means I have to help.

He is guilt tripping me and knows it will work…I’m close to giving him all my savings to get rid of him but then all my hard work will be wasted, how ever my life will be easier.
The guy has zero idea what’s been happening in my life he doesn’t no what’s happened at all, these are the moments I wish I had her around. She massively helped me in this situation.
My heads killing me, this week has been crazy it’s gotten out of hand and it’s all because of him, everything is because of him. I F**king hate him.

I wish the weekend was over already, dreading it 😦 

I have zero right to blog and let my frustration out it’s nothing compared to others…but I’m getting really annoyed!! 

Not much left 

Today was weird.
But I can’t take any more, I cancelled my date tonight. I’m gone. My minds gone.

The last week or two have been right back to square one, seeing her online dating has pushed me over the edge.

I can’t bare it intact.

I have been blogging again just speaking my thoughts and they back fire she calls me the past and how I paint a picture of a bitch….she has no idea the picture I paint of her. I point out everything yeah it comes across bad it is the truth but it’s not the picture I can paint.

I read how she so lonely she talks anyone and how she wants this that and the other and I know it’s not what she wants and it’s probs to hurt me even more but it does it kills me. I sat in Hyde park today it was packed but I just starred into space feeling lost I am lost, Iv lost everything I ever dreamed of…for the life of me can’t think what I did 😢 I can’t stop cutting myself atm but it’s not enough, I wanted to drive into a lorry on the way home or prayed the underground would crash, stepping out in the street deliberately, I ignore everyone’s calls my family, lisa my friends everyone I don’t tx anyone back Iv had enough.

I hate me, I hate what Iv done to Aimee every second of everyday I hate me, I don’t know what I did but it must have been awful and I still continue to do it, I thought I’d be spending my birthday with her instead I don’t wanna make it to 31. I hate how it’s my fault she’s ill, I hate it’s my fault she’s sad, it’s my fault she’s lonely, it’s all my fault. I wanna say sorry but even that I mess up.
I messed up in the past but was a different person I wanted to make a Mense I thought I was helping her 😦 I clearly didn’t do enough or do it good enough 😦
I hate me…no one will notice me gone!!!! I can’t carry on with this guilt it’s destroying me.
I’m sorry isn’t enough but I am 😢I’m so sorry 😢 
Will this ever end 😢 

And again 

That my mood gone again 😦
I have pizza in front me an don’t want it, I’m in bed on time off because I’m now fed up.
Why is this happening? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? 
Why am I being made to suffer?
This is the worst feeling ever 😦 I can’t explain it, but I have to try continue a life too, I still have to go to work, try and meet new people do normally day stuff.
I don’t want do anything, people don’t realise how much power they hold they can change people’s lives…but they decide that your misery is what they want.
I can’t imagine having so much power 😦
I just know after 3 months I’m sick of these bloody days!!!
This has to be a stupid dream 

Day2-The good, bad and ugly

So day2 is a little late lol

The good about me, I have a big heart I care massively about others and will put others first and do anything for others.

I work hard, I’m extremely passionate about my future and will work every hour I can to help support my dreams.

The bad, I have poor time keeping haha I turned out to a date once so late and got lost then continued that for 3 more dates lol I care so much about what people think of me, I don’t make eatting and sleeping an important part of life till I am exhausted.

The ugly, I worry (anxiety) it ruined the guy I am, it’s what makes me unproud of myself. My worry has lost me my ex partner which has made me unhappy, as a result I now hate life tbh. I blame myself for every single thing that has happened and what is happening. I read every sad blog and blame myself, I see pics of us happy and blame me for ruining it I think about why I’m ignored and think I deserve it. This whole mess is all my fault. It’s all because of worry, if I didn’t worry or didn’t show it people would hate me. I cause my own unhappiness.

It’s the reason I hate being me…I seen some horrific crashes recently and still think I deserve to be the people suffering not them, I’m such a bad person.
But anyway, I can’t change me. Sorry for the delay lol 
Happy blogging everyone