stop asking why!

(this is a massive blog…sorry)

 

So i keep getting asked why?

Jamie, why do you care? why do you look? why do you listen? why do you keep persisting? why do you get so fed up? why do you let her bother you?

So many why’s but i get them all the time, i could try and explain why…but not one person will ever understand. What makes this more difficult is the way i am making myself look to the out side world and the way this then makes me feel.

So i am going to try my best to explain, to help me get it out….

The reason i have been trying my best to contact her is… i love her, i meet this girl may 19th 2016… a very Jamie moment happened, but made the date very memorable and would have been a story we always remembered. We started slowly, it was made difficult by other guys she had been with, but it still turned into a relationship, at times it was great at others not soo…how ever this was normal. We split and got back together more then the normal but we never really gave up on us… but it was her reaction to bad things happening, but its okay we always came back stronger…then the last time was a while there were alot of guys in between this and what brought us back together this time..was devastating.

We were brought together by me taking her to hospital after she had overdosed and didnt feel well, we had not been close for a while and this was her moment of need for me…i was not going to let her down, this was the moment i realised i loved her and also began a journey no human beings should ever have to experience.

I witnessed and held her hand through her wanting to end her life so much she took the tablets, she did not talk about or threaten she took them did it and could have died accidentally, what hit me was when the nurses wired her up and she took her top off… i adore this girl and have seen her body before however…this time i could look at her, i nearly threw up i couldnt look, i witnessed what she had done to her body and it looked unreal, her head was on someone else body, little did i know this was the start of it. Our lifes turned into doctors, nurses, blood tests, hospitals, eating schools, care workers…i can continue and everyone of these appointments was tough for me but even more so for her too.

What sticks in my mind was she walked to an appointment and her illness was so bad on taking her observations they were so low, she was sent to hospital her family couldnt take her so i came and took her. This trip sticks in my mind, she passed out on them taking blood but she had blood taken a million times, her arms looked like she abused drugs she was covered in bruises from blood tests, she passed out and was wheeled out on a bed, i was terrified we were battling this fight as a team yet also falling in love which each other all over again but this time it felt real more serious, to battle what we were together was something out of the norm and we were giving it a good go.

This night in hospital her machine would stop bleeping as her heart rate was so low she was so ill her organs had shrunk, a nurse even said out loud no way is that her heart rate (this filled us with confidence) this night i held her hand lay on her bed with her she didnt want to be alone and her family couldnt come, i stayed till i was thrown out but Aimee didnt realise how serious it was, as the well being one i sat and watched i could see the seriousness, i was watching my loved one step closer to death it was hard. I went to the car park to get ticket…i remember calling my friend and crying down the phone it was heart breaking but i had to remain strong for her.

I then remember taking the text asking me to be with aimee as they had found her a bed, me and aimee never believed this would happen or more we didnt want too. I was devastated and she didnt talk about it when she knew she made me an amazing dinner but was annoyed i hadnt eaten it lol

We made it to the wedding and this was the point i realised i wanted to marry this girl it was the greatest experience of my life, iv never laughed with someone so much never smiled so much and never experienced something so special with a group of people in my life.

Then hospital one happened, leaving aimee in hospital after i dropped her off was heart breaking no one will ever understand the feelings and emotions i had that day…i cried my heart out all the way home it was awful, but this hospital changed aimee. The depression changed her.. I witnessed her shouting at staff, running away, attempting suicide again her moods were really bad and aimee i know would never shout at anyone.

But with this became arguments it began to affect us, i picked her up for her familys friend funeral having had little sleep and was working nights, while she went to the toilet the staff explained she had to take a packed lunch or she couldnt leave, i explained i would put in the car and explain to her on our journey but unfortunately they told her… she ran out the hospital screaming ran to my car to find the lunch box and threw it across the car park to which i collected and threw in the boot. The whole journey she was shouting and crying at me or not saying anything this was the first sign for me Aimee had gone this broke my heart but as she was sick she had zero idea.

I was in communication with her hospital they called me regular as they wanted to update me on stuff and tried to invite me to groups to help support her, she hated this as she thought i was controlling here when i was just caring for my girlfriend.

She left for a new hospital and i was scarred she was leaving to come home to mine and die i was concerned if it took ages to find a new place she could die, but when telling her this she went off it again saying i didnt trust her believe her when it wasnt the case i was worried but this again showed how much this illness had gripped her. During this journey she tried to jump out the car at 60MPH we both nearly died, this illness was serious 😦 it was killing me to see her this way.

She came back to mine and food times were hard she would struggle at picking food and her frustration would come out on me, but you take it because you love them and would want them to understand for you. The last argument was i asked for us to not argue, she went mad run off in Sainsburys i tried to calm her down but had to leave as she was going to scream in the shop, i finally got her to calm down and after 10mins this moment had passed, it was draining…but it was annie not Aimee.

We had the greatest weekend ever, to the point we had looked at engagement rings. We were both pretty sure that we wanted to be together we had ups and downs but we were weirdly very solid and soulmates we got each other like nothing else.

But i said goodbye one Wednesday before work, i worried as she didnt say anything that day i was scarred for her…then it all changed she gave up on me, everything above had been forgotten and she no longer needed me or wanted me.

I couldnt understand this and her family turned against me, they began to blame my help it wasnt good enough and i shouted back in frustration, i had lost everything for zero reason the girl was sick no wanted to help support us as a couple and annie was telling Aimee and her family stuck by her decision, yet they didnt realise Aimee couldnt make any decision she was so ill which costa took hours or should she do costa etc.

People began to say she doesnt want you build a bridge, but it wasnt that Aimee who i stood next to in ireland would have never had done that or if she had been more civil to me done it as a mate as were best friends too. I knew this was anorexia and i had read this was normal she would push people away.

Then she began dating it killed me, my love was dating why? it is to get over me and not be lonely, but she couldnt see it was destroying me i loved her like i did when i took her to hospital yet as she got sick i became the problem i was evil i kept msging but yes i did because i believed in Aimee this was not her, i know the true Aimee and reading her blog makes me realise how sick she is.

I read how she liked one guys and now how a different one offers advice about how we couldn’t have been soulmates or we would be together or how one got a night with her then ignored her…yet im the one whos been removed from her life…. Yet would any of them stayed with her when she was struggling so bad she wanted to jump out of the car or wanted to die, or baked with her every day as it made her happy? would they have sat her mum down and explained her daughter was sick? would anyone have done what i did?

I dont think so, yet there all amazing and im nothing, so my outburst of frustration are at the illness it taken her away and its like shes been brain washed and everyone else is listening to what she says but not being logical.

Now my friends moan at me about how shes treated me why do you care, my family the same they say she knows what shes doing dont blame her illness…but these people didnt go through this journey theses people haven’t read about annie…like i said, how many people have said or done something when angry or fed up then regretted it or gone to buy something silly to feel better…it shows that when our head not straight we do silly things. I for one understand Aimee and know its her illness that is making her make these decisions. What i think is if i was ill, i would give my right arm for her to have stayed in my corner all the way. I cant give up on her even if now i may never hear from her again.

I had been feeling suicidal but this is purely because im alone, no one understands was im witnessing no one understand why i bother, im like a witness to a mistake behind a glass wall… and iv lost everything due to Anorexia.

But i am no part of this girls life and she says we cant be together because we argued to much…if only she could step out of Annie and see what i seen.

Today i have zero sleep before this night shift as i know she was having treat meant and i haven’t stopped worrying…what i wounder is how many of these amazing new people in her life care as much.

My dream is not to get her back, but her to acknowledge me be civil polite with me im not here to argue…I Just love a girl show been taken over and i may never see again, she may have died.

This doesn’t hurt its soul destroying, i waited all my life for her she was the girl of my dreams, i wanted to settle down and spend the rest of my life with her…but shes vanished, the only memory i have is the one standing in church holding my hand and whispering…can this be us, yes my little princess this will be us and her dad wanting to see her get married too…why Aimee anorexia why the one girl for me…. this is why to everyone of them questions.

missing the same….

So im not allowed to bite at blogs, i am letting myself down by writing this too.

However…

Today i have slept all the way through till tea time which is great makes me feel awake ready for tonight, even made my Christmas roster look okay when its pretty terrible.

I read her blogs and there are parts about her wanting to talk to someone and i kid myself wishing it was me, then when i think about it i realise its not me she means.

Last night i described the feeling of being lonely, today she wrote a very similar one and the were both describing loneliness in such a way that unless your in the situation you would not understand. You can be surrounded by millions of people and interact with different people, but we all long for someone to say hi too someone to ask how we are someone to share your funny moments with or someone to seek advice.

But sometimes its who that someone is that is important, my mum cares about me but i wouldn’t call her up to sing to her when i was bored, or my brother i can talk to but not about my day or how i feel, i have lisa who is great but is not someone who makes me smile by talking rubbish, but there is one person who did this… and shes feeling similar to me yet wont talk, to know she is crying and lonely and actually wants to talk to me is really sad.

For once im pretty positive this is me she describes, an its is nice to know that she believes i would be there for her when in fact i would, i would never let her down and i have always said that her illness is the reason for all of this not her.

 

I just wish she would follow her instincts and say hello, just wish i could tell her i want my friend back!

 

 

This is why, the true picture

Had to delete my last blog as…I was writing it, I got a text from a lass.
She brought me a bday present and a card, Iv known about this all week but I keep avoiding being able to see her. She says some amazing things about what she thinks of me and how I’m special, she try’s call me couple times a day…blah blah but I don’t show an interest, I’m not sure why.

Tonight she said I can’t get your attention yet a blog from Aimee does a blog that hurts you and begins you self harming yet that gets my attention more then a girl who wants to be with me…
I said she’s right, ya know what at times I hate Aimee, I think she writes stuff knowing she’s gonna upset me, she ignores me as she wants a new boyfriend that’s all….all these comments Iv heard and thought, ya know what the whole lot could be true for all I care.
But Aimee changed my life, she has a heart the size of a jumbo jet 🙈 she helped me deal with my childhood Iv never felt happy talking about it, I felt so happy confident and safe around her. She wanted to be part of my family she embraced it my family adore her even now I still get asked about her my friends too the ones o value always ask and my colleges as they knew what she did for me.

Iv painted pictures of a mean person at times, maybe she hasn’t reacted the right way maybe her family didn’t either but then I didn’t either, but none of any of that matters, I witnessed for months every single part of anorexia, I seen what affect it has on the brain, on the body, on loved ones it affected us all, but it affected this beautiful girl, it stole her identity it stole her body it stole her mind and it stole her life. No body in the world done anything wrong everybody did there best herself, my self her brother her parents everyone. But it’s not an illness you can take pills for it’s and illness that the more you fight it the harder it is but no fight and you get no results it will be a part of her life for ever…but it’s just a tiny peace of a girl who has so much to give.

I have cried, I done stupid things to kill myself hurt myself. I do feel responsible but that’s my mentality.
But a picture needs to be painted of a true angel, I will never ever forget her… I had the experience of my life with this girl. I would literally have taken the illness off of her if I could and still would.
I’d love to buy her a coffee now tell her I’m sorry. I wanna shake her brothers hand and apologise for being a tool I wanna shake her dads hand and thank him for raising someone who will be the best memory of my life.
For all the crazy people on her dating site they are all missing a true gem!!! Perfection one guy will marry her one day and he will live my dream. But I had my chance and anorexia won.
I made so many mistakes on this journey but they are remembered none of the good things I did.
But I mean no harm, I miss her everyday no one will ever compare to her, but she hates me because I didn’t just walk away…but you don’t when you love someone. Never tell anyone you wanna spend rest your life with them if you literally wouldn’t do everything in your body to try not to lose them when you lose everything around you and your dignity.

It’s a once in a life time feeling…I was always gonna fight.
Anyway bday over now… feels better. Even tho we went away a year ago today lol 
Keep battling your own battle, it’s doesn’t need to be a disease or a visual illness everyone has a battle never judge anyone else’s.
#mybattle #missmylife #cantwallow y

30 day challenge…again 

So I have blogged lots, mainly about my ex partner. I find blogging away of getting my frustration out with out going crazy lol but my blogs don’t always have any direction there just random crap.

They do get taken way out of contents too, so I began a 30 day blog challenge a long time ago and failed lol so decided I would do it again and succeed this time.

Maybe tell the world and nosey people a little more about me my world and my time on this planet.

Below is my daily questions I will try hard to juggle everything to fit in a little blog every day:) 

Thanks for reading 🙂 
1. What, why and where you write.
 2. Describe the good, the bad and the ugly about yourself.
 3. Where would you like to be in ten years?
 4. A happy memory.
 5. Dream travel destination, and why?
 6. Write about someone you really care about.
 7. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be and why?
 8. Your fears.
 9. Things that make you happy.
 10. Somewhere you would like to live, describe your dream home.
 11. Talk about your siblings/family.
 12. Recurring or memorable dreams you’ve had.
 13. Your biggest regret.
 14. Your fondest childhood memories.
 15. Something you miss.
 16. You win a significant amount of money, what do you spend it on?
 17. The highs and lows of the past year of your life.
 18. A bullet list of your day.
 19. Five of your strengths and five weaknesses.
 20. What would your superpower be and why?
 21. Your greatest accomplishment.
 22. Who would you invite to your “last supper”?
 23. Talk about your hobbies and why you like them.
 24. A list of things in your bedroom.
 25. An in depth description of your body and what you like about it.
 26. Some quotes you like.
 27. Seven things you think about a lot.
 28. A letter to your future self.
 29. A letter to your younger self.
 30. Write about anything you feel like today.