I’m sorry

So time is a healer but I’m getting worse not better.
I haven’t been home since Tuesday, my family aren’t talking to me.
I’m about to buy a new car, literally just to cheer myself up…that is ridiculous I know but I’m so low. Work won’t let me go back to work and are arranging therapy for me, I am honestly fine.
But however I have lost a stone in weight, which to a guy who’s very slim is very bad. I am about to cancel my marathon too 😢 I trained so hard for ages but I just can’t get out of bed let alone run and my body’s so weak il never do it, so this is destroying my mood.
Then unfortunately, there’s a friend of my ex’s who is trying to make sure I’m okay. But unfortunately his making me worse, his telling me about how angry she is at me, how much she hates me, how she never wants to see or hear from me again how she wasn’t bothered about what had happened…now I’m hoping his purpose for this was to explain she’s not being herself but it’s more like his rubbing it in my face.
My heart is completely shattered I didn’t think it could break anymore after the first time, but it has again I feel like his trying to hurt me now, he said the worst statement too…that aimee says I hurt her, this is the worst I feel guilty enough, Iv been racking my brain for the last 24hours as to how I did this, but I can’t work out why. I’m really sorry if you read this I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really didn’t. I just love you.

The pain in which I feel is unbearable, life is a blur, I do literally nothing anymore, I can’t go to work I have no where to live and I don’t get out of bed anymore, this isn’t a life, my brains so numb from aimee that it feels like it’s stopped completely.

I can’t cope with this much longer

What am I doing lol

What am I doing.

So tonight as per every night I’m wide awake. My minds wandering, Iv Googled everything from new jobs, to a job for my ex girlfriend in Newcastle lol to houses, to me wanting by a new car to me booking a holiday for myself for tomorrow…I’m on the verge of doing somit kinda crazy, but I’m sure afterwards I would regret wasting my money Iv worked so hard to save.

I really really miss aimee, would actually offer my right leg to be able to be able to have her back in my world, but people’s advice is driving me nuts, Iv been told everything…people think it’s a fairytale I’m sure it’s not it’s just the Jamie adventures there bloody mental.

So last night, I took my top off walked past the mirror and had to double back…I looked ill I’m so skinny, I hate being slim but I looked awful I can’t share anymore information then that but unlike aimee it makes me sick to look this way, it’s only been a week with no food. But my god I can feel the affects I’m beginning to live something that I can’t believe so today Iv ate everything in sight drunk everything been to the shops to buy more too I can not let myself get into this state.

So I took a picture before I shaved off the mess on my face (trimmed) as it was so long and I thought I would look better…how ever the picture has made me realise the mess I look. A weeks worth of neglect and I look the worst Iv ever looked I was abso shocked it was not what I expected to see, the beard hid the state of me.

 

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Even looking now I’m a total mess. It’s crazy how easily you can destroy yourself, I’m trying to sort everything out now. I’m not talking to my family, I’m feeling so lonely and I feel physically ill all the time but I will eat my way back to health.

But people thanks for the advice but I love her so much I don’t wanna push her even further away. I just have to dream and prey she will one day say hello again. To everyone I will try fix this and to my brain stop thinking crazy thoughts.

Aimee

What do you do, how do you look at things? How do we know that black is black and white is white? Because people tell us, but what is it really?

Me and Aimee had to breakup as her family don’t like me. This has been caused by multiple errors from us both but family love each other and some can forgive and some just can’t.

 

I have had a whole mixture of feelings towards aimee these last few days, anger, love, sadness, annoyance, jealousy and more. I take people’s opinion of me very personally and hate being described as a bad person when I try so hard maybe to hard at times. She has lashed out an called me controlling and manipulate and it hurt me as I just adore her so i decided I didn’t no what to do, I tried my hardest to put it right to talk to her everything humanly possible but she blocked me on everything in space of hours, I had decided I couldn’t do the 8 months again and thought what do I do, people say about ending it it’s a difficult situation maybe it’s an option, people buy the drink or find the pills or drive to the bridge but I wanted to do it, so I do. Did I want to die? No of course not dying scares me but I wanted out of misery, it could of and should of killed me I shouldn’t be allowed to type this message.

But I didn’t try to kill my self because me an aimee finished, I didn’t want to be painted as a bad person again and really didn’t wanna go through months on heart ache. But it’s not aimee’s fault, she has no responsibility she’s not to blame, she was just apart of the situation.

Right now, I’m making silly choices but I’m not falling apart. I’m missing aimee like crazy but I’m calm. I don’t want to talk with anyone but I don’t want to argue or complain. I don’t want to eat or drink but I know why. I don’t want to put on the tv or PlayStation I don’t wanna hide away from stuff. I don’t want to read a self help book because I don’t need too. I don’t wanna get a quick date to feel better. I don’t wanna cry but I do but I am allowed to cry.
Aimee doesn’t get emotional on line, aimee likes to date to help move on, she doesn’t mention me, maybe blames me a little, she like to paint a smile and not shout about the tears…but it doesn’t mean her heart doesn’t hurt as much as mine it doesn’t mean she doesn’t cry with me and it doesn’t mean she loves me any less, the ability to understand that comes from the connection we share.

But I got to put things right with my girl, I also got to realise that my aimee was infact the one my soulmate it wasn’t fake. I get to realise that we love each other to bits even now I know she loves me, my one is aimee J and I’m lucky that she has that title. But I’m not angry at Aimee, I may cry an even now I’m holding them but I will get to go to my grave very confident that she will love me always like I will her. Some people never get that bond, I will think of her every single day, an il always wish she was my girlfriend, my wife and my baby momma but I will never forget her ever. An I would do the whole 8 months again to be able to be feel so loved, to be able to laugh uncontrollably to be able to smile it hurts to have so much love for someone you go mental with out them. It’s a connection I can’t describe or ever repeat. Meeting someone who makes you wanna be an adult, makes you wanna push your limits and experience every single thing the world has to offer…it’s a good feeling 🙂

I’m not sure what I wanted to happen Friday night, but I still think I would have been happier if it had worked, the pain would have gone and I would have felt free.its very hard to explain.

I’m so sorry to everyone Iv ever hurt for being clumsy, I’m sorry to people I put through my crazy moments and I’m sorry to peoples opinions but I don’t care I will always love Aimee.

But overdosing is dangerous and stupid my body hates me right now I’m
Struggling, it’s not an answer to anything trust me. But I want everyone to know no matter what I do or how I act, I am in fact fine.

But to my friends to my family and to my aimee, if you look in the sky and see an aeroplane, no matter what happens or where I am, I will probably be looking at it then too.

 

Don’t paint me again

I’m feeling really ill and it’s self inflicted. My body really hurts. I’m so lonely too.

I need to say my blogs aren’t to make any feel guilty at all, I’m the guilty one not anyone else.

I’m not controlling or manipulative though at all, I accepted something that should never have been the outcome anyway. But I’m a human being I wanted to try anything to not lose my soulmate I was gonna marry her 12 hours before….again. Surely that’s understandable I waited 8months to tell her I love her.
Now I know everyone is saying I’m x y and z but I’m really not I’m just a guy who’s totally in love with this lass.

We can’t be together but we could been mates, I could have helped her smile and left her spare time busy.

But all a sudden she hates me again, this is her BPD and others telling her how awful I am isn’t fair, no one seen aimee happy like I did Sunday Monday and Tuesday! I just want forgiveness we shouldn’t be like this at all.

I love her that’s my only crime I love her to peace’s

Mental health

So this blog has two purposes.
So the main being for me learning about people’s lack of understanding of mental health. It’s something that comes in all forms shapes and sizes and affects people in different ways.
Why do we understand a broken leg, loss of limb or other serious illness’s but we don’t respect mental health which is also deadly.
People act of character, thoughts and feelings take over people’s minds,brain and actions but it doesn’t mean it’s what they want or what they mean and this is without adding the challenges life brings ontop. Not everything is black and white it’s not simple.
Everything thinks they understand mental health but until you witness is and even experience it people are not open minded.

My second, is really kinda of…odd. I owe a hugh thank you to someone I don’t know lol Believe It or not someone has taken time out of there life to read all about me and has done somthing kinda out of this world. I have zero idea as to why but I can’t explain my gratitude. Thanks to them I kinda have a feeling within me…I’m not sure I’d ever experience!!!

So to this true ledgend…thank you so much!

Sorry

It’s nearly 1am and I’m in a bit of state, todays been awful.
It’s got me thinking as normal, being spat at like your scum and being told your a peace of s*** from your own Dad his words have hurt because I hate him, but his supposed to be my Dad his supposed to be proud of me not treating like dirt.
Then my true love comes to my mind, I can’t stop thinking about her at the moment. But if we’re as incredible as I describe which isn’t a lie, why does she hate me so much?
It’s me, I have caused all of this. I have been racking my brains for what seems forever and all I can think of is the mistakes I made originally, I messed up I did something I hate myself for, I scared her I got obsessed and I did try to grab it, it’s doesn’t matter what my reasoning was I did…my split moment stupidity I did, it the biggest regret of my life, then when we broke up I messed it up, I tried to hard to fix my mess. But when she got ill my way of apology was to give up my life to help her, it pained me literally pained me to see her basically dying. But everyday I felt the guilt of scaring her, being a total a*****e.
But I had changed, an I thought I had done some good.
We had fallen in love for real this time and I thought she has forgiven me and this was fresh beginnings, I loved her so much I wanted to marry her everyday I was so proud that Was my girlfriend I’d tell all of social media everything I didn’t care what she weighed or any of her problems I adored her but I treat like my bride to be and messed up when others had taken over I thought it meant I had failed her, I felt I needed to be the one that made it better I had to because I needed to make a Mende.
This has been the most traumatic experience of my life, this should be the greatest and it’s all my fault, I made the biggest mistake of my life the first time round and I thought I’d made it right but now it’s all I can think of that I did wrong.

I feel like I deserve this feeling. I’m not crying as I’m a mess or feeling suicidal.
I just feel like it’s all my fault I deserved to lose my dad as I’m an awful son and I deserved to lose my beautiful girlfriend as I was a terrible boyfriend.

Everyday I dream of things getting better not with him just her but they never will because this is all my fault.

She doesn’t read any of this….but to god I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart 😢 I didn’t mean any of it and I thought I had put it right 😢 but please please please stop punishing me, I beg for forgiveness I just want to be loved by my mum, Dad and most of all Aimee 😢😢😢

angry at others

This is again one of them blogs, I want to blog to get it out of my head but yet I don’t want it to be read and taken incorrectly…its a catch 24, how ever my feelings are true if nothing else.

I am struggling a little at the minute, I keep reading how difficult of a time she is having. I get angry at the dates she has the way people cast her aside, I get angry at the lack of support she is receiving etc.

I long to have an opportunity to talk to her or be able to support her, but I am not in a position to she still has so much hatred towards me that she has zero to do with me regardless of how lonely she maybe. Yet people want to show how great they are and can offer a little here and their which look fantastic truly is great, but what about when she really needs it? I get people can offer advice to keep away from me, or people can offer to go for drinks or coffee or dates are after one thing with her…yet why do people not offer true support, you don’t need to remind her to eat you don’t need to wrap her up in cotton wall and as I learnt you certainly don’t need to try to hard, but seriously why is no one doing the basics?

This poor girl has just come home from 7/8 months in hospital then tried to instantly continue life but that was always going to be extremely difficult, but why has no one been there for her when she needed them or offer the simple stuff.

I am rambling but it drives me nuts. I am on nights tonight and have been awake today at home I went for a run yet other then not a lot, how I would have loved to been able to spend some time with her, how much I thought I wanted to drive to see her.

I recently got asked by a lass at work about her, apparently im so enthusiastic about describing how amazing she has done etc, to the point she thought she had began talking to me again and said iv done amazing to stick it out for her…. yet she hadn’t a clue. I have not stuck it out for her I still love her to bits but that’s just me it means nothing as she still can bare me but it doesn’t stop me being proud of her.

 

I just wish all the people who are not in my shoes, who she cares about who have the opportunity with her, realise how special she is support her and for god sake stop taking her for granted.